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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD has changed her name, AIBU to feel rejected

355 replies

fabyoulouse · 28/07/2017 17:58

DD has never liked her name so it shouldn't come as a surprise really. She used to get really upset whenever someone pronounced it incorrectly, which happens a lot, and people don't always pay any attention when she corrects them.

She also claims it makes her "stand out" and she just wants to "blend in". So she is off to sixth form college in September and thinks now is a good time. She has her father's support so they have filled in a form online and she's paid for it herself.

I can't help but feel rejected. Perhaps because I chose her name and so she's always aimed any anger about it towards me.

OP posts:
Flyinggeese · 28/07/2017 18:32

Everyone asking what the name is is being nosey that's all. There is absolutely no other reason for them to want to know!

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/07/2017 18:33

I dont understand why you gave her the unusual Welsh name and then called her by her middle name, that seems very odd!

As for changing her first name, I would be hurt too. I think it would be the implication that you somehow did it to piss her off. We spend months choosing names for our kids so we dont make a mistake, none of us want our kids to be ashamed of their names. All you can is say that you gave her that name with love and that while you respect her right to change it, she doesnt have the right to be nasty to you about it.

As an aside, I cant help wondering if there will be soon be a whole generation of Janes and Johns who have changed from their made up birth names (La -a anyone?!) a la Duncan Jones aka Zowie Bowie.

LoniceraJaponica · 28/07/2017 18:33

I have a very unusual name which I hated for a long time. I don't mind it now, but when you are young and unsure of yourself, and don't want to be "different" an unusual name can be a bit of a pain. So I can sympathise with your daughter.

"She used to get really upset whenever someone pronounced it incorrectly, which happens a lot, and people don't always pay any attention when she corrects them."

If you read some of the baby name threads on here this is a brilliant example why naming a baby with a name that is either unpronounceable or has more than one pronunciation can be a bad idea.

When I told DD the other names that we had on our shortlist when I was expecting her she complained that I didn't choose another name that she particularly likes, and said that she doesn't really care for her name. Am I hurt? No.

Groupie123 · 28/07/2017 18:33

She sounds like a girl with very little self-esteem. Plenty of UK born Indian people have horrible names (growing up I knew a Pervet, Shitarth, and Pissanth) but nobody would go to change it. You'd just use a nickname. There is more to this. Are you and her dad separated? Could this be an actual rejection of you?

AccrualIntentions · 28/07/2017 18:34

She's not rejecting you, she just doesn't like her name.

Original poster
fabyoulouse · 28/07/2017 18:35

Pyong no - the unusual Welsh name she hates is her "middle name" but we've always called her that.

No, dad and I are still together. Sometimes I do feel she doesn't like me much.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 28/07/2017 18:36

I don't really like my name because of the derogatory way my mother would address me. And still does some of the time now. I don't like I was labelled by this woman and still am. Had I known about being able to change my name when I was younger I most probably would have. I'm sure she'd either have refused to use it or used the same nasty tone with my new name. So I suppose it would have defeated the object. Now that is a rejection of my mother. Your dd is not rejecting you. She is asserting who she is by creating an identity she is comfortable with.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 28/07/2017 18:37

I got landed with an at the time very unfashionable and 'stand out' name, which was never used by my family who liked the short version of it and only ever used that. I'm fine with the short version which is much more normal, that's 'my' name to me, but I went through years of school being called by a name I couldn't relate to, that wasn't me, and it's not pleasant. It messes with your sense of identity. Five decades later I still hate that it has to go on official documents and forms.

(Although I was lucky. Had df not put his foot down, it was apparently going to be Ngaio.)

There's been a few threads lately where parents are worried about potential shortening of their child's name that they don't like or that their child has adopted a nickname or different version of their name and left the original behind. That long thought about, carefully planned and perfect name belongs to the parent only for a very short time. It then belongs to the child and the parent loses all control over it.

I wish I'd had the guts at 18 to do what your dd has done. I didn't change anything on paper but have never been called by that name again.

dementiawidow · 28/07/2017 18:37

I did this. Had a horrible boring name middle name. Jane. Never sat well with me. For my 50th birthday present to myself I changed it to another name starting with J, that I feel suits me. I am happy with this identity. I didn't tell my mother, because I knew she would react just like you. If an adult feels their name does not reflect their true self, I think it is great to have the courage, conviction and self-understanding to choose something that does. Well done to your DD. Take a look at yourself, and let her be herself.

Assburgers · 28/07/2017 18:38

It's not really about you, though, is it.

Be positive about it to her. Say you love the new name, that it suits her, and that you should have called her it in the first place.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/07/2017 18:38

Sorry, I get you know.

Whem a friend of mine joined our VIth Form he said he name was (say) John. Turned out that John was his middle name and his first name was (say) James but he didnt like it. To me he will always be John and I daresay to his parents he will always be James.

Will you still call her by her Welsh name? Does she object to that?

JackTwist · 28/07/2017 18:39

My nephew changed his unusual but perfectly nice name in his teens to a common name. He then changed it back once he hit his 20s! Teenagers are sensitive and just want to be like everyone else don't they

Couldn't agree more. And if your dd is already shy outside the home, bringing attention to herself is the last she wants.

reup · 28/07/2017 18:40

In the 80s at university I met a girl who had changed her name from Tracy ( because she thought it was too common ) to Amanda as that was more middle class. I remember feeling sorry for her parents. I can't imagine hating my name (it's pretty plain and dated now) because its me and has always been with me. Has she generally got low self esteem? I wonder if she thinks her life will be transformed with her name changed? Hope she's not disappointed.

MsPassepartout · 28/07/2017 18:40

I'd try not to see it as a rejection of yourself personally.

And I don't think the actual names involved are really relevant. She doesn't like the name. It doesn't matter what random strangers on the internet think of it. If we all said "ooh, what a lovely name OP gave her DD when she was born", that's hardly going to make OP's DD think again, is it?

Anyway, even ordinary, classic, names can be disliked by their bearer. I used to work with a woman who had an very unusual name (I won't put it here). It came out in conversation one day that she'd changed her name by deed poll when she was about the same age as OP's DD. Her original name had been Victoria. Nothing at all unusual about that name for someone her age, but she said it hadn't felt right for her.

Original poster
fabyoulouse · 28/07/2017 18:40

She has said she understands if we want to but she'd rather we didn't.

Assburgers she's already convinced I hate her because I gave her a stupid name, so I'm not sure saying she was right all along would work.

OP posts:
vuvozabepa · 28/07/2017 18:41

This reply has been deleted

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PyongyangKipperbang · 28/07/2017 18:41

typos typos everywhere..... now, when...

Slimthistime · 28/07/2017 18:41

I should add, I don't like the "correct" pronunciation of my name so I've actually altered it slightly which admittedly makes matters worse.

due to the foreign origins, it was a name that no one knew when I was growing up, but now people are starting to come across more of them, and then I get questioned about the pronunciation when I introduce myself and I end up saying "sorry, you are correct, it's just I hate it being said that way so I've altered it".

So I do just hate it, as well as feeling it's a pain and doesn't reflect anything about me. Actually this thread has made me think - I do think I should start introducing myself to any new people using the name I'd actually like. Then maybe in future I won't bother officially changing it, but just be known by it.

wikedminx · 28/07/2017 18:41

My eldest daughter changed her first name by Deed Poll when she turned 18, She had a long name that could be shortened many ways, and has always been known by one of these, in school she asked to be called that, and would often look confused if called her full name!

The problem got to be that she was getting cheques sent in short name, and then had a certificate from college using it. she decided that she would change name offically to the short version, and has kept the full version as a middle name, she now has 2 middle names.
I was happy for her to do this ( I had infact wanted to give her the short version, but her dad said no!)

reup · 28/07/2017 18:42

I can't imagine caring so much about a middle name! How bizarre. I don't ever remember needing to tell it to anyone since secondary school. I like my name even though other posters seem to loathe it.

PovertyJetset · 28/07/2017 18:42

It's a shame she can't see you have given her an unusual Name because she was so perfect and unique to you. And that it reflected her heritage.

Tell her you you respect her wishes and the name she has chosen is lovely.

reup · 28/07/2017 18:44

Will she stop hating you now for choosing if now she's changed her name?

WooWooSister · 28/07/2017 18:44

I can see why you feel rejected especially since your DH and DD seem to be discussing it without you. Perhaps your DH's role in the middle of this is adding to your upset.
If I were you, I'd adopt a breezy, supportive attitude to the name change. Not many people change their name so it says something about your DD's strength of character that she'd take this step.

vuvozabepa · 28/07/2017 18:44

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Original poster
fabyoulouse · 28/07/2017 18:44

Doubt it. I'm not sure you've understood though reup - her middle name "is" her name, or is until it's changed anyway.

OP posts: