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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be absolutely furious that husband hasn't come home?

275 replies

Frogandbear · 28/07/2017 18:42

My husband has gone out today with people from work for lunch and been out socialising/drinking the rest of the afternoon. I had something I needed to do at 7pm, for which I needed him to be home. I text him at 6pm to ask why he hadn't left yet. He said he had forgotten that he needed to be home for 7pm but he would be back as soon as possible. So then it was 6:15pm and he still hadn;t left the bar. I text him again to ask why he hadn't left yet. Then it was 6:30pm and he STILL hadn't left. I phoned him and he eventually picked up. I asked him why he was still there, and he wasn't going to make it home in time considering that he had to walk to the station, get a 20 min train and drive home. He said that no one else had left yet and that he was finishing his drink - wtf??? Angry

He won't be home by 7pm now and I have had to cancel my activity Sad whilst he is out enjoying himself and I have been at home with the children all day. I am absolutely furious that he made no effort to get home in time and would do this to me. I told him that if he wasn't home by 7pm then he wouldn't be coming in. AIBU?

OP posts:
BzyB · 28/07/2017 21:08

Hope the radio silence is because you've managed to get out to your event and having a great time OP.
Sorry he was a jerk :(

BlessYourCottonSocks · 28/07/2017 21:09

I'd be absolutely fuming if I'd looked after kids all day and was expecting to go out to something that evening. He was basically 'on duty' at 7.00pm - looking after his own kids - and he knew it. You don't get to just not fucking turn up because you're having a good time somewhere else. Imagine if you failed to turn up to your shift at work and expected a co-worker to keep on going, rather than leaving work on time; particularly if they had plans for the evening. Why the fuck should they be covering your shift as well? Because that's effectively what he's done here. And I wouldn't expect to have to 'explain' to him why I was so annoyed. I wouldn't be married to someone who was so thick they couldn't understand it without an explanation.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 28/07/2017 21:12

Oh wow, so much anger and vitriol. I don't think it's possible to have a view on the situation without more context, which the OP is obviously not providing. Otherwise we're just projecting our own experiences onto this.

For example I cannot imagine leaving someone or locking them out of their home etc because they stayed out late drinking with work colleagues. I've definitely done this : promised DH I'd meet him at 8pm, got caught up with work gossip and drinking and our typical 6pm end being pushed back because a few people had more energy and wanted to stay out later. I've let him know and cancelled our plans. It happens sometimes, you're having a good time and there's booze involved and you get carried away. It's not ideal but you apologise to your partner and carry on.

(I'm not saying it's perfect behaviour, just saying it's human).

BUT if he never took on childcare and this was your one night to go out in a month and he does this every Friday or it's your best friend's birthday or something like that then sure I'd be quite upset.

But without knowing how frequently each partner goes out and how rarely or frequently OP has to cancel her plans to accommodate husband, HOW can so many people be suggesting she LEAVE him FGS????

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 28/07/2017 21:13

It's the inconsideration isn't it, and he had the utter cheak to AKs if ot was ok if he stayed later. I'd be absolutely fuming, it's a really cunty thing to do.

Does he do other cunty things OP?

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 28/07/2017 21:14

Excuse typos Hmm

Arcadia · 28/07/2017 21:17

I totally agree with Zaphod it depends what he is like usually. My partner is a bit anti social and a homebody so I probably would be pleased that he was having such a good time

ZaphodBeeblerox · 28/07/2017 21:18

No mulledwine you're right it's what any parent has to do, but I think my view of this situation totally depends on whether this is a once a year occurrence or a weekly occurrence iyswim.

The husband isn't abandoning them uncared for in a nursery. It's not right that he thinks his drinks are more important than her appt, BUT WE HAVE NO CONTEXT ON WHAT THE OPs appt was!

It could be a long arranged catch-up with a dear friend and he may have work drinks twice a month. = he is a wanker

It could be her weekly yoga class and his once a year big work summer drinks!

All I'm saying is that it's not LTB territory in my opinion.

Or I guess I'm saying I should be so lucky that my DH doesn't react like this when I am occasionally a jerk about plans. Mistakes happen, I mean well I'm probably just overambitious about everything I can do in an evening, and I apologise.. also this has happened maybe 2-3 times in 5 years and there are no kids in our situation. But I just feel it's a bit harsh the way many posters are reacting on here.

Arcadia · 28/07/2017 21:19

Saying the marriage would be over does seem ridiculous. If everyone followed advice on MN there would be no couples still together.

diddl · 28/07/2017 21:22

Why is more context necessary?

Op was due to go out, phoned her husband who had forgotten & then decided that he was happy where he was so Op wouldn't be going out.

UnicornSparkles1 · 28/07/2017 21:25

LTB.

Just kidding. But I am sorry that he's spoilt your evening by being selfish. I'd be furious.

steff13 · 28/07/2017 21:31

He's a dick and I'd be furious. I have a question, though. The OP says this:

So then it was 6:15pm and he still hadn;t left the bar. I text him again to ask why he hadn't left yet.

So, you knew had hadn't left the bar at 615 before you texted him? Does he have some sort of tracking device attached to him?

ZaphodBeeblerox · 28/07/2017 21:33

No more context is required to say the DH is in the wrong diddl

But surely more context is needed before one advises the OP to lock him out the house, call a solicitor and/or get divorced???

Sorry if I'm being naive but all the people advising her to LTB, would you really leave your partners over this? I mean, I fuck up sometimes, my DH fucks up sometimes, we apologise, we move on. Sometimes I even make the same mistake again! But surely context and intent matter too? Anyway, I don't think I'm adding any value to the thread and OP is hopefully having a proper chat with her husband or has managed to get to her appointment after all. So I'll bow out now.

SwissChristmasMuseum · 28/07/2017 21:33

Zaphod, how often would you expect to be able to do that and things at home to remain ok?

TodaysUser · 28/07/2017 21:33

Why don't you try seeing things from his POV? Just let him have his time now. Little nice things add up.

PearlyPinkNails · 28/07/2017 21:35

Ignore the goady troll.

There's idiots everywhere nowadays.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 28/07/2017 21:35

YANBU.,I'd be fuming at the lack of respect. My response to that whiney, childs message would have been "do whatever the fuck you like since you have already screwed my evening."

Branleuse · 28/07/2017 21:38

depends on how often he does this, and the significance of what you had to cancel.
Its one thing if you had to cancel going to the gym, but another thing if you had a planned night out yourself and had to let people down

SwissChristmasMuseum · 28/07/2017 21:38

For goodness sake, of course Zaphod is right!! And all these LTB etc. posters - are you bloody perfect? Have you no faults which have an effect on the relationship?

PlymouthMaid1 · 28/07/2017 21:42

He is a disrespectful shit. No more context needed as he had agreed to be back by seven and let her down.

diddl · 28/07/2017 21:44

"But surely more context is needed before one advises the OP to lock him out the house, call a solicitor and/or get divorced??? "

Maybe.

But Op didn't ask for advice so she's probably taking no notice.

MellyPapa · 28/07/2017 21:47

Doing a long shit? Haha

Crunchymum · 28/07/2017 21:47

So he still isn't home? Fucker

SnarkOfTheThunderPants · 28/07/2017 21:52

Who is accused of being a troll.
Fwiw I agree with Zaphod. I would be pissed off if I was you op, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker. I have been an arse to my DP and he forgave me because he loves me. Same with him. No one is perfect, we all fuck up sometimes and while it is perfectly understandable to be cross, it is a bit out there to lock him out for his own home.

LexieLulu · 28/07/2017 21:54

What time did he get home OP?

TenForward82 · 28/07/2017 21:54

TodaysUser is the obvious troll.