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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fuming with DSIS???

411 replies

K1092902 · 30/07/2017 00:55

DSIS is getting married end of August. I'm maid of honour and DSD2 is supposed to be one of three bridesmaids and DD a flower girl with DNiece.

DSIS is visiting from France tomorrow. They are staying for 3 weeks but we will only be seeing them tomorrow as we go to London on Monday and DM/DF and DSIS are going to Wales for a fortnight a long with future BIL and DNiece.

DSD2 is 18 and we have recently found out she is pregnant.

DM and has told DSIS over the phone sometime this week. I wasn't aware of this and was going to tell her in person when we see her tomorrow

She has now decided she doesn't want DSD being a bridesmaid as she doesn't want to be shown as condoning teenage pregnancy.

DM telephoned me upset 20 mins ago to say DSIS phoned earlier to tell her.

DM has now been put in a position and doesn't want us coming for dinner tomorrow as she knows we will argue.

I'm fuming. I'd be on the phone to her now but she will be driving to Calais to catch her ferry.

OP posts:
thishouseisashittip · 01/08/2017 09:08

Am I missing something here? Is there something ugly about a pregnant woman Clark?? I think pregnant women look lovely, it is a natural thing. What is offensive about one being in a wedding photo? That kind of thing wouldn't even cross my mind 🙁 totally can't fathom that statement.

kittybiscuits · 01/08/2017 09:16

I don't think there are a lot of these posters pointythings. In fact I think there may only be one TBH.

swampytiggaa · 01/08/2017 09:18

I understood that it was supposed to be good luck to have a pregnant bridesmaid 🙂 Presume it encourages fertility or something.

McTufty · 01/08/2017 09:19

Only thing I can think of with pregnant bridesmaids is them not fitting into the dress. This is a logistical difficulty, as I know from experience (I changed the dresses to maternity ones because I have my priorities straight, but I can see the potential issue).

But that doesn't even apply here as the DSD will barely even be showing so yeah, I'm totally confused about the issue too.

OP is your DSIS possibly lashing out because you didn't tell her?

cakeandteajustforme · 01/08/2017 09:44

OP, have you had a good chat with DF about it all?
He in particular has been placed in a tough spot. He has so far sided with you on the issue (which I think you're handling brilliantly btw), but what happens next month when he has to walk your sister down the aisle? If you choose not to go, he gets put in an odd situation of looking like he is condoning her choices by celebrating DSISs marriage with her.

I agree with a PP, this is really a very sad tale, and so shortsighted of DSIS. A wedding is for a day; family a lifetime. Looks like she's choosing her DHs over your own.

LancelotLink · 01/08/2017 09:48

You should all go to the wedding and when the 70% of guests ask why you are not MoH and DSD2 is not a bridesmaid you can tell them exactly why. Dsis won't be made to look bad by having a pregnant teenage bridesmaid, but she will when her guests can see what a nasty unfeeling cow she is.

Flowersinyourhair · 01/08/2017 09:51

I think that historically bridesmaids were unmarried and therefore, traditionally, not mothers or expectant mothers. Those saying they wouldn't want a pregnant bridesmaid are clinging on to that traditional view. However, as it's now 2017 I think we've moved on somewhat from sending away unmarried mothers, forcing adoptions and pretending it's not happened...

GlasgowPingu · 01/08/2017 10:19

I was sacked as a bridesmaid by my sister because I would have been pregnant - I was 34 and had been married for almost a year. Weddings seem to make some people do strange things (and it's not always just the people you would have expected it from either)

peekyboo · 01/08/2017 10:19

Sometimes it feels like you tripped and fell backwards into 1957. I didn't realise there were still so many starched knickers loose in the world.

mumto2two · 01/08/2017 10:45

My bridesmaid was 5 months pregnant at my wedding many years ago. She was 28 at the time and had been married a year...but I still remember there were a couple of daft superstitious comments!

Willow2017 · 01/08/2017 11:25

It's true bridesmaids were unmarried 'maids' back in the day but then the bride was a virgin too. That particular horse has bolted with DSIS😀

mykidsareMAD · 01/08/2017 11:42

I had DS1 at 18 years old.

My entire pregnancy all I got was endless grief, snide comments and rejection from my supposed "family".

My dad (upon finding out the news) got drunk and called me a 2-bob whore and went for me and DS1's dad.

My mum refused to let me stay in the house and although she thankfully didn't throw me onto the street, she did find me a little flat down the road and then visited me ONCE throughout the rest of the pregnancy. Out of sight, out of mind.

My birth family just pretended I didn't exist. Extended family members were plain nasty. I had phone calls and remarks made to me in the street about how I should abort or give the baby up for adoption as I'd be a shit mum and wouldn't cope. Told that the baby would end up in care. Overheard comments such as "that poor kid doesn't stand a chance" or "she's ruined now." Seriously!

I was also excluded from all family parties and celebrations. I still am to this day! The guy that nonced me and my sister when we were teens is still invited though, in fact he's top of the table!!! All cut from the same cloth.

In fact, my then 14 year old sister was the ONLY person that EVER wished me congratulations on my first pregnancy. A CHILD saw through all the shit that the stuck up adults couldn't and was just excited to meet her nephew - a baby is a thing of joy and she was the only person to remember that. Whilst I agree that teen pregnancy is not something to aspire to, I was technically an adult and me and my then partner were working so it wasn't like we were reliant on benefits either (another jab thrown my way).

My DS1 is 15 now and the light of my life! Lovely, funny, kind, tall and handsome and on course for top marks in his exams. I took to motherhood like a duck to water and he was a contented kid right from the word go. Maybe I got lucky or maybe I wasn't as shit as they all said?! Anyway, I'm NC with most of my family now and much happier for it. And DC's still have a wonderful auntie in my sis! Smile

OP you sound like a wonderful mum and your dad sounds great too. I'm sorry your Dsis has been so awful - my own aunt was one of the most abusive during my pregnancy and I've not forgotten it. So if your Dsis thinks she can just step back into her nieces life once baby has been born she might have to think again. This is rejection and shaming of your DSD2 on a huge scale and pretty unforgivable in my book. Maybe she'll regret it in years to come but it'll be too late by then.

One thing though: the possibility has been raised that maybe she's marrying a controlling man who is pulling the strings here. If true, it may be worth someone like your mum or dad keeping an eye on that so that your Dsis knows she has a place to seek support if things turn really bad in the future. I know your sis may not deserve the support after her lack of here, but more for the sake of her own DD (who, let's hope doesn't get knocked up at 18 also)!

Flowers for you and DSD2 - so glad you have each other...x

Cring · 01/08/2017 11:52

YANBU. Ludicrous.

Trb17 · 01/08/2017 12:10

Lovely post @mykidsareMAD. Well done you Smile

Newtothis2017 · 01/08/2017 12:25

MykidsareMAD you should absolutely lovely. As does your sister 💐

mykidsareMAD · 01/08/2017 13:32

Aaaah thanks! Blush My sis is a legend, truly!

I read OP's first thread and thought she sounded like an incredible woman under so much stress and feel awful that she and DSD have got this to contend with now as well. There are a lot of people out there with very callous attitudes to younger people having a tough time - it's so wrong. We should all be looking out for each other - especially the less life experienced! Really hope things turn around positively for all of them when the little one arrives...Flowers

supermoon100 · 01/08/2017 14:40

I don't think it's that shocking. Plenty of brides don't want pregnant brides maids. And you can't deny 18 is pretty young to be pregnant!

2017SoFarSoGood · 01/08/2017 15:52

Mykids what a lovely woman you are and thank you for sharing your story. Just beautiful. You and OP are amazing mums and such an example to us all.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/08/2017 16:30

Mykids - you and your sister sound lovely, but the rest of your family ShockAngry!! Still, their loss - I'd be proud to know you and your lovely boy. x

craftsy · 01/08/2017 16:56

Does the Dsis's DP normally try to cut her off from her family or is this new behavior from him? If it's ooc for him, is there any possibility whatsoever that he is the baby's father? And he wants your family distanced from your sister so she's less likely to find out. I know that sounds like crazy drama but something similar happened once with a couple I worked with.

user1493630944 · 01/08/2017 18:09

DSD is not only pregnant but facing single parenthood, as the earlier thread made clear the young man concerned had cleared off. So not only is she planning to bring a child into the world when she appears to have no means herself to support it, she is also bringing a child into the world who will not have a willing father. To be doing this at the start of her adult life instead of getting herself established with qualifications and some sort of career, jeopardising her chances of meeting someone else, looks like a very unwise decision. I'm aware this is an unpopular view on Mumsnet but this young woman is making a choice that is likely to have damaging effect on her own life. From a rational perspective there is no logical reason to make the decision she has made, it is based on emotion. I doubt if she will read the threads from the sad single mums who are struggling, but she needs to be aware that out in the real world there are many people who are not going to be supportive of her choice. DSis may be the first of many.

pointythings · 01/08/2017 18:48

user there are many young single mums who make a go of it, who work hard, get an education, get good jobs, meet partners later and go on to live happy lives. OP's DSD absolutely does have support - from her family. Having a termination is also a huge decision with implications. You can't say that one decision is always more rational than another, and let's face it, most people have some degree of emotion in their decision making.

There is also a big difference in pointing out the challenges of being a single mum and ditching a family member from a role in a wedding for the sake of appearances when you are very far from whiter than white yourself.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 01/08/2017 18:48

I think that's very true user but she likely believes babies are cute and that her dad and step mum will provide her with the finances and childcare so nothing much will change for her or that the state will provide.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 01/08/2017 19:00

I don't get the relevance of your post user.
I would be sad, annoyed with my d nieces if they chose to have a baby at 18. Would I chose to dump them from my wedding because I disagreed with their life choices? Fuck no. It takes a special controlling kind of moron to do that.

kittybiscuits · 01/08/2017 19:10

Gosh user, you sound familiar...Hmm

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