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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD has changed her name, AIBU to feel rejected

355 replies

fabyoulouse · 28/07/2017 17:58

DD has never liked her name so it shouldn't come as a surprise really. She used to get really upset whenever someone pronounced it incorrectly, which happens a lot, and people don't always pay any attention when she corrects them.

She also claims it makes her "stand out" and she just wants to "blend in". So she is off to sixth form college in September and thinks now is a good time. She has her father's support so they have filled in a form online and she's paid for it herself.

I can't help but feel rejected. Perhaps because I chose her name and so she's always aimed any anger about it towards me.

OP posts:
LoveDeathPrizes · 28/07/2017 21:58

She's giving you an awesome opportunity to make a real statement here. Be as supportive as possible and you'll send such a strong message that she'll never forget.

mathanxiety · 28/07/2017 22:03

I don't see it like that at all - a name is something parents have chosen with care and given to the child. The child changes the name and it is naturally felt as more of a rejection of the parents.

Being gay otoh is something innate like having blue eyes. It is not something given to someone or done to someone. The parents might be homophobic and might have a bit of accommodating and adjustment of attitude to do, but their homophobia is the problem and they need to do something about that.

In the case of the adjustment following a name change the issue is feeling a gift has been thrown back at you.

A little part of the relationship is dumped too in this case because the name change seems to have been accompanied by a certain amount of tactlessness or expression of resentment or anger. I would suggest getting to the root of this resentment or anger, and trying to repair the relationship.

mathanxiety · 28/07/2017 22:05

GreatFuckability, I agree with you on Seren/Karen pronunciation.

FluffyPineapple · 28/07/2017 22:05

Seren is NOT pronounced with the same ending as Karen. unless you say Kah-REN. Most people say Kah-run with a schwa sound. Seren is not pronounced that way its Seh-REN with an 'eh' sound. its very different

Seren has the same pronunciation as the beginning of the word 'Serendipity' . Would you pronounce an 'H' in that?? There is no 'H' sound in the name "Seren". End of...

mathanxiety · 28/07/2017 22:07

That's not what Mike was saying, Fluffy.

He used the example of the word 'Hen' as one where the 'en' sound is not a schwa.

DancesWithOtters · 28/07/2017 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theundecided · 28/07/2017 22:09

I don't know what your dds original name was but I have a welsh dad and an English mum and they wanted to call me Ang Harrad as they loved it (and still do!!). They decided not to as they were worried I would be picked on or constantly spelling it as we lived in England, so they gave me a much more well known name of Welsh origin. I'm so so so glad they didn't call me this - I would have hated it as a teen and been embarrassed and likely bullied (in England).
I gave my dd a nice but fairly common name too - for all the same reasons. I think people try too hard for originality and their dc just get a hard time.

Lesbionage · 28/07/2017 22:20

Ah yes- another Angharad here too! I was never called it because it's a tradition in my family to call ourselves by our middle names. Mine's a very traditional english name (think like in a Jane Austen novel) and I hated being called it (it just didn't feel like me, the name is lovely in itself) so I changed my name to a boyish short version of Angharad when I was 8. I wouldn't MIND being called Angharad but my Mum didn't want it to be the name people called me because it's not exactly a common name and people mispronounce it/misunderstand etc etc. In regard to OP's thread- I doubt she's doing it directly to spite you, and probably didn't think through how you would react. I certainly didn't consider my Mum would be sad when I switched to my nickname.

Airobnb · 28/07/2017 22:32

I did exactly the same thing OP and at the same time. I introduced myself as a shortened version of my full name when I moved for uni. I also got rid of my glasses so I felt completely new starting and it felt amazing.
My mother was (and is still slightly) offended and took it personally.
If I introduced myself as my full long 3 syllable name, people would hear another name, 99 percent of the time and get it wrong. The wrong name is a horrible name so it wasn't that enjoyable meeting new people.
The irony is that I changed my name to a pet name that only my family used to call me. Now everyone calls me that, except my mother who had switched to calling me my long full name (correctly pronounced of course!).
If she heard someone calling me my shorter name, she visibly squirms.
Its now 20 years later! And she still has issues with it.
Don't let it get to you like that as it's not worth it and don't take it personally. Having a name people get wrong all the time is not easy either.

doobree · 28/07/2017 22:39

I think in a way it will be better now it has come to a head. She will get a name she feels more comfortable with and if you can embrace the change, then I'm sure we will stop having any anger towards you as you will no longer be 'forcing' it on her. She's only young and we do feel things strongly at that age. It isn't worth it continuing to come between the two of you. Set her free and she'll thank you for it.

I hated my name as a child and young adult, because no one could rememeber my name and I kept being called a similar but slightly more common name as a couple of other girls had that name in my year group. My name isn't really that unusual, but still it got mixed up. It wasn't so much the name I disliked, it was the not being remembered. It made me feel insignificant and as if I wasn't worth remembering and I actually felt sick and ashamed when I heard my own name :( (other family issues too that didn't help.)

I don't feel like that now and my name is much more well known now so don't have the same issues, but for probably 20 odd years I was very unhappy with it.

So, this is a chance for a fresh start really :)

FluffyPineapple · 28/07/2017 22:41

*That's not what Mike was saying, Fluffy.

He used the example of the word 'Hen' as one where the 'en' sound is not a schwa*

Uh? Sorry I don't understand....Where exactly would the sound 'schwa' or 'hen' appear in the name 'Seren'???

Italiangreyhound · 28/07/2017 23:00

.OP I am so sorry you say that you feel your dd dies not like you, or words to that affect.

Have I got that right?

In your shoes I would really focus on your relationship with your dd and not worry about this name change.

I like the idea of buying her a gift with her new name on. Maybe, go to a jewellers together (if you can afford it).

I hope your Dh and you can get on the same and supper your dd.

steppemum · 28/07/2017 23:32

fluffy - you are really really not getting it are you?

People are trying to show you the phonetic sound they use. It is hard to describe in writing.

Schwa is the name for the phonic sound we make when we don't pronouce a vowel properly, because it is in the unstressed syllable of a word.
So, at the end of the name Karen, we don't say the en sound properly, because it is an unstressed syllable, we say a sound similar to 'u' but a bit less clear.
This sound is called a schwa sound
So Karen SOUNDS like Karun

People are saying 'en like in hen' to show you how they are saying the VOWEL sound. So 'en like in hen' means they say the vowel e as a short e sound like they do in the word hen. THEY DON'T MEAN YOU SHOULD SAY THE h.

or they said they say the e sound like 'eh' to try and show in writing the difference between eh and eeee which is a different sound.

THERE IS NO h. NO-ONE IS SUGGESTING THERE IS AN h ANYWHERE.

tabulahrasa · 28/07/2017 23:51

Fluffy - she's saying the ren in Seren rhymes with hen, or ten or men instead of rhyming with karen or Darren.

Not that there is an h in it.

MommaGee · 29/07/2017 01:08

Forget Seren. Can someone phonetic the pronunciation of Lleucu please? I want the flaky and not flaky pronunciation please

mathanxiety · 29/07/2017 01:41

A schwa is a neutral vowel sound.

It sounds like 'uh'. It is not represented in spellings with the letter U.

So the E in Karen is pronounced 'uh', which is a schwa.
It is pronounced 'Karun', to rhyme with 'hun'.
The second E in Seren should be pronounced to rhyme with 'hen'.
That E is not a schwa. It retains its phonic correspondence to the letter E.

Many other vowels in multitudes of words are schwas, pronounced as 'uh', though there is no letter U in those words.

mathanxiety · 29/07/2017 01:45

Correction - 'though there may be no letter U in those words'.

MommaGee · 29/07/2017 01:45

mathanxiety but how to pronounce Lleucu???

mathanxiety · 29/07/2017 01:46

You're on your own there, MommaGee Grin

Atenco · 29/07/2017 03:21

I just wanted to say, OP, the most important with your dd is to call her by the name she prefers to be called by. My db changed his name from a perfectly normal name to another, but my mother always refused to call him by his new name and they never properly reconciled.

I also had a friend whose name was Rose but had always preferred the name Veronica. She moved countries and took advantage to assume the name Veronica, but after two years with that name she changed back to Rose when she moved home. She felt that the name change also changed her personality in a way she didn't like.

NotTheCoolMum · 29/07/2017 04:02

YABU. Your reaction speaks volumes about your true feelings towards DD, like she is some sort of property that you have rights over.

heron98 · 29/07/2017 06:12

There are some truly hideous Welsh names so she could be lumbered with some right horrors (and I say this as a Welsh person with a Welsh name). As a child I hated introducing myself too the point of total social anxiety.

My name has subsequently become more popular so I don't get the weird looks any more, but I can see where your DD is coming from.

RhiWrites · 29/07/2017 07:09

Hah! My first name is Sarah but I don't use it. Instead I use my Welsh middle name Rhiannon.

Nothing against my first name but you can't heave a brick without hitting one.

OhtoblazeswithElvira · 29/07/2017 08:22

Right. Here is the only pronunciation of Lleucu I could find on the Internet. It also matches my local accent.

forvo.com/search/Lleucu/cy/

The letter can be pronounced slightly differently in the North but this has no impact on comprehension. I imagine maybe the the could be pronounced differently in the South East?

LL is pronounced by putting your mouth in the correct position to say the sound L, then blowing hard. This is one of the magical sounds of Welsh. Smile a pretty name altogether.

Rachel0Greep · 29/07/2017 08:39

Rhiannon
Beautiful name.

OP, I have no wisdom to offer. My own name is nice (old fashioned now, I guess) and ordinary so not something I have ever wanted to change. Make peace with your DD's choice, and try not to see it as a rejection. As others have said, it may be a new start.