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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD has changed her name, AIBU to feel rejected

355 replies

fabyoulouse · 28/07/2017 17:58

DD has never liked her name so it shouldn't come as a surprise really. She used to get really upset whenever someone pronounced it incorrectly, which happens a lot, and people don't always pay any attention when she corrects them.

She also claims it makes her "stand out" and she just wants to "blend in". So she is off to sixth form college in September and thinks now is a good time. She has her father's support so they have filled in a form online and she's paid for it herself.

I can't help but feel rejected. Perhaps because I chose her name and so she's always aimed any anger about it towards me.

OP posts:
InvisableLobstee · 28/07/2017 18:46

I would have a little talk with her and say you did really like the name and why, when you named her, but you can see her reasons for wanting the change and you would like to respect that. Why not get her a little gift with the new name on it. It's a good opportunity to have a talk with her and really listen to her feelings. I'm sure she will appreciate that.

Original poster
fabyoulouse · 28/07/2017 18:47

That's a good idea, thanks.

OP posts:
pointythings · 28/07/2017 18:47

This resonated with me because my DD2 is going to do this when she turns 16, and she is planning to enter 6th form under her new name. I will be paying for it, because to me this is about her growing up an developing her own identity. Her chosen name is an abbreviation of her full first name and we have all called her by it for years, to the point where the original name just isn't 'her' any more.

I'm glad you're starting to feel a bit less hurt by it all. And i'm sure your DD does like you and love you - she's 16, life is tough and right now she's attached to her dad but she will come back to you.

LogicalPsycho · 28/07/2017 18:48

I can't help thinking the name is still relevant.

A Welsh-named teenage girl in England whose argument of 'wanting to blend in' at college could be called Bronwen or Jenna, and I might see your point OP.

But she could equally be called Argylwyddes.

Slimthistime · 28/07/2017 18:48

Poverty "And that it reflected her heritage"

that's one of the conversations I had with my mum. It reflects her heritage, not mine. But that still seems to be one reason that she was upset by the thought of me changing it, even though my surname will remain the same, so if she wants something to denote her heritage, it is there.

then again, I suppose you don't go up to people and introduce yourself as "Ms Smith" so that might be part of it.

Serialweightwatcher · 28/07/2017 18:49

Did she not like her first name either? May have been easier to just use that considering it's her proper name .... I'm sure she hasn't done it to disrespect you and I'm sure she loves you, but she's obviously young and she may have a change of heart one day. At least the "middle" name which is the name you called her by still stands

Original poster
fabyoulouse · 28/07/2017 18:49

Her first name is actually Bronwen and she hates it!

OP posts:
choli · 28/07/2017 18:49

I suspect we will see a lot of posts like this as the current generation suffering from "unique" names with "creative" spellings hits adulthood.

deckoff · 28/07/2017 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MikeUniformMike · 28/07/2017 18:50

I've been slated in Baby names for suggesting that names from another language are best avoided. What you say and what people hear are not the same. It must be awful to have your name mispronounced.
I know a Siobhan who gets called Shivonne no matter how many times she says it's Siobhan. Unfortunately, if your name is unusual people will often start calling you something else and they won't pick a pretty name. So if you called your baby DD Clytemnestra and people don't remember it properly they won't think of Claire/Clarrissa/Chloe type names but they'll choose Chlamydia or Clitoris.

Middle name used as known by name is quite common in Wales.

BonnieF · 28/07/2017 18:51

Your daughter sounds like a sensible, young woman with a strong character who knows her own mind.

She'll go far. You should be proud of her.

MikeUniformMike · 28/07/2017 18:52

Oh, but Bronwen is lovely! I dislike the Bronwyn spelling and the Bromwin pronunciation though.

Scaredycat3000 · 28/07/2017 18:54

My DF never forgave his DM to the day she died for his first and second names, our surname is fucking awful as well, but she didn't chose that. I think the worst part for him was his 5 siblings got absolutely standard names. We always told him he should have just told everybody his name was 'Bob' when he moved towns at 18. So obviously I think your DD's plan sounds great. My surname is so annoying, people really don't listen, I now refuse to tell people my surname if they need to write it down, I spell it, only way to get it probably right. Your DD is probably only this angry because she's a teenager, that will mellow with time, but the frustration will remain. Then you didn't support her, I'm glad you are now. My BIL nearly got sectioned, we took him back to the IL's so he could get sectioned near them. The NHS couldn't find his notes because MIL failed to give his known name, only a shortening of his given name, because that wasn't the name she gave him! He finally got sectioned 2 months later after much mayhem and took years to recover. Ironically MIL uses her middle name. Now onto my DS's names, OH is Welsh, IWBU to insist on a name that would work in England according to OH. DC1 got away lightly, DC2 I fought OK, but second names are both classic English names with a thought to them having a choice to use it if they want. They have to live with it, I know how frustrating a crap* second name is, that can't be a patch on it being your first name, it's up to them.

  • By crap I mean one that causes loads of problems, there are many gorgeous Welsh names, once I could pronounce them.
deckoff · 28/07/2017 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoppyTree · 28/07/2017 18:55

I honestly wouldn't care. If my daughter changed her name I would be surprised, as it's a very pretty (but still 'normal' name,) Think Lauren, Hannah, Emily, that sort of name. Smile

I do have to say also, that I have known AT LEAST a dozen people who used their middle name OR a 'pen-name.'

Eg, I discovered my auntie Joyce's real name was Mildred, when I was about 18, and Joyce was her middle name.

My BFF in my childhood/teens has a dad called John and I found out his real name was Joseph when he died (I was 23 by then!)

My husband's brother is called Peter but has called himself Steven since he was about 8! (Found this out about 6 months into dating DH.)

I found out my grandad's brother Fred was actually called Percy when I was about 12! Fred didn't even feature in his name at all! He just decided that was his name when he was 10!

And my DH's nana was always known as Penny, even though her name was Prudence, (because she hated the name Prudence, and said it sounded like the name of a cow!)

There are many more!

As a few people have said, your daughter may even change her name back eventually.

There are worse things she could do!

Bronwen is a nice name by the way! I can understand a teen not liking it though.

Okite · 28/07/2017 18:55

Please support her in this and don't take it personally. I hate my name, really hate it. I hate introducing myself because it feels so odd to say my name in relation to me. I have no connection to it at all.

And yet, there's nothing wrong with the name, it's perfectly fine and normal and often gets suggested as a lovely classic name on here. It's just not me. I feel I've missed my chance to change it though, I'm now in my 40s and when I was younger it was never an option because I knew it's upset my mum so much as she chose it.
Because of this, although of course I dearly love the names I gave my children, I'd always support them if they wanted to change them.

PotatoesAreDelicious · 28/07/2017 18:56

I changed my name legally because I never felt like the one I was given was mine. I started changing my name when I was 6 to all manner of things, like trying on clothes.

My parents understood though, they hardly ever called me by the name they gave me at birth, just used a nickname which was nothing like my birth name.

When it was changed (uni because I went up to the sixth form attached to my school so everyone knew me) my parents called me by the new name as did my siblings.

My parents didn't see it as any kind of rejection of them, just of a name I never used for myself.

I find it interesting that you gave her a first name and then called her by her second name. Almost as if you rejected the first name yourself.

user1468353179 · 28/07/2017 18:57

We live in Wales and some of the names are beautiful, think Ffion or Rhiannon etc. Some others sound like you've got a mouthful of phlegm. If she's never liked it, let her change it and get on with life.

PoppyTree · 28/07/2017 18:57

@Scaredeycat3000

i really want to know what your husband's name is now! Blush

Scaredycat3000 · 28/07/2017 18:59

I love Invisable's idea of getting a little gift with her name on it, maybe some stationary for september. Would really cement your support maybe,

VestalVirgin · 28/07/2017 19:00

The name looks lovely in writing, but there might be problems with the pronounciation I'm not aware of.

Anyway, it is she who has to introduce herself with the name. Support her.

All parents have to make name decisions without the consent of their children, so she should't be angry at you. (After all, if you had named her Anne, she might be angry because the name is too normal!)
But likewise, you should acknowledge that she wasn't asked and therefore has a right to change it now.

MrsJayy · 28/07/2017 19:02

You know you are allowed to be upset about this you spent time and thought into her given name I think I would be a bit put out too. You just need to get used to her chosen name but it really isn't a rejection of you but its such a shame she felt so strongly about it, for you Flowers

Scaredycat3000 · 28/07/2017 19:02

It's my DF's name, even my surname would out me, I've never heard my DF's name used as a first name so no, not outing my family! OH on the other hand has one of the most common first names of the last 50 years and one of the most common surnames, no concept of what living with an unusual name is like.

MagdalenNoName · 28/07/2017 19:03

I changed my name when I was in my early twenties. My parents both threw a hissy fit and refused to use my new name. To the end of his life my father called me by the old one - his view was that I had no right to make this change - and my mother still does.

Looking back I can see it can be a hard adjustment for a parent to make. But their reactions to my decision essentially destroyed any residue of affection that I had for them.

I stayed in touch and also made sure that they got to see their grandchildren from time to time. But on an underlying level that was that.

sonlypuppyfat · 28/07/2017 19:03

My kids have proper Welsh names and we live in England, I hope they like them