To think nursery isn't *better* for children?

[Anon8604]

I'm part of an NCT group, all of the babies are around a year old. Parents have made a variety of decisions about work and childcare, some back to work full time, some part time and some not returning to work. The babies whose parents are working are all in nursery for between 3 and 5 days a week.

Lately there have been lots of conversations about how the babies are getting on at nursery. Obviously it's great that they are mostly settling in well, but I've felt like some of the comments have bordered on implying that nursery is better than staying at home. FWIW, I think different choices work for different families, not that one is better than the other.

The comments have been stuff like:

"She does so many activities at nursery, way more than you could ever do at home. It's really good for her development, I think she'd miss out on stuff if I kept her at home."

"It's better for them to socialise at an early age. You could always tell the school kids who didn't go to nursery cause they'd stand around at break times on their own."

"Her language is streets ahead compared to a couple of months ago, there's no way she'd have come on so much without nursery."

"It's really hard settling them in, but having an example of a working mum is worth it. I want them to know you have to work for things in life."

AIBU to think they're being a bit judgemental about the people who've chosen to stay home? I feel like if someone said something comparable about staying at home (like they think their child does better with one to one attention or something) then it'd be seen as judging those who are choosing to use a nursery, but somehow criticising people who aren't using nursery seems to be more acceptable?

I don't think that is OP's expectation @silverbirchtree

It's other parents loudly and repetitively and boringly affirming their own choices that sounds pointed and critical.

Make your choice. Be happy. Shut up about it

Honestly, all that chat about little Johnny or Jemima's is the worst thing about the baby and toddler stage. It's of no interest to anyone other than parents and grandparents.

Johnny or Jemima's development^

I'd be a bit wary about deciding that all of the mums with children at nursery feel guilty about it. Sure some might not be happy with their decision and are saying things to make themselves feel better. Others might be feeling judged by other parents making different choices and being defensive (I bet there have been things said that have got their hackles up too). Others might feel they have made the best choice and be judging themselves. Some might just believe that what they are saying is true (and it might be - going to nursery might well have helped in language acquisition for that child, not sure why that's being seen as having a pop at others).

My original NCT group was mainly SAHMs and as a parent that went back to work full time by choice I did feel judged by some of them. I don't think they meant to make me feel bad at all, in fact I don't think they even realised they were making quite hurtful comments. It was still much easier to hang out with my second NCT group who all worked part time.

These kind of comments are getting more common. I think it's because:

1. People really believe it as they hear others saying it.
2. Marketing by nurseries is quite effective and the range of activities seems to be even better in many than it was a while back.
3. People worry about leaving their kids in nursery and this is what they tell themselves to make it feel better

Our speech therapist specifically asked me not to put dd into nursery as she was very speech delayed and 1:1 was therefore better speech modelling wise than3:1.

I say all this as a pt wohm using childcare (not nursery) who thinks everyone is entitled to their own views/choices. Try to ignore!

I don't think it's guilt. I think that saying it means you clearly think it's a justification for a bad choice.

I agree with every quote in the first post. Nurseries can provide more interest for children as well as the benefits of interaction with other children.

It's guilt for me. I'd have given anything to stay home with my two kids (and have more children!) and it breaks my heart leaving them at nursery. But we have to pay the bills etc so we both work full time. I miss them terribly so I try to justify sending them to nursery to myself and others by saying all the things in your OP

Happypixie lmao at that study. I'll explain to my 5yo who was in nursery since 8mobths he should be compliant sad and withdrawn lol. We I will when I can schedule some time between him playing with other kids and get him to listen! It's different courses for different horses isn't it??? Our son is a very sociable only child, nursery enabled him to mix with a close set of friends daily (who he still sees even after they started different schools), he learned to share and yes had so many different experiences than he would have at home. We had no family support and the nursery staff were a great source of support for us and we remain friends with many of them. For us nursery was way better than sah. Most sahp I know use a nursery at least once a week for the reasons your friends have mentioned. Historically, kids grew up in big family groups and nursery I believe helps replicate that so long as you pick a good one

Rule nr. 1 - don't socialise with other Mums with babies of similar age.
Not sure if it's the hormones or some sort of lactation psychosis but whenever I had the misfortune I felt like I'm going to explode. Constant pissing contests when reaching developmental stone sooner than other babies, justification seeking for or against going back to work the world only revolving around the household.
I was delighted to go back to work and have the company of normal adults with no perfect mother complex. Did me and my DD good.

Maybe for them it's true? I can imagine a young child at home with no siblings and a disengaged mother caring for them, might be better off spending time in nursery, or at the very least having regular interaction with other children at playgroups, play dates, etc. I'm not very crafty or creative, I have to take DD to playgroups to get inspiration for what to do at home if I'm honest.

I think it's really patronising to say that it's only guilt. Those opinions are totally valid. My child is in nursery one day a week. I feel zero guilt about this. I believe she gets a lot out of it and would explain those reasons if it came up in conversation. I don't think it is kind for anyone to judge another's decisions - but it is just as judgemental to dismiss these valid reasons for a child being at nursery as purely guilt.

My view on it OP is this:

People who are working have less time to organise playdates and attend playgroups. Therefore they have less opportunity to compare kids and realise that A) everything is just a stage and B) nearly all kids are both fucking weird and broadly normal simultaneously

Any new or challenging or pleasing behaviour from their kids is therefore attributed to nursery being amazing / parents better happier working / insert other reason here. Whereas SAMHs are more likely to realise that little Johnny being able to say sheep go baah is something they all get to in time.

I get a lot of comments about nursery being better, should put mine in nursery, blah blah. Just smile and nod and do what's best for you.

Many SAH parents have children in nursery. It's not one or the other.

Batteriesallgone what you described actually seems much more like a first time mother thing, than a SAHM/WOHM thing. I know plenty of first time SAHM who think that their superior parenting is why the little angel walked/talked/whatever early. I know almost zero mothers of 2/3/4/etc who think the same, whether they work or not!

Yeah true new, I think I know too many parents of onlies or where the second is only a tiny baby.

Maybe my contemporaries will stop being so annoying in time

Surely it depends on the child.

DS loved nursery and all the activities and couldn't wait to get in; DD was miserable and couldn't wait to get out! Which is why I gave up work at that stage.

DC are people; some are more sociable than others. A naturally sociable child may well thrive on all the activities in a nursery setting while a more introverted child may thrive better in a quieter environment at home.

I probably said some similar things because it wasn't socially acceptable to say I don't really care if this isn't the optimal environment for babies, it's good enough and there's no way I'm giving up my career even though we don't need the money.

My dd went to nursery and I feel like it was the best thing for her. It's not about judgement or them feeling guilty. They have made a childcare choice, their child is thriving and they are relieved and happy. I felt the same. I arrived early once to find dd and the other 1 year olds stripped to their nappies in a warm room rolling around in jelly. No way would I have done that at home! I was glad that they were giving her an experience I couldn't -didn't want to-. Do not get dragged into competitive parenting. What works for them might not work for you. And whilst a child who has been to nursery full time might find the routine of starting school going into foundation stage a little easier, by year 1 you won't be able to tell the difference.

Don't know - I sent my child to nursery but I certainly did not feel guilty about it. I wanted her to go to nursery - I felt it was right for her. I think the comments that say some parents say things because they feel guilty is unfair.

I do understand what you mean. With DC1 I went back to work and she went to childcare at 9 months - I chose a childminder because I met her and I instantly felt like she was the right person to look after DD while I was at work. DD went from childminder, to a pre-school at 3.5 and is just about to start school now. I can't tell you the amount of people who told me I should use a nursery for 'socialisation' and so she didn't have to be 'dragged about on the school run' by the CM. It was very annoying - DD had a lovely time in a home environment and hasn't missed out on socialisation at all - probably because really what child socialises before about 3??
DS I was home till he was 20 months, and now he goes to a nursery 2 days a week because we moved areas and I could find no suitable CM. He's happy enough, they look after him and he does some nice things but he is no more 'advanced' or 'social' than DD was at the same age - probably because he's 2! When I had to put him into the nursery many friends were like 'oh great, he'll learn to socialise'....
I just don't get the nursery obsession - they are fine just like staying at home is fine, childminders are fine and nannies are fine. Children socialise much later than 1 and 2 years old in my opinion.

I've been guilty of saying these kind of statements and I've come to realise it is guilt - guilt that I work, guilt that I like working, guilt that I can't afford to be a SAHM, guilt that as much as I love my children I could t be a SAHM.

Don't worry about it but if it really bothers you, mention it to these friends individually that their comments make you uncomfortable.

becausebecausebecause I am agog at how you have made this thread anything to do with trans?! Wtf

I'd tend to agree with them I found my son came on leaps when he attended nuyrseey from 1 year old and I'm away to send my other son who turns 1 soon , as I feel it really helps them

He will go 1 day a week even though I don't need to send him, we want to as seem so much positives in his older brother when he started.

I'm not sure about 5 days a week that would be too much but I think 1/2 days a week can be a reall benefit.

What a goady thread as someone said earlier- so glad people have come on to trot out the Guilt line to re-inforce your superior view of your parenting op.

That study covered just over 1000 in a limited geographical area- not really statistically sound.

The most confident articulate child I ever met stayed at home with her mum until she was 3 with no siblings, she then joined the nursery my children were at 1 day per week because her mum was worried about her starting school- I think she could have saved her money tbh!

My children are confident and articulate too and they were both in nursery from a young age, but have articulate parents and grandparents and went to an utterly fabulous school.

There are so many influences on a child.

To get back to my point, to demean other women's choices is just nasty in my view.

I agree with pps that it's guilt, as young children are better off having 1 to 1 attention from their mothers rather than being at nursery.