To think nursery isn't *better* for children?

[Anon8604]

I'm part of an NCT group, all of the babies are around a year old. Parents have made a variety of decisions about work and childcare, some back to work full time, some part time and some not returning to work. The babies whose parents are working are all in nursery for between 3 and 5 days a week.

Lately there have been lots of conversations about how the babies are getting on at nursery. Obviously it's great that they are mostly settling in well, but I've felt like some of the comments have bordered on implying that nursery is better than staying at home. FWIW, I think different choices work for different families, not that one is better than the other.

The comments have been stuff like:

"She does so many activities at nursery, way more than you could ever do at home. It's really good for her development, I think she'd miss out on stuff if I kept her at home."

"It's better for them to socialise at an early age. You could always tell the school kids who didn't go to nursery cause they'd stand around at break times on their own."

"Her language is streets ahead compared to a couple of months ago, there's no way she'd have come on so much without nursery."

"It's really hard settling them in, but having an example of a working mum is worth it. I want them to know you have to work for things in life."

AIBU to think they're being a bit judgemental about the people who've chosen to stay home? I feel like if someone said something comparable about staying at home (like they think their child does better with one to one attention or something) then it'd be seen as judging those who are choosing to use a nursery, but somehow criticising people who aren't using nursery seems to be more acceptable?

Your data for that sweeping statement Wigan?

I think there will be an element of people justifying their own decisions but I think to attribute it wholly to that is unfair.
I was very happy sending my 2 to nursery and going back to work.
The learning curve effect of the first year or so at nursery for my 2 was such that if you compared them with bumps and babes babies of sahp's (and obviously comparing babies is not exactly a good idea at any point because they all do things in their own time) they were definitely doing things earlier, copying older children (bit like younger siblings but just lots of them) & I openly admitted that they were doing more at nursery than they would have done at home.
However fast forward a few years and you wouldn't know from Dd1's yr1 cohort who had sahps and who didn't so I would say it's just the stage you are at now rather than an indicator of the future.

That study is so out of date it was written 6 years before my 6yo was born. Don't even get me started on the whole 'transfer- mother' rubbish. Is that what my dh is going to be when he stays at home with dd2? Nope. He will be her dad. She will love it and so will he.

Oh I had this. It wound me up a bit at the time but, as pps said, they were probably just trying to make themselves feel better. There is no way in hell that a 1yo "misses out" by staying home with a primary care giver and no 1yo needs to "learn to socialise". That's bollocks.

I've got no issue with people doing what's best for them and their children and of course that may well be very different, but it's not "demeaning other people's choices" to post research that arrived at generally accepted conclusions. Nor is it "demeaning other people's choices" to suggest that mothers who are very vocal about how great nursery is may well be aware of the research and feel guilty and therefore feel the need to justify their choices.

If it suits you to send your children to nursery, great! If you'd rather stay at home, no worries! No need to bang on about how well your choice is working out for you. It's a sensitive subject best left well alone.

FWIW OP I'd politely agree with them (their nurseries do sound great, after all) and refrain from commenting.

Chatting with a friend who taught Kindergarten, she said she could tell which children had access to preschool and which had stayed home with a parent. By the end of the first year, there was no difference.
I had one who loved preschool, and two who had no access to it due to where we had moved to. All did well in school once they started.
I think everyone wants the best for their child and whatever choice they make, they will try to justify it.

I had this too. When I quit work I was told that it was "career suicide", "oh how lovely for you but I need my own identity" "oh I could never let my husband have that much power over me" and the usual gumph about socialising and it being better for children blah blah blah. Even when I started my own company working from home this was sneered at as. It "real" work (even though when I tell them what I do they get green sit with jealousy).

My eldest is well socialised and hitting all her milestones and when she turns 3 she'll go to nursery.

I think it's judgey from both sides truthfully and it's all down to guilt, which is par for the course as a parent.

They have made a childcare choice, their child is thriving and they are relieved and happy.

Spot on. OP, this isn't. about. you.

For my money, some aspects of our (brilliant) nursery are better than I could provide at home; other aspects DH or I probably are better. It's about the net result - and for us, I'm satisfied that for us, the best result is two parents working nearly full time and four days at nursery.

the research is all terribly done or well done but only focuses on a tiny slice of child development.

Ignore anyone on Mumsnet who says "the research."

There are way too many variables to measure, too many different nurseries, different parents, and different kids.

Do what is best for you and your family.

I think that for families who can't or won't provide stimulation and consistent care at home Nursery is better

For most people, it's good-enough which is all any of us can aim for.

I agree it's not about you. Us mothers needs reassurance we are doing the good-enough thing, and if no0ne else provides that reassurance, we do it ourselves

YANBU. Brings back memories. I remember going home and sobbing after an NCT meet up which felt like a barrage of comments you describe.

As a SAHM at that time I was SO careful never to comment on or criticise anyones choice yet somehow it didn't cut both ways...

The other classic was "I need to use my brain" said by a rather thick woman to a room full of super bright SAHMs.

agree - this is guilt. they just try to justify their choice (or also non choice - going back to work with a young child isn't often choice but pur nessecity). I had to go back to work with mine early and I felt absolutely awful about it (my oldest has complex SN which made it even harder for me). it just leaves you guilt ridden and you constantly feel you have to justify yourself.

just count your lucky stars that you are able to look after your DC at home. I bet secretly some of your friends really envy you.

KERALA

I have experienced that.
I think that when people upset me now I just think "this is about you not about me" because it almost always is

Don't take it personally.
It is like having a nanny: a good one is great. One stuck to their iPhone is a bloody disaster.
Nursery worked for me but I man you which were not ideal.

Also its a cringeworthy new parent thing. As they get older you cop on to yourself and are much much more careful about discussing your parenting choices and your child (with the exception of the odd less intelligent person). With your first when they are tiny its all so raw and most people are feeling a little insecure.

My 11 year old starts secondary in September and during the choosing school process every single parent was so so careful not to discuss choices or in anyway criticise any of the local schools. Such a contrast to this first decision of loud over justification of your own choice implicitly putting down others. Sounds sanctimonious but as a parent you learn this stuff and your friends will improve at it.

I don't think a one year old is 'better' at nursery, but I do think going to pre school or nursery before school is better for the child, when DD started school you could see which children had just been at home and which went to nursery, it helps prepare them for the 'school day', sharing, socialisation, listening to other adults, understanding the differences for quiet time, circle time, play time etc.

What @KERALA1 said. I've just had my second and in groups of mum's talking about feeding/sleeping/nursery I really couldn't give a shit about other people do things now

Last time I would have cried and over analysed etc

Yes Everything when they are 3 - the OP is talking about 1 year olds good luck with circle time and "socialisation" for them!

I sent my child to nursery at 11months for 3 days a week and felt no guilt whatsoever. He got four days at home with me or his dad and 3 days doing other things with other children.

I couldn't give a crap what other people do. I did note that all the precious sahm that had been attempting to load n the guilt (who I soon stopped being 'friends' with and not to be confused with the nice non judgemental ones) were front of the queue for their 3 year old place!

I think it's judgemental to say 'it's guilt'. I didn't feel guilty because dd loved nursery. I missed her though. There really isn't anything to feel guilty about either. I wonder how many dad's feel guilty, or are expected to feel guilty, because their child goes to nursery?

I am one of those mothers, and it is totally about guilt. For me not working was totally out of the question and I felt absolutely terrible about it. So I justified it to myself with comments like this. I wouldn't have said this to a SAHM but I did use this sort of thing as a justification in general conversation.

Six years on, I don't think my dd suffered from the fact that she was in full time childcare. I don't think she would necessarily have been happier or better adjusted if she had been at home with me. It's impossible to know so I don't beat myself up about it. And it would have been the same if she had been at home. The bottom line is that there is very little very compelling scientific data on either side of this argument.

It must be irritating to have to keep biting your tongue in situations like this. But the point you seem to be missing is that the weight of history and rhetoric is very much on your side and the received wisdom has been that mothers who work from when their children are small are selfish or in some way inferior.

As it increasingly appears that there is no definitive answer on either side, some of us may feel just a teensy bit that we are not as bad as we've been painted and that may embolden us to stick up for ourselves and argue that, just maybe, we are not selfish, money-grubbing career bitches or flakes who weren't able to attract that kind of man who would support us.

With the greatest possible respect to you and your life choices, it behoves those of you who have the luxury of being able to stay at home with their children to allow us the dignity of being able to argue our case and sometimes that may mean biting your tongue.

Nursery is not 'better' for children. It is a barely adequate, though sometimes necessary, substitute for family care. People have to reconcile themselves to the choices they have made, so they talk up any positives they can imagine.

It reminds me of the breastfeeding issue. I breastfed dd. I didn't tell anyone they should breastfeed their babies or criticise them for not doing so. But they felt criticised because I was breastfeeding and they weren't (this was in the 1980s). People will see you spending so much time with your little one, OP, and feel that perhaps they ought to be doing that, and come up with so many reasons why their way is better. It's not. It might be all they can manage right now, but it isn't better.

I agree it is guilt and trying to make themselves feel better about going back to work. It is natural to try to assure themselves they are not detrimentally affecting their babies by working and putting their babies in nursery. That often turns into singing the praises and benefits of childcare and is quite natural and normal. It probably hasn't occurred to them how it is coming across about SAHMs. After a few months, that kind of talk tends to settle down.

If its not "guilt" then why do it?

I would have been seen rightly as an insensitive dick if I had regaled a WOHM about the wonders of staying at home and benefit to my baby so the OP has a point that it doesn't seem to work the other way.

As I and others have said all this settles down anyway but having your first baby is emotive and brings out the inner dick in many of us am sure us older mums look back and cringe at some of the stuff we did in the early days know I do

I think that we are all inclined to notice the comments we perceive as critical and not really notice the neutral or supportive ones so much. For every mother who feels got at for staying at home with their child there will be another mother who feels undermined for using childcare.

One of the things I liked about going back to work is that the majority of my co-workers were parents. Being a parent with a baby was just considered normal and so didn't elicit comments at all.