To think nursery isn't *better* for children?

[Anon8604]

I'm part of an NCT group, all of the babies are around a year old. Parents have made a variety of decisions about work and childcare, some back to work full time, some part time and some not returning to work. The babies whose parents are working are all in nursery for between 3 and 5 days a week.

Lately there have been lots of conversations about how the babies are getting on at nursery. Obviously it's great that they are mostly settling in well, but I've felt like some of the comments have bordered on implying that nursery is better than staying at home. FWIW, I think different choices work for different families, not that one is better than the other.

The comments have been stuff like:

"She does so many activities at nursery, way more than you could ever do at home. It's really good for her development, I think she'd miss out on stuff if I kept her at home."

"It's better for them to socialise at an early age. You could always tell the school kids who didn't go to nursery cause they'd stand around at break times on their own."

"Her language is streets ahead compared to a couple of months ago, there's no way she'd have come on so much without nursery."

"It's really hard settling them in, but having an example of a working mum is worth it. I want them to know you have to work for things in life."

AIBU to think they're being a bit judgemental about the people who've chosen to stay home? I feel like if someone said something comparable about staying at home (like they think their child does better with one to one attention or something) then it'd be seen as judging those who are choosing to use a nursery, but somehow criticising people who aren't using nursery seems to be more acceptable?

[Justnowthisone]

These threads (there's a breast and bottle going on right now as well) never fail to boggle my mind.

Thankfully - my profession + my specific niche of expertise in my particular field of academia = makes reading all these accounts massively useful.

As a mother though, the degree of competition around babies is baffling. A says B is competing cos she is guilty and her dc are not advanced. B says A is competing cos she is guilty and her dc are not advanced.

What the actual fuck. What is the point of it all?

[redphonebox]

justnow totally!! It is madness. And yet sometimes I find myself doing it too.

I think it all comes down to money. Someone out there is making a lot of money out of this competition between women.

[Justnowthisone]

And it's al says always always about mothers and what mothers say and do. The entire thing is gendered inside out whether women working outside the home or not. That gendering is firmly rooted in patriarchy and how nice it would be if instead of superficial jibes at each other's apparently "just individual what's works for one" type choices we would focus this competitive attention elsewhere on the structures that shape gendered parenting.

[Bluebell1981]

jassyradlett come on. Where did I state my thoughts on this child? The irony of the situation made me smile, given the constant barbed comments I've endured over the last few years from his mother. Child in question is a lovely little boy. His mother however has repeatedly stated to any parent who is at home how nursery is so essential from baby age to prevent the type of personality traits her son evidently has. this and this alone made me smile.

[JassyRadlett]

Where did I state my thoughts on this child?

Oh please. Your entire post suggested that the 'personality traits' he showed were negative compared to the other children.

His mother may be an arse but you have no way of knowing what the child would have been like without nursery, whether he was having a bad day, whether the other children were being unpleasant to him or have been unpleasant to him in the past and his mother is being too polite to say 'actually, he doesn't want to go off and play because your child is overbearing and unkind' (as I've had to bite my tongue more than once with one friend who is lovely but has a blind spot.)

But 'smile' away. You're clearly the superior parent.

For the record, as I've said upthread, I don't think nurseries are inherently superior at anything - better at some things, worse at others, if it's a good nursery. And a good nursery will work with parents on things the child finds difficult, but neither nursery nor staying at home will easily turn a shy, reserved child into an outgoing one. It's a hell of a process.

[Xmasbaby11]

Dd was in nursery ft from 8 months. She was happy and developed well. Would she have been happier at home with a parent? Possibly, but it wouldn't have worked for either dh or I to give up work. Financial reasons and also keeping career going. There's always a balance between what is best for the child and what is best for the family.

[GetAHaircutCarl]

It's the myopia of new parents, innit?

Imagining that each and every tiny parenting decision will travel down the years like DNA.

Those of us with longer service realise that there are lots of ways to skin a cat and that when things are going well they should be celebrated not looked on with suspicion.

[Bluebell1981]

Obviously hitting a bit of a nerve there......whatever!

[JassyRadlett]

Obviously hitting a bit of a nerve there......whatever!

Not at all! You'd have to try a lot harder. I get it's embarrassing to be wrong about usage when you clearly pride yourself on your parsing ability, and its natural to try to play the person rather than the issue in those circumstances.

[Sleepthief84]

I think different kings work for different families, there's no right or wrongs as long as the babies are happy and well cared for.

I'm the only SAHM out of my NCT group and I used to worry constantly that DD (16 months) would be missing out socially (especially as i don't go to many baby groups) but she's fine. When we go to the park and there's a group of kids she's straight in there playing, not shy at all.

The only difference I can see from my DD to the other babies in the group is they are easier to feed (DD messes about a lot where as they all sit nicely in their high chairs and eat their dinner) which I think comes from the stricter nursery structure and them having less time than me who has all day to arse around with mealtimes and that DD is easier to entertain on her own. She'll quite happily play on her own for a bit while I'm pottering about getting washing done etc whereas the other kids seem to need more constant entertainment probably because they are used to it. Development wise they are all pretty much in the same boat.

Be confident in your own parenting decisions. I've quickly learned there's no group as judgy or competitive as mums. I'm very fortunate that my NCT group have become real friends and although we have the 'what's he/she doing/saying now' conversations it's truly not mean spirited in any way.

[JassyRadlett]

Bluebell - apologies, I got my threads confused and you confused with another poster. Sorry. I have no idea whether you are hung up about adverb clauses.

Yes, I'm happy to admit you struck a nerve because DS1 and I have been on the receiving end of superior comments and attitudes like yours.

Your 'whatever' sums up your attitude tbh. You can think that kids like my DS are inferior and my parenting lacking. I'm pretty chuffed with him nonetheless.

[Bambilovespizza]

I send my dd to nursery and honestly I'm not one bit guilty for it.. I do genuinely think she wouldn't be as advanced as she is at her age if she was at home with me. That's my opinion though and I wouldn't force it on anybody..as mentioned above there is no one size fits all parenting rules for children. Once you are happy with the care your child is receiving and your child is happy and content then who cares ? They are your choices for your children But I can say I don't agree that all parents are feeling guilty for sending their child to nursery. I do agree if it is upsetting you then you should make it be known as the other parents probably don't even realise they have done this..esp if you love the group so much you wouldn't want anything to ruin it for u!

[waitforitfdear]

If the kid is stimulated , happy safe and valued he/she will thrive be that home, nursery. Cm or gran.

Never believe statistics they are all biased.

Stop discussing your kids and meet at the pub or go out and do less boring naval gazing

[Stillwishihadabs]

Does it not depend on the home and the nursery though ? A neglectful home and/ or a depressed care giver isn't great for child development, neither is an over crowded and noisy nursery with little one to one attention or overly strict regimes. What one year olds need to develop is love, attention and stimulation could happen at home or at nursery.

[NataliaOsipova]

It's the myopia of new parents, innit?

Imagining that each and every tiny parenting decision will travel down the years like DNA

That's a good way of putting it! Plus - to state the obvious - you only get to do it once and the way you did it. You don't get to turn back time, try something different and scientifically compare the results. So nobody knows whether or not they made the optimal decision for their child. You just have to do what you think is best at the time and get on with it! Navel gazing, as a pp said, helps nobody.

[mctat]

'I do genuinely think she wouldn't be as advanced as she is at her age if she was at home with me'

Isn't this part of the concern, though - valuing advanced development over secure attachment and well-being. It does seem everything starts earlier and earlier, often before children are ready.

[GetAHaircutCarl]

natalia exactly.

Now my DC are almost adult I have enough hindsight to recognise that most parenting decisions are not that important as a stand alone issue.

Providing they form part of a wider, happy, textured canvas, it's all good. My kids have turned out just great. As have their mates. I doubt their parents made one perfect/optimal decision after another. I know I didn't. But that's okay.

And I'm a firm believer in stressing the positive rather than looking for the negative. If someone says their kid is going well in nursery then chances are they are. And that's great news. Not something to be picked apart and turned sour by other parents with no real interest in the kid.

[Justnowthisone]

Isn't this part of the concern, though - valuing advanced development over secure attachment and well-being

Isn't this part of the concern though - assuming the valuing of development is necessarily done at the expense of/placed over secure attachment and well-being? For instance - our toddler is a fantastically confident and secure child. Thinks the world of mummum, daddy and caawa (carla his childminder). Three loving adults in his life in a picturesque little village and developing and being attached simultaneously. At various points in various conversations we praise the one, and sometimes the other. Both go hand in hand.