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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My father who supports my rapists wants to see my baby

168 replies

thefutureisfemale · 30/07/2017 07:22

Hi. I'm sorry for the distressing topic but I really need some help and advice.

I grew up as the middle child of three in an abusive household with a drug addicted father and an undiagnosed mentally ill mother.
When times were good they were great, when they were bad they were awful.
My father was physically abusive to an extreme extent and my mother 'disciplined' us physically also, but it was the mental and emotional abuse that really messed me up.

Every summer I spent with my fathers brothers family whom were wealthy, kind and what I thought 'good people.' I had an older male cousin by 9 years that I adored. He was funny, charming and made me feel special.

What I realise now is that I was groomed over the course of several years to trust this man entirely and not to doubt for a second that he had my best intentions at heart. It was an open secret that he was a sexual deviant and had had 'relationships' with young girls before but his family acted like it never happened.

At 16 I went to live permanently with his family and himself and a secret sexual relationship began. I was pushed into it through guilt, fear and obligation. I never told anyone till years later.
I became a heavy drinker, self harmed and tried to take my life almost a dozen times.

My father knows (as does everyone else now) and denies my cousin every coherced me into doing things and calls me a liar. He moved my 14 year old brother to live my rapist. Everyone knows what's happened and that my cousin is a predator, even his parents and other girls he abused but it's all hidden under the rug.

I got my life together, stopped drinking and got married and I am 31 weeks pregnant.
I have no contact with my rapist or his family and I never will again. I rarely speak with my father and feel like I will never forgive him for the abuse we suffered from him as kids and adults and how he supported my rapist and still does. I don't want him near me or my baby ever.

However, he has custody of my brother and won't allow him to meet the baby until he does himself. It's another one of his control tactics. Why do I feel guilty for this? Why do I feel bad that I don't want my father to see his grandchild because he is an abuser and supports the man who raped and groomed me?

The rare contact I have had with my father he has been very forceful with ne saying "I WILL see my grandchild. You WONT stop me."

PLEASE help me understand what I should do.

OP posts:

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/07/2017 10:38

While I agree 100% that you should go properly non-contact and distance yourself to protect you and your baby, there's this. Emotional abuse is now a crime in Scotland. I'm fairly confident your father will be emotionally abusing your brother (not allowing phone contact is definitely in there). I feel it could be worth a call to social services in the local area to discuss your concerns about your brother's wellbeing.

I don't think you should do anything directly wrt to physically being in contact, but I think maybe another go at going through the official channels may be worthwhile?

weatherbomb · 30/07/2017 10:39

Apologies, x-posted with others. Got side tracked whilst typing!!

LittleOwl153 · 30/07/2017 10:39

Does your DM have your address? It sounds likely that she will pass on if pushed. I too would cut contact with all if you can - hard as this will be. Also contact police / abuse charities for advise to keep your little family safe. Good Luck OP. Stay strong!

IHateUncleJamie · 30/07/2017 10:47

Very good text, OP and congratulations on your pregnancy. 💐💐💐

When you're in the grip of Fear, Obligation and Guilt, it's very difficult to step outside that and see things logically from an adult's point of view. I completely understand that at the moment you still feel like a powerless child at times. This won't last if you can get some counselling, which you should be eligible for via your GP. Reading books like "Toxic Parents" might also help you.

What you must always remember is that the belief your family instilled into you - that you were in any way responsible for being abused - is a cruel lie. Write it down, if it helps. Your family has hard-wired your brain to believe that you were responsible. NONE of this is your fault.

Does it help to imagine that a friend of yours, or your DH, is telling YOU the story of the abuse, and asking you for advice? What would you advise them to do? My bet would be "run a mile, you're not responsible for your Mum, protect yourself and your baby and go no contact with your father". Because that's the logical thing to do.

You should find reporting historical abuse to the Police much easier and a much kinder process now than it was. But I think that can possibly wait until you have decided how and when to go no contact with your Dad. One thing at a time, my dear. 💐

kittybiscuits · 30/07/2017 10:48

You have done exactly the right thing OP. The only people who matter here are you and your little family. Sending you an unmumsnetty hug x

Applebloom · 30/07/2017 10:51

Time to go total nc radio silence, this stress cannot be good for you or baby.

You need to protect your child and sorry to say it your DM has to fight for her own child and stop making it your problem too.

Your new family unit is all that's important now protect them.

No replies or reaction to your toxic father. It is upsetting of course, the control he has over your sibling but it isn't yours to fix or solve. Time to detach
be assertive
get some counseling for you
build new boundaries
Let DM sort man she married this is her fight to battle
Save your sanity

Cut the ties to the FOG

Bunnyfuller · 30/07/2017 10:53

Your mum is either trying to guilt trip you or is very poorly educated around autism. No one can 'cause' autism, it is a developmental condition a person is born with. Scientists don't yet know what 'causes' it but genetics is one path of research. So, if she wants to talk 'causes'. Poor mental health is no excuse for your mother enabling all this stuff, or remaining ignorant of your DBs vulnerabilities and I'm afraid I find her jut as culpable as your dad. Police and ss and get your bro out and go NC with the whole mess of them.

NotMyPenguin · 30/07/2017 10:56

Don't feel you have to engage with your father at all. He has no right to make you talk to him or communicate with him. You have every right to just be silent and walk away completely.

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 30/07/2017 11:25

Another one saying don't reply.You said he is only doing this now as a way in to get control of his grandchild.Dont let him in.Keep that door firmly closed,block him off your phone if you need to because he will ramp this up and you need to be calm for yourself and your baby.Keep strong.
.

Anxietyreallyblows · 30/07/2017 17:34

That's a really good message op. Stay strong with your dh.

he's allowed me to speak with DB and tell me forcefully he WILL be seeing his DGC and he WILL book a hotel in my town to do so.

I agree with alerting SS to your brother as a vulnerable child and pointing out how your dad has emotionally and mentally abused you in the past and is continuing to try. You can make it a part of a conversation where you tell them that for you and your child's sake you are nc with your father and he is trying to use your brother and your worry for your brother to control and abuse you again.

If worried your father would actually turn up in town and try to get into your baby's life (he can't actually be a part without your say so) then I would chat to 101 about what to do if he does turn up.

I wouldn't trust your mother not to give out your address and definitely not ever alone with your dc. She sounds like she's still willing to do what's best for her (like blaming you) so I wouldn't give her the chance to ever give your dad contact to get what she wants.

I do hope your mother understands and respects your decision but sadly she doesn't sound like she's been good to you. I would be prepared for her to start guilting and manipulating.

Whocansay · 30/07/2017 18:10

You don't need to tell your father a thing. Not ever. If you do tell him that, you are effectively laying down a challenge. It will come across as goading him.

And I would tell no-one but your DH when you go into labour.

I would switch our phone off for a while too. Your mother does not appear to have your best interests at heart.

user1495025590 · 30/07/2017 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 30/07/2017 18:43

OP, your mum enabled and condoned the abuse - which is why she never did anything to prevent it. MH issues are not an excuse.

You need to keep yourself and your family at arms length from her.
If she won't take legal steps to help her own son from abusers then she cannot be trusted around your dc.

As an abuse victim it's very hard to 'just say no' to my father seeing DC
You don't need to say anything to him - just ignore him. Or reply with 'whatever' if you are forced to engage on skype/facetime.

Here's something that will help strengthen your resolve to never let him into yours or dc life - if a grandparent can prove that they have established a connection/relationship with a grandchild, they can then apply to court for formalised contact

So don't give him any excuse - no talking about your dc/visits/photos etc.

Does he seriously think he can walk into your home and pick up your baby?
He's deluded, as all narcissists and child abusers are.

GruffaloPants · 30/07/2017 19:14

Yes user, you have missed something. Pull your head out of your arse.

user1495025590 · 30/07/2017 19:43

What? Nothing in op just that she felt obligated

mathanxiety · 30/07/2017 20:27

If I say no I truly believe he won't let the visit go ahead (its been over a year since DM saw DB) and my DM and DB will blame me.

It's a control and abuse tactic from my father I am sure- but the guilt I'd feel if my DM couldn't see DB because I said no would be awful.

You have to let go of the illusion that you can control the other people here in any way.

It's a dangerous illusion that ensnares victims of abuse because it offers a little sense of dignity and reduces the feeling of being utterly powerless.

Your power here lies in your ability to hand problems straight back to those who are causing them. Telling your mother to sort out her own issues with your father and travel truly empowers you. Telling your father that he himself has chosen to be kept from your child empowers you because it reminds you too that this is his choice. He knows what his options are. He is stubbornly refusing to choose the right one and seeking to get away with running roughshod over you instead. You have no guarantee that if you jump through the hoops he wants you to jump through that he will not place others in your path.

Claim your power. Don't play his game. Take your ball and go home.

You are going to have to sit with your guilt and work through it.

PicklingGherkins · 30/07/2017 20:29

Last post - perfect!!!

Imroglio · 30/07/2017 20:40