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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want the other parents/nursery to do more?

308 replies

PeoniesGinandBags · 27/07/2017 09:08

Okay so here goes...

DC goes to a lovely local nursery that I've always been happy with. Great staff, lots of activities etc. About 6 months ago another child started at the nursery - M.

We've had the usual ups and downs of nursery as children adjust, start/stop biting etc etc so I'm used to dealing with 'issues' and appreciate (being a teacher myself) that no child is perfect, two sides to every story etc.

However... M is a bloody nightmare.

On 3 occasions M has assaulted my child - yesterday getting hold of DC's hair with two hands and hitting it off the dinner table. These are not isolated cases. Two weeks ago I was collecting DC from nursery and I witnessed M casually walking over to another child, pushing them over and walking off. A week prior to that there was an incident involving M putting her hands around the neck of the same child she pushed over.

When I've spoken to nursery before about M they told me that it's 'in hand' and that 'someone was coming that day to do an observation of her'. I don't know who this would be?

To compound the issue (for me anyway) I witnessed M having a temper tantrum as Mum was collecting them from nursery. M wanted a toy that belonged to another child and M's Mum simply said to the other child, "Can you just let M have the toy for the night?" followed by lots of other attempts to 'reason' with M.

I'm sick to the back teeth of DC doing what they should, reporting things to the staff, not shouting/hitting back but to be honest enough is enough. It just seems that M is out of control. I can see there are issues for her but things seem to be escalating to an alarming degree.

Any advice? I called nursery this morning ahead of dropping DC off and said that I wanted to escalate my concerns, that we had had a bad night with DC after what had happened yesterday etc and I'm waiting to hear back from them. I have suggested (but don't know at all if this would be helpful) that I want a meeting with a senior member of staff at nursery as well as M's parents so that we can discuss strategies for a way forward (to be blunt - stop pandering to the tantrums and see the effect this is having on others). ARGH!!! I'm hopping mad but trying hard not to be unreasonable.

AIBU???

OP posts:

PurpleMinionMummy · 27/07/2017 16:19

The nursery should be finding out the 'best way' for children to respond to M and encourage this. Whilst you have every right to know what strategies nursery have in place to deal with this behaviour, you do not have the right to quiz M's parents on what works at home! I can't believe the nursery would even entertain this idea. Are M's parents meant to facilitate these meetings for all the other parents too?

I'm not even sure what to make of the supporting kids with an IEP comment. It's like you're totally oblivious to all that's beyond that.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/07/2017 16:20

Finally there are lots of people assuming that behaviour problems seem to be outside the control of an individual/their family

Jesus Christ. So glad you're not teaching my DS! What a vile and clearly ignorant attitude.

This is why it's best to keep parents out of things like this, the parents become all overemotional and a bit batshit and it all gets tangled up instead of anything constructive being done.

8misskitty8 · 27/07/2017 16:21

Can't believe the nursery are setting up a meeting between you. That is not normal practice. Nursery also should not be telling you anything about the child including about someone coming in to observe.

As a teacher you don't seem to have any grasp of asn/additional needs either.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/07/2017 16:22

you do not have the right to quiz M's parents on what works at home! I can't believe the nursery would even entertain this idea

They wouldn't purpleminion. Anyone who knows anything about SENs and or safeguarding will know this is bollocks.

thunderyclouds · 27/07/2017 16:25

It sounds to me that the issue isn't about the child, it is about the nursery. The staff do not seem to have the time, resources or expertise to manage the situation, and until they do they should not be allowed to run a room where dcs are at risk of assault. I'd remove my dc like a shot in this situation, not because I have a problem with SENs, but because I have a problem with poor childcare. The nursery is failing all the dcs in its care, those with and those without SENs.

I agree that a meeting with the parents of the other child is not appropriate.

Kleinzeit · 27/07/2017 16:26

They have arranged a meeting next week for me, the nurser manager and the parent's of the other child to speak about what is happening at nursery.

Ouch. I guess M's parents are still naive but the nursery manager should know better.

I do think (and have found) that sitting down together to work through joint strategies can help. For example, what have the parents found to be the 'best way' for children to respond to M's behaviour? Is there anything that works at home

You are confusing two different situations. Sometimes a school can resolve a specific issue between two older children by getting both sides and their parents together. But this isn't a specific issue between two children, M is a child with a problem who is lashing out at different children.

And you can discuss discipline as a teacher, but it is not your place as a parent to discuss M's needs or approaches to discipline. That is confidential, it should be between M's parents and the nursery and other professionals. Your involvement would break all kinds of professional boundaries.

Maybe you can see why it's such bad practice to have this meeting? Not your problem if it all goes tits-up but I wouldn't like to be the nursery manager if M's parents get any legal/professional advice.

Ev1lEdna · 27/07/2017 16:26

And I know I'm probably being unreasonable but I do feel like saying - just discipline the child!!! She strangled someone FFS!!!

You teach? You sound very ill informed, as a teacher you should probably already know that it isn't that simple with children with SEN. M may be disciplined but it may not be working. Honestly I worry about my child having a teacher like you.

Spikeyball · 27/07/2017 16:28

I think the whole thing is bollocks and I've commented so people know you can't go around demanding meetings with the parents of other children.

Msqueen33 · 27/07/2017 16:29

My dc attends a preschool and is diagnosed with asd and ADHD. If I'd have been made to have a meeting with the preschool and another parent I would have felt beyond awful and judged. I've had meetings with the professionals and her preschool but another parent is awful. Really bad practise.

I hope OP you're never on the other side of this. And that your child sails through life never having any issues. Whilst I understand you want to protect your child your comments are so far out of line it's unreal.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/07/2017 16:29

Nursery also should not be telling you anything about the child including about someone coming in to observe.

Yep. Even I wasn't told when someone was coming in to observe DS. They didn't want me to warn him as they didn't want him to be prepared (he masks a lot). They told me someone was coming in but not when. It ended up with more than one professional observing him on the same day and they got a proper assessment of him as it was just any other day to him.

If I was M's parents I'd be fucking furious that the school was sharing info about my child with another parent. The fact you're a teacher should have no bearing on whether you got told or not.

To he honest it sounds like the only reason they've told you is because you've exasperated them. I know all too well what its like ti have a child jot want to go to school. I had it with my DD for over a year and I will always carry the guilt that I forced her to go. But I was always co-operative with the school when I had very good reason not to be. It doesn't sound like you are co-operating well with them.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/07/2017 16:32

If I'd have been made to have a meeting with the preschool and another parent I would have felt beyond awful and judged

If I'd have been made to have another meeting with the parents I'd be withdrawing my child with SENs out of that school sharpish because there's clearly favouritism going on.

I have never known of a situation where the parents of NURSERY kids have had to meet to solve things.

BhajiAllTheWay · 27/07/2017 16:33

Can't think of and never known a setting where this kind of meeting between parents would be organised. In my experience this just doesn't happen.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/07/2017 16:34

think the whole thing is bollocks and I've commented so people know you can't go around demanding meetings with the parents of other children.

Me too spikeyball. Can you imagine if everyone was granted meetings to sort out why tom keeps twatting sally? The poor staff would never have any time left to err,teach.

34AQuid · 27/07/2017 16:35

The nursery sounds poor.

For them to even consider this meeting is highly unprofessional and inappropriate if the child has potential SN (sounds very much like it).

Your problem is the nursery's inability to manage a situation properly, not a 4 yr old.

Kleinzeit · 27/07/2017 16:36

There is such a thing as free will! We can't reduce everything to a set of 'symptoms' or a condition.

What a peculiar thing to say. What does free will have to do with a four year old lashing out?

I was not expecting ANY personal details about child

Even knowing that the child is being observed is personal and breaking confidentiality.

All you are entitled to know about is what directly affects your child. Surely as a teacher you've dealt with that, and with parents who think they have the right to know things they don't?

Notreallyarsed · 27/07/2017 16:37

As I've said before, and will no doubt have to again, you have no right to know what is going on with M's home life, nursery support or anything else. The thought that M's parents are to sit and be castigated by you and that it is being facilitated by the nursery turns my stomach.
Yes, nursery and M's parents need to work together to help M to make positive choices at nursery, but you have no right at all to be there.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/07/2017 16:38

I'd not put my child in a nursery so quick to share another child's information and put their parents through this kind of crap. I bet the parents aren't even aware of what absolutely shockingly bad practice this is.

And you, clearly, could do with updating your safeguarding training.

^^Everything YouTheCat said. X 1000.

BarbarianMum · 27/07/2017 16:38

Another victory for righteous stupidity. How depressing.

nuttyknitter · 27/07/2017 16:40

How sad that you're a teacher. You really should know better than to expect details of other people's children, to show no understanding of a child with potential SEN and to be so judgemental. You give teachers a bad name.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/07/2017 16:40

Basically Kleinzeit. It's a roundabout way of saying you don't believe the child has any additional needs.

Because we all know how piss easy it is to get the assessment ball rolling in the first place...

Runninglikeamummy · 27/07/2017 16:43

The most frustrating thing about disablist shit comments is that in most cases those who make them don't realise that they're being massively discriminatory. They think, wrongly, that all behaviour is a direct result of parenting and schooling.

It isn't.

Jaxhog · 27/07/2017 16:44

Meet with the nursery and ask them for a detailed plan of how they are going to keep your child safe. Forget about M - bluntly, she's not your concern.

This

Kleinzeit · 27/07/2017 16:47

Meet with the nursery and ask them for a detailed plan of how they are going to keep your child safe. Forget about M - bluntly, she's not your concern.

This indeed, and it's been said before but the OP's not listening.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/07/2017 16:47

Really it is the Nursery fault, they shod be ensuring your child is safe, but they are not. They are at fault, not a young child with possible SN. My dd sounded like M at that age, she is now 10, has a DX of ASD, learning difficulties, SPD,and is in a specialist school. My dd would hit, bite other children as she was distressed, the mum sounds worn out. I used to do the same as her to prevent a meltdown. On the face of it, looks like she is a spoiled child, but you are treading on eggshells trying to manage the equilibrium.

A meeting with the parents would not have helped, as you know nothing about my child or their needs. It would have made me feel bad. Mabey that setting is not thevrightvone for the child, that is what the nursery have to broach with the parents.

If it continues, I word find another setting for your child.

WildernessWhale · 27/07/2017 16:47

She strangled someone FFS!!!

This stood out to me.

Knowing absolutely nothing about the situation, I am wondering if there is a lot more going on in this child's life than you are aware of. If so, the staff, have rightly kept it confidential and are possibly helping a child through some very difficult feelings and emotions.

You have no right to tell them how to manage a child in their own setting, particularly when you don't know the backstory to this child's behaviour.

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