DD has changed her name, AIBU to feel rejected

[fabyoulouse]

DD has never liked her name so it shouldn't come as a surprise really. She used to get really upset whenever someone pronounced it incorrectly, which happens a lot, and people don't always pay any attention when she corrects them.

She also claims it makes her "stand out" and she just wants to "blend in". So she is off to sixth form college in September and thinks now is a good time. She has her father's support so they have filled in a form online and she's paid for it herself.

I can't help but feel rejected. Perhaps because I chose her name and so she's always aimed any anger about it towards me.

I have a much less common name, though with a very common nn derived from it. All through my teenage and early adult years I hated it and had every intention of changing it to the shortened version. However one day it suddenly clicked how nice my name actually is, never used the nn since and glad I never changed it.

You might find that one day your DD grows into her name, until then try not to feel so rejected. It's tough feeling like your name isn't 'you' if that makes sense?

I totally understand why you feel rejected OP.

I chose my kids names with care and lots of reasons (family names, cultural names etc) and feel they were good names for them, and so would feel a bit kicked in the face if they changed it.

But on the other hand, for some people having an unusual name, even slightly out of the ordinary means drawing attention to yourself.

I do look at a lot of names given out now and think that will be hard to carry off as a teen.

I know friends with unusual names who get really sick of having to say it/spell it. You said she has changed it to something more 'classic' so I am guessing she just wants something unremarkable, something she can hide behind a bit.

You may find as she gets older she uses it again.

My daughter has an unusual Dutch name (father is Dutch). It has an ordinary English abbreviation - like Kate. She always uses the abbreviation, in UK and full name in Holland. I am hoping that as an adult she will chose to embrace the full one a bit more, as it is a lot more grown up and elegant, and the abbreviation feels to me more like a child's name. But if she didnt'? well I will call her what she likes.

Myfanwy isn't pronounced anything like My fanny

No it's not, but I went to school with a girl with this name and that is indeed rhe bullying she got, hence why it sprung to mind. As it's often mispronounced, is Welsh, and the girl in question also hated introducing herself.😔

I find it hard to comment without the name. And op you came here to ask about a name we are not to know.

Weirdness.

I would be upset in your shoes, especially as it's a name linked to her dad's culture. I also do feel sorry for her that she's had to grow up with it constantly being mispronounced. The same happens with one of the DC's names but luckily after they explain how it's pronounced people react positively which plays a large part in the constant asking not building resentment. Is the name she's chosen close in sound to the name you chose? Could there be a similar shortening? Ultimately it's her decision, and yes you should be supportive of her but that doesn't mean you can't be hurt too. Venting about it on here is a good way to avoid projecting that upset on your DD.

OP, I think you feel a bit 'judged' by the change in a few ways - she doesn't like the name you picked, she feels more comfortable talking about the issue with her father (I assume you are not with him as you don't refer to yourselves as a couple at all) and she is directing her anger at you.

I would grit your teeth and see what form the anger takes next - IMO it's unlikely to be her (former) name causing that many issues although it may be causing her some embarassment. It really doesn't sound like she's done this to get at you.

I'm not angry Bluntness but "what's the name ... OH it's this name ... no wonder" isn't helpful.

The thread isn't about her "old name" exactly.
You weren't correct in your assumption (not that it stopped you attacking me!)
Now you are putting emotions I fo not feel onto me.

Thank you for your measured comments all. As I acknowledged on page 2, calmly and certainly not "angrily" I just needed to share.

She's got rid of her existing middle name altogether as she really hates it but her first name is actually her middle name.

So the name she has always used her first name is actually her middle name?

And she dropped her actual middle name because she hated it?

And now she's ditching her middle/first name cos she hates that too?

Did I pick that up right??

It's colossal bad luck to get saddled with not one but two forenames you can't abide.

Sounds like she may be a fussy namer.

No, I didn't Poverty

But I have a new empathy with DD now.

It IS frustrating telling people one thing and having them repeat another back at you.

Her "new name" is a fairly classic one. Not drastically popular but one that will blend in seamlessly enough. It's a nice name. I just wouldn't personally have chosen it.

I changed my name at 18, and my parents (my mother especially) did feel rejected by it.

They'd chosen a name they loved, honouring somebody they loved, and I'd thrown it away. Id also always been quite angry about it, and blamed them for choosing it.

As an adult with DCs, I can totally understand why they felt rejected by it, but it really really wasn't about them.

I hated the name. Always had. It just didn't feel like me. I always used nicknames, and hated having to give the full name, or correct spelling or pronohnciation. Names are really personal choices and very subjective - look at all the angst on the baby names board! - and i just don't share their taste.

So I get why you're upset about it, but try not to take it too personally. Its about your daughters identity and personal taste, not about her love for you or your relationship.

And before any of the nosy fuckers on here ask, no I won't be revealing the original name either because that's really not the point!

interesting post OP

I have a forrin name - reflects my mum's heritage but not mine - so I considered this too, in my 30s. my mum was very upset so I decided to leave it till she's no longer with us. I think it's better that your daughter changed young tbh, I rather wish I'd done it then - esp at teenage age tbh, then I could have had it all my working life.

it is about the name. I love my mum so much I couldn't begin to tell you. It's just so bizarre being known by a name you can't abide. My sister's name is even worse but interestingly, when we were young she found a bearable abbreviation, and recently, at nearly 50, she's gone back to using her full name. I guess tastes change!

I loathe my totally shit name - and I wish I'd had the courage to change it when I was younger. It's bit late now - there are so many things (bank accounts, passports, degree certificates, professional body memberships) it would affect. And I've published too (and not just et al)- I would think it would be so complicated asking everyone I know start calling me by a different name. SHe's doing it at a really good time - the people she will be mixing with won't know her as anything other than what she has chosen, all her important qualifications etc will be in her chosen name. It's ideal.

Very

Let's say her name is Hannah Rebecca but we've always called her Rebecca and that's the name she's known as. She complains about that too and in hindsight she's right.

Now she is Ruth Rebecca, known as Ruth.

Yes? :) But those names are nothing like "hers."

I have to say that I have all my dses middle names which I love as well just in case they wanted to switch with their first names. It hadn't occurred to me that they might want a new name altogether!

It's hard for people to comment without knowing the actual names involved, but I guess we can all sympathise if it were our own dc changing their name from the one we had lovingly chosen.

PS my mum said part of her upset was that she really dislikes the name I'd choose for myself. I wouldn't ask her to use it though.

I can understand but don't be cross, my name is very boring, I hate it but my brothers came off worse! It's one of those things which you have to live with and better she changes it now. At least she kept it for the middle, do you like her new name?

My nephew changed his unusual but perfectly nice name in his teens to a common name. He then changed it back once he hit his 20s! Teenagers are sensitive and just want to be like everyone else don't they.

I can sympathise with you both. My DD also has an 'ethnic' first name which is unfamiliar to English people and is often misspelt and mispronounced. She has managed to compromise by using an abbreviation that is easier for people around her to understand but there was a point when she thought about using her middle name instead. In our case it was her dad who picked the unusual first name and I think it was only the thought of hurting his feelings that stopped her making the change.

Also I think it has helped that for a few years she studied in the country the name originates in where everyone understood it and pronounced it right. She even met other people with the same name - it made her realise it was a 'real' name that reflected her background not something we had made up to embarrass her. I still wish we had called her something a bit more main stream though.

If it is any consolation we went through this the other way round from a fairly classic name (I'm not keen on my unusual one) to a more unusual one. It felt weird at first but I've totally got used to it now and think it is a better choice. Takes a bit of time though.

I know someone who changed her middle name. Nobody knew it, but her mum hated it, so she ended up changing it.
I also know someone who changed her fairly common name to another fairly common one because she said her name was 'boring' and the newer one had 'far more meaning'. Her parents didn't mind at all. She hasn't rejected them, just as your daughter hasn't rejected you.

I have a fairly old fashioned, classic name. Can't be shortened. Some people say it's too long! I'm not keen, my grandma chose it. I have never met anyone with my name in my life. Once, I introduced myself to a group and someone stood and said 'Oh, that's an old name, haven't heard that name in a long while' and then started an entire conversation about my flaming name!

the name is completely irrelevant to this discussion. What the OP is asking about is if she is unreasonable to feel rejected because she picked the name. If people can't see the difference between those two things, then you need to learn some critical thinking skills.

Why do people keep asking the name? Even if it was a lovely name (it probably was to be fair to the OP) and everyone on MN liked it, it's immaterial as the dd didn't like it for her own reasons.
Remember the Shakespeare quote OP "a rose by any name would smell as sweet".

I hate my name I feel it's old fashioned but my late mother chose it so I wouldn't dream of changing it. That being said my name is Helen so people don't get confused by it or find it difficult to spell/understand. If your daughter wants to change it that is her choice and although you have every right to be upset, this should be done in private away from your daughter

You have no idea how endlessly frustrating and often belittling it is for everyone to be mispronouncing or misspelling a name until you've had to experience it your whole life, in every new interaction with someone.