To be fuming with DSIS???

[K1092902]

DSIS is getting married end of August. I'm maid of honour and DSD2 is supposed to be one of three bridesmaids and DD a flower girl with DNiece.

DSIS is visiting from France tomorrow. They are staying for 3 weeks but we will only be seeing them tomorrow as we go to London on Monday and DM/DF and DSIS are going to Wales for a fortnight a long with future BIL and DNiece.

DSD2 is 18 and we have recently found out she is pregnant.

DM and has told DSIS over the phone sometime this week. I wasn't aware of this and was going to tell her in person when we see her tomorrow

She has now decided she doesn't want DSD being a bridesmaid as she doesn't want to be shown as condoning teenage pregnancy.

DM telephoned me upset 20 mins ago to say DSIS phoned earlier to tell her.

DM has now been put in a position and doesn't want us coming for dinner tomorrow as she knows we will argue.

I'm fuming. I'd be on the phone to her now but she will be driving to Calais to catch her ferry.

If it's not what you'd have thought she'd react like maybe I'd initially see if I could find out what's behind this over a cuppa just the two of you. Is she really judgmental about the pregnancy per se, is she worried about gossip, is it something about her ideas of the perfect photos or was she just taken by surprise and it's a matter of getting used to the idea.

But yes, ultimately supporting your DSD is going to be more important than being MoH in my view.

I think I'd email her - but I'd also (and yes I know it's blackmail) say that if DSD is not to be included, despite being an ADULT, not a child, then you and your DD won't be part of the wedding party either - you, as a family, will stick together, so if she kicks one of you out then you all go.

If she kicks off further then I would re-think going at all - this sort of shit is so tedious in families! But I don't subscribe to the "faaaaammmily" notion that one must do everything in one's power to keep the faamily together, especially not when one of them is a total arsehole.

Although I don't think your sister has handled this well, and I have a lot of compassion for your stepdaughter's situation, I can also see why having a pregnant, unmarried teenager as a bridesmaid would make some people uncomfortable. I'm the child of teenage parents, and many (most) of my female relatives have been unmarried, teenager mothers. I don't think it's a shameful thing, per se, but nor do I think it's something to be terribly proud of. When I see an obviously pregnant teenager (or a pregnant girl who I would guess to be a teenager), I find it incredibly depressing. I would not have "fired" a young bridesmaid of mine if she was going to be obviously pregnant on my wedding day, but I also would not have been very excited about it.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh - I don't mean it to be - but I think that the judgment on your sister is a little harsh too.

HillaryWinshaw I think the NC thing is excessive. I have every respect for people who go NC from family because of abuse and things like that but I struggle to get my head around it in cases like this one.

Mind you, DSIS's reaction seems excessive. Just get a different dress/same dress in a bigger size already! Problem solved. Or are DSIS's feelings about something a lot deeper? Does she fear the spotlight will be taken away from her? Because I doubt that would happen. Brides are not usually upstaged by their pregnant rellies.

You are not bu your DSD needs support from her extended family as does her child when it arrives, is you sister normally so self centered or is it just the wedding that's affecting her judgement?

I've been thinking about your family OP and hoping it would settle. You are an amazing mum. 💐

I think this may be less about morals and more about attention being taken away from your sister. Is she really worried about 'condoning' teenager pregnancy - or worried that some guests will be speculating about it rather than gushing about her big day?

Afternoon MNetters.

Spoke to DSIS this morning. She isn't going to budge and apparently it is a decision she and her DP have made together.

She has offered that DSD1 be bridesmaid- but I pointed out (Not meaning to cause offence to DSD1 of course)- that a) they barely know each other and DSD1 couldn't remember her name even until I told her this week and b) surely that would make DSD2 feel even worse.

Have spoken to DF about it this morning. I've told him I'm pretty pissed off at DM for going behind my back and apparently he's had words with her about that- but agrees that DSIS isn't going to budge on this and ultimately it is her decision.

I'm crushed. DSIS says she will at least come round this evening alone with DNiece so we can give her her birthday presents and for her to chat to DSD2 but I have a feeling this isn't going to end well and we are meant to be going to London for a family break tomorrow...

Don't get involved at all in the wedding. Instead go on holiday. Your dsis is being a grade a bitch.

And yet I'd imagine your sis will want to know the baby once they're born same as your dh will. It makes me so cross that people can treat the mother so badly because she's choosing to keep the baby but then will fuss and coo over the baby once they arrive.

I hope tonight goes ok. Iv said it before but your dsd is lucky to have you

It's layers and layers of punishment isn't it? That's what all of this is. Death by a thousand cuts of judgement. If I was your step daughter I'd want nothing to do with anyone that wasn't supportive and positive.

Wow. So does your said expect you and dad to still be involved? She thinks you'd do that to DSD?!

Dsis no said

People can go a bit crazy with wedding stress so I would try to bear that in mind. However, I would very clearly and calmly tell your sister that if DSD is being dumped as a bm, then you will not be moh and dd will not be a fg, because that is how you roll.

Please, do not support anyone in treating your DSD in this appalling way.

I'd pull out of the wedding

No fucking way would I be all smiles and shit while someone has been this callous to a dsd of mine.

Your dsis is a bitch. Shame on her.

Pull out and make sure everyone knows why.

That would be it for me personally, I'd pull out if the wedding completely.

She is trying to use her wedding to control others, she is an unsupportive and judgemental bitch.

Tell her to shove her wedding up her arse.

I could not be maid of honour and my dd could not be flower girl. If also make it clear to dsis that I assume this means she doesn't want to know the baby.

I really hope her own daughter doesnt get pregnant at 18.

Unfeeling bitch.

I wouldn't have anything to do with her wedding if I was in your position OP. Sod the fallout - she has already moved your relationship onto very dodgy ground.

At my wedding my niece was my bridesmaid when she was unmarried and eight months pregnant! It was a great day and I was still the centre of attention. I could never have hurt her by saying she could no longer be my bridesmaid but did say she could not do it if it was too much.
I don't think anyone thought anything of it but then my guests were family and friends!

I wouldn't go, without any hesitation.

That poor kid just can't catch a break, can she? Does your sister know what you guys have been through to get to this point? How could she possibly think that asking other dsd to be a bridesmaid is going to make you feel better? Does she have any insight or empathy? I'd make this wedding a hard pass.

Your sister is an undiluted arsehole.

Sorry.

Wtaf?! I'd be raging op. This is family she's ostricising her own niece, for the sake of some bollocks judgemental morality.

I'd tell her to shove her presents, shove her wedding, and I'd be seriously reevaluating our whole relationship.

Honestly, I would. This is so unfeeling and shallow.

I'm glad your dh has come round a bit.

You're being amazing, in very difficult circumstances