My father who supports my rapists wants to see my baby

[thefutureisfemale]

Hi. I'm sorry for the distressing topic but I really need some help and advice.

I grew up as the middle child of three in an abusive household with a drug addicted father and an undiagnosed mentally ill mother.
When times were good they were great, when they were bad they were awful.
My father was physically abusive to an extreme extent and my mother 'disciplined' us physically also, but it was the mental and emotional abuse that really messed me up.

Every summer I spent with my fathers brothers family whom were wealthy, kind and what I thought 'good people.' I had an older male cousin by 9 years that I adored. He was funny, charming and made me feel special.

What I realise now is that I was groomed over the course of several years to trust this man entirely and not to doubt for a second that he had my best intentions at heart. It was an open secret that he was a sexual deviant and had had 'relationships' with young girls before but his family acted like it never happened.

At 16 I went to live permanently with his family and himself and a secret sexual relationship began. I was pushed into it through guilt, fear and obligation. I never told anyone till years later.
I became a heavy drinker, self harmed and tried to take my life almost a dozen times.

My father knows (as does everyone else now) and denies my cousin every coherced me into doing things and calls me a liar. He moved my 14 year old brother to live my rapist. Everyone knows what's happened and that my cousin is a predator, even his parents and other girls he abused but it's all hidden under the rug.

I got my life together, stopped drinking and got married and I am 31 weeks pregnant.
I have no contact with my rapist or his family and I never will again. I rarely speak with my father and feel like I will never forgive him for the abuse we suffered from him as kids and adults and how he supported my rapist and still does. I don't want him near me or my baby ever.

However, he has custody of my brother and won't allow him to meet the baby until he does himself. It's another one of his control tactics. Why do I feel guilty for this? Why do I feel bad that I don't want my father to see his grandchild because he is an abuser and supports the man who raped and groomed me?

The rare contact I have had with my father he has been very forceful with ne saying "I WILL see my grandchild. You WONT stop me."

PLEASE help me understand what I should do.

You've had an extraordinarily distressing childhood - are you able to access any support or counselling?

You know that you have to put your baby first and have zero contact with your father, no matter how much he uses your mother as a blackmail tool. Without wishing to sound brutal, your mother needs to fight for your brother- your baby cannot be used as a pawn in this. That said, the most constructive way to try and change things for your brother would be to go to the police and social services and make a report about what happened to you.

Please stay strong, block your father as a contact.

OP, the 'evidence' you have is what you say. If you are in the UK, this is done by a police officer asking you questions in a specially-designed suite with sofas etc. Your account is recorded and the DVD played in court. There would also be cross-examination, assuming there was a trial. Most sexual allegations are one person's word against another. Can you thing of anyone you told nearer the time - a school friend for example - who might be prepared to give a statement? There is no guarantee of a conviction in such a case, but what possible reason would you have for making this up? You may be surprised that others come forward too. That sometimes happens.

I don't think you need to even bother texting him. And please don't give in to his attempting to make you feel responsible for his actions (regarding your brother's access). Block his number if you have to.
Keeping your child safe means keeping your mental health safe. He doesn't get a say.
Try reading 'why does he do that'.

I think this is a case you can't save the world...

Your first priority has to be to protect yourself and your baby.. Your mum has to sort out the contact with your brother.

I would do everything to avoid this man..I would block his number, he knows the phases to get you drawn back in..He already knows you hate him that is why he is using your brother , your mum to get at you.

Tell him you are very sorry he feels that way, and repeat that he will never have any contact with your baby. Tell him that he knows what his options are, and that therefore this is his own choice.

(It really is his choice).

Don't let this man back in your life, it's just going to restart this abusive relationship you have moved on from, he will always find a way to control you and belittle you.

Unfortunately I think your baby (congratulations) not having a relationship with your brother initially is a small price to pay. My hope would be that he would initiate contact when he was older. Do you think that's at all likely?

where I am In Scotland we have family health midwives and family nurse partnership, is there anything like that in your area?

May I ask one more question?

What should I say to my DM?

"I'm sorry mum. I know you are looking forward to seeing DB but I can't facilitate the travel arrangements as it will give off the impression to my father that I am still there to be used when he requires something. I hope you manage to see DB"

Why doesn't your mum have custody of your brother?

Tbh I think that you have to look after your own child & support your mum if you can-but not by being blackmailed by your father.

Hi @diddl

My DM had (another) breakdown and SS placed my DB with my father despite him not having contact for several years.
My mother still has every rights to DMs custody but doesn't want to move him again- which i don't agree with at all but I am powerless to change.

First off, I am SO sorry you've been so terribly abused: by your parents, your cousin, and now by your father again. You did nothing to deserve or cause this, and you do deserve so much better.

As others have said, your first priority is now to protect your child. Your father has no legal rights to see your child, and so his insistence that he WILL see him are bluster and threats, with no substance.

Your father's attempts to control you through falsely implying that you are responsible for your mother seeing your brother are cruel and obscene.

If I were you I would stop all contact with that father. There's nothing to be gained from seeing him. I haven't seen my parents for nearly four years and it was hard at first, but now it's so much better.

I would consider reporting your cousin to the police, and asking for their help with your brother, too. You don't need hard evidence: your testimony is evidence, and if you can remember enough details, that's a start. If you ever disclosed the abuse to anyone else, that's also evidence. Even if they tell the police you were lying. It all reveals a pattern. I reported being sexually abused as a child to the police a few years ago and they were hugely supportive, and determined to stop the abuser hurting anyone else. It was amazing how good they were.

It is not healthy for your brother to be living in such a toxic environment. I worry about him. Would you be prepared to have him live with you? It's something to think about.

You have so much to think about, and it's not easy. But you can do this, and your father can be removed from your life if you are careful and consistent and calm. Don't discount the value of counselling and therapy, and don't blame yourself for any of this. It's not your fault.

I hope you sort everything out, and wish you well.

You are a very brave young woman, and a good Mummy. You have come such a long way, happily married, and have managed to build a relationship, with your Mother, all well and good. I imagine, she suffered too, not that I am condoning her cruelty towards you. Here's the thing, it isn't up to you, to decide the future of your DB, your DM, needs to address this situation, it is her full responsibility, and she shouldn't be hiding behind you. You are under immense pressure, so I am going to give you some honest and good advice. Do not contact your Father, with a reply, do not contact him or reply to him, ever again. Each time you do, you are playing into his evil hands. Never let him see your precious baby. Your brother will be 16 next year, and if his mind hasn't been poisoned by your Father, he may get in touch, or he may not, but to all intents and purposes, he may be living, as a male, a much better life than you did.
I'm not asking you to admit defeat, I'm asking you to be kind to yourself, enjoy the life you have clawed back, you so deserve to be happy. 🌺🌺

I would say, sorry mum this is something you and dad are going to have to sort out together. It is not something I can be involved in.

She knows what your dad is like and if she won't accept that she is as bad as he is..

I say this as someone who had abusive parents, sometimes we look for the one who is the better one of the two, it doesn't mean what they do is good enough.

What should I say to my DM?

"I'm sorry mum. I know you are looking forward to seeing DB but I can't facilitate the travel arrangements as it will give off the impression to my father that I am still there to be used when he requires something. I hope you manage to see DB"

That's good. Or you could say,

"It's outrageous that my father is being so controlling and abusive. I would dearly love to see you and my brother, but I won't expose myself to any more of my father's abuse, so I won't be coming. But if at any point you'd like to see me and my brother without our father being there, that would be great."

@ontherise thank you for your kindness. I know logically I did not deserve the abuse but it's very hard to apply that logic to myself? My father blames me for being abused, my mother said it's my fault my brother is autistic because I traumatised him when I removed him from her care when she had a breakdown and took him to my rapists parents house- (before I knew he was grooming me of course.)

I would have DB here with us of course. We have a stable, happy home. I have lots of prenatal support, DH has a decent income- only £20k a year or so but we manage fine and we are a safe place. My father wouldn't ever allow it.

Well if your mum could essentially take your brother back & won't then I'm not sure what you can do.

It more than likely wouldn't be that easy, but hard to say that that isn't your problem.

Is your mum worried about needing help with your brother?

Totally ignore your father. Don't text him. Don't get involved in deals about you visiting so your mum can see your brother. He's likely to not allow that anyway. You have no responsibility for your dm's visitation either and she should not be making you feel like you have to do deals with your father. Their shit relationship is not your fault. Your also have no control over your brother's circumstance sad as it is.

The one thing you can do is make sure all the abuser you suffered physically from your father and sexual from your cousin is evidenced. Perhaps you need to speak to rape crisis. That way the environment your brother is in would be investigated. What would happen to him if your father lost custody? It doesn't sound like your dm is able to care for him either? Would you then take him in?

Is your brother safe?

This ^

Even if your cousin "Likes" girls, he and your father between them could corrupt your young brother and turn him into the same sort of vile abuser

Just wanted to say amazingly well done for getting yourself out of there and managing to build a healthy and loving domestic relationship.

Agree with PP: you have to prioritise your baby, and to my mind that means not going anywhere near your father ever again. It's really tough but your DM is an adult, however fragile, and your baby is the future, not her.

As for telling the police, SS etc: see above. If it would be good for YOU, help YOU move on, then yes, sometime when you're feeling strong and your partner is holding your hand. And if part of you feeling better is knowing you're trying to do something for your brother, then why not, it's lovely of you. And I do think them hearing it from you rather than your DM is more likely to go somewhere, though again you need to put in the balance how you potentially feel about your testimony being written off as untrustworthy for 'cultural' reasons.

Turn in towards your husband and future baby for love and strength; only turn back to that situation when you're feeling in a safe, strong place to help your brother.

Take care, OP

I'm sorry I think I've explained this really badly.

My father is 'allowing' DB to see my DM for an overnight visit- first time in a year. DB lives in U.K but different country. I am half way between DB address and DM's home. My father wants DH and i to meet them half way and drive my DB to my mothers.

It's to 'save time' as he's 'tired.' I believe it's a way of clawing back into my life.

If I say no I truly believe he won't let the visit go ahead (its been over a year since DM saw DB) and my DM and DB will blame me.

It's a control and abuse tactic from my father I am sure- but the guilt I'd feel if my DM couldn't see DB because I said no would be awful.

I deliberately don't allow my father to know my address

Please don't let him see your baby, for your sake as well as your baby's. this man will continue to manipulate and try and control you. Don't allow him to.

Stay strong. So glad you have a loving DH and supportive friends. You are amazing!

If your mother blames you like that then she's very lucky you even talk to her, let alone anything else.

What happened to you was not your fault, im sorry you had such a terrible time. Sadly it is easier for your parents to blame you then support, which is heartbreaking. They are at fault and you need to protect yourself and your baby from them.

I'm glad you have a supportive dh.

In all honesty your mother needs to be told no. Not only to protect you but she needs to step up and fight for your brother like she should have fought for you. Your dad...he's just disgusting excuse for humanity. Protect yourself, your baby and husband and mental health.

So i would be under pressure to meet at my home also.

It's very hard to get out of the 'something awful will happen to me' if I don't know as my father says. I clam up. I become a terrified child again.

I can't do anything about my brothers situation with regards to my cousin. My father is responsible for placing him in the proximity to an abuser. SS are aware.
Is my DB safe? Not in my option. But that is his parents responsibility not mine. I can't do anything about that no matter how much I try or have tried.

It's to 'save time' as he's 'tired.' I believe it's a way of clawing back into my life.

It is. If it was saving time your mum could meet them there so he doesn't get too tired poor poor wanker.

Thank you everyone for being so lovely and kind to me.

Your support has brought me to tears.