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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be absolutely furious that husband hasn't come home?

275 replies

Frogandbear · 28/07/2017 18:42

My husband has gone out today with people from work for lunch and been out socialising/drinking the rest of the afternoon. I had something I needed to do at 7pm, for which I needed him to be home. I text him at 6pm to ask why he hadn't left yet. He said he had forgotten that he needed to be home for 7pm but he would be back as soon as possible. So then it was 6:15pm and he still hadn;t left the bar. I text him again to ask why he hadn't left yet. Then it was 6:30pm and he STILL hadn't left. I phoned him and he eventually picked up. I asked him why he was still there, and he wasn't going to make it home in time considering that he had to walk to the station, get a 20 min train and drive home. He said that no one else had left yet and that he was finishing his drink - wtf??? Angry

He won't be home by 7pm now and I have had to cancel my activity Sad whilst he is out enjoying himself and I have been at home with the children all day. I am absolutely furious that he made no effort to get home in time and would do this to me. I told him that if he wasn't home by 7pm then he wouldn't be coming in. AIBU?

OP posts:
Serialweightwatcher · 28/07/2017 19:29

If he's been drinking for hours, he's probably had far too much to remember/care about times - he'll have a lot of making up to do when he sobers up ... silly man

LavenderDoll · 28/07/2017 19:29

What was the activity ?
Is this a regular occurrence

Muddlingalongalone · 28/07/2017 19:29

Yanbu - I would reply but I would be very clear that I wasn't taking responsibility for his choices for him and reiterate how pissed off I was that I'd had to cancel my activity because he was a selfish arsehole

troodiedoo · 28/07/2017 19:29

Did you miss the part where she text him at 6pm to see if he'd left?

No I meant before he left to go out.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/07/2017 19:30

Manipulative, controlling, no respect, lock him out, an all men statement, give him hell, make him look after the kids.

I am on my way to mumsnet bingo

IdentifiesAsYoda · 28/07/2017 19:31

My DH used to do this shit when mine were small and then send texts basically talking to me as if I was his mum

He stopped. Thank God

TheAntiBoop · 28/07/2017 19:31

I had a big argument with Dh about being default parent. I was fed up of him just going out after work because the assumption was I would be home to look after the kids. Yet when I wanted to go out it all has to be arranged in advance and he has to check his diary blah blah

He hadn't really thought of the impact it had on me and he is now much better.

Your Dh has been really disrespectful to you

Bearberry · 28/07/2017 19:32

YANBU.

My ex used to do shit like this all the time, I remember exactly how it felt and how angry it would make me. Fortunately I didn't have any kids at the time/ or with him. I call it a near miss as I sometimes think now I do have DD how difficult it would have been to parent with him.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 28/07/2017 19:32

... I'm guessing by the fact that rather than just texting to remind him he agreed 7pm, but sending several texts, that you've been pressed into this dynamic for a while?

IdentifiesAsYoda · 28/07/2017 19:34

TheAntiBoop

Yes, that's what it is. It's a trap that's easy to fall into if you are a SAHM. Just when you really need to get away from the kids

ssd · 28/07/2017 19:34

good grief, the guy has stayed out a bit later than he should have and his wife has missed what she's supposed to be doing, whatever the hell it was, she hasnt said yet.

I'd be well pissed off with him too and let him know, but all this "tell him not to come home" bollocks...where is he supposed to go?

and no one knows the back story...as ever on mn....

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 28/07/2017 19:36

My take on this, based on your OP, is that he never had any real intention of being home in time for you to go out for your activity at 7. "He said he had forgotten that he needed to be home for 7pm" - bollocks. Of course he hadnt.

Basically he put his social needs ahead of your's. It doesnt matter if this is a regular activity of yours. In fact that would make it even worse - because how he could "forget" every Friday night needing to be home for 7pm.

I am afraid this is male privilege kicking in again (thinking about a fantastic recent thread on here). He knows that because you are looking after the children you cant go out. If you, by some chance, managed to arrange last minute babysitting then he would be feeling that he was in the clear.

I am sick, on here and in real life, of reading about men who just do not accept that women/mothers should have equal rights. I am so angry on your behalf. There is often a phrase quoted on here: "when they show who they are, believe them". This man does not genuinely believe that you are his equal.

I used to socialise in the City at lunchtimes in the 80's. If I needed to be somewhere at a certain time I always was regardless of what I had drunk. It is a total excuse.

Lukeandlorelai4Ever · 28/07/2017 19:37

Yanbu

Slimthistime · 28/07/2017 19:37

ssd "I'd be well pissed off with him too and let him know, but all this "tell him not to come home" bollocks...where is he supposed to go?"

well he could stay with someone for whom he has respect. Or maybe he doesn't respect his friends either, I don't know.

BabsGanoush · 28/07/2017 19:38

Presumably he knew he was going drinking (and therefore out late) so he could have arranged a babysitter for you and you could have still made your engagement.

Twat, make he suffer all weekend and come on here and tell us, and we'll support your crusade.

Charley50 · 28/07/2017 19:39

I agree that a bit more context I'd needed. If the OP goes to the gym 3 times a week and is missing one session, and her DH very rarely goes out for Friday night drinks, then it's not such a big deal. Context please OP!

inniu · 28/07/2017 19:39

My DH tried something like that once when are eldest was small. I told him I was dropping the baby in to him and going ahead with my plans.

He was home very quickly.

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 28/07/2017 19:39

I think it depends on your relationship, my dh never goes out and works incredibly hard, so for him to do this, it would mean he needed some down time.

So for me I'd have arrange alternative childcare if I could have and if not I'd have cancelled my event, as nothing we do on an evening couldn't have been rearranged.

However that's my relationship and without knowing yours I can't say if he was being UR or not.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 28/07/2017 19:41

I actually was talking with my DH about this recently. It's all very much in the past (over a decade ago) and we were doing a sort of Relationship Review. I was remembering how angry it made me and how unfair it was - which he acknowledged
You are right ssd; we don't know the details of this particular case, but I would bet that even if it's the first time, the OP has never done it to her DH.

TicketyBoo83 · 28/07/2017 19:41

I can't even pretend I'd be mature if my DH pulled this crap. I'd certainly be replying to his message and telling him to find somewhere else to sleep tonight.

araiwa · 28/07/2017 19:41

I wont support a crusade of petty revenge and suffering.

Two wrongs dont make a right and being a twat over someones minor mistake just leads to bigger and bigger problems in the future.

Why not deal with it all in a mature responsible manner so that things are better for both in the future?

Squarerouteofsquirrel · 28/07/2017 19:41

I'd be interested to know if it's a one off and the blokes just had a few too many after work, or he pulls this kind of thing on a regular basis.

The first is hardly a hanging offence, if it means you've just missed your weekly yoga class. If he regularly lets you down in this way, then that's completely different.

Funny how people are telling you to leave him on the basis of such little info.

oldlaundbooth · 28/07/2017 19:41

YANBU.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 28/07/2017 19:42

Haud

I think what got me (and I suspect, the OP) is the lack of direct communication

mumof06darlings · 28/07/2017 19:43

TBH if he did make it home for 7, I wouldn't feel comfortable letting someone who has been drinking since lunch time mind my kids.

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