To think nursery isn't *better* for children?

[Anon8604]

I'm part of an NCT group, all of the babies are around a year old. Parents have made a variety of decisions about work and childcare, some back to work full time, some part time and some not returning to work. The babies whose parents are working are all in nursery for between 3 and 5 days a week.

Lately there have been lots of conversations about how the babies are getting on at nursery. Obviously it's great that they are mostly settling in well, but I've felt like some of the comments have bordered on implying that nursery is better than staying at home. FWIW, I think different choices work for different families, not that one is better than the other.

The comments have been stuff like:

"She does so many activities at nursery, way more than you could ever do at home. It's really good for her development, I think she'd miss out on stuff if I kept her at home."

"It's better for them to socialise at an early age. You could always tell the school kids who didn't go to nursery cause they'd stand around at break times on their own."

"Her language is streets ahead compared to a couple of months ago, there's no way she'd have come on so much without nursery."

"It's really hard settling them in, but having an example of a working mum is worth it. I want them to know you have to work for things in life."

AIBU to think they're being a bit judgemental about the people who've chosen to stay home? I feel like if someone said something comparable about staying at home (like they think their child does better with one to one attention or something) then it'd be seen as judging those who are choosing to use a nursery, but somehow criticising people who aren't using nursery seems to be more acceptable?

Clearly parents who go on about how they think nursery may actually be better for their baby than staying at home do give a crap, or they wouldn't be giving their opinions to everyone. I've never understood why some are so keen to say that they wouldn't do as much with their children if they were at home with them as they do at nursery, though. They don't do a huge amount with 12 month old babies in nurseries, so it just makes me wonder what their parents would have been doing to fail to live up to that. Nursery, home, childminder, grandparent - they are all just ways of looking after your children. How good or bad they are depends on how good or bad the childcare provider is.

My eldest went to nursery from 10-18 months two days a week - she loved it, she did do loads of activities I wouldn't have done with her (for example full body painting is not my idea of a fun activity for my house!) and I felt really guilty taking her out when I went on maternity leave again! I'd have left her in if it wasn't so expensive.

Most of what your friends say I think is true but there are other advantages to having a parent at home so it's swings and roundabouts. I know plenty of lovely, sociable, well adjusted children who have gone to nursery, gone to a childminder or stayed at home with their parents.

I decided to send my DS1 to nursery two mornings a week when he was 2. I worked from home so didn't have to send him, but did it because 1) I have no family or other free childcare around and wanted to have some one-to-one time with DS2 and 2) DS1 has always been very shy/clingy and I wanted him to gently start getting used to other children and to being in a group environment without me.

My feelings are mixed because actually I DO believe nothing can quite replace the one-to-one care from a parent. But I have felt very annoyed at times when DP's mother has commented on almost every positive development in DS1 "oh that's nursery", as if those two mornings were what drives his every milestone versus the rest of the week that I look after him!

For example: His talking comes on leaps and bounds? "Oh that's nursery." Umm no that's because he's getting older and naturally making progress. He hardly even talked at nursery until very recently because he is so shy whereas he won't shut up when at home lol.

I'm glad I've sent him to nursery but not because it's inherently better for him, but because it's the only time I get alone with baby and I do believe it helps with his shyness, and also i don't think those two mornings away from me cause him any kind of harm.

I would probably feel guilty about sending him to nursery full-time or if he was a lot younger though.

I've worked in nurseries for 20 years, specifically with two year olds and under. I'd defend nurseries as many have misconceptions about them and that children hate it etc but I'm not sure how beneficial they are to babies. I know if you have to work then you have to work but I always feel for parents who have left their 6 month baby with me to work full time etc as you can see the struggle but they have no choice.

Honestly, it's nothing to do with anyone else what people choose to do with their child. Everyone has Mother's guilt and rather than saying "I feel guilty for going to work" or "being a SAHM is not what I expected" it's more socially acceptable to criticise someone else's choice than admit your own feelings.

Sad really.

I don't feel guilty about my children going to nursery until I read threads like this.

Now that I am a nursery veteran with 2 dc there I can confirm that it definitely doesn't suit some dc as well as others. Dd1 was designed for nursery, she loves it and has thrived. DD2 I think would be happier at a childminder. I thought it was the nursery first time round, I've now realised that dd1 probably would have loved any nursery!

I couldn't stay at home because I don't have the patience, if I hadn't gone back to work we would all have fallen out. There's no need to be rude about everyone else.

I'm a bit shocked at all these posters assuming the mothers feel guilty. I think they actually believe nursery has all those benefits you mentioned for their child and don't realise it's upsetting for you to hear how great it is if you've chosen another way.

I personally think it is good (maybe not better though!) for children to do something other than be at home with a parent, even at a young age. But that's not the point. I think I'd be careful about how I phrased opinions like that with other mums.

I would suspect they're probably trying to make each other feel better about using childcare - so many mums feel guilty about doing it and going back to work that I think they're trying to support and encourage each other. They've just been a bit thoughtless if there are SAHPs in the room too. I've definitely said things about how great nursery/childminder is for children - as a way of making a friend feel better who was worrying and feeling guilty about it.

Such a shame there are all these divides between people in parenting. It'd be boring if we were all the same!

Oh and seriously Kerala it absolutely does work the other way. If you are a working mother (not father, no one seems to care about working fathers) and you spend a lot of time with mothers who stay at home with their small children you will absolutely receive comments about your choices. I remember a few mothers being very patronising about how sad it was I was missing out on the joys of being with my children all the time for example. Other comments implied there was something wrong with me for choosing to go to work and that my children would suffer.

I didn't send my children to nursery until they were over two (mainly because my choice was full) but they seemed fine with our nanny and later dh. Not sure why people feel the need to judge, but everyone seems to do it.

My DD went into childcare (a creche) at 3 months (not through choice) and she had delayed development - she was extremely shy socially, did not start walking until 20 months, just generally was not at the level of development others were at her age.

I got all sorts of comments, saying I should have been a SAHM etc and she would have better development.

Ironically, I became a SAHM when she was 4 and she was still the same shy kid, still had delayed development so either did not help.

I think they actually believe nursery has all those benefits you mentioned for their child and don't realise it's upsetting for you to hear how great it is if you've chosen another way.

That's great if so. And if you're right, they won't mind at all if the OP joins in the conversation by listing all the reasons she thinks her staying at home has been beneficial for her child. Except (I suspect, at least) in that scenario, she'd actually be lambasted for being an insensitive so and so.

I've had this. A friend of mine actually did the whole "You should go back to work and send her to nursery" thing to me and I (unusually for me!) felt the need to bite my tongue. Im sure that if I'd said the converse - i.e. "You should take some time off and spend it with your daughter", I'd have been seen as a complete bitch. But one way is seen as okay.

'If it's not guilty then why say it?'
As I already said, they have made a childcare choice, their child is thriving, the parent feels happy and relieved.

I doubt they mean to offend you OP. I'm also not convinced they feel guilty. Perhaps they're just genuinely happy with their choice, as you are with yours.

Have you never said anything which, on reflection, could be taken the wrong way? I know I have, especially in the minefield that is parenting!! Unless they're saying this kind of thing constantly I wouldn't raise it, it's not worth it in an otherwise supportive and lovely group.

I also agree with whatsername. For all the talk of "parenting", it's really mums who are set up to feel like they have to compete about who is doing it better.

Yes I have heard all the things you have heard in group chat and it is frustrating. It is water of a ducks's back now and tend to avoid people who are like this if possible.

It's not personal it's just their experience and yes it's guilt driven for some.

Please remember children develop at their speed in their own way. They all start school at 4(UK) and will have various abilities.

Both my DC have been at home and had a few hours at nursery once 3. They both started school with very different abilities and strengths. It had nothing to do with whether they were at home or nursery.

NCT child groups are socialising children!

For no other reason than balance- some more recent research that says the exact opposite: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/children-of-working-mothers-have-better-social-and-everyday-skills-1.2876589%3fmode=amp

Look, as others have said, I really think some children do better at home and some children do better in nursery and it's probably impossible to tell which one you've got and the difference is negligible anyway. These studies are way too subjective to be definitive. But I do hate the 'women are feeling guilty' line. We're planning our first: it doesn't even occur to my DH to feel guilty about going back. and it's the norm among women I know so it's not like our children will be disadvantaged compared to their peers. I refuse to feel guilty for staying in a career I spent years training for, though I appreciate it may kick in when it comes to it but it's not as inevitable as people seem to think.

Yabu. It's an opinion. Do you feel sensitive about your own choice? Could that be why you're reacting in this way to their opinions?

No one should be feeling guilty about anything. I've done all of it over the last 5 years- stayed at home for a couple of years, put one in nursery and had one with a childminder. It's all been fine both dc are sociable and happy! These threads are just for discussion not to make anyone feel guilty about whatever they are doing.

I think a lot of people judge our parenting choices whether they do it openly or not. It might be breast feeding/formula feeding, traditional or baby led weaning, when or if we go back to work etc. When it comes from other parents I think there can be an element of them trying to justify their own choices which can sometimes come across of being critical of our own choices.

One of my friends with a baby a similar age to mine recently said to me that 'everyone finds their own way' when I was asking her something about our babies. It has really stuck with me and I keep reminding myself of that little phrase when I'm questioning myself. It's made me realise that there's no right or wrong way to do this, and we all find our own way, not a 'right' way.

Thank God my kids are older and we are passed all this NCT group bullshit. You need to remember this women are not your friends. Just people local to you, who could afford the NCT classes at the same time as you. Honestly in years to come you will realise how stupid all this is. Just do what is best for your family. "I am glad you have found some things that works well for your family." might be a good line to keep using over and over.

I have a friend who has just starting saying stuff like this she is back at work soon I think she is just trying to sort it all out in her head so she is ok with leaving her baby fwiw nursery is fine for babies as is staying at home babies generally develop at their own rate and nursery certainly doesn't excellerate development ime

They're supporting each other in their choices.
They may have mothers or in laws criticising their choices so its nice for them to support each other.

Its not about you. If you stay at home you are likely to have waves of approval from family etc. They need each other's support.

Im basing this on my own group of friends obviously.

I has lactation failure with dd1 but successfully bf dd2. I actually had someone ask me if I felt guilty for 'giving dd2 the best start' when I hadn't dd1. I wasnt sure whether she eas saying i should have ff fed dd2 because thats what i did with dd1 or berating me fot not bf. I laughed, it was just too ridiculous. She trotted out the line that she 'couldn't possibly have left her children to go out to work'. I smiled and told her that it must have been lovely, staying at home. She went into great detail about how much she enjoyed it. Good for her - I mean that genuinely. It isn't for me though. She then asked (as dh and I are splitting parental leave) if I was worried that dd2 (who will be 7 months when I go back) will call dh 'mummy'. I laughed again. If i were a first time parent, her comments would have upset me. But, second time around, I've got living proof that dh and I are pretty good at this parenting lark in thr form of dd1. The amount of guilt other people attach to parents is obscene. I don't feel guilty about going back to work. I don't feel guilty about my feeding choices. I love my kids and I want to enjoy them and enjoy my life as much as possible. When I see other mothers doing it differently, I don't judge, because as long as they are happy, who actually cares? Save judgement for those who abuse and neglect, not your average mum and dad who are muddling through in their own way.

For goodness sakè and thank goodness for the sensibly people who realise that most are trying to get through in the way that best suits their circumstances. You come to see very quickly that there's no "one right way" when you get stuck between the self-sacrificing self-righteous village mother and the academic who can't understand why anyone would think a child doesn't benefit from interaction outside the home environment.

There are benefits to nursery and benefits to staying at home.

There's no such thing as a 'perfect' choice, we'd do a lot better if we accepted that and stopped justifying/feeling guilty/getting defensive/beating ourselves and each other up.

Everyone tries to make as good a choice as possible within their individual circumstances. That's all we can do.