DH won't go down on me

[holeinyourhead]

My DH of 13 years won't go down on me. Probably stopped doing it after about a year after we met. He said he doesn't like doing it and as I wasn't the most confident person at the time in bed I meekly accepted it. We've since had two lovely kids and life ticks over fine. We have a good relationship in every other respect.

I still go down on him because I quite like doing it, and it gets us both going. He also has some severe performance anxiety issues so this is all part of what can be an endless fluffing procedure if I'm honest. We hardly ever do it anyway and it's always me that initiates it. I have recently lost a lot of weight and gone down two dress sizes, and am feeling amazing, but it has made no impact on my DH who is very affectionate but I just think he doesn't fancy me all that much anymore. On every other level he's a lovely man and I love him dearly. But with this weight loss has come a new confidence, I am being noticed by men again, and my libido is through the roof. He is oblivious. He's supportive of the weight loss but isn't interested in jumping my bones, he's just tired all the time.

Lately I have found myself having some highly inappropriate discussions with a married someone I met online - I am not proud of this but I am severely frustrated, judge me all you like, I know some of you will - and when he discovered I wasn't getting this from my DH he was shocked and it's now made me think about what I have been putting up with for all this time. I haven't mentioned it to anyone, ever, out of loyalty to my DH, but I am now starting to think I have a bit of a raw fucking deal to be honest. I mentioned this sexual imbalance to my DH last night and he just smiled, shrugged and had nothing much to say about it. Gave me a cuddle but to be honest with you all, I am seething. AIBU to think this is a bit out of order? Any suggestions how I improve marital relations? I know this discussion with the online person is totally wrong but please forgive me for being a fallible, massively frustrated human being in the middle of a midlife crisis. Hope you can help.

As for the OP, does he expect you to give blowjobs? if so, then he's being an ass. If not, maybe he's asexual. It's something to consider.

Not sure how he can be asexual if he enjoys receiving oral sex.

Just sounds like a selfish twat to me.

@user1490465531

I think going down on someone is pretty gross TBH but I do think it's worse for men to go down experience wise but not really nice for men or women.

Ooooooooookay.....

WHY, why, WHY do people assume when people post goady posts that it's SCHOOL KIDS doing it?

For a start, school kids use the internet in term time you know.

PLUS, it's almost certainly NOT a 'child or teen,' but probably an economically inactive woman or man in their 30's, 40's, or 50's, probably single, and probably living alone or with their mother.

I suspect his reluctance around sex is more to do with your attitude than your appearance. How would women feel if their partner made their judgement about their performance so obviously contemptuous? I suspect kind but chubby women are far more likely to maintain a loving active sex life than an entitled and judgemental but slender women.
I also think you are thinking the grass is greener - and you need to be careful about what you are prepared to lose. You have a kind and loving husband who is a good father to your lovely children but you are prepared to cheat on him with a total stranger. If your frustration is too much to cope with, if you're sexual life is too mismatched to be salvaged maybe consider whether you'd be happier outside the marriage (and think hard on that one) or arrange to go to Amsterdam for the weekends sans enfants and buy some battery operated toys.

Antigrinch, I am not asking about "so many things", I am asking you specifically about consent, mismatched sex drive and emotional affairs. What should I tell my DD about how to deal with these, how should that differ from what I tell my DS?

There are loads of women with the same problem as you, OP and it won't improve.
You've done brilliantly to lose weight and gain self-esteem, why should you settle for such a rotten deal? You have tried to engage your partner in an adult discussion to no avail. If your partner doesn't appreciate you, get out into the world and enjoy your new-found confidence with someone who will. Re, your foray online, you are desperate and unhappy, of course we all make mistakes in those circumstances. I am appalled at the responses to your genuine cry for help.

I asked my eager DH TO stop 3 years into our relationship. All that snaffling about made me feel so guilty. He's got ten perfectly good digits and a magnificent manhood and can breathe while doing his stuff.

Today 18:41 Teutonic

ARealHumanBeing.
And that gives her the right to treat him with such disrespect and humiliate him?
Not to mention the possibility of giving him an S.T.I.
All because he dislikes giving oral.??

My breath truly has been taken away at your mindblowing chain of thought.

I suggested that she discuss it with him first. He doesn't HAVE to be humiliated. Also I'm sure the OP is more than capable of protecting herself from STI's. Which her husband won't be exposed to anyway if he is slowly withdrawing from the sexual relationship. And I do think he may be. A lot of people think they can. I mean, they can but there will usually be consequences.

Humans are sexual. It's a biological fact. Monogamy is something we invented.

I didn't mean to blow your mind and take your breath away but is what I suggested really that radical? If everyone in a long term relationship/marriage revealed their true feelings, wants and desires would we be genuinely shocked at what they said?

@MaMisled your post made me laugh.

And if you're both cool with it that's fab.

Buuuuut.... It's not good if one of you is unhappy.

And do I tell them something different if they are in same sex relationships to what I would say if they are in heterosexual relationships?

Also OP. If you do treat yourself to some sex toys it isn't necessary to travel to Amsterdam. 😂 Just have a google and you'll find something that you like.

Whatever happens, I get the feeling that you're on the edge of a second wind of some kind. Enjoy it

Oops marymoore12 not mandymoore.

Arealhumanbeing Amsterdam is much more fun and you can get beautiful Murano glass toys that just aren't available through Amazon.

Dione, you can tell your dd and your ds the exact same things about sex and relationships (and the basics of consent etc should probably be the same) but it won't mean that the world or their partners treats them the same, or that they are otherwise socialised to behave similarly

Did you read the link I posted about "orgasm gap"?

You can tell all young people as a bare minimum "don't attempt to engage in non-consensual sexual activity". (it's pretty basic though) But you can't tell your dd "don't rape" because legally it's impossible for her to do so. this is a fact even before we get into the socialised behaviour stuff

Yes @youllshootyoureyeout THIS is Mandy Moore

I don't get the feeling that this thread is remotely about a woman trying to force a man to go down on her and that angle is a complete red herring. It's about a married woman whose husband has no interest in sexually satisfying her and she's wondering where that leaves her. It's completely different.

It's a bit different from a man who isn't sexually satisfied in a relationship and wondering where that leaves him.

jt is a million miles different from a man hectoring his wife for blow jobs.

I honestly pity those who sincerely cannot tell the difference.

What is the difference between a woman in a marriage whose husband isn't interested in sexually satisfying her wondering where that leaves her and a man in a marriage whose wife isn't interested in sexually satisfying him and wondering where that leaves him?

Well as individuals all situations are completely different.

As trends, men in hetero relationships are generally more selfish than women.

Again, did you read the link I sent about the orgasm gap? It will really help you to understand and you won't need to hector me so much.

this is pretty simple stuff actually, unless you're ideologically determined that a simplistic "equality" is actually the case, which is absolutely factually proven many times over not to be the case.

Just to make absolutely sure, I am not of course saying that all women are less selfish than all men. It's a case of trends and likelihoods.

Sounds like a mismatch. If your not getting what you want, why not leave?

@Crumbs1 I was thinking more of lovehoney and company but thanks for the tip!

...Glazes over at thought of beautiful Murano glass toys.

Yes, I read it. It mentioned nothing about mismatched sexual desire save that it is wrongly perceived that orgasm is less important to women than men.

The OP's relationship is not a trend. What we teach our children about consent should not be a trend. Nor should it differ
because of their sex or that of their partner. You say that there is a difference, I am not hectoring you, I am asking you what that difference is.

"What we teach our children about consent should not be a trend"

This isn't a consent issue. This isn't about someone pressuring someone to do something sexual against their will.

Look, I can understand that consent is really important and it is a huge part of sexual education. But it isn't the only thing in the world about sex. it isn't the only thing in the world that matters, or that can make people unhappy.

And I can see WHY it is something you're fixating on. Because we're all women and nonconsensual sexual activity is a constant threat and low-level (or worse) sexual harrassment is a day to day source of discomfort or misery or worse.

BUT THIS IS NOT ABOUT CONSENT. You can't just imagine a man badgering a woman for a blow job, punshing her emotionally for not giving them, sulking, threatening, making her life miserable etc AND THEN JUST DECIDE to project that scenario, unchanged, onto this issue.

This isn't about a woman trying to force her husband to have oral sex - and if it was, the coercion techniques at her disposal are likely to be pretty trivial compared to those a man has. it isn't that. It is a woman unhappy that her so called sexual partner is nothing of the sort. and that is LEGITIMATE unhappiness and it has NOTHING to do with consent.

No, it'seems about accepting that your DP doesn't wish to perform a sexual act, without sulking, moaning or having online emotional affairs where you discuss this preference with another married person.

I hate the pre pubescent look

There's no need to be offensive to women who prefer no hair down there just because marymore12 is a twat.