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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with DSIS???

411 replies

K1092902 · 30/07/2017 00:55

DSIS is getting married end of August. I'm maid of honour and DSD2 is supposed to be one of three bridesmaids and DD a flower girl with DNiece.

DSIS is visiting from France tomorrow. They are staying for 3 weeks but we will only be seeing them tomorrow as we go to London on Monday and DM/DF and DSIS are going to Wales for a fortnight a long with future BIL and DNiece.

DSD2 is 18 and we have recently found out she is pregnant.

DM and has told DSIS over the phone sometime this week. I wasn't aware of this and was going to tell her in person when we see her tomorrow

She has now decided she doesn't want DSD being a bridesmaid as she doesn't want to be shown as condoning teenage pregnancy.

DM telephoned me upset 20 mins ago to say DSIS phoned earlier to tell her.

DM has now been put in a position and doesn't want us coming for dinner tomorrow as she knows we will argue.

I'm fuming. I'd be on the phone to her now but she will be driving to Calais to catch her ferry.

OP posts:
histinyhandsarefrozen · 01/08/2017 21:52

Is that what people do when they are disappointed with their young bereaved nieces? Dump them from the wedding party?

Christ, glad you're not my aunt/parent/related in any way to me.

HeebieJeebies456 · 01/08/2017 21:53

The law assumes you have the maturity at 18 to act like an adult.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 01/08/2017 21:56

No. The law states you are an adult.

AgnesNitt1976 · 01/08/2017 22:03

it is one thing to be disappointed over the situation but a total over reaction and quite frankly callous to drop three bridesmaids

BubblegumFactory · 01/08/2017 22:07

What this all boils down to is that some people are just not very nice.

Willow2017 · 01/08/2017 22:12

acatcalledjohn

Wine Wine Cake Cake Star Flowers
fab post.

Willow2017 · 01/08/2017 22:23

^Young people aged 18 are treated as an adult by the law^.

Directly from the UK Gov website.

^The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child defines child as "a human being below the age of 18 years^

Hope that is not too difficult to understand.

Butterandsugar · 01/08/2017 23:52

I do keep chuckling at this nonsense that 18/19 year olds are not classed as adults.
By law, anyone over 18 is classed as an adult in the UK. You can emphasize the "teen" part as much as you like...they are walking, talking, voting, procreating shudder adults. They are legally tried, join the army, vote, enter into credit agreements and purchase alcohol as such. The law assumes you have the maturity to act as an adult because it consider you to be an adult.

OP, it's entirely up to your sister and her partner what they want, just as it's up to you how you respond. You're doing a smashing job so keep your chin up and enjoy London 😀

ComputerUserNotTrained · 02/08/2017 07:50

At 18, someone fits right into the intersection in the "teenager/adult" Venn diagram in my head (I think in Venn diagrams often Blush ).

They're a young adult, and aren't as likely to make informed choices based on knowledge and experience as they will be at 35. They will probably need more of a helping hand to negotiate life than they would at 35, but they are still an adult.

It's not rocket science.

Temporary2002 · 02/08/2017 08:21

Your sister is nuts. Hope she enjoys living in her glass house. Send them a mirror for a wedding present. A cheap pound shop one.

Hang in there, keep smiling, and enjoy your family holiday. Flowers

Whenyouseeit · 02/08/2017 08:25

One of the things I've learned as an ADULT is that life is too short for people who dont have your back. This isnt about wearing a pretty dress or 'getting' to be a bridesmaid, this is about the aunt saying as clearly as she can that she doesnt support her niece. Which she is entitled to do but, like any other decision she has to accept the consequences. At 18 I probably would have politely accepted it but at nearly 40, it would be a deal breaker. My friends and family support me, they dont knock me when Im down.

Most people had sex as teenagers so I dont understand the judgement of teen pregnancy. Contraception fails. Abortion is a choice. Which part of that do people disaprove of?

Temporary2002 · 02/08/2017 08:27

Sorry for say your sister is nuts, as it seems this is unexpected and not her usual way. But her kicking your dsd out of the wedding party is insensitive, heartless and just mean.

Temporary2002 · 02/08/2017 08:32

Sorry for saying your sister is nuts, when this is not her usual behavior. Kicking your dsd out of the wedding party for being pregnant is insensitive and cold hearted, close minded and mean.

itstoolateforthisbollox · 02/08/2017 11:31

By law, anyone over 18 is classed as an adult in the UK. You can emphasize the "teen" part as much as you like

They are adults. They are also teens. Not sure why so many are confused by this, they are both self evident facts.....

2017SoFarSoGood · 02/08/2017 16:17

ACat your post gets an A++++ in my book. You said it all. 👏👏👏

QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/08/2017 20:37

Some posters are getting ridiculous now. She is an adult and can choose to keep her baby if she wishes. People are entitled including the aunt to disagree, others are also entitled to find that a shitty thing to do.

Butterandsugar · 02/08/2017 21:13

Not confusion from my end, one does not preclude the other.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 02/08/2017 22:37

How sad and judgemental people can be! The hypocrisy of your sister is just stunning op!

I am a Christian, I have only ever been in a sexual relationship with my husband. Both of my children were born well after we married. But I am a sinner and have no right to moral superiority! Christians are often accused of being judgemental. (Many are! )

But I can tell you now, that in the op's position, our daughter would have 100% of our support! She is my daughter, I love her and I will not judge her!

I hate how pro choice often seems to mean pro abortion! Like the choice part is only allowed for choosing abortion! Where a young girl is judged for choosing not to abort and instead to deal with the situation with maturity and bring the life she has helped create into this world. (Before anyone suggests it I am not suggesting that choosing to abort is an immature decision) I think that your DSD is dealing very maturely with this situation. For a girl to have lost so much, so young, she is likely more mature than many women in their early to mid twenties. I can see how a girl who having lost her Mother and the bond they shared, has clung to the little life inside of her and the promise of a similar bond with her own child.

I think of a bible story which very much applies to this situation! In the Gospel of John 8 1-12, when a woman is caught in the act of adultery, the Jewish elders asked Jesus what the right thing to do was. The law of the time was that the woman should be stoned to death, Jesus picked up a stone and said to the crowd of people (Jewish elders and a crowd who had gathered to listen), 'let he who is without sin throw the first stone'. As the woman sobbed, one by one the crowd and elders dropped their rocks (and stones) and left sheepishly. Then Jesus asked the woman Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”
“No, Lord,” she said. And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.” Your sister and her future husband are obviously the type who believe themselves to be morally superior and as such feel the right to 'stone' others for their inferior
(in their eyes behaviour) behaviour.

I am always astonished at how high and mighty and righteous some people will act when they themselves are no angels. I would have to pull out of the wedding and tell your sister that you are sorry that she feels that way. Stay away from the wedding, support your daughter and find something nice to do as a family to take your mind off the day of the wedding. Sell your dresses, take back your gifts and use the money to do something nice. Perhaps buy something nice for the new baby, or some maternity clothes for your DSD. I happen to believe that a new life is a gift to be celebrated, no matter the circumstances of the conception! In your place op, I would do everything to support my daughter, through pregnancy, birth and with childcare after! You are a wonderful step mother op and your step daughters are so lucky to have you!

Hissy · 03/08/2017 06:37

The TEEN in eighTEEN says she's not an adult

Shall I raise the awkward subject of nineTEEN?

You know the TEEN that's ABOVE the legal age for everything?

mikeyssister · 03/08/2017 09:53

Can we agree she's a young adult and stop all the fighting .

IncyWincyGrownUp · 03/08/2017 10:20

There's no need for the 'young' though mikeyssister. She's just an adult. It's a legal cut off, no debate or embellishment needed.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 03/08/2017 14:46

Development and body wise she would be classed as a young adult. Still an adult though.

mikeyssister · 03/08/2017 15:38

I just meant for all the people who keep insisting she's not an adult because she's a teenager.

To be honest though I would consider an 18 year old to be young even though legally they're an adult

itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 15:41

There's no need for the 'young' though mikeyssister. She's just an adult. It's a legal cut off, no debate or embellishment needed

Of course there is. Legally an adult, yes, but most certainly a young adult. The very youngest, in fact. Brain not fully formed, not yet got full decision making faculties and poor impulse control.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 03/08/2017 15:51

I know enough of the fully mature types that make decisions as irrationally as the newly minted ones.

I dislike this habit of looking for excuses to explain away utterly uncalled for behaviour.

Regardless of whether the woman in question is 18 or 38, she's an adult and should be accorded the same degree of respect.