To think nursery isn't *better* for children?

[Anon8604]

I'm part of an NCT group, all of the babies are around a year old. Parents have made a variety of decisions about work and childcare, some back to work full time, some part time and some not returning to work. The babies whose parents are working are all in nursery for between 3 and 5 days a week.

Lately there have been lots of conversations about how the babies are getting on at nursery. Obviously it's great that they are mostly settling in well, but I've felt like some of the comments have bordered on implying that nursery is better than staying at home. FWIW, I think different choices work for different families, not that one is better than the other.

The comments have been stuff like:

"She does so many activities at nursery, way more than you could ever do at home. It's really good for her development, I think she'd miss out on stuff if I kept her at home."

"It's better for them to socialise at an early age. You could always tell the school kids who didn't go to nursery cause they'd stand around at break times on their own."

"Her language is streets ahead compared to a couple of months ago, there's no way she'd have come on so much without nursery."

"It's really hard settling them in, but having an example of a working mum is worth it. I want them to know you have to work for things in life."

AIBU to think they're being a bit judgemental about the people who've chosen to stay home? I feel like if someone said something comparable about staying at home (like they think their child does better with one to one attention or something) then it'd be seen as judging those who are choosing to use a nursery, but somehow criticising people who aren't using nursery seems to be more acceptable?

Whatsername17 Great post

Everyone want a to justify their choices, reassure themselves they have made best choice.

Just ignore it and do what you thinks best. Non of this baby stuff matters when they hit school age so don't spend time worrying about it

As my children have got older I've realised none of this really matters. I've had periods full time at home and periods while I was full time out working. My children have turned out just fine. They enjoyed me being at home with them and they also enjoyed being in nursery. I think when you're in the middle of it it seems more significant and you can worry about the effects if either choice.

Exactly Allthewaves that is all parents are doing

Hear hear Swisschristmasmuseum

It helps a lot when you come out the 'other side' of parenting and realise what a waste of time all this agonising is.

I have 3 children, now all in their 20s. With dc1 I returned to work 3 days a week when she was 12 weeks. I spent longer at home after dc2 and 3 because ML legislation had changed in the meantime allowing longer leave.

We used, at various times, childminder, nursery, and later on, before/after school club.

The only difference that i remember among my own dc is that dc2 and 3 took a short while to settle in childcare because they were older. (No separation anxiety at all for the 12 week old. )

Looking at them now, you wouldn't know whether they'd been to nursery, child minder, or neither. They are happy, successful young adults. As are their friends, whether they had working parents or not. The bonus for me is that I've been able to progress in my career for the past 20 years, which i wouldn't have been able to do without childcare. Which isn't the same as saying childcare is 'better', because I am sure my kids would be equally successful and well adjusted if I'd stayed at home. What i can say though is that childcare enabled me and dh to both retain our work lives.

Honestly, when you get through the dreaded competitive parenting NCT Stage you'll look back and wonder why you gave this head space.

I said all those things but it wasn't out of guilt.

By the end of a year of mat leave it was obvious that DD was bored of being at home with me and tbh I was bored of baby groups and rhyme time and soft play.

It suited us both for her to go to nursery and she thrived there.

As much as possible, as long as I know i know im doing my best, I refuse to feel guilty.

Why does it have to be guilt?

I don't feel guilty - I have to work. I have picked out a place that my dc loves and I relish all the time I have with him.

I am a teacher so the holidays help balance this out.

I really don't think all working mothers feel guilty at all and that is a really unfair statement to make. I am pleased with our arrangement and with another on the way I will have no issue with the same set up.

Everyone is different, proud of their offspring and enjoys talking about them. It shouldn't need to put anyone down.

*Clandestino: ...don't socialise with other Mums with babies of similar age... whenever I had the misfortune I felt like I'm going to explode... I was delighted to go back to work and have the company of normal adults"
Well as SAHP's apparently are abnormal what do you propose OP does as she's one of the abnormal ones? Should she only socialise with people who have jobs and hope their superiority rubs off on them?

I suspect they were happy to see your judgy self go back to work!

To be honest it may be better for their child in particular and that's the thing - each child and family are unique and it's not a one size fits all thing.

You can't compare your child to another. The choices you've made suit your lifestyle and your child. My first child thrived at nursery - very sociable. She's not at all like us (introverted) and for that I'm happy she went early and got on fantastically. She hasn't learnt from us to shy away from people. Going back to work for our family let us do much more than we would have been able to otherwise. Everyone was happy. My second has just started nursery and is equally getting on well- he's very active in comparison and with 2 I couldn't give him the space and time to do what they do with him in normal working week or as a SAHM. When he wasn't in nursery we spent a good proportion of the day doing the school run with him in a car seat - out in the pram doing shopping etc.

Who knows what it would be like if I was a SAHM? As another PP said us working mums feel guilt and don't want to be always taking the kids to nursery but we take the positives from them being there and get on with life.

It really depends who is saying these things and why.

For me, my friends don't tend to be judgemental, in fact we all try our hardest to be supportive of all the different choices people have made.

Family on both sides are a different kettle of fish! I have been accused of failing my children by being a SAHM. I get quizzed on the activities I do with them etc, implication being it's not enough and I'm not good enough.

Trouble is when you know people who think like that / say things like that it can make you more sensitive. And then a friend says something harmlessly complimentary about nursery and you feel attacked.

They're justifying their choices but I don't think it's necessarily guilt. There's probably a lot of relief that their DC are so happy at nursery and their expressing that in a clumsy way. I never felt guilty about going back to work I don't think you can assume everyone does.

No parent should feel guilt about their choices we are all trying our best for our families is what we are doing

I needed childcare because I needed to work. I couldn't afford a nanny.

I don't like the idea of a very small child being with a childminder, I think they have too much on their plate to look after a small baby if they've also got other kids under 5 to look after (and possibly others before and after school).

So I chose a nursery. It wasn't perfect but it was fine and my son enjoyed going - he went two different ones over his pre-school years.

It's strange how the Scandinavian countries don't have all this angst about using childcare.

And I don't see why mums (never dads) should feel guilty for needing to work to keep a roof over their head.

Not that I would have stayed at home FT anyway, working is easier and I also think you need your own money and independence. That said, there were stressful moments at work when I might have liked a rich husband so I could have said sod off to work.

But people choose nurseries for very good reasons.

There's no one size fits all. Some kids might prefer being home. Some might be very social and enjoy the stimulus of nursery. Some might hate it. Poor quality nursery is not great. Good quality can be beneficial. Whether it's better will depend on the home environment, nursery environment, degree of parental engagement, time spent there et etc.

We are in Scandinavia and nursery here is top notch, small groups, degree educated teachers, loving and kind. Ds has thrived there. Even if I didn't have to work I'd still put him there a few mornings a week because he loves it.

This is why I didn't join a prenatal group. So much competition, judgement etc.

It's strange how the Scandinavian countries don't have all this angst about using childcare.

No we don't. It's actually seen as beneficial for them to socialise and begin to play with others.

And it's great quality. And also great faith in The System here. Oh and it's so fecking expensive that living off one wage is almost impossible. A high tax system. Reds two taxpayers

I also think it's really patronising to say that it's guilt. I don't feel remotely guilty for working and putting my daughter in nursery. Do dad's feel guilty for working? For me many of those things are true for my daughter but that doesn't mean anything negative about anyone else's child. My daughter's speech HAS improved since starting nursery, she DOES get to do a lot more interesting activities than she would with me and as an only child she also gets the benefit of socialisation. It's so sad that mothers are expected to feel guilty for their choices. It works for me but that doesn't mean I think that my choice is any better or worse than being a SAHP

I don't think it's guilt, why on earth would they have anything to feel guilty about? They work to put a roof over their child heads, food in their tummies and to set a good example.

Gah - they may well see these benefits from nursery. Does it really matter?

In the nicest possible way own your choices, be happy for them that nursery is working well and no need to be patronising. If you are worried send your child to nursery a couple of mornings a week.

Personally I don't get the whole 'socialisation' nonsense (certainly not at aged one). There is always an element of group think. Others will disagree.

With regards Scandinavia in my experience what is available is great. But there is also a lot of uniformity in what people do and low tolerance for variation.

I like the variety here - some people do x, some y and others z. But I guess that's why you get threads like this!

I do think private nurseries do a great job of marketing themselves in such a way that suggests they do a better job of things.

"We encourage children to develop their independence and creativity by designing a number of messy play experiences that develop the child's sensory repertoire"

Is the SAHM's equivalent of:

"I let my kid play with his food"

That's not to say that I think children do poorly at nursery but simply that I think nurseries over-weight their added-value.

People say stuff to 'look on the bright side' about their decisions. Let it wash over you, it's always nicer to think you did the right thing.

I also genuinely feel that my daughter gets better food and activities/social opportunities at the childminder then I personally would end up doing. Not to say childminders or nurseries are 'better' but that my childminder is better than me at this stuff. Because I don't feel cut out to be at home all the time.

As far as I can recall there was a study showing that under 3 yrs old children was actually very stressed (stress hormones, even tho they may not show it) being separated from their main caregiver... So in that respect nursery is most likely not better at that age! Having said that i chose to go back to work when my first was 5.5months... but i accept it may not have been the best for her, it was right for our family tho...

My child is 14 months and has been at nursery 3 days a week since 6 months.

She's not saying any words and just started walking so being at nursery hasn't made her develop faster. She's also very shy with other children.

None of this is bad and the nursery is wonderful but kids progress differently and it sounds like they are being competitive through guilt.

I'd love to be at home more