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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To want the other parents/nursery to do more?

308 replies

PeoniesGinandBags · 27/07/2017 09:08

Okay so here goes...

DC goes to a lovely local nursery that I've always been happy with. Great staff, lots of activities etc. About 6 months ago another child started at the nursery - M.

We've had the usual ups and downs of nursery as children adjust, start/stop biting etc etc so I'm used to dealing with 'issues' and appreciate (being a teacher myself) that no child is perfect, two sides to every story etc.

However... M is a bloody nightmare.

On 3 occasions M has assaulted my child - yesterday getting hold of DC's hair with two hands and hitting it off the dinner table. These are not isolated cases. Two weeks ago I was collecting DC from nursery and I witnessed M casually walking over to another child, pushing them over and walking off. A week prior to that there was an incident involving M putting her hands around the neck of the same child she pushed over.

When I've spoken to nursery before about M they told me that it's 'in hand' and that 'someone was coming that day to do an observation of her'. I don't know who this would be?

To compound the issue (for me anyway) I witnessed M having a temper tantrum as Mum was collecting them from nursery. M wanted a toy that belonged to another child and M's Mum simply said to the other child, "Can you just let M have the toy for the night?" followed by lots of other attempts to 'reason' with M.

I'm sick to the back teeth of DC doing what they should, reporting things to the staff, not shouting/hitting back but to be honest enough is enough. It just seems that M is out of control. I can see there are issues for her but things seem to be escalating to an alarming degree.

Any advice? I called nursery this morning ahead of dropping DC off and said that I wanted to escalate my concerns, that we had had a bad night with DC after what had happened yesterday etc and I'm waiting to hear back from them. I have suggested (but don't know at all if this would be helpful) that I want a meeting with a senior member of staff at nursery as well as M's parents so that we can discuss strategies for a way forward (to be blunt - stop pandering to the tantrums and see the effect this is having on others). ARGH!!! I'm hopping mad but trying hard not to be unreasonable.

AIBU???

OP posts:
cansu · 27/07/2017 12:54

You have already decided based on your very limited knowledge decided that the child lacks discipline. The child may well have a disabilty such as autism. Thus far discipline has not been found to cure this neurological condition. You are being ridiculous.

Urubu · 27/07/2017 13:15

This reply has been deleted

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Spikeyball · 27/07/2017 13:33

Because they are small children and not adults. It's not mn viewpoint, it's the law.

Notreallyarsed · 27/07/2017 13:35

Nobody is saying what is happening to OPs child is acceptable, but the pack mentality of savaging a small child (M) and virtually writing them off is disgusting. It happens all too often on here, as if a child can just be written off rather than helped.
And as for the "special needs or not", just fuck right off. That shite is only ever spouted by people who have fuck all understanding of having a child with SN and the crap they face daily.

Spikeyball · 27/07/2017 13:39

I don't understand why the OP has started this thread given that she is a teacher and knows how the system works.

YouTheCat · 27/07/2017 13:43

There's some right disablist bullshit on this thread.

Notreallyarsed · 27/07/2017 13:47

YouTheCat unfortunately this thread is following an all too familiar pattern. Disablist shite being spouted all over the place by NIMBYs who are all right on until it means their child has to be in the same room as a child with SN. Then their true attitude becomes depressingly clear.

YogiYoni · 27/07/2017 13:51

In some ways the 'special needs or not' thing is relevant here. Special needs or not, we're talking about four year olds. The only person the op need worry about is her DD and the only way she can do that is via the nursery staff and focusing on her DD's needs. Suggesting a four year old is the same as an adult abuser is just batshit.

GreenTulips · 27/07/2017 13:54

until it means their child has to be in the same room as a child with SN

Are you suggesting that all SN kids are violent?

OPs child has right to be safe in school - however that is implemented.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/07/2017 13:56

When I've spoken to nursery before about M they told me that it's 'in hand' and that 'someone was coming that day to do an observation of her'. I don't know who this would be?

The someone coming to do an observation of M sounds like she suspects she may have SENs. It took bloody YEARS and a school move before anyone came in and observed DS.

YABU. I know it's hard but you have to leave the school to deal with it.

Notreallyarsed · 27/07/2017 13:57

No I'm not suggesting that at all, and it's kids with SN not "SN kids". Don't put words in my mouth, I never suggested anything of the kind unlike several posters on here who routinely generalise

Yes OPs child does have the right to be safe in nursery, I've never suggested otherwise, but the usual disablist and negative shite on here is ridiculous. I've posted twice about how OP can speak to the nursery staff and find ways of keeping her child safe within nursery. However we now have people making snotty comments about kids with SN and even one comparing a 4 yo child to an adult abuser. Beyond ridiculous.

midnightmisssuki · 27/07/2017 14:00

we had this very situation in my daughters nursery. A boy who went round hitting everyone, kicking everyone, biting everyone. We brought it up (we were not the only ones) loads of times, and was told he had mohave 1-1 care, but that didn't really help. In the end, he moved to SF so that ended that issue. Not sure if he has SEN or not, but i did once catch him jumping off a short book case directly onto my daughter. It was not nice to say the least. Good luck OP.

greendale17 · 27/07/2017 14:01

YANBU- I wouldn't won't my child in the same class as M

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/07/2017 14:04

I am always amazed at this MN viewpoint that children can be abused by other children school but protecting the abusers privacy in case there is SN is placed above protecting the victim.

See it didn't take long for the SNs bashing to start. Hmm

An old friend of mine had two lovely DCa with autism. They always used to refer to it as "it is a reason for their behaviour, not an excuse".

Whilst this is true. It is a disability that causes these sort of behaviours and as such needs to be accomadated. DS is one of two boys in his class with ASD. DS is of the shy, reserved type, the other is 'fly off the handle at the slightest thing'. When DS had a very public meltdown at Christmas. The staff had to handle him differently to how they do the other boy. This is the very purpose of why people come into to assess children the school is concerned about, for example, after DSs assessment. We were given a report, it was followed with a list of recommendations on how to talk to DS to get him to communicate with you effectively, and so he isn't taken advantage of by other children (getting him to do the naughty things to impress them) it then went on with a short list of the best way to deal with him when it came to bad behaviour. Im sure his bad behaviour recommendations were very different to the other boys.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/07/2017 14:08

If I was being abused daily by someone at work and HR was saying they are doing something to protect me but can't say what I wouldn't accept it! Why is it acceptable when it is small children??

Adults are deemed responsible for their actions given why the criminal age of responsibility is over the age of 10. Not between 3&5.

HTH.

Notreallyarsed · 27/07/2017 14:10

I should really know better than to come on these threads, some of the attitudes on here are awful, just awful. This is the world my children need to find their way in, a world of intolerance, negativity, ignorance, stereotyping and dismissiveness.

MrsOverTheRoad · 27/07/2017 14:11

I am astounded a TEACHER would say "Just discipline the child!"

What the actual fuck did they teach you when you trained?

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/07/2017 14:18

Just discipline the child ffs

Yeah sorry. Excuse me why I go beat seven shades of shit out my son.

Should sort his autism right out... Hmm

YogiYoni · 27/07/2017 14:19

@NotReallyArsed - I teach my children to 'look for the helpers'. In this case, look for the reasonable people. They're the ones you're most likely to surround yourself and your children with. The others, well, I don't really have any words (not kind Ines anyway)

Notreallyarsed · 27/07/2017 14:22

YogiYoni that's a really good idea, I'll try that with my 3. Thankfully the younger two are in the same class this year so they at least have each other.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 27/07/2017 14:23

P.s you're not going to get a meeting over this. I remember cert vividly after dropping DD off after a hospital appointment. Two boys kicking the crap put of each other in the lunch queue. That same day. At pickup time. The same lads were seen running to football club hand in hand like nothing ever happened.

My DD was badly bullied and I never once had a meeting with their parents. It was all done through the proper channels. Like it should be.

Leave the school to deal with it (they deal with this stuff 10x a day all the time). If you're still not happy. Then move your DC.

HappyFeetAgain · 27/07/2017 14:25

Yanbu, where I am this type of behaviour would not be tolerated. What usually happens is the parents are addressed and work together with the school and the child is monitored. If It persists then the parents have to remove their child. This is very fair.
Whether the child has SN or not, it does not excuse bad behaviour or problems towards other children.

bigmac4me · 27/07/2017 14:30

I have suggested (but don't know at all if this would be helpful) that I want a meeting with a senior member of staff at nursery as well as M's parents so that we can discuss strategies for a way forward (to be blunt - stop pandering to the tantrums and see the effect this is having on others). ARGH!!! I'm hopping mad but trying hard not to be unreasonable.

As a parent of children with special needs (now adult) I am not only aghast at your suggested but also very upset. How dare you, how dare you make demands of M's parents. How dare you! Can other parents really demand we share their private information with them! Disgusting.

My children were adopted (none of other parent's business) and had a horrific past (none of other parent's business) and medical and learning disabilities (none of other parent's business). I would never have told any of their history or conditions to another parent, only to other professionals within the nursery/school/college And should any nursery/school/college ever share information on my children with parents I would have been as appalled by them as I am appalled by you. Are you really a teacher - good God!

As I said my children were adopted and I am now a foster carer, mainly looking after those with behavioural difficulties. So as well as the above, I would not be allowed to discuss them with other parents, even if that parent had demanded a meeting. I would be struck off as a foster carer for even the suggestion of sharing their issues with another parent.

You responsibility starts and ends with your child. As M's parents do with her.

I sincerely hope the issues are resolved with your child, and I do understand you are (misguidely) wanting to help. But please believe this is the wrong way. Good luck.

bigmac4me · 27/07/2017 14:33

Also....be honest, are you really a teacher? I Do you really believe "just disicpline the child" is the cure for any mental, physical or emotional special needs? You must be the same teacher who believed my son with Tourettes and ADHD would be cured by sitting on his hands.

coffeekittens · 27/07/2017 14:33

Are you really a teacher OP? I'm absolutely gobsmacked at your sheer ignorance and lack of knowledge regarding safeguarding and confidentiality.