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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be absolutely furious that husband hasn't come home?

275 replies

Frogandbear · 28/07/2017 18:42

My husband has gone out today with people from work for lunch and been out socialising/drinking the rest of the afternoon. I had something I needed to do at 7pm, for which I needed him to be home. I text him at 6pm to ask why he hadn't left yet. He said he had forgotten that he needed to be home for 7pm but he would be back as soon as possible. So then it was 6:15pm and he still hadn;t left the bar. I text him again to ask why he hadn't left yet. Then it was 6:30pm and he STILL hadn't left. I phoned him and he eventually picked up. I asked him why he was still there, and he wasn't going to make it home in time considering that he had to walk to the station, get a 20 min train and drive home. He said that no one else had left yet and that he was finishing his drink - wtf??? Angry

He won't be home by 7pm now and I have had to cancel my activity Sad whilst he is out enjoying himself and I have been at home with the children all day. I am absolutely furious that he made no effort to get home in time and would do this to me. I told him that if he wasn't home by 7pm then he wouldn't be coming in. AIBU?

OP posts:
Namesarehard · 28/07/2017 23:34

Yanbu. But I just want to add, if my husband had been out drinking all day I wouldn't leave the kids with him regardless what time he got back.

PrincessFiorimonde · 28/07/2017 23:42

YANBU.

Best of luck, OP Flowers

WaspsAreBastards · 29/07/2017 00:03

Are you middle class?

WTF? I'm working class, does that have any bearing on how I should respond in a similar situation (which I have been in by the way).

DonaldStott · 29/07/2017 00:12

Working class here too still got my pinny on and rolling pin in hand Grin

DonaldStott · 29/07/2017 00:13

Oh and rollers in my hair with hairnet on a la hilda ogden

LoveDeathPrizes · 29/07/2017 00:34

If you had a standing arrangement and he's out a fair bit, the he's BU.

If he's having a rare work night out and you were like, "well I want to go to the gym," then YABU.

How far in advance did he know? Did you text him once he'd already started his social?

If he agreed to be home by 7 then fair enough. If he said something along the lines of 'I'll try to get back before then,' then it's muddier.

voldemortsnose · 29/07/2017 00:57

I'm probably wrong here, but to put another possibility, it sounds a little bit like he has to get your permission for everything. It would have been reasonable to say this is a big one, I'd like to stay late, but he knew you'd say no as you always do so he agreed to the time you asked him but he never really meant it that much and prefers to take the consequences rather than miss out. Does this ring a bell at all? I know a marriage just like this and whilst the husband's being a twat, he's doing it because his wife is kind of controlling and the rules he has to live with are a bit unreasonable. She would actually do herself a favour if she handled him differently, but she can't see it.

CoughLaughFart · 29/07/2017 01:32

I'm probably wrong here, but to put another possibility, it sounds a little bit like he has to get your permission for everything. It would have been reasonable to say this is a big one, I'd like to stay late, but he knew you'd say no as you always do so he agreed to the time you asked him but he never really meant it that much and prefers to take the consequences rather than miss out. Does this ring a bell at all?

Exactly the alarm bells that started ringing for me when the texts and calls every 15 minutes came up.

Shankarankalina · 29/07/2017 01:39

But it wasn't every 15 minutes, was it? Either he had left to get on the train to be home on time, or he hadn't. And he hadn't. How was the op to know either way? Stand in the hall with her coat on and keys in hand at 6.59 waiting? A normal person would text 'leaving now' or 'will be on the 6.20'. Which he didn't do.

CoughLaughFart · 29/07/2017 01:44

She rang at 6. She texted at 6.15. She rang again at 6.30.

I might not be Carol Vordeman, but that adds up to every 15 minutes for me.

Hudson10 · 29/07/2017 01:51

I totally get the whole thing "once you're out, you're out and you fancy staying out and having a few drinks."
If you have said though that you have a class on or whatever and he's said he'll be back, he should be back. Totally unfair not to.
If my DH pulled that I'd be pulling a swift get together with friends on the most inconvenient day to see how he liked it!!

mathanxiety · 29/07/2017 01:52

Forget the rolling pin. I would be tempted to greet him with the business end of a heavy frying pan when he eventually rolled home.

Hudson10 · 29/07/2017 01:57

good grief, the guy has stayed out a bit later than he should have and his wife has missed what she's supposed to be doing, whatever the hell it was, she hasnt said yet

On reading the OP again, I see that the OP hasn't mentioned why the DH needed to be there. I automatically presumed that she was a SAHM and didn't get many days/nights out. Who cares what it was she wanted to go do if that was the case? The point is she needs a little time to herself.

mamabike · 29/07/2017 01:59

My x used to do this. "I'll be back for ten promise" 12, no sign, won't answer his phone, 2 no sign, 3am no sign. Strolled in at 430am one time when I was 40 weeks pregnant!
This happened another 4 or maybe 5 times.
Or he went out at 12.30 one time, I was due in hospital for 4pm and said he would be back in time. Didn't see him until 1 the next day. Turns out he started drinking, had no phone signal and going out side to send a text was the last thing on his mind. Eventually I got fed up

Hudson10 · 29/07/2017 01:59

A normal person would text 'leaving now' or 'will be on the 6.20'. Which he didn't do.

Yep, this is it with me and DH. If I was on a train I'd say "just got on so and so train now, see you soon" and vice versa

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/07/2017 02:03

YANBU - I'd have responded to his last text with "Sure - stay out all fucking night and don't bother coming back".

I'm sure that wouldn't have been seen as helpful by some of the martyrs on here but fuck it, that's how I would have felt.

How DARE he presume that his social life is so much more important than yours, that he gets to CONTINUE, after 6 fucking HOURS of enjoying himself, while you have to cancel your activity? Fuck that for a game of soldiers, it's horribly disrespectful to you. Angry

Nousernameforme · 29/07/2017 07:02

Contacting every 15 mins after 6 would point to him having done this before. The op was anxious that he wouldnt do as he said so kept checking and was right to do so as he did let her down

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 29/07/2017 07:07

it sounds a little bit like he has to get your permission for everything

How the actual dick do you get that from the OP's posts? There's always a few people on threads like this, where the OP has to be blamed Angry.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 29/07/2017 07:07

*FUCK not dick!

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 29/07/2017 07:08

Although whoever blamed the OP, is a dick

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 29/07/2017 07:30

I would never promise to be back at a certain time if I was drinking, and neither would my DH. I would have got a babysitter.

Tamatoa · 29/07/2017 07:39

I see the 'cool wives' are here to pour derision on any wife who doesn't just let her man child husband treat her like default parent.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 29/07/2017 07:43

Where are these "cool wives" (horrible, sexist term)?

Tamatoa · 29/07/2017 07:44

How so computer?

Saysomething88 · 29/07/2017 07:46

Maybe OP needed to keep asking as her activity started at 7. So would need time herself to get there. Her OH wasn't communicating with her about leaving so She had to keep asking as it would take a while for him to get home.
Also maybe her OH has form for this so OP was panicking and had to keep checking in on his whereabouts.
He's being a dick OP. YANBU