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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with DSIS???

411 replies

K1092902 · 30/07/2017 00:55

DSIS is getting married end of August. I'm maid of honour and DSD2 is supposed to be one of three bridesmaids and DD a flower girl with DNiece.

DSIS is visiting from France tomorrow. They are staying for 3 weeks but we will only be seeing them tomorrow as we go to London on Monday and DM/DF and DSIS are going to Wales for a fortnight a long with future BIL and DNiece.

DSD2 is 18 and we have recently found out she is pregnant.

DM and has told DSIS over the phone sometime this week. I wasn't aware of this and was going to tell her in person when we see her tomorrow

She has now decided she doesn't want DSD being a bridesmaid as she doesn't want to be shown as condoning teenage pregnancy.

DM telephoned me upset 20 mins ago to say DSIS phoned earlier to tell her.

DM has now been put in a position and doesn't want us coming for dinner tomorrow as she knows we will argue.

I'm fuming. I'd be on the phone to her now but she will be driving to Calais to catch her ferry.

OP posts:
pointythings · 30/07/2017 17:41

I'm just going to go along with everyone else who has said your Dsis either reinstates your DSD, or none of you will be in the wedding party. Personally I'd not be attending the wedding at all, but that is your choice.

Glad to hear your H is gradually coming round and starting to see some sense. You are Mum of the Year.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 30/07/2017 17:41

Which bit is she not wanting to condone?

The having sex at 18. (Errrmmm - doesn't everyone other than Kate Middleton?)
The being unlucky with contraception. (Does she also not condone people who are unlucky enough to get cancer or be in a car crash?)
The deciding not to have a termination. (Even the most rabid of a pro-choicer believes in "choice" presumably.)

mrscropley · 30/07/2017 17:48

Is she worried the bump will receive more attention than her?
No way would I let my dc have anything to do with her wedding. . .

woodhill · 30/07/2017 17:51

Not everyone has sex at 18 mum. Some couples wait till they are married.

TatterdemalionAspie · 30/07/2017 18:00

Yes woodhill, that's true. But unless the sister is a moralising fundamentalist religious, presumably her objections are less about sinning against god and more about detracting some of the attention she wants entirely focused on her on her wedding day.

JacquesHammer · 30/07/2017 18:10

Some couples wait till they are married

Which is of course totally their choice, however it isn't their place to set themselves up as moral arbiter of how other consenting adults choose to live theirs.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 30/07/2017 18:14

She has now decided she doesn't want DSD being a bridesmaid as she doesn't want to be shown as condoning teenage pregnancy

Whatever her reasons - it's her wedding - and if she doesn't want a heavily pregnant woman walking down the aisle in front of her then that's fair enough.

Personally, i think OP and her DSD are acting very entitled.
Your DSD actions are impacting everyone in the family, predictably you are rallying around her.
However, the rest of the world is under no obligation to approve of her choice to be pregnant at 18 or to mollycoddle her like her parents do.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 30/07/2017 18:16

beepbeep ok so we should just scrap weddings then. Do you condone the use of the word -obey- during the ceremony? Seeing as it's traditional.

pointythings · 30/07/2017 18:25

Oh, I see beepbeep's little friend has arrived.

If taking care of a family member who has had a contraceptive mishap is mollycoddling, then I would rather be a mollycoddler. I suppose you're a member of the 'throw 'em out and shame 'em' brigade...

OP's Dsis is of course absolutely entitled to do what she wants. But she will have to accept the consequences of her choices.

McTufty · 30/07/2017 18:31

Your sister should be showing support to family, not ostracising her. Unless there is some kind of trigger causing her to behave in such a callous way as PP suggested, then I wouldn't go to the wedding.

Keeping her as BM would be an ideal way to show she is still loved and part of the family at a difficult time for her, and I just don't see why it bothers your sister. I really don't.

I would have loved my sister to be 6 months pregnant at my wedding, as she was due to be, sadly she had a miscarriage so wasn't pregnant on the day. This shows what is important.

threedayrule · 30/07/2017 18:48

It's great she has you fighting her corner again. It is a shame that she keeps coming up against these sort of views though.

This. I'm glad to hear her dad is coming round, even if slowly. Its awesome that she has you.

woodhill · 30/07/2017 18:56

I was responding to earlier post that everyone is sexually active at 18.

I can see ops ds is pov but she should still show kindness to ops dsd and have her as bridesmaid

JacquesHammer · 30/07/2017 19:01

However, the rest of the world is under no obligation to approve of her choice to be pregnant at 18 or to mollycoddle her like her parents do

If the type of parent who would support and love their child through anything is "mollycoddling" then sign me up. Far preferable to the scarlet letter brigade

zzzzz · 30/07/2017 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsNachoCheese · 30/07/2017 19:15

k109 so not only have you had a shitty time with dsd's dad and her pregnancy now your dsis is being an arse. Flowers to you and dsd

twattymctwatterson · 30/07/2017 19:20

Honestly I wouldn't go. Treating someone you supposedly care about like this is low

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 30/07/2017 19:21

Zzzzz, I would imagine it's very common.

The teenager in question has no means to support a child, no career, likelihood of the relationship lasting is pretty slim if it hasn't already ceased so for many it's nothing to be celebrated.

Most parents in those circumstances wouldn't be happy unless they were teenage parents themselves. They might rally round but that's not the same as being happy.

The SD was old enough to have sex without protection so old enough to deal with people disagreeing with her lifestyle choices.

Nobody can force the sister to rejoice in the pregnancy, she's her own person and entitled to her view. Maybe she's thinking of her own daughter and not wanting to show that this is all fine and a good thing.

kittybiscuits · 30/07/2017 19:23

I wouldn't make any announcements about not going to the wedding, or engage in any drama. I would just not engage any further. And when I got the call or text saying 'where are you?' I would just reply saying 'you made your decision. Surely you didn't think that the rest of us would be involved if you decided to exclude DSD'. Stupid sister.

zzzzz · 30/07/2017 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pointythings · 30/07/2017 19:34

Rainbows you don't know that no contraception was used - contraception can fail. Nobody is asking anyone to 'celebrate' this pregnancy - they are asking for love and support. Which is what families are supposed to provide, and if they don't, they are failures.

I would not be thrilled if my DDs got pregnant now, I definitely wouldn't throw a giant party, but I would be there supporting my child and making damn sure they knew they were always loved.

Honestly, attitudes like yours need eradicating.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 30/07/2017 19:44

Support in this case would equal acceptance and the sister is not ready to do that just as the SDs dad didn't at the start. That doesn't make her wrong or a failure, she's entitled to feel how she feels. Whether people like that or not is a different matter but she shouldn't have to lie or go against her beliefs.

Disinviting her from the bridesmaid thing was petty but the news is new to her. She may change her mind like the girls father did.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 30/07/2017 19:45

OP's Dsis is of course absolutely entitled to do what she wants. But she will have to accept the consequences of her choices

As will the pregnant DSD.

She isn't being 'ostracised' from the wedding - that's just the histrionics of entitled people.
If a bride says 'no kids allowed' to the wedding - is that her 'ostracising' children?
Usually the response is 'her wedding, her choice'.

Being pregnant at 18, with no partner/income/own home isn't something to be proud of.
'Contraception failure' is a well used excuse - doesn't mean that DSD did not plan this all along.

Ultimately - DSD has no 'right' to be a bridesmaid so should not feel so entitled.
She can't expect EVERYONE to be 'on board' with her choices or the world to revolve around her.

And if she can't handle this like a mature woman then i feel sorry for the child-to-be!

kittybiscuits · 30/07/2017 19:54

All this ^ is bollocks

Sashkin · 30/07/2017 19:58

Couldn't, it just seems like a very weird thing to care about. How does somebody else getting pregnant affect you, such that you need to uninvited them to your wedding? Unless they are pregnant via future DH, I can't see how anybody else's reproductive decisions are anything to do with me.

Would you also demote your bridesmaid if she split up from her husband, changed careers or took up sailing? Because somebody else's pregnancy seems similarly not about me.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 30/07/2017 19:59

That's your opinion.....not a fact!