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Original poster

My father who supports my rapists wants to see my baby

168 replies

thefutureisfemale · 30/07/2017 07:22

Hi. I'm sorry for the distressing topic but I really need some help and advice.

I grew up as the middle child of three in an abusive household with a drug addicted father and an undiagnosed mentally ill mother.
When times were good they were great, when they were bad they were awful.
My father was physically abusive to an extreme extent and my mother 'disciplined' us physically also, but it was the mental and emotional abuse that really messed me up.

Every summer I spent with my fathers brothers family whom were wealthy, kind and what I thought 'good people.' I had an older male cousin by 9 years that I adored. He was funny, charming and made me feel special.

What I realise now is that I was groomed over the course of several years to trust this man entirely and not to doubt for a second that he had my best intentions at heart. It was an open secret that he was a sexual deviant and had had 'relationships' with young girls before but his family acted like it never happened.

At 16 I went to live permanently with his family and himself and a secret sexual relationship began. I was pushed into it through guilt, fear and obligation. I never told anyone till years later.
I became a heavy drinker, self harmed and tried to take my life almost a dozen times.

My father knows (as does everyone else now) and denies my cousin every coherced me into doing things and calls me a liar. He moved my 14 year old brother to live my rapist. Everyone knows what's happened and that my cousin is a predator, even his parents and other girls he abused but it's all hidden under the rug.

I got my life together, stopped drinking and got married and I am 31 weeks pregnant.
I have no contact with my rapist or his family and I never will again. I rarely speak with my father and feel like I will never forgive him for the abuse we suffered from him as kids and adults and how he supported my rapist and still does. I don't want him near me or my baby ever.

However, he has custody of my brother and won't allow him to meet the baby until he does himself. It's another one of his control tactics. Why do I feel guilty for this? Why do I feel bad that I don't want my father to see his grandchild because he is an abuser and supports the man who raped and groomed me?

The rare contact I have had with my father he has been very forceful with ne saying "I WILL see my grandchild. You WONT stop me."

PLEASE help me understand what I should do.

OP posts:
IHateUncleJamie · 30/07/2017 22:17

It's not your job to tell your father, OP, that's your Mum's job. Always remember that your parents are supposed to parent you, not the other way round. You're not responsible for your parents' actions, choices or feelings. 💐

Original poster
thefutureisfemale · 30/07/2017 22:25

You are all right.

Thank you all so much.

Does anyone what @user said that was so awful it's been deleted my MNHQ?

OP posts:
TheweewitchRoz · 30/07/2017 22:28

They were just being a dick - don't think they'd read the thread.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/07/2017 22:28

If it helps, write down what you want to say to yiur father, and read from it. Stay strong.

GruffaloPants · 30/07/2017 22:30

He or she was questioning if you'd been raped. Seems like they gave your op a quick skim and weighed in with some ill judged comments. Please try not to let it get to you.

Original poster
thefutureisfemale · 30/07/2017 22:32

DM wasn't pleased at all about my text message, didn't respond for ages and when she did it was very dry and short.

My father who supports my rapists wants to see my baby
OP posts:
Anxietyreallyblows · 30/07/2017 22:34

Just text back 'I've blocked him, want nothing more to do with him"

Original poster
thefutureisfemale · 30/07/2017 22:34

.

My father who supports my rapists wants to see my baby
OP posts:
Original poster
thefutureisfemale · 30/07/2017 22:34

I'm sorry I didn't mean to attach it twice.

OP posts:
Anxietyreallyblows · 30/07/2017 22:35

What does she mean 'fine you for'.

Anxietyreallyblows · 30/07/2017 22:36

I don't think she will help you much op, she's trying to push contact even if it's for you to say no to him.

Original poster
thefutureisfemale · 30/07/2017 22:36

I think it's quite obvious all she cares about is easy access to DB without the small problem of (continuing) to allow my father to intimidate and abuse his other children. My DM certainly wouldn't expect this of my DSIS, I can tell you for sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
thefutureisfemale · 30/07/2017 22:37

When she did 'fine you for' it was a typo she meant 'what did he phone you for?'

OP posts:
Anxietyreallyblows · 30/07/2017 22:39

Ah that makes sense.

She's throwing you and your baby under the bus for her own selfishness. She's not changed much has she? Still abusive in a passive yet enabling way. I'm sorry op

Original poster
thefutureisfemale · 30/07/2017 22:48

Difficult with DM because she never leaves the house, struggles sorting bills and never sees anyone so I feel obligated to do the 1.5-2 hour each way drive once a week or so because she's so lonely.

She blames her lack of confidence to do things on a breakdown. But yes, it's FOG again.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 30/07/2017 22:51

She does not expect this of your sister ass your sister would probably not put up with tgat crap. Yiur mum is very selfish and self centred, putting herself first. Look after number one now and your baby.

IHateUncleJamie · 30/07/2017 22:55

What would she do about the bills/loneliness etc if you were unavailable? I'm just wondering if you could withdraw slightly, for both your sakes - when baby arrives you probably aren't going to have the time or the energy to be driving all that way once a week. Perhaps it's a good time to wean her off you and remind her that she's your parent, not the other way round? 💐

Anxietyreallyblows · 30/07/2017 22:56

Difficult but doable. Perhaps she rarely sees anyone because they see the person she really is? The one who manipulates and enables?

Her problems are not your problems. She needs to sort herself out and then apologise to you.

Original poster
thefutureisfemale · 30/07/2017 22:56

We've only been back in contact since my pregnancy- she abandoned me all those years to my father and my fathers family.

The more I type it, the more clear it becomes. She is just as bad as my father.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/07/2017 23:05

Yes Flowers

They came back and they can all fade away again OP

Flowers
IHateUncleJamie · 30/07/2017 23:07

Yes, she is. Both abusive, just in slightly different ways. It's a horrible realisation, but a big step in your healing. xx

Aeroflotgirl · 30/07/2017 23:08

Yes she is, she is just as manipulative and abusive. She's just got back in contact with you, I wonder if she is doing this in support of your father. You don't have to say anything to them, delete and block their number, they and your brother are not yiur responsibility. Time to harden yourself.

winglesspegasus · 30/07/2017 23:15

your brother will be 18 in3 years just the right age to be an uncle
get the fuck away from those people
it is not your job to be their punching bag.
find a way to let your brother know you are "here for him".
if he is being abused he needs to tell an authority figure.
can your sister help you cope?

Starlight2345 · 30/07/2017 23:19

I think you are hoping for the big fix..Everyone realises there mistakes and appologise and give you the support you deserve...

Sadly it is highly unlikely to happen by either parent...

You are the black sheep...Responsibly for everything..I was in the same position, responsible for my dad's bulimia , sister failing exams...It was great for everyone else..No one had to take responsibility for their behaviour, for there actions or failings..It was all my fault...I read your story and see exactly the same ..

You have done amazingly well..Built yourself a fantastic life and took responsibility for yourself. You are responsible for no one else except that little baby growing inside of you.

Applebloom · 30/07/2017 23:58

Your mother managed all those bills/loneliness all those years without you did she not?
She needs to stop expecting you to be the grown up
Seems like both your parents are trying to control your actions using different tactics

Time to withdraw from your DM and start practicing 'no that doesn't work for me'
Her access with DB is hers to sort from now on.
Don't engage in any further facilitating access no more discussions

She doesn't deserve the daughter she abandoned