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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD has changed her name, AIBU to feel rejected

355 replies

fabyoulouse · 28/07/2017 17:58

DD has never liked her name so it shouldn't come as a surprise really. She used to get really upset whenever someone pronounced it incorrectly, which happens a lot, and people don't always pay any attention when she corrects them.

She also claims it makes her "stand out" and she just wants to "blend in". So she is off to sixth form college in September and thinks now is a good time. She has her father's support so they have filled in a form online and she's paid for it herself.

I can't help but feel rejected. Perhaps because I chose her name and so she's always aimed any anger about it towards me.

OP posts:
isernamesarerubbish · 29/07/2017 23:55

I have a friend who changed her name in sixth form because she hated her first name. She is a mumsnetter so I will give an example
Sharon Bethan Smith, changed it to Beth Smith. A few friends know her as Beth, her FB is Beth but her family all call her Sharon. If your daughters only problem is the way people pronounce her name, perhaps she would be happy if you keep using it (as Sharon's family did) but you let her use her "new" name outside the family? On a practical side my 8yo often asks to be called by her first name (we use her middle name) and I can't do it for more than 5 minutes, I always revert back!

yellowbirdie · 30/07/2017 09:32

I feel for you OP, hard not to take it personally, I would be upset too. Albeit I don't think this is about you. Well done for having a daughter who knows what she wants. Her name is a huge part of her identity and it doesn't sit right with her and she's doing something about it. It is a new beginning for both of you. I agree buy her a personalised gift with her new name engraved on it have a little celebration to show you support her decision (a cake with her name on?). Make sure you always use her new name. Have an open, honest chat with her about how when you named her you chose a name you loved with meaning. It wasn't to be but you never intended to humiliate her, you love her and love the name. Going forward you support her new choice of name as it is so important to her and she matters most. Even if you haven't been particularly close now maybe an opportunity to work on that? Good luck OP.

Goodasgoldilox · 30/07/2017 12:42

I had a great aunt who did exactly as you daughter did - as soon as she was 18. (She didn't have family support - so had to wait even though she really hated the name they chose.)

She changed her name to 'Joy' which seems particularly appropriate.

aubretia · 31/07/2017 12:33

My daughter changed her name at a similar age. Making it a formal change as she moved to college was a really good move as her recent certificates are all in her new name. Her GCSEs are in her old name, which, like your daughter, she has kept as a middle name, so that will help too when applying for jobs etc. in the future. The fresh start with her new name worked well and she didn't have jobsworth people telling her what she had to be legally known as. It was also a good age, old enough to be sure of her own mind but not yet ensnared in too many bank accounts, NI number, motgages, passports, rental agreements etc that make it a real hassle when you are older.

I was quite sad about the name change at first and still am wistful about her old childhood name. I think it's nostalgia on my part - she doesn't feel it at all. What surprised me is that I now truly think of her as her new name. Everyone else does too, and if we meet someone she hasn't seen for a few years she can answer quite comfortably now to her old name and just bring the name change naturally into the conversation.

Leapfrog44 · 31/07/2017 13:01

it's just an immature reaction to a name she doesn't like. Let her get on with it. Don't take it personally, just concentrate on being loving and supportive and guiding her through life as best you can.

JustDanceAddict · 31/07/2017 13:08

My DD has a fairly unusual name, although it's becoming more popular now. Thankfully she does like it, but she has a very 'normal' middle name she could've changed it to if she'd wanted. She gets it mispronounced or called similar names quite a bit, but she's used to it.i think it annoys me more than her esp when people continually do it. It's not hard to say at all.
I'd prob be quite gutted if she wanted to change it, because you've grown up with calling your DD that name and also it's something you thought would be a lovely name for a girl. Ultimately her name though I suppose!
Ds decided he wanted to be called a different variant of his name from a very young age & now it s was weird that we called him the other version at first. I'm sure you'll get used to it.

BertrandRussell · 31/07/2017 13:13

"it's just an immature reaction to a name she doesn't like"

Seems very mature to me.

TrinityTaylor · 31/07/2017 16:41

I had a friend at school who legally changed her name at the start of yr11 to a trendy short version of her own name. For example "Elizabeth" known as Liz, changed it to Lizzi. She has changed it back now as she is embarrassed by the uneeq spelling. However her parents have always gone with the flow and never made an issue of it

EastMidsGPs · 31/07/2017 17:39

Growing up I really disliked my given name. At the time it was unusual (loads of us about these days). People either commented on it, pronounced or spelt it incorrectly and I felt possibly with a chip on my shoulder, that teachers remembered it and made a point of saying it.
From a young age I shortened it and everyone has since called me by this name which I think suits my personality better.

However, DH breezed into my life, saw my given name on a registration document and has always addressed me by my full name. Never waivered.
So, when he uses it, it is special. When the doctor does, not so.

Let her have the name she wants and be pleased for her.

brasty · 31/07/2017 17:54

A DC in our family is known exclusively by his nickname, He hates his real name.
Our children are individuals who don't always like the same things as us. Maybe she seems so angry about it as she feels defensive about changing it?

Original poster
fabyoulouse · 31/07/2017 18:01

A number of you seem to know children who have changed their names.

Apologies if I've misunderstood, but this isn't like Elizabeth being called Libby.

DDs name is indeed Angharad. She opted to change it to Eleanor, so a completely different name.

OP posts:
Lauralou69 · 31/07/2017 18:03

I changed mine when I was 18.....it was Sharon........how could they?? My patents were mortally offended but as i told them, my name, my life, my choice.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 31/07/2017 19:15

Eleanor is beautiful and a lovely name if she wants a serious career. The girl has taste.

bbcessex · 31/07/2017 19:21

Angharad is a beautiful name OP.. I can see why you used it.

Eleanor is a nice name but not as nice as Angharad!

Maybe she will change back when she's older...

CoraPirbright · 31/07/2017 19:21

I have seen it from both sides. I really dislike my name - it is deathly dull, lacking in any flair and just doesn't reflect me. Kind of wish I had changed it but mostly go by a school nickname so its not the end of the world. On the other hand, my ds has occasionally said he doesn't like his name and I was surprised by how hurt I felt. So I have stopped ever mentioning to my parents that I dont like mine (but it is dull....and ds' name is awesome!!).

MikeUniformMike · 31/07/2017 20:22

Angharad is a beautiful name but I can see your DD's POV. Ann Harrod is a nice enough name too and Anne Garrod but neither of them are acceptable pronunciations of Angharad. The ngh is tricky. (ng as in English thing not as in anger). I much prefer Angharad to Eleanor, and I don't like the way some people say it as Ellen Ore.

I can see why your DD changed her name and why you chose it. Shame she didn't like it because it is really nice.

Okite · 31/07/2017 21:03

Angharad and Eleanor are both beautiful names. It's really not about whether the name is beautiful or not though, but about whether it feels right to her. I have a name that is generally considered positively. It's classic, easy to spell and pronounce etc etc. Regardless, it's just not me, it never has been. I hate it FOR ME, I don't hate it on other people.

Try not to get caught up in the idea that it's because Angharad is not a lovely name - it's not that at all, it's just that it's not HER.

starsorwater · 31/07/2017 21:09

I love your daughter's names, your choices and hers. I don't think you should feel rejected if you are still friends.

I wish I'd changed my own name at her age. Too late now, but I've dragged it around like a ball and chain all my life and I detest it.

missymayhemsmum · 01/08/2017 07:19

She is 16, so whe's going to be angry with you about something! If it's just her name and she's able to change it (temporarily probably) you got off lightly. And she could have chosen a worse name than Eleanor. She will probably go back to Angharad when she discovers there are 10 Ellies in her group at college, anyhow.

Tabymoomoo · 01/08/2017 07:51

Bless her I can imagine the constant frustration of having to correct a name like Angharad. It really is a frustrating thing to deal with. Try not to take it too personally she is a difficult age where image is everything and she just wants to fit in. I remember being horrible to my mother at that age (we have great relationship now).

I hated my long name as a child - old fashioned and boring so shortened it to something trendy. My parents never said anything and they call me by both versions. I actually quite like the longer one now I'm grown up but so used to the short one now I feel I can't go back.

LynetteScavo · 01/08/2017 08:19

If she's angry with you about her name, and has insisted on changing it, the best thing you can do is embrace it, and it will be hard, but she'll love you for it. and just hate you for something else

Eleanor is a beautiful name. I really like Angharad, but tbh, would have to double check I'd spelt it correctly.

Console yourself with the fact that she's chosen an elegant, classic name and not Paz.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 01/08/2017 08:24

Tbh I can understand why she is fed up with constantly correcting people.

I personally think Eleanor is a beautiful name.

It's her name to do with as she wishes.

I th8nk she has handled it with maturity

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 01/08/2017 08:25

*think

brasty · 01/08/2017 14:21

The child in our family who hates his name and uses a nickname as his name, has not shortened his name or used a diminutive name. It is a totally different name. Similar to saying he is called Hammy rather than Jabran.

BlahBlahSaidSquish · 01/08/2017 18:43

Personally I would have changed Angharad. I have no idea how it's supposed to be pn, but I see it as Ang (said like the ang in anger)-Ah-Rad and it doesn't sound nice. I'm sure that's not correct but I totally see her point. It sounds like she has approached this very maturely.