My father who supports my rapists wants to see my baby

[thefutureisfemale]

Hi. I'm sorry for the distressing topic but I really need some help and advice.

I grew up as the middle child of three in an abusive household with a drug addicted father and an undiagnosed mentally ill mother.
When times were good they were great, when they were bad they were awful.
My father was physically abusive to an extreme extent and my mother 'disciplined' us physically also, but it was the mental and emotional abuse that really messed me up.

Every summer I spent with my fathers brothers family whom were wealthy, kind and what I thought 'good people.' I had an older male cousin by 9 years that I adored. He was funny, charming and made me feel special.

What I realise now is that I was groomed over the course of several years to trust this man entirely and not to doubt for a second that he had my best intentions at heart. It was an open secret that he was a sexual deviant and had had 'relationships' with young girls before but his family acted like it never happened.

At 16 I went to live permanently with his family and himself and a secret sexual relationship began. I was pushed into it through guilt, fear and obligation. I never told anyone till years later.
I became a heavy drinker, self harmed and tried to take my life almost a dozen times.

My father knows (as does everyone else now) and denies my cousin every coherced me into doing things and calls me a liar. He moved my 14 year old brother to live my rapist. Everyone knows what's happened and that my cousin is a predator, even his parents and other girls he abused but it's all hidden under the rug.

I got my life together, stopped drinking and got married and I am 31 weeks pregnant.
I have no contact with my rapist or his family and I never will again. I rarely speak with my father and feel like I will never forgive him for the abuse we suffered from him as kids and adults and how he supported my rapist and still does. I don't want him near me or my baby ever.

However, he has custody of my brother and won't allow him to meet the baby until he does himself. It's another one of his control tactics. Why do I feel guilty for this? Why do I feel bad that I don't want my father to see his grandchild because he is an abuser and supports the man who raped and groomed me?

The rare contact I have had with my father he has been very forceful with ne saying "I WILL see my grandchild. You WONT stop me."

PLEASE help me understand what I should do.

Mega (((((((((((( Madd Hugs))))))))))) thefutureisfemale 😿😿😿

well done on your pregnancy.well done for fighting the demons.well done for aking a life and getting through this.wow.you stunner!
just let your head smile for a minute with pride will you hun :D amazing.
I would tell the police anyway.if they cant do anything don't take it as a rebuke but more as that shiftily how things are.but if your complaint is then with them they can keep it either monitored/they are aware of him/will be able to keep eye out/possibly see if its linked to any other case tey have got and u never no how this might save other in the future/and it might be a weight off your.to report the buggers.another string to your fighting bow so to speak.
I'm sorry to say I don't no id be able to let my dad see my baby even if it meant seeing my bro.i cant imagine not being able to see my borther but then my gut tells me if my dad was like yours, my gut tell me I couldn't let him within any distance of my precious child.hes hurt you so much.hes allowed people to hurt you.this shouldn't be within reach of your little one.and Id think fingers crossed once borther is old enough to make his own choice you can get back what you had with him.
with your brother having the condition u think would make him even more vunerable and less able to fight back and this makes me feel sick,wouldnt the ss help in some way.at least investigate!
your so brave hun.i haven't really said anything helpful have i.sorry.
all I can say is what you've gone through and I imagine still fight to get through each day is wonderfuly strong.brave and nothing short of fabulous.
keep yourself safe.no matter of other think or tell you to do.keep you soul you mind and baby safe.you have your family now.
would you feel brave and storng enough to simply text your dad and say. no dad.you have tried to manipulate me enough now.you don't make th rules of my life nor my childs.you wont hang brother over my head.you wont see my child.your punishing your own self and brother not me.you made this happen not mexx

There really is nothing wrong in putting yourself first, especially with a new baby in the mix.
In your situation, I would set up some major boundaries if you didn't want to go no contact (which is also a option). Tell them that they need to contact you through e-mail and create a new account. Then block their numbers. When you feel up to it, then you can check the emails (or ask someone you trust to do so). If they manage to call you, have a script ready, 'sorry, can't chat right now, but send me an email, and when I've got a chance I'll read it.'
You get to decide how much contact you want, they get to decide how they react. You don't control their actions, they can't control your actions. If you want to keep contact, then start a weekly phone call with clear rules.
If your mum tries to guilt trip, 'Mum, I'm doing this to keep my baby safe. I need to stay away from stress. If you keep on about this, then I'm going to hang up.'
If she brings it up anyway 'We're not talking about this. But I'll call you again this time next week. Bye.'
If they call, ' we can chat about it when I call on xday. Got to go, bye'

Bear in mind that anything that upsets and distresses you, upsets and distresses your baby, too - both now, while s/he is in your womb, and all of the adrenaline etc crosses into that tiny body, and later, after you have given birth, when the stress will make you fearful and anxious and even irritable with your little one.

Don't put yourself, your child or your husband through this - cut all contact with DM if you feel you need to, and definitely don't let your bullying, cruel, vindictib=ve manipulating father anywhere near your home or your child.

*vindictive

Sorry about tha

Can you contact your brother's school to raise safeguarding concerns? That way you will know somebody there is keeping an eye out for him too.

Hi everyone.
After some careful consideration/ I have spoke to the police and the social services again and have an appointment to give a full statement on Wednesday

Well done future you are doing the right thing. Take care of yourself and good luck with the baby.

Very well done, future. That's a huge step. I hope it goes well. We will all be here to support you.

Good on you thefuture, you have taken a big and brave step💐💐💗💗

Well done future amazing steps forward x

The only person you owe anything to is your unborn baby. So protect them like you weren't protected.

Well done. Have you a friend or your dh who could go with you? 💐

Well done - you've been doing really well through all of this, I hope you know that. You're very, very brave. Will you have support on Wednesday? Do the police know that you might need some support giving the statement?

I text my mum saying I am unhappy about being expected to facilitate the visit and that she wouldn't expect DSIS to see dad to take my DB

I feel very frightened and timid. I tried to tell my father yesterday on the phone but as soon as I heard his voice I panicked and couldn't talk.

Police are arranging for an appropriate adult to support me throughout the statement.

Feeling frightened and timid is a form of emotional flashback. 💐 When you have abusive parents while you're still developing, it's as if they stunt your emotional growth and you're not allowed to grow up and have your own opinions and feelings. This is where a good counsellor can help you. It's very normal for abuse victims to feel like children when dealing with their parents. It's not your fault. You must protect yourself though by not dealing with your father.

Just wanted to say good luck for Wednesday, I think you are amazing. Stay strong for your baba.

Very best wishes for Wed.

Abuse gets into your head and changes how you think. Those thought patterns stay even when you get out of the abusive situation. However, they can be changed you can recover your sense of self and how you have the right to determine what is right for you.
I am very proud of the steps you have taken so far. I know I am just a stranger on the internet but am really impressed by your strength.
You owe your parents nothing. They gave you a shitty childhood then tried to blame you for their abusive behaviour. They have forfeited any right to respect, loyalty or care.
You can't change them or make them see sense because they don't care. They will always put themselves first. Don't contact them again, it will just drag you back in.

I would go NC with all family