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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won't go down on me

242 replies

holeinyourhead · 26/07/2017 15:31

My DH of 13 years won't go down on me. Probably stopped doing it after about a year after we met. He said he doesn't like doing it and as I wasn't the most confident person at the time in bed I meekly accepted it. We've since had two lovely kids and life ticks over fine. We have a good relationship in every other respect.

I still go down on him because I quite like doing it, and it gets us both going. He also has some severe performance anxiety issues so this is all part of what can be an endless fluffing procedure if I'm honest. We hardly ever do it anyway and it's always me that initiates it. I have recently lost a lot of weight and gone down two dress sizes, and am feeling amazing, but it has made no impact on my DH who is very affectionate but I just think he doesn't fancy me all that much anymore. On every other level he's a lovely man and I love him dearly. But with this weight loss has come a new confidence, I am being noticed by men again, and my libido is through the roof. He is oblivious. He's supportive of the weight loss but isn't interested in jumping my bones, he's just tired all the time.

Lately I have found myself having some highly inappropriate discussions with a married someone I met online - I am not proud of this but I am severely frustrated, judge me all you like, I know some of you will - and when he discovered I wasn't getting this from my DH he was shocked and it's now made me think about what I have been putting up with for all this time. I haven't mentioned it to anyone, ever, out of loyalty to my DH, but I am now starting to think I have a bit of a raw fucking deal to be honest. I mentioned this sexual imbalance to my DH last night and he just smiled, shrugged and had nothing much to say about it. Gave me a cuddle but to be honest with you all, I am seething. AIBU to think this is a bit out of order? Any suggestions how I improve marital relations? I know this discussion with the online person is totally wrong but please forgive me for being a fallible, massively frustrated human being in the middle of a midlife crisis. Hope you can help.

OP posts:
YoullShootYourEyeOut · 26/07/2017 20:39

I wasn't trying to be offensive WhatToDoAboutThis2017, it's just my own preference. May be I should have worded it better. "I hate the pre pubescent look on myself". Sorry to have upset you, women are entitled to do what they like to their own bodies. Smile

YoullShootYourEyeOut · 26/07/2017 20:41

Notknownatthisaddress Grin

demirose87 · 26/07/2017 21:00

Haven't read all the thread sorry so am just responding to OP. I think the reason behind why he won't give you oral sex is the deal breaker here. If it's because he feels strongly about doing it and is horrible for him to do, then I think you're unreasonable to expect him to and I think you shouldn't push the subject. He has the right to not do an act that he potentially hates. If it's because he's lazy and not taking your likes and turn ons into consideration, then you have a right to feel hurt and need to explain how you feel. You have the right to be in a sexually fulfilling relationship, feel attractive and wanted by your partner. Relationships are all about give and take and making our partner feel good about themselves is a part of it ,while they in turn do things for us. I think an affair would be the wrong way to go about it. If your mismatched sex drives are ultimately going to push you apart, then maybe its time to accept your relationship has run its course.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 26/07/2017 21:18

I wasn't trying to be offensive WhatToDoAboutThis2017, it's just my own preference. May be I should have worded it better. "I hate the pre pubescent look on myself". Sorry to have upset you, women are entitled to do what they like to their own bodies. smile

I appreciate you're not trying to be deliberately offensive, but saying that women who choose to shave their pubic hair off look pre-pubescent is offensive.

GinaFordCortina · 26/07/2017 21:31

You get pubic hair when you go through puberty. It's a trend that's come with porn and making women look 'barely legal'. Be offended by that rather than someone factually discussing pubic hair.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 26/07/2017 21:33

I am not offended by the porn industry. I am offended when women use negative and untrue terms about other women's bodies to make them feel better about themselves.

GinaFordCortina · 26/07/2017 21:33

have a feeling most of you have not gone down on a fat woman before or a hairy one, I suggest you do it before judging me cause you will never want to do it again

Oh I'm MaryMoore I think you'll find all lesbians and a good chunk of straight men solely gave oral to hairy women before 10 years ago.

You didn't invent sex. Don't assume everyone hasn't tried it.

DJBaggySmalls · 26/07/2017 21:33

Many people find shaved pubenda appears prepubescent. Its not an unusual reaction.

GinaFordCortina · 26/07/2017 21:34

And? Do you think you reserve some right to it be offended?

GinaFordCortina · 26/07/2017 21:34

Not be offended

YoullShootYourEyeOut · 26/07/2017 22:54

I appreciate you're not trying to be deliberately offensive, but saying that women who choose to shave their pubic hair off look pre-pubescent is offensive

I didn't actually say that at all, I didn't even mention other women in the context of that remark. I don't care if you shave your pubic hair WhatToDoAboutThis2017, I just don't like the look myself. Your body, your choice. I am all for female empowerment to do what they want with their bodies, the actual focus of my post was fat shaming, so why are you concentrating on something I have already apologised to you for??

YoullShootYourEyeOut · 26/07/2017 22:58

And I don't need to feel better about myself WhatToDoAboutThis2017, I am pretty happy with my natural look down below and my OH thinks it's pretty awesome too! Wink

Arealhumanbeing · 26/07/2017 23:09

Could you all stop arguing about pubes?

Last time OP checked in she was crying.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 26/07/2017 23:11

Because you're still using the offensive term. Whether it's in regards to yourself or not it is offensive to others. It's the term I have the problem with.

YoullShootYourEyeOut · 26/07/2017 23:28

Nobody else has complained about it, jeez. I am not being, aggressive, nasty or abusive, it is simply a descriptive term that I used about how I view it myself. Let's just leave it now.

kmc1111 · 26/07/2017 23:47

Leave him. He has a right to not do anything he doesn't want to, but as the result of that is that you have a terrible, unsatisfying sex life that's entirely about his needs, it is an incredibly shit deal for you. So leave and find someone who's interested in actually satisfying you.

I'd say the same to any man in this situation.

AtSea1979 · 26/07/2017 23:49

YABU and this married guy is filling your head with shit.

BunnyBardot · 26/07/2017 23:56

Agree that it's not unusual to think shaving down there makes you look prepubescent! It's a worrying trend imo.

LadyDeadpool · 27/07/2017 00:01

Fat and hairy checking in - Husband fucking loves giving oral sex, biggest turn on is me sitting on his face. I don't do blow jobs I don't enjoy it. I have a low sex drive too and I get very self conscious about having sex. I have depression among other MH problems, your husband could be depressed but even if he is it may well not change the fact that there is something about giving oral he doesn't like and nothing is going to change that fact so if its a deal breaker for you then leave but neither one of you should be miserable over your sex lives.

britainteascones · 27/07/2017 00:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 27/07/2017 00:49

YoullShootYourEyeOut No, let's not just leave it now. You are deliberately causing offence to those who groom in order to make yourself feel better about being hairy.

britainteascones is spot on.

ProphetOfDoom · 27/07/2017 01:02

Sex is more than oral but it sounds like he's not skilled with his fingers or much else when it comes to sex. When sex is so important to one of you but not to the other & you're not ok about that it impacts other areas of your relationship too, so it behoves you both to address it before it's too late.

If he isn't willing to explore and address what's so important to you, namely sexual intimacy and pleasure, you need to ask him why not? If it's because of low-sex drive/libido it's worth seeking medical advice for underlying causes/stress etc. But if he doesn't care or care to do anything about your pleasure in bed then you have bigger relationship issues despite him being a 'good man'. Just as you giving him oral is because your pleasure is seeing to his, it needs to work the other way too, your pleasure should also be his.

And it doesn't sound like he was ever sexually very exciting or adventurous. It might be him. Or it could be he doesn't even know that element is there and it needs unlocking. It might be you two are just mismatched sexually and you'd both have a better time with other partners. But before you go down that path or get sucked in by get-into-your-pants married douchebag, you both need to properly commit to exploring this area of need in your relationship.

It seems to me you don't communicate intimately or at least don't know how to. And imo that should be your starting point. Instead of the online intimate chat do some online research about intimacy. And be clear to DH you want greater intimacy too. That does not mean oral sex but it means talking at a deeper level to find out what's going on in your heads. Having someone find you fascinating and wanting to know your thoughts is exciting. Try physical intimacy without sex. Massage. Talk dirty. Sexting. Whatever might turn out to float your mutual boats.

If your DH really has an aversion to oral it is possible to make a woman cum through massage of the labia and fingertip pressure, fingering and by skilled penetration/ positioning. But you both need to get onto that intimate footing.

Hudson10 · 27/07/2017 01:06

and when he discovered I wasn't getting this from my DH he was shocked and it's now made me think about what I have been putting up with for all this time.

Assuming this is real (not RTFT)you can't forcea partner into doing a certain act, and certainly not OK to go looking elsewhere if you're not getting what you think you deserve.
From your OP you say he's a lovely man. You on the other hand sound anything but. Vile, in fact.

lottieandmia · 27/07/2017 01:10

No Hudson, the OP is not 'vile' for wanting a partner who is attracted to her Hmm

YoullShootYourEyeOut · 27/07/2017 01:10

I shave my armpits and legs when I feel I want to and when I don't, I don't. For the umpteenth fucking time ladies I was referring to myself and what I prefer. It was a descriptive term and I didn't use it to put anyone down at all, women should do what they want. However, it's pretty rich calling me sanctimonious when your post is pretty aggressive towards me and those with unkempt forests. I am NOT trying to make myself feel better about being hairy, I CHOOSE to be hairy. Why have you got such a problem with women who don't wax or shave WhatToDoAboutThis2017? You and britainteascones are being openly rude and aggressive towards me for an opinion that I have about my own body parts. I have not put women down for shaving or waxing, I have openly said that I am all for women empowerment in doing what they choose with their bodies and I have not been nasty or aggressive to anyone. You seem to have a real hang up about barbarians like me. Hmm