To think nursery isn't *better* for children?

[Anon8604]

I'm part of an NCT group, all of the babies are around a year old. Parents have made a variety of decisions about work and childcare, some back to work full time, some part time and some not returning to work. The babies whose parents are working are all in nursery for between 3 and 5 days a week.

Lately there have been lots of conversations about how the babies are getting on at nursery. Obviously it's great that they are mostly settling in well, but I've felt like some of the comments have bordered on implying that nursery is better than staying at home. FWIW, I think different choices work for different families, not that one is better than the other.

The comments have been stuff like:

"She does so many activities at nursery, way more than you could ever do at home. It's really good for her development, I think she'd miss out on stuff if I kept her at home."

"It's better for them to socialise at an early age. You could always tell the school kids who didn't go to nursery cause they'd stand around at break times on their own."

"Her language is streets ahead compared to a couple of months ago, there's no way she'd have come on so much without nursery."

"It's really hard settling them in, but having an example of a working mum is worth it. I want them to know you have to work for things in life."

AIBU to think they're being a bit judgemental about the people who've chosen to stay home? I feel like if someone said something comparable about staying at home (like they think their child does better with one to one attention or something) then it'd be seen as judging those who are choosing to use a nursery, but somehow criticising people who aren't using nursery seems to be more acceptable?

[BlackRibboner]

We're expecting no. 2 and there's a chance OH will become a SAHP for financial reasons. One of the things that bothers us about that is taking our first out of childcare! We're lucky enough to have found a brilliant childminder and our child loves it - never had separation anxiety, but quite often get a tantrum when it's time to get in the pram and come home . . .

It works for us. I work full time and would love to do less (though full time SAH wouldn't be for me) but that's not an option. I agree people should try and be sensitive when discussing parenting choices, but at the end of the day every family and child is different. I have extolled the virtues of my childminder - and that is because she really is excellent and my child is thriving there. In no way means that SAHPs aren't doing an fantastic job too x

[BeautifulWintersMorning]

Don't worry about it op. Thinking about the brightest, most well adjusted kids at dd's high school that I know from her primary school, lots of them didn't go to preschool until 2.5, so it obviously isn't as vital to their development to go to nursery at 1 as they are making out.

[jessebuni]

I've done it both ways. DC1 I went back to work full time and he went to nursery. DC2 I decided I couldn't afford childcare for two because DC1 was only just about to start school so I'd still need wrap around hours as my boss wasn't willing to negotiate hours. So with DC2 I stayed hom with her.

Both DCs are very good socially and have had no issues transitioning to school at all. I didn't take DC2 to any baby groups either as all the ones near me charged quite a bit and with now one less income I couldn't justify it. Obviously both DCs also went to play school before school and that's what playschool is for, to help socialise and transition to school.

Besides socially nursery made no difference to my DC1 in terms of how advanced or not he is. If anything he is behind his peers and DC2 is ahead. This could be luck of course but it definitely leads me to believe that the choice of work vs home is purely individual and all families get different things from both. I've done both and been judged both ways but more often I have been looked down on for being a stay at home mum. (That's could be just my DCs playschool and school though) but my DD is one of the most advanced and independent DCs in her class and has a nice group of friends, so whilst she's not perfect and I'm sure has other spots of weakness, I can't see how not going to nursery has harmed her one bit.

[OhhBetty]

roundaboutthetown it's not a judgement at all, what a wierd thing to say
The reason I worry about the vulnerability is because of my history of abusive relationships dating back to when I was 14. Rightly or wrongly I will try to never put that much faith in someone. Hopefully I will buy my own house in the next 10 years, I will never buy one with someone else. I wouldn’t choose to have any more children than the one I have even though I'd love more because I couldn't go through all this again with 2 or more children. And if I did I would always want to make my own money and be as independent as possible.
So that's why I get concerned about people's welfare and vulnerability, not because I'm a judgemental cunt like some people

[Ktown]

Kids from stable homes grow up confident and happy.
Nursery nor SAHMs make any difference either way.
Angry arguing parents/parents who push their own problems on their kids almost always suffer. The nuances of working vs not working is not so important.

[OhhBetty]

Ktown when you say stable what do you mean? (Not being funny, I just worry about things like this being a single parent).

[roundaboutthetown]

OhhBetty - I'm sorry to hear you've had such a rough time and your personal response to that is entirely understandable. In the context of an NCT group talking about nurseries and SAH, however, which is the context of this thread, it would be entirely inappropriate and would frankly come across as a bit of a dig if you said to the SAHMs that you were worried about their vulnerability and shouldn't they be protecting themselves by going back to work?

[Want2bSupermum]

I've always avoided any group where the only thing you have in common is having children who are the same age. I love my DC but I tend to come on here when I'm not sure about my DCs behavior or their development and my close friends or parents haven't been able to help me.

I do work and have my DC in daycare. The first one wasn't right, the nanny we had was a disaster and then we found our gem. Ironically it's the cheapest in town but that's because it's government run. A full day until 5:30pm let alone 7pm was just too long for all of our DC. One of the ladies works for us after her shift finishes at 3:30pm until DH or I come home.

Career wise my attitude has been that if I was going to work it had better be worth my while. I studied my CPA exams during my first leave which was 16 weeks. DS arrived in Feb, terribly timing for an audit I needed to be on for promotion, so I took an 8 week leave. I then never got around to taking leave later in the year. With DD2, our third, I took six months off.

You have to do what is right for you and I run a mile when I see a group of mothers who are together for the sole reason of having DC who are the same age. I have meet some of my friends through activities that I am doing with my DC. When we meet up we don't talk about our DC specifically much at all.

[roundaboutthetown]

Ps I see that you did say you wouldn't express those thoughts out loud, though, OhhBetty. So I retract the judgemental comment!

[roundaboutthetown]

I don't tend to worry about my friends' choices unless I am in possession of actual facts that indicate that they have made a choice they should be concerned about! SAH/WOH, nursery/childminder/grandparent are all valid choices that can work out well, or reasonably well. Any decision can end up in retrospect looking like a mistake, or it can work out OK. There isn't only one way of living a life or bringing up a child.

[GetAHaircutCarl]

Oh don't assume all positive statements are made due to guilt! What a warped way to view the world.

When my DC were little we all moved to the US for a year and nursery places came as part of our package.

We tried it and it was ace! I was really really impressed. I certainly didn't feel guilty for using the places. Why would I?

[OhhBetty]

Obviously there's not just one way of bringing up a child. I don't see where anyone has even hinted at this.

[Maireadplastic]

OhhBetty- to me 'stable' means love, support and attention. All free!

[Bluebell1981]

A friend of mine who has always been particularly vocal about the need for nursery to 'socialise' etc. also happens to be the only one in a particular group of friends whose little one has been in childcare full time from a baby. This group was recently all together and her little one was the only child there NOT to socialise with the other children, and be particularly reluctant to leave his parents when there. I have no idea what the reason is but it did make me smile about the whole socialisation nonsense I've had to listen to over the years!

[NotMeNoNo]

The thing is that nurseries have to be very good because they are a substitution for care by parents which is safe, loving and personal.

Good childcare is fine but never feel second rate as a SAHP, you have first dibs on bringing up your children!

[OhhBetty]

Maireadplastic I hope thats what those studies meant by it too! Although I'm very fortunate because although money is extremely tight right now and we live in a rough area my career and wages will only go up! That's the plan anyway

[Ktown]

I mean stable - so I a safe, secure environment. I wasn't implying single parents aren't included in this!

[brasty]

Bluebell And that may just be the child's personality. Some people are naturally less sociable. It is not sociability that matters, but the development of social skills such as sharing, compromise, getting on with others.

[roundaboutthetown]

Stable means love, support and attention to me, too, with the addition of it being consistent. It's frightening if the person you rely on the most is inconsistent in their moods and reactions.

[Justnowthisone]

Bluebell1981 could it have been a case that the child was having a bad day, an off day just a clingy day? That their behaviour one that one day does not mirror a pattern? Or that he is going through his own developmental journey and wanted to be with his parents on that day or has been for a few days?

[mintich]

It's true that it's guilt. I wish I could stay at home but money wise she needs to go to nursery. So I tell myself that she'll be well socialised etc etc. It honestly isn't about being better than stay at home

[NerrSnerr]

I genuinely don't feel guilt, my daughter is in nursery 3 days, she's happy at nursery and happy at home. I'd feel different if she wasn't keen but she likes the staff, the children and the activities.

I have no choice though, we don't have the money for one of us not to work.

[Bluebell1981]

Of course it could have been justnowthisone (although past experience would say it's not...); however I just found it slightly ironic given the constant emphasis on the need for childcare for socialisation or to make them less "clingy" (hate that term). I'm perfectly aware that children at home full time can be and will be exactly the same, it was just a bit 'ahem' at all her past statements....

[JassyRadlett]

This group was recently all together and her little one was the only child there NOT to socialise with the other children, and be particularly reluctant to leave his parents when there. I have no idea what the reason is but it did make me smile about the whole socialisation nonsense I've had to listen to over the years!

Aren't you lovely. My DS was like this - incredibly shy and clingy around people he wasn't comfortable with or didn't know well, pretty much from birth.

Nursery did wonders for him - we both worked really, really hard in partnership on his social skills and the amount of courage it took him to even say 'hello' to another child - but christ, it's been a slow and painful process for all of us. For him, his nursery was absolutely the right choice as the socialisation opportunities he would have had otherwise would have played directly into his default - glued to me, refusing to speak to others he only saw once or twice a week for a couple of hours.

He's about to go into Year 1 and is actually pretty good now - still reserved around new people but capable of striking up a conversation with a kid he doesn't know or forming a new friendship at holiday club.

However, always fab to know how those with only more naturally sociable children (like my DS2) view kids like my elder one. I did often wonder.

[Itsjustaphase2016]

It's guilt speaking!!

Language development is absolutely better at home though. I think most parents,sahm or not,would agree with that.a few of my friends have done both:nursery and sahm and they all seem to agree that they and the dc is happier with being at home rather than being at nursery.

But like you say, it's not often possible and nursery is a fine option too