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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD has changed her name, AIBU to feel rejected

355 replies

fabyoulouse · 28/07/2017 17:58

DD has never liked her name so it shouldn't come as a surprise really. She used to get really upset whenever someone pronounced it incorrectly, which happens a lot, and people don't always pay any attention when she corrects them.

She also claims it makes her "stand out" and she just wants to "blend in". So she is off to sixth form college in September and thinks now is a good time. She has her father's support so they have filled in a form online and she's paid for it herself.

I can't help but feel rejected. Perhaps because I chose her name and so she's always aimed any anger about it towards me.

OP posts:
RestingBitchFaced · 28/07/2017 18:07

What's the name?

Bluntness100 · 28/07/2017 18:07

I think it should be clear why OP can't give her teenage daughter's name out on a public forum, especially if it's a less well known one?

I'm not sure I agree unless it's something totally unique

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 28/07/2017 18:07

A relative of mine changed hers at 18. From Eileen to Lee. . She was a bit older than your daughter but she clearly wanted to be her own person.

SendintheArdwolves · 28/07/2017 18:07

I understand why you feel hurt. A namechange is a big deal and I can see why it is a big adjustment.

But your daughter has been super brave and self-determining and has (I'm sure) thought hard about making this change. Please support her decision and make a HUGE effort to use her new name until it becomes second nature to you.

FWIW I've never liked my name. It's never felt like "me" and most people who know me call me by a variety of nicknames. A few years ago I decided to do something about it, picked out a new name (first and surname) which I like a lot more. But I never got the nerve together to actually change my name -- almost entirely because I knew my parents would be cross/hurt/not understand/feel all rejected and bewildered and never be able to get their heads around my new name. So I take my hat off to your daughter and applaud her bravery.

inkzooka · 28/07/2017 18:08

Ah, if it's welsh I can see the problem. Not because Welsh is an ugly language, but I'm guessing it might have some odd characters that are hard to pronounce or combinations of letters that sound different in Welsh and English?

K1092902 · 28/07/2017 18:08

I get where you are coming from OP and I would probably be a bit hurt too but ultimately it is your DDs decision. If it's causing her genuine upset and has done for a long time then it seems fair enough.

I have a friend who goes by her middle name because she doesn't like her first name. On official documents etc she has to go by her first name but family, friends and co workers call her by her middle name.

AlternativeTentacle · 28/07/2017 18:08

What's the name?

Does it matter? She has already changed it!

Katedotness1963 · 28/07/2017 18:09

I do feel a bit "ouch" for you. We gave our eldest son a kind of unusual name in that it has different spellings and his is the most unlikely. I love his name and I'd be hurt if he changed it. Maybe in a few years your daughter will be more confident and happier to use her "real" name? Is there a story behind why you chose her name and does she know it?

LightDrizzle · 28/07/2017 18:09

I'd be sad she didn't like the name I chose but given she doesn't, I'd support her changing it. She is right that now is a good time. Her significant qualifications will all be in her new, forever name.

I love DD1's name, luckily we chose names for both DDs that have short versions, lucky because DD1 doesn't like her (full) name. She goes by her shortened version which I'm fine with and anticipated might happen.
She thinks her name sounds too "posh" as she's also afflicted with a double barrelled surname, fair enough!
She's a Constance who goes by Connie.

IWantABlueBanana · 28/07/2017 18:09

Have you got a normal name op?

As a teen/young adult it can be fucking brutal having an odd name.

Bluntness100 · 28/07/2017 18:09

Ah it's myfanwy? Often pronounced my fanny? Right? And for a teenage girl that's excrutiating.

If it is, yup, I can see why she would change that. Sorry op. If it is that I think you should have some empathy and her father is right to support her.

Original poster
fabyoulouse · 28/07/2017 18:10

It's pretty easy to pronounce (according to DD people are stupid and do not listen - she is very shy outside of the home but will make her opinions known to me and her dad!)

Feel better about it now. You're right, it's the name, not me. And she's a lovely girl (mostly!) so that's what's important.

OP posts:
Original poster
fabyoulouse · 28/07/2017 18:11

No it's not Bluntness and I'm really not finding your constant hectoring very helpful. This is my child's name and I am not going to publish it on here no matter how much you prod and poke. If what you want is to know the name, move on. It's none of your business.

OP posts:
inkzooka · 28/07/2017 18:12

I really don't see why PP seem to think her DD should have to have a ridiculous name to change it. If she's uncomfortable with her name for whatever reason, she has every right to spend her money and change it! She has to hear it every single day!

Not an attack on you there OP. Just miffed off that people seem to think you should only change a name you're uncomfortable with if it's Bhrihtianny or something.

SeaCabbage · 28/07/2017 18:13

I think you should be proud that as such a young person she has the strength and determination to make the change. It's a big thing to do.

Imagine hating introducing yourself. It would be horrible.

I feel sorry for you that she is feeling anger towards you about it. Hopefully once she has changed it, then that will die down.

Articu · 28/07/2017 18:13

I think yabu to be feeling rejected when she is not rejecting you. You wouldn't be unreasonable to feel a bit pissed off with her for being cross with you for giving her the name though. That's daft silly girl.

One of my adult DDs doesn't much like her name. I'll admit It's classic and boring. I keep telling her to change it if she fancies, why not? It's only a name. 🤷🏻‍♀️

VeryButchyRestingFace · 28/07/2017 18:13

If anything, it would be a rejection of her father since he's the one with the Welsh relatives.

He obviously doesn't see it that way though.

Is her middle name Welsh? If she likes her middle name, I would have thought the most straightfoward route (involving zero bureaucratic tape) would simply be to be known by your middle name. I have several friends who've done this.

LightDrizzle · 28/07/2017 18:14

Funnily enough I don't like my own name much, although I did as s child. My mum chose an unusual but quite trendy name that became quite common 10 years later but has now plunged.
My grandma was called Winnifred and her mother was Gertie (Gertie Bullock), so maybe there's a bad naming gene down the female line! Thinking about it, 4 generations definitely weren't keen on their names.

BertrandRussell · 28/07/2017 18:14

My step nephew refused to start secondary school unless he was al allowed to change his name. His brother and sister followed suit 2 and 3 years later. Their mother was incredibly upset but they were adamant. Their names were truly awful though.

Original poster
fabyoulouse · 28/07/2017 18:16

I just liked the name and wanted something a bit more unusual Blush but it has come back to bite me, clearly.

She's got rid of her existing middle name altogether as she really hates it but her first name is actually her middle name.

Her dad has a Welsh name people get wrong all the time. It's never bothered him but she says it bothers her and she doesn't know why but it makes her feel upset and angry.

OP posts:
Joinourclub · 28/07/2017 18:17

Maybe she is angry because you couldn't discuss it rationally with her, you dismissed her feelings, you made it all about YOU?

VeryButchyRestingFace · 28/07/2017 18:17

Just miffed off that people seem to think you should only change a name you're uncomfortable with if it's Bhrihtianny or something

Looks like I've found a name for the new goldfish! Grin

💡💡💡

GreatFuckability · 28/07/2017 18:17

Myfanwy isn't pronounced anything like My fanny Hmm

OP, I understand why you feel hurt, but I think you need to try and separate her rejection of the name from her rejecting you personally. As a teen I was mortified by my name, which isn't at all unusual or weirdly spelt, but people often confused it with another name and that attention when that happened was awful for me because I was excruciatingly socially awkward.

Bluntness100 · 28/07/2017 18:17

Op, your angry denial speaks volumes.

Notonthestairs · 28/07/2017 18:18

Fab - I have a friend that changed her unusual but fabulous middle eastern name to something quite bland in her teens - she hit 25 and changed it back! All is not lost.