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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be absolutely furious that husband hasn't come home?

275 replies

Frogandbear · 28/07/2017 18:42

My husband has gone out today with people from work for lunch and been out socialising/drinking the rest of the afternoon. I had something I needed to do at 7pm, for which I needed him to be home. I text him at 6pm to ask why he hadn't left yet. He said he had forgotten that he needed to be home for 7pm but he would be back as soon as possible. So then it was 6:15pm and he still hadn;t left the bar. I text him again to ask why he hadn't left yet. Then it was 6:30pm and he STILL hadn't left. I phoned him and he eventually picked up. I asked him why he was still there, and he wasn't going to make it home in time considering that he had to walk to the station, get a 20 min train and drive home. He said that no one else had left yet and that he was finishing his drink - wtf??? Angry

He won't be home by 7pm now and I have had to cancel my activity Sad whilst he is out enjoying himself and I have been at home with the children all day. I am absolutely furious that he made no effort to get home in time and would do this to me. I told him that if he wasn't home by 7pm then he wouldn't be coming in. AIBU?

OP posts:
qazxc · 29/07/2017 07:50

Yanbu, he said he'd be back and has left you in the lurch.
I don't think it matters what the op plans were. I go to a crochet and knitting meeting once a fortnight, if dp was going out I'd have expected him to either be back when he said he would or have told me in advance so I could make arrangements (find a sitter or cancel). It might seem a unimportant activity to some people but to me it's the only time I can relax and chat without a toddler in tow.

DirtyChaiLatte · 29/07/2017 07:51

Considering his returning home was prearranged for 7pm, by behaving the way he has he's clearly prioritised himself over her.

He's an inconsiderate and selfish prick.

TestTubeTeen · 29/07/2017 07:52

OP; YANBU. There was an arrangement, which he had agreed to, he broke it, you had to cancel your night out.

I hope he is apologetic.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 29/07/2017 07:55

Because it's a sneering insult levied at women when they don't conform to a particular set of behaviours. It always makes me wince.

BorisTrumpsHair · 29/07/2017 07:56

Cool wives is an extension of cool girls as described in the book/film Gone Girl:

www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/13306276-gone-girl

www.google.co.uk/amp/m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_5873d393e4b0a5e600a78d4e/amp

Tamatoa · 29/07/2017 08:05

But computer....the ones conforming to a set of behaviours are the cool wives!? boris has summed it up in her links perfectly.

StealthPolarBear · 29/07/2017 08:10

Has the op been back?

Crunchymum · 29/07/2017 08:11

Course not Stealth

whiteroseredrose · 29/07/2017 08:26

We still don't know if the OP's 7pm plans were for a big event or a weekly Pilates class. Nor if her DH's going out is regular rare. That makes a huge difference IMO.

What's worrying is that he feels like he needs permission she's not his mum.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 29/07/2017 08:26

I know where the expression comes from, and I have understand it to a point, but it's often misused to marginalise women in a way I find incredibly sexist. Anybody who's been or seen a girl wrongly accused of being into something "because she's desperate for boys to like her" might see that.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 29/07/2017 08:27

Sorry for the thread derail.

Imbeingunreasonable · 29/07/2017 08:34

Maybe OP needed to keep asking as her activity started at 7. So would need time herself to get there. Her OH wasn't communicating with her about leaving so She had to keep asking as it would take a while for him to get home

Thanks saysomething this was the point I was trying to make earlier. They both had journey times to take into account.

I'm sorry cough but I don't think op ringing her husband are alarm bells signifying anything other than she needs to get going and her husband needs to be leaving the pub.

What are you inferring the op is trying to do to her dh by texting and ringing him to make sure he's left?

Artisanjam · 29/07/2017 08:37

He doesn't need permission. He's asking for it to make him feel just a bit less of a total arsehole for getting pissed and preventing his DW going to her own commitment.

He wants her to be mummy and say it's all okay.

troodiedoo · 29/07/2017 08:59

Asking for the full facts doesn't make people 'cool girls', a silly term coined by a fictional deranged psychopath.

Doesn't look like OP is coming back, so a bun fight will likely ensue.

Tamatoa · 29/07/2017 08:59

Yes computer, I know what you mean. I just googled nerd girl to find a picture which demonstrates your point, but got depressed at all the nasty memes about fake girl nerds. 😞

llangennith · 29/07/2017 09:02

OP will know to book a sitter next time her DH is going for a boozy lunch. Whatever the moral right and wrong, realistically he was never going to be home in time was he?

SpiritedLondon · 29/07/2017 09:03

I wish there was some alert system to advise you that the OPs disappeared.....I've read all that and still don't know what time the DH rolled in or the activity she missed.

CoughLaughFart · 29/07/2017 09:15

What are you inferring the op is trying to do to her dh by texting and ringing him to make sure he's left?

I might well be wrong - as others have said, perhaps this is a regular occurrence so she feels she has to keep pushing. But to me it seemed like a deliberate attempt to rub it in that he'd forgotten - an 'obviously you're too useless to have remembered 15 minutes later' call.

AdalindSchade · 29/07/2017 09:20

I think you were both being slightly unreasonable if you thought it would be possible to leave a boozy work lunch on a Friday at 6 on the dot

Last year my work Christmas do started at lunchtime and went on late into the night. I didn't drink, left at 5 and collected my child. Getting pissed and drinking all afternoon and night is a privilege of the child/responsibility free. When you have a family commitment you choose not to get pissed. It's not rocket science.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 29/07/2017 09:56

Are you ok Frog?

PearlyPinkNails · 29/07/2017 09:57

What time did he roll in OP?

Hope you have a nice day today anyway Brew

GypsyQueen · 29/07/2017 17:55

Yanbu, I have been waiting all day for my boyfriend to come and take his seven month old Rottweiller for a walk/drive to the park. Its a dog he wanted knowing I have my own dog already, she is a beautiful dog and I have bonded with her now as I knew I would. Thing is I have to take them separate walks as they are terrible to walk together and getting too strong as she grows more each day. Why didn't he just tell me hours ago that he want coming so I knew what was happening. It's the waiting that sends people over the edge.

Meandmyhamsterheadagain · 29/07/2017 18:14

My hubby had a similar habit, but I find letting them crack on and then being on daddy duty with a monster hangover punishment enough. I find by the end of the next day he wants to talk about it. If only to get me to be sympathetic towards the hangover lol I think you would be a bit off to lock him out. But perhaps make it clear you are not impressed and he's to be stealth when he comes in and settles on the sofa!

pollymere · 29/07/2017 19:41

I'd be livid. However, if he's been drinking all afternoon he wouldn't be in a fit state to be responsible for his kids anyway so this wasn't going to happen way before the first text. I think he owes you big time. And I agree that if he does this a lot, he seriously needs to examine his priorities.

ChristmasFluff · 29/07/2017 20:51

It doesn't matter what the OPs plans were once DH had agreed to fit in with them. Personally I would have stopped communication once he missed the time he needed to be home. And I would want an apology and a demonstration of changed attitude before I'd be sure the relationship was worth saving. Seriously. Most of Mumsnet is made up of complete doormats who spend their time moaning about how people treat them like doormats, whilst they refuse to get up off the floor in front of the door.