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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fuming with DSIS???

411 replies

K1092902 · 30/07/2017 00:55

DSIS is getting married end of August. I'm maid of honour and DSD2 is supposed to be one of three bridesmaids and DD a flower girl with DNiece.

DSIS is visiting from France tomorrow. They are staying for 3 weeks but we will only be seeing them tomorrow as we go to London on Monday and DM/DF and DSIS are going to Wales for a fortnight a long with future BIL and DNiece.

DSD2 is 18 and we have recently found out she is pregnant.

DM and has told DSIS over the phone sometime this week. I wasn't aware of this and was going to tell her in person when we see her tomorrow

She has now decided she doesn't want DSD being a bridesmaid as she doesn't want to be shown as condoning teenage pregnancy.

DM telephoned me upset 20 mins ago to say DSIS phoned earlier to tell her.

DM has now been put in a position and doesn't want us coming for dinner tomorrow as she knows we will argue.

I'm fuming. I'd be on the phone to her now but she will be driving to Calais to catch her ferry.

OP posts:
Lostinaseaofbubbles · 31/07/2017 21:59

I can't help but wonder if she's so upset by the idea of a pregnant bridesmaid because of some kind of personal-to-her issues. Maybe she desperately wants a child (or another child - not quite clear if she already has any). Maybe she's desperate for kids and they've struggled to conceive. Or maybe she's desperate for kids but she's been waiting till "after the wedding" or until they feel financially stable and it's become something she finds upsetting.

Whatever the reason it's clearly having a terrible effect on all of your family. I'm so sorry you're all going through this.

pointythings · 31/07/2017 21:59

^Why is the DSD allowed to make personal choices but not the DSIS?
Why do you all believe it's only DSD's feelings and thoughts that matter?^

Maybe because the choice is between 'keeping up appearances at a wedding' and 'supporting a young person through a change that is going to affect her whole life'.

But in your shallow little world of course those things carry equal weight. Of course they do.

Storminateapot · 31/07/2017 22:03

How do DSD's choices affect the bride at all? She will be too early in pregnancy to show. She isn't proposing giving birth during the ceremony or forcing scan pics on every guest. Nobody need ever know. It's the
bride who somehow feels her wedding must be kept so pure that a bridesmaid may not be pregnant.

This isn't a case of not choosing her to be a bridesmaid, it's a case of dropping her as an invited bridesmaid at the last minute (plus her own sister & niece by association). That's cruel. What exactly is wrong with a woman - and woman she is - having a baby?

ProphetOfDoom · 31/07/2017 22:27

Dsis is affecting moral outrage - or maybe she does genuinely feel outraged - that DSD is pregnant at 18. But I suspect this outrage had more to do with 'how dare she do this to my wedding?' 'what people will think?' and the 'scandal' & 'whispers' that she thinks will be attached to the event.

Her last-minute wholesale ditching of the bridesmaid, flower girl and maid of honour is going to achieve all of that and more and importantly it won't reflect well on HER.

I also doubt she will be able to look back on her wedding photographs without a deep consciousness of who was absent that day and her own meanness of spirit reflected back at her.

mumto2two · 31/07/2017 22:50

It sounds like your poor step daughter has been through a lot.
She needs love & support, not ostracism. Sorry OP, hope things get worked out somehow Flowers

Boysnme · 31/07/2017 22:54

OP you are doing great with your DSD. I would find it hard to go to the wedding but I like the suggestion from a pp who suggested going for the ceremony and then leaving. I know you were thinking of not going to it going anyway but your dsis has now taken that decision away from you. I really hope she is telling your DD. Who does that to a child!

MrsJamesAspey · 31/07/2017 23:02

Sounds like she's got a bad case of bridezilla

I'd just forget about the wedding and concentrate on your children and husband

Tell you DF that you don't want the wedding ruined and you appreciate his support but he needs to not get involved

DSis is totally out of order but weddings seems to do that to people

HeebieJeebies456 · 31/07/2017 23:26

Everyone's entitled to their own opinions on teenage pregnancy.

Personally, i wouldn't want my dc to think getting knocked up at 18 is something to admire/celebrate/condone/acceptable.

It's easy when you're not related but if the DSIS has a young DD of her own then it's even more understandable why she doesn't want to be seen 'condoning' it.

zzzzz · 31/07/2017 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoughLaughFart · 31/07/2017 23:36

You do know she'll still be pregnant even if she isn't a bridesmaid, right?

Madhatter24 · 31/07/2017 23:36

Is there a key for all the abbreviations? I can't get my head around everything as I keep reading DS DD DSIS. What do they all mean?

Willow2017 · 31/07/2017 23:38

But she wasnt married when she had her DD so how come she gets to judge someone else who isnt married?

18 may still be technically a teen but by legal standards it is also an adult. DSD can drink, vote and be sent to fight in a war but having a baby is a disgrace?

Its not like she is going to be even showing much, she isnt going to be pushing her huge bump into bridezillas daughters face!

It might not be acceptable to some people but it happens and the women should have the support of their families whatever they chose to do about it. It takes bravery to decide to keep a baby you hadnt planned and will change your future.

Fruitcorner123 · 31/07/2017 23:42

Heebiejeebies Should we make pregnant teens stay indoors locked away in case our daughters see them and start getting ideas?

Or

Should we educate our daughters about safe sex and bring them up as independent intelligent females who can discern for themselves why it might be harder to be a mum at 18 than later in life but also know that if they find themselves pregnant in their teens they will be loved and supported not ostracised by their family.

Fruitcorner123 · 31/07/2017 23:44

DS Darling son, DSiS darling sister, DD darling daughter, DSD Darling step daughter.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/07/2017 23:48

Mad hatter

www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms

MrsLupo · 01/08/2017 00:34

Ooh, my very first deletion. Thanks, Couldn't. Grin

Nothing more to add, but I'll offer OP and her DSD some more Flowers to make up for the ones that got deleted in the bunfight.

And an excellent post from Ellen upthread, btw.

HeebieJeebies456 · 01/08/2017 01:07

18 year olds are adults
No - they're still a teen, albeit one on the cusp of adulthood.
They're talking about giving 16 year olds the vote - does that mean they automatically become mature/responsible adults overnight?

There's more to being an adult than age - maturity,-financial responsibility, standing on your own two feet, managing your own home etc.
I know some individuals who - at 16/17 - were behaving more like adults than some of the actual adults around them.

We've been getting sex education for years Fruit ....

DSD has got the support of her parents/immediate family......unfortunately she can't expect everyone to share her view/opinions.
That's the way of the world.

Madhatter24 · 01/08/2017 01:15

Thank you for the clarification in the acronyms. I'll try reading it again now - hopefully it will make sense now. 😬😬😬

acatcalledjohn · 01/08/2017 06:59

18 year olds are adults
No - they're still a teen, albeit one on the cusp of adulthood.

Yes, Heebie, they are adults. Stop denying the law of this country.

clarkl2 · 01/08/2017 08:38

Im not sure i would want a pregnant bridesmaid in my photos either, regardless of age

Lostinaseaofbubbles · 01/08/2017 08:39

Personally I think attending the ceremony and then leaving is more pointed than not attending at all.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 01/08/2017 08:39

Why Clark?

histinyhandsarefrozen · 01/08/2017 08:41

Is that what your wedding meant to you? Photos of everyone looking not pregnant?

Willow2017 · 01/08/2017 08:51

Why not Clark? Someone with a barely noticable slightly rounded stomach gonna spoil your whole day?

What if it was your good friend and they just got fat would that be the same?

pointythings · 01/08/2017 09:07

I am amazed by the number of shallow bridezillas on this thread. I would not have cared if any of my bridesmaids has been ready to pop - You choose bridesmaids because they are special enough to share a huge life event.