My father who supports my rapists wants to see my baby

[thefutureisfemale]

Hi. I'm sorry for the distressing topic but I really need some help and advice.

I grew up as the middle child of three in an abusive household with a drug addicted father and an undiagnosed mentally ill mother.
When times were good they were great, when they were bad they were awful.
My father was physically abusive to an extreme extent and my mother 'disciplined' us physically also, but it was the mental and emotional abuse that really messed me up.

Every summer I spent with my fathers brothers family whom were wealthy, kind and what I thought 'good people.' I had an older male cousin by 9 years that I adored. He was funny, charming and made me feel special.

What I realise now is that I was groomed over the course of several years to trust this man entirely and not to doubt for a second that he had my best intentions at heart. It was an open secret that he was a sexual deviant and had had 'relationships' with young girls before but his family acted like it never happened.

At 16 I went to live permanently with his family and himself and a secret sexual relationship began. I was pushed into it through guilt, fear and obligation. I never told anyone till years later.
I became a heavy drinker, self harmed and tried to take my life almost a dozen times.

My father knows (as does everyone else now) and denies my cousin every coherced me into doing things and calls me a liar. He moved my 14 year old brother to live my rapist. Everyone knows what's happened and that my cousin is a predator, even his parents and other girls he abused but it's all hidden under the rug.

I got my life together, stopped drinking and got married and I am 31 weeks pregnant.
I have no contact with my rapist or his family and I never will again. I rarely speak with my father and feel like I will never forgive him for the abuse we suffered from him as kids and adults and how he supported my rapist and still does. I don't want him near me or my baby ever.

However, he has custody of my brother and won't allow him to meet the baby until he does himself. It's another one of his control tactics. Why do I feel guilty for this? Why do I feel bad that I don't want my father to see his grandchild because he is an abuser and supports the man who raped and groomed me?

The rare contact I have had with my father he has been very forceful with ne saying "I WILL see my grandchild. You WONT stop me."

PLEASE help me understand what I should do.

So if your husband & mum turn up for example, your dad would just drive off again?

If your mum still has custody there must be some way of preventing this?

Can you get some therapy? You need some real help here. Your parents are still controlling you. They have groomed you too, in their own way. Honestly thats nothing to be ashamed of, grooming is very difficult to get out of, I say this from experience.

Can you let your dh make the decision until you are strong enough to? That's assuming you fully trust him and it sounds like you do.
When I couldn't trust myself, my dh took charge and decided when and if my dc could see my family (slightly different situation as my abuser isn't know to my family).

my mother said it's my fault my brother is autistic because I traumatised him when I removed him from her care when she had a breakdown and took him to my rapists parents house

What absolute rubbish. You owe her precisely nothing. Leave her to sort this out. I think in the short term you can only get over your feeling of being responsible by telling yourself that the greater responsibility is your baby. In the longer term, you need to go completely NC - ideally moving well away - and get counselling.

Okay, I am going to text my DM and say that I cannot facilitate this visit as it's against my wishes to keep my father out of my life and my baby's and as I am now, I am not mentally strong enough to resist the abuse techniques he with ladle onto me.

If my father refuses to drive my DB down to my DM's that isn't my responsibility and if she really wants to see him she can meet him half way on the train. But the travel arrangements are NOT my responsibility. I am not DB's parent, they are and they must sort it between themselves.

I am asking advice on how to deal with the situation. As an abuse victim it's very hard to 'just say no' to my father seeing DC (even though that's what I will ultimately do) because the abuse has ruined my brain and I FEEL RESPONSIBLE!

That's a very clear request, and it has a very easy answer.

First, your parents. They have both been abusive to you. They are never going to change. Cut them both out. Tell them you have tried to resolve problems but they respond by trying to control and abuse you further, so you are going to not have any future contact with them. And then, no matter what they say or do, do not respond. Block their phone number and email. If they get a message to you, ignore it. Do not try to explain or justify yourself. Every response you give them will make them feel rewarded, and make them renew their efforts to drag you in. So the only way you can reasonably deal with this is to ignore, ignore, ignore. They are gone, out of your life. DONE.

Second, your cousin. Your cousin groomed and abused you and has so far got away with it. Not only that, he's been rewarded by being given your brother. Tell the police what he did to you. Tell the police you are worried for your brother's safety, because he is a vulnerable child with special needs. Give the police all the information you can give them. Hold nothing back. Tell them your parents knew what was happening to you and still left you there.

Third, your brother. Reporting your cousin to the police will help your brother because it might well make social services remove him from your cousin's care. And if that happens he will be better off. Make it clear you'd love for him to come to you, so long as that can be done without your family being told your address, because they are abusive and threatening.

It's all big and scary. But to protect your baby and yourself you have to remove these toxic people from your lives, and that has to be your first priority. You can't protect everyone, so you might not get the outcome you want for your brother: but I really think this is the best way to go about helping him now. He would be far better off away from your cousin and your parents.

Fourth, get yourself some professional help. Counselling, therapy. Your GP can refer you if you can't afford it but you have to be persistent and clear when you ask for it or they might just try to give you anti depressants. Tell them you don't want pills, you want talking therapy. Stick to your guns.

You can do this. You are strong. Be brave.

I am so sorry for what you have suffered op none of it was your fault, please do not let this terrible man near you or your baby, he cannot force you to do anything. Well done on getting your life together and congratulations on your baby. You have done this op because you are a tough survivor.

You mother is choosing not to have your brother live with her. That is her choice. You do not have to do anything to facilitate this choice. This is the bottom line. If your father or she says otherwise, she is manipulating you. You cannot save everyone and it is sad that right now you cannot save your brother. It has been difficult enough to save yourself.

I'm sorry you had such a hard time. Do you think you have the strength to report this awful abuse of power and try to get your cousin and father prosecuted?

Is your dh a good guy? If so, get him to drive your mum and to tell your father that he is forbidding contact between him and you/the baby.

Obviously this is misogynistic nonsense but I suspect your father is a misogynist (most narcassistic men are) so he may well back down in front of your dh's "claim" on you/the baby.

For years i struggled to draw boundaries bw me and my narcissistic/ abusive brother. Telling him that he had to ask dh for permission to approach me/ask me for money worked straight away because he of course saw me as property.

I have just sent this to my DM

Good op that is great, and absolutely correct. YOu have to put your child and yourself first. If you are not strong enough to resist abuse tactics by your father, how are you going to protect your vulnerable child against him. Also there is still possibility he could do the same to your child.

Oh yes Barbarian, these abusers are totally misogynistic and these tactics do work on them. As according to him, your are your dh property now!

Your text is just right. You have worded it very well.

Well done Op!

Just if it helps: one trauma does not make someone autistic. It's the way their brain is, it's not caused like that. It's born.

I'm sorry, but your mum is still emotionally abusive. If she's getting help then hopefully that will get better, but she's prepared to throw her child and grandchild under the bus to save having to take up her own responsibilities. You know you would never do that yourself - it's just wrong.

Good luck Op. NC might be something to think about.

Great response to your DM. We are all here, behind you offering moral support.

@barbarian and @aeroflotgirl
My father would try to intimidate my DH too... he father thinks he can frighten people into submission..

Can I ask one more question? Do I tell my father I am refusing to take my DB to DM's and not to expect to see my dc?
He will grab the iPad Facetime from my brother on the seldom occasion (twice in 7 months) he's allowed me to speak with DB and tell me forcefully he WILL be seeing his DGC and he WILL book a hotel in my town to do so.

Should I tell him not to expect to see my DC?

I would, stay strong, remember you have a child to protect now, and you are responsible for keeping him/her safe. Have you also been to counselling to, I think you would benefit from that.

Well done OP. You seem to have a good handle on the dynamics of the abuse. You just need help to unlearn the jumping to attention when they whistle - it will come with practice & asserting yourself, as you have just done.

I would consider reporting & asking MN to remove your pasted text message. Even though you've 'blacked' some bits out, I can still make out your brother's name.

I think to move forward, you need to untangle yourself away from this mess, your mum and dad. Your brother is not your responsbility, he is their child. Your responsibility is towards your unborn child.

You could either tell your father that or just stall him, whatever is easiest for you. Or just say "ok, I'll try again when DB is available. Bye then" and ring off. You don't need to explain yourself in any way.

I've reported your post with the text in it as a name is readable, I think you wanted to obscure names.

Have you considered reporting your cousin to the police? Medical reports, friends' accounts etc would be potential corroboration, as would complaints from other victims. Not saying you should do this, but it might be healing and also supportive to your position with Social Work.

Your strength is amazing. Wishing you and your husband lots of happiness with your lovely new baby.

I also think you may need to step back to protect yourself & your baby. No facetiming DB & also, whilst it is a lovely idea, it is likely (being so enmeshed & vulnerable) your brother would give up your home address to your father & wider family if he came to live with you. You really need to prioritise your own and your baby's safety & mental well-being at this time.

I would tell your father very clearly that you are not going to see or talk to him again, and that he won't be seeing your husband or child either, and then refuse to engage.

If he then does come to your home town and tries to get to see you, he won't be able to reasonably claim that he didn't know what your wishes were.

The downside is that it is bound to make him kick off, but then anything can do this to him, and you will have blocked his phone and emails anyway so you won't have to be bothered by his nonsense anymore.

I would speak to your local police station, though, even if you can't bring yourself to report your cousin to them, and tell them that your abusive father has threatened to turn up and you know he'll cause trouble if he does, and ask for their advice on what to do in that situation. My advice is to lock your house up, tell him to leave and then ignore him and phone the police.

Do I tell my father I am refusing to take my DB to DM's and not to expect to see my dc?
No you dont need to do that. You dont have to inform him of anything about your life or any decisions you are making. I would not contact him at all.

Great message to your mum.

I would completely ignore your dad. Change your number FaceTime your brother from your mum's. Hang up any time he takes the phone.

You're being a brilliant mum to your baby already. Sorry for all you have been through x

Would your DH be willing to collect your brother & collect you afterwards? I appreciate with his autism this might be difficult, but if you were unwell you would struggle to travel anyway. Congratulations on your pregnancy! As pp hace already said, your father has no right to see your child & you have no obligation to facilitate it. I understand that you want your DM to see your DB but you might find that his dad demands to come along too. Your father sounds like my exh - nasty, nasty man. I wouldn't enter into any discussions with him at all. You need to concentrate on you and your LO. For you

I can't thank you all enough for your advice and support.
I've been beside myself all week since my father spoke to me about taking my DB to my DM.