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Original poster

To be fuming with DSIS???

411 replies

K1092902 · 30/07/2017 00:55

DSIS is getting married end of August. I'm maid of honour and DSD2 is supposed to be one of three bridesmaids and DD a flower girl with DNiece.

DSIS is visiting from France tomorrow. They are staying for 3 weeks but we will only be seeing them tomorrow as we go to London on Monday and DM/DF and DSIS are going to Wales for a fortnight a long with future BIL and DNiece.

DSD2 is 18 and we have recently found out she is pregnant.

DM and has told DSIS over the phone sometime this week. I wasn't aware of this and was going to tell her in person when we see her tomorrow

She has now decided she doesn't want DSD being a bridesmaid as she doesn't want to be shown as condoning teenage pregnancy.

DM telephoned me upset 20 mins ago to say DSIS phoned earlier to tell her.

DM has now been put in a position and doesn't want us coming for dinner tomorrow as she knows we will argue.

I'm fuming. I'd be on the phone to her now but she will be driving to Calais to catch her ferry.

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 30/07/2017 13:25

I think the DSIS is getting a hard time. She's quite entitled to disagree with teenage pregnancy, most people wouldn't see it as something to celebrate. Her moral views are hers, just as others have theirs.

If she's not showing nobody would know though and the dress should still fit so who would actually know? That part I'm on the fence on.

MaudAndOtherPoems · 30/07/2017 13:28

Another vote for not going to the wedding.

I too couldn't care less if people have children without being married, but your sister is a nasty hypocrite for ditching your DSD as bridemaid for not conforming to a strict code of morality that it seems she doesn't adhere to either.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/07/2017 13:33

Rainbows she is entitled to her opinion (although how anyone can "disagree" with a biological function is beyond me) and not have the DSD as part of her wedding. However it works both ways and if I was the OP I would be exercising my entitlement to say "All or none at all".

I agree that if the DSis is think that the pregnant BM will take attention away from her then she is mistaken. That having half of the brides family not even at the wedding when everyone knew them to be attendants will be even more limelight stealing!

BannedFromNarnia · 30/07/2017 13:33

@RainbowsAndUnicorns Of course everyone is entitled to their moral view, but if their morals are shitty, as in this case, then they also have to live with the consequences of them.

I disagree that teenage pregnant isn't a thing to celebrate. They're just a thing. They happen. It's the circumstance that makes it.

For some teenagers, they're a misery and a cause of a lot of upset, for others they're something to be ambivalent over, for still others they're a cause to celebrate.

Lots of reasons why some are negative, of course, such as the age of the teenager, the circumstances of conception, but 18 year old who's decided to keep her baby? Hardly a terrible circumstance, and being happy for her and excited about her baby is part of being a supportive relative.

(Anecdata, but I knew a woman when I was a teenager who'd been told she'd never have children because of something like endometriosis, I forget what. Still using condoms because diseases, but when one failed and she found she was pregnant you can bet she and all her family were really happy for her, even though she was only 17.)

BastardGoDarkly · 30/07/2017 13:35

Since when has being pregnant been a bad thing in a bridesmaid?

When did weddings become all about the hello! Type veneer, and not about families coming together, in all their glory for a fabulous day?

My best friend got married a couple of weeks ago, 6 months pregnant with her. 4th girl, she looked radiant.

GwenStaceyRocks · 30/07/2017 13:38

I wish your DM hadn't put herself in the middle of this. It increased the odds of it all ending badly.
As for your DSIS, I'd try to have an honest chat without the DCs present.
I'd listen to your DSD too. She might not want to be a bridesmaid when she's pregnant. Being in the wedding party will leave her open to more questioning. She also may not want to be responsible for a big family rift. atm I'd be prioritising handling this in as low-key a way as possible. Your DSD doesn't need the stress.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 30/07/2017 13:41

Jesus, Beep, that's one of the nastiest things I've ever read on here. Tacky? Fifa, don't be ridiculous.

OP, I agree, I couldn't attend now, it's pretty heartless of your dsis to do this, attending the wedding would just be very uncomfortable.

VladmirsPoutine · 30/07/2017 13:44

OP you're really quite a strong woman. I couldn't have ever got involved in any of this from the very start. The girls are very lucky to have you.

CoughLaughFart · 30/07/2017 13:46

I think the DSIS is getting a hard time. She's quite entitled to disagree with teenage pregnancy, most people wouldn't see it as something to celebrate. Her moral views are hers, just as others have theirs.

She's not being asked to host a baby shower for her, is she?

diddl · 30/07/2017 13:50

It's hard to condemn Ops sister too much though when the girl's own father's reaction was to throw her out.

CoughLaughFart · 30/07/2017 13:51

Pregnant bridesmaids aren't great at any age but at 18 it will make her wedding look super tacky especially for photos.

Her non-tacky photos will be cold comfort when she potentially has to explain to everyone why her own sister refused to come.

CoughLaughFart · 30/07/2017 13:53

Diddl - the father's reaction is irrelevant. The sister is an adult; how he reacted doesn't have any bearing on her course of action.

diddl · 30/07/2017 14:04

"how he reacted doesn't have any bearing on her course of action."

Well imo it certainly makes it easier to say that you'd rather not have a teenage bmaid when said father has already kicked off.

Obviously though she already has to be bothered about it.

valeriarrgh · 30/07/2017 14:06

Doesn't want to be seen as 'condoning teenage pregnancy'? For pity's sake! I don't think I can roll my eyes far enough.

I'm guessing she's planning on breaking the news too? Or is she offloading that job on to you guys?

Personally I would make my feelings very much known and I would take a serious view as to whether I would be going at all.

OlennasWimple · 30/07/2017 14:11

I'm trying to be generous to DSis and wondering if there will be lots of French relatives at the wedding who might comment and make it awkward for DSD...? Otherwise, I can't fathom why someone would be so against her being a BM if it wasn't for her own protection Confused

RiversrunWoodville · 30/07/2017 14:12

Good for you K you have been so strong through all of this your dsd is very lucky to have you. Enjoy your family break

zzzzz · 30/07/2017 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IHateUncleJamie · 30/07/2017 14:14

My DSis was 6 months pregnant at my wedding and she was my MOH - she looked absolutely beautiful. Nothing tacky about a pregnant bridesmaid, Beep.

K assuming your DSis is not a Vicar/Priest or has other stringent religious reasons for her behaviour, she is being inexcusably bitchy. I had all sorts of shenanigans with my In Laws over our wedding, and eventually I just said "My day, my rules - either behave or don't bother coming".

If I were you, I would treat your sister similarly, i.e. My children, my business - you either have DS2 and DD as planned, with no judgy bullshit, OR none of us come." If she chooses the latter then sod her, don't go to the wedding, and go on a nice short break elsewhere. 💐

eatabagofdicks · 30/07/2017 14:27

I wouldn't go to the wedding at all. I also wouldn't let her come over and talk to DSD. What is she going to say?! I don't approve of your pregnancy? Guess what, too bad, not her choice.

The thing is in years to come you will still have dsd in your life, plus a grandchild. And when your dsis looks back at her photos, a good chunk of her family will be missing. She may grow to really love your grandchild and will probably one day seriously regret her actions. These are the type of mistakes that can't be undone.

pigsDOfly · 30/07/2017 14:38

Yes Dsis is entitled to have her opinion on the desirability, or otherwise of teenage pregnancies, but ostracizing a young woman because she's pregnant at 18 goes beyond not 'celebrating' her pregnancy and is just spiteful.

The days when unmarried pregnant women were hidden away and sent to unmarried mothers' home has passed.

Hate to think how she'd be towards her own daughter if she were in the same situation.

Lostinaseaofbubbles · 30/07/2017 14:47

So your DH came around to the pregnancy thing? That's great!

As for the wedding. I don't know what to suggest. Will you regret it if you don't go?

Didiplanthis · 30/07/2017 15:00

3 of my bridesmaids/MoH were pregnant at my wedding varying from 3 to 8 months ! We planned it 14 months in advance. Life happens !

sparechange · 30/07/2017 15:02

Queen, you can be a teenager and an adult though
That's what 18 and 19 year olds are Confused

Bibbitybobbitybollocks · 30/07/2017 15:22

Yes Dsis is entitled to her shitty opinion, and you're entitled to tell her all or nothing and support your dsd, which is what I would do whilst sitting on my hands to avoid hoicking her judgy pants right up to her neck and throttling her with them

mamabae · 30/07/2017 16:05

Firstly... you sound like an amazing step mum.

Secondly... your sister is a dick. Plain and simple.

It's incredibly nasty to demote someone from the bridal party because they are pregnant.. irrespective of age.
My sister was a bit like this with her wedding, she declared that my newborn had to be there like some photo prop but banned me from bringing a pram or bassinet/travel cot and told me I had to cram my baby (who couldn't sit up yet) in a high chair and that I was being difficult when i declined her kind offer. Apparently prams look tacky and ruin the 'ambience' Hmm

I didn't go in the end and I'm glad I didn't because like you I wouldn't have been able to go there playing happy families when all I would be thinking is what a tit she'd been.