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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with DSIS???

411 replies

K1092902 · 30/07/2017 00:55

DSIS is getting married end of August. I'm maid of honour and DSD2 is supposed to be one of three bridesmaids and DD a flower girl with DNiece.

DSIS is visiting from France tomorrow. They are staying for 3 weeks but we will only be seeing them tomorrow as we go to London on Monday and DM/DF and DSIS are going to Wales for a fortnight a long with future BIL and DNiece.

DSD2 is 18 and we have recently found out she is pregnant.

DM and has told DSIS over the phone sometime this week. I wasn't aware of this and was going to tell her in person when we see her tomorrow

She has now decided she doesn't want DSD being a bridesmaid as she doesn't want to be shown as condoning teenage pregnancy.

DM telephoned me upset 20 mins ago to say DSIS phoned earlier to tell her.

DM has now been put in a position and doesn't want us coming for dinner tomorrow as she knows we will argue.

I'm fuming. I'd be on the phone to her now but she will be driving to Calais to catch her ferry.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 30/07/2017 16:15

*BeepBeepMOVE

Pregnant bridesmaids aren't great at any age but at 18 it will make her wedding look super tacky especially for photos.

I wouldn't want her as a BM.*

Yep cos thats what really matters isn't it? What others think of the photos?

Let's face is OP this post proves that some people just aren't very nice. Sadly your sister and/or her DP seem to be equally judgemental and shallow. Its a hard one though because presumably your younger DD will want to be a flower girl and will be gutted if you pull out. Could you pull out of maid of honour without her losing flower girl status?

Fruitcorner123 · 30/07/2017 16:22

Also could you leave early so you don't have to face the evening reception? Once DD has been in the photos and ceremony perhaps she won't be bothered about staying and you can take your daughter's out for a nice meal or something. Point made but without Dd missing out.

user1493630944 · 30/07/2017 16:23

It's your DSis wedding so it is up to her who she has as bridesmaids. If you argue with her there will be even more family disharmony. Her reason may seem judgemental to you but you are not likely to change her mind. MN is full of teen mums so no doubt you will get plenty of support for your stance, but out there in the real world teen mums are still judged by many. Either accept your DSis decision or don't go to the wedding.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 30/07/2017 16:26

Her reason is a stupid one in my opinion. She's entitled to it of course, but if he bitchy and simply say, if she wants to hold her view of your daughter then you won't be attending either.

ScarletSienna · 30/07/2017 16:28

It's great she has you fighting her corner again. It is a shame that she keeps coming up against these sort of views though.

lmer · 30/07/2017 16:33

The very fact she left one of your step daughters out in the first place should of been enough to show what a shitty person she is..... don't go to the wedding!

BeepBeepMOVE · 30/07/2017 16:34

Of course I wouldn't want a pregnant bridesmaid! Traditionally they aren't even supposed to be married , they are supposed to be maids! Its the same as having some old lady as a BM, it doesn't work.

She is 18 I doubt she was organising the hen or doing any bridesmaid duties other than standing in a dress and being in photos. No one is ostracising her by saying she can't be a BM, jeez!

That is absolutely fine mouse I don't want any pregnant teenagers at my wedding. I also like how everyone is calling me judgey for being honest but you are all judging me for my comments.

PurpleMinionMummy · 30/07/2017 16:48

Traditionally no one has sex before marriage and mums don't work. Life moves on Confused

rizlett · 30/07/2017 16:52

Its the same as having some old lady as a BM, it doesn't work.

My son had his GM as a bridesmaid at his wedding - she was 75 and everyone thought it was lovely. Not one person said 'oh, that didn't work' BeepbeepMOVE so beepbeep and MOVE on.

Thank you kindly.

diddl · 30/07/2017 16:53

Does sister now not wanting her as a bmaid also mean that she is no longer invited?

RandomMess · 30/07/2017 16:57

I would be so upset and hurt, don't think I could face going to a wedding that my DD or DSD wasn't welcome at!!

GlitteryFluff · 30/07/2017 17:01

I wouldn't want to attend either. I know it's easier said than done though but poor dsd.

Enidblyton1 · 30/07/2017 17:03

So sorry for you OP. Your Dsis is being a complete arse.
The fact that she offered to have DSD1 who she doesn't even know as bridesmaid speaks volumes. She is only concerned about her wedding photos and what people 'will think of her'
I really think your DM or DF (whichever is likely to make your Dsis realise how ridiculous she is being) needs to have a very serious chat with her. Otherwise, what will happen when DSD2's baby is born? Will Dsis ignore him/her? I can believe your Dsis is being so insensitive to her DSN who she is apparently 'close to'. Makes me so sad and angry at the same time Flowers

Whocansay · 30/07/2017 17:04

I wouldn't go at all. It would be condoning her bitchy behaviour.

It's big of her to want to come to your house to pick up gifts though. Nice.

hatsoncats · 30/07/2017 17:06

Tell your DSIS that NONE of you are prepared to be in the wedding party, nor attend the wedding. Do not allow her to speak to your DSD to put her "point of view" as this will only encourage DSIS to express her disapproval openly, and punish her face to face.

Your DSD is being punished left, right and centre for having an unplanned pregnancy. It is not the end of the world. It can be motivation to really work hard to make something of yourself & provide for your child. If this open disapproval continues, she will become ashamed and humiliated. Thank God she has you on her side to protect her from so much self-righteous judgement.

Also, can I just say, that IMHO, there is little as beautiful as a healthy, happy pregnant woman. She should hold her head high. She has made her decision and is dealing with it. Like an adult, not a teenager.

ALittleMop · 30/07/2017 17:06

Fucking hell who made your sister the morality police?

Is this like her? Or out of character?

She may have just had bridezilla moment and then realise that its not at all appropriate. Are her fiancee's family hardcore religious or something?

I feel a bit sorry for your mum but if she's going to meddle sufficiently to tell your sister the least she can do is give you the opportunity to meet and hopefully sort it out....or has your mum encouraged your sister's position? (surely not)

winglesspegasus · 30/07/2017 17:07

best mom award
considering weddings are a series of fertility rites...
so was your niece an immaculate conception???
what a horribl twat sis is.
myself i would refuse to be a matron of honor
theres no honor in this wedding.
go have a nice day somewhere else

SafeToCross · 30/07/2017 17:08

Way to shame someone. For you sd2 sake I would frame it as her not wanting a pregnant bridesmaid though rather than a teen pregnancy thing - if at all possible. And I would share your disapproval of dsis and her dp's decision. I would want to let everything cool down before there is any contact , let the pregnancy news sink in for everyone and tempers cool.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 30/07/2017 17:08

As suggested by pretty much everyone so far, pull out of the wedding. I suppose if dd is devastated she could go with your dm.

If money is no object, it would be lovely to use the time you were going to use on the wedding to do something nice with dsd.

TatterdemalionAspie · 30/07/2017 17:11

Have you told DSD2 yet? If not, I'd hold off on that until you've spoken to your sister - tell her calmly that of course it's her choice who to have as her attendants, but that if DSD2 isn't bridesmaid then none of the rest of you will be participating either. I'd do that without telling DSD2 first, though, because otherwise if your sister backs down and chooses to still have DSD2 as a bridesmaid, it would have ruined that for DSD2 and she'd feel as though she were there under sufferance, iyswim.

If sister chooses not to have DSD2 as bridesmaid, then fuck her and none of you participate/attend. It's going to cause a big family rift, though. Sad I bet she doesn't want attention distracted from her by people wondering whether your DSD is pregnant.

I think I remember your thread from before - was it you who found the pregnancy test and was worried your DH would throw her out? Sad Sad How did he react when he found out?

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 30/07/2017 17:13

I had this done to me.

Tell your DSIS to do one and never ever see her again would be my advice.

ALittleMop · 30/07/2017 17:13

Sorry - I'd missed your update when I posted.

I think your sister's reasons have fuck all to do with "condoning" another grown adult having a child out of wedlock despite having done so herself and everything to do with BeepBeep's noxious reasoning.

You have to support DSD2, clearly. I wonder if DSIS pov will change when she has to speak to her face to face.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 30/07/2017 17:15

You couldn't make this shit up could you? FFS you're due a break kiddo! 🍷

So, DSIS doesn't want to condone teenage pregnancy. Her wedding, her choice (idiotic, but her decision).

Don't go. You wouldn't want to condone nasty twattery would you?

Sure it'll upset your Mum, but maybe this will teach her a lesson, that you shouldn't go behind people's backs & do something they have specifically said they don't want done. I know she's generally lovely, but it still didn't give her the right to over ride you and tell DSIS when you said you wanted to tell her in person. If you'd be able to do it your way, this MAY not have happened.

It's 2017, DSD2 is pregnant, not a bloody mass murderer fgs. Your sister really is being a monumental twat.

ZippyCameBack · 30/07/2017 17:26

My niece got pregnant when she was 18. Nobody ever excluded her from anything and we all did our best to support her, despite the less than ideal circumstances. Because that's what decent, loving families do. Sadly, my niece lost her baby at 20 weeks, but she has good memories of the time she was pregnant and the support she got from her family.
I would feel wrong about taking any part in this wedding (and not just because I hate weddings anyway!).

rizlett · 30/07/2017 17:31

I wonder if there is another emotional side to your DSIS decision OP? Is there any chance that something similar might have happened to her and it's triggered an overly emotional response?