To think my brother is being really unreasonable

[user1478433729]

Please help me to diffuse a difficult family situation.

My brother, SIL and 3 wk newborn baby live in the flat I own. To give some context; it's in central London, with a private garden, and was bought at a time (2000) when it was just barely affordable.
I've rented it to them since the end of last year when I moved out to get married.
The rent we agreed is what they were paying previously in their old flat, outside London. I proposed and agreed this as the amount covers both the mortgage and service charge - though it leaves no room for contingencies. It was my decision to rent at this level, and so far I've had no reason to regret my decision.
I'm not looking to make money from it, and my feeling has always been, as elder sister, to share my good luck with family in having a nice home in central London.
It's worth pointing out that the agreed rent is half the market value of other flats in the area - i.e., it's a good deal.

At the time they moved into my flat, their previous tenancy was coming to an end and they were struggling to find somewhere that was in their financial reach. Moving into my flat seemed like a reasonable solution all round.
When we agreed the rent, we set up a formal agreement so that everything was in black and white. I had the boiler serviced and made sure that all fire precautions in place. I also left the flat partially furnished (bed, sofa, interior furnishings, dining table) as they had none. I also bought a new sofa and also paid for contents insurance too.

Fast forward to last weekend. I'm currently out of the country and am also 8 months preg. I recd a no of texts from my bro to say that the boiler was not working and that there was no hot water.
I called out an emergency plumber that night (Sunday) to diagnose and his view was that a new boiler is needed. Mindful that this is going to be an expensive job of just under 3k (one that as landlord I fully realise I am responsible for and need to address, but equally an issue that needs to be addressed quickly, esp as newborn in house), I emailed 5 different plumbing co's on Sunday evening to ask them to quote on new installation and advise on speed of availability of 1/quote and 2/installation.
I cc'd my brother into these emails, mainly to reassure him that I was addressing the situation asap, and to keep him in the loop as to whom I had contacted.
On Monday am, at 7:30am uk time I recd the first reply to say they could have a plumber over to quote at 10am.
I forwarded the email on to my brother (assuming he would be ok with this) but chose not to call him as it was early and I didn't want to wake him up. He is currently on paternity leave with their 3 wk old.

Unfortunately, he did not read the email and was woken by the plumber knocking on the door at 10am.
He let the plumber in to quote, but afterwards sent a really rude and unpleasant email. I was taken aback by the viciousness....that I'm inconsiderate etc etc.
On reflection, I should have waited to ask if that time was ok, but I thought I was doing the right thing in terms of sorting out the problem asap.
I'm not back in the UK until the end of next week and don't want to just leave it until I get back.

If I was back in the UK, I would be on hand to liaise re timings but the fact is I'm not in the UK. I said that I needed his 'help' to liaise and coordinate timings for plumber inspection quotes.

I explained that it was really hard for me to do this and that I needed his 'help' to coordinate as I'm not in the UK, can barely get wifi/dial tone.

In short, he told me he wasn't prepared to help sort out the boiler issue as it is 'my flat/my boiler/my responsibility.'..,that they've lived in rental property enough to know that they shouldn't have to be responsible for helping with this.
I'm afraid I blew my top:
I said I wanted to address the elephant in the room which is that surely there is room for a bit of give and take here on the 'help' front.....,especially as I'm out of UK ....but also that I've tried to help them out with a flat where they are paying a subsidised rate at half market value.
This then escalated the situation: he's now saying they are really insulted, that they are not charity cases and that it's not like I need the money....and that I'm not working at present.....that I'm 'money grabbing' for even mentioning this subsidised issue.

I'm not working right now, have no income (am being supported financially by husband, which I don't like) and am not eligible for maternity benefits. I'm currently 8 months in to a problematic pregnancy.

Im not regretting my decision to rent at this subsidised rate, but I now feel deeply resentful. The 'help' I am asking them for is to ideally verbally agree a time with the plumber that works for them and to open the door so the plumber can inspect the boiler.
I need to get a range of quotes as it is going to be an expensive job (prob about 2.5-3k and I just can't afford to pay top whack).

I've never said or implied that they are charity cases but the fact is they are living in a very nice part of town in a flat that they would never be able to afford otherwise. It is a vastly subsidised rent.
I'm not expecting constant gratitude, but a thank you and a bit of give and take on the help front when I'm physically unable to resolve the situation, would have gone a long way.

In this one instance, where I'm physically unable to coordinate, I would have hoped that they could see I wanted to do a decent thing, both as landlord and sister, and just be on hand to open the door.
I'm just shocked and hurt at the amount of abuse that has come my way. I feel such a fool. Since the baby has been born, I've brought clothes, made lasagne....I feel such a fool.

He is now threatening to leave the flat and the situation is escalating.
I have not said a thing about them leaving the flat....but quite frankly, I'm feeling resentful of the attitude and the assumption that as I've a husband who can financially support me, that I'm money grabbing for pointing out that I've helped them financially and that I would really appreciate a bit of help in return in resolving the issue.

What to do?

His behaviour is atrocious. You are not only doing him a massive favour at letting your flat well below market value, you have furnished it and are doing an expensive boiler repair - and he has the cheek to blow up at you? Honest answer, get them out. He's not showing you any respect or gratitude. I feel terrible for you to be in this situation.

I rent out a flat. The boiler broke and needs replacing the same weekend DC2 was born. I also live in the US, not the UK, where the flat is.

I found out Thursday night, called a plumber Friday morning and a new boiler was installed on the Monday. In the meantime, I had an emergency c-section Sunday morning. I'm not superwoman, but your brother's excuse of a newborn is bollocks! He's on paternity leave and hence at home! It'd be harder if he were out at work and you were having to ask him to take time off work to meet plumbers.

Get your flat back asap. Also copy SIL on all correspondence so she knows the deal. Your brother isn't being fair. At all.

Is he ignoring the phone in case it's you and also ignoring that he has no working boiler? Ridiculous behaviour. Let him get on with it. When he's prepared to speak to you, you can get your boiler fixed.

Sadly, some people are so proud that they twist kindnesses into something awful so that they can tell themselves they don't need to be grateful. You've been very kind, but now you need to draw a line under this. Next time he threatens to leave (why on earth would that be threatening to you?!) agree with him. At the very least tell him the contract will not be renewed. He's bitter and resentful and it won't improve while he's living in your flat.

I would add, OP, that it's not a good idea to make this a longterm arrangement anyway. You may not always be in the same financial position and may at some point need full income from your flat. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to get him out. And, these posters arguing he is probably irritable because he has a three month old and is probably sleep deprived... Well, OP is eight months into a difficult pregnancy. What about her stress? Brother doesn't seem to care a jot about that! Plus, sleep deprivation is not an excuse to act like an arsehole. His sense of entitlement is alarming! OP was trying to help rectify the boiler situation asap with there being a newborn living there, I'm sure, and she gets it thrown in her face. As some others have said here: no good deed goes unpunished!
OP, what does your husband think of the situation?

Personally my DB would have to fuck off

But then Im not that sentimental about family, if they're behaving like a dick then being related by blood is in no way a reason for me to put up will bullshit

You've done your best to sort boiler timings etc and he is speaking to you as if you are a nobody and he is in control of you. Cheek.

So fucking what if he's tired with a new baby? Diddums. He's not unique. Most of us have been there its not licence to be rude especially with people who have done you a kindness

Living in CENTRAL London cheap rent nice property? Ungrateful af

Give him Notice and let him find alternative accommodation where he can only hope to God he gets a nice property and landlord, in line with what he has now.

I suppose you may worry about causing a family rift, that being the case good luck re putting up with his attitude towards you. He's certainly not worrying about causing rift or offence, is he

He does sound like an ungrateful dickhead, but I'm mindful that I was probably a dickhead too when I had a newborn baby.

Still, it's interesting that these issues have come up at all, and he's raised them in a really unpleasant way.

Does he have form for this type of behaviour, or is this a one-off?

Brother has a brand new baby and all the upheaval that comes alongside having a newborn. OP has had a difficult pregnancy and is weeks away from childbirth. Added to the mix is a broken boiler; it's no surprise tempers are frayed on both sides.

There's no way DB would consider speaking to a private landlord like that, or he would be out on his ear. He might not like to be reminded of the assistance you're giving him and his family, which is beyond kindness.

For now, I would concentrate on getting the boiler sorted and looking forward to baby. You're doing your best, if DB doesn't see that and apologise profusely for his entitled attitude, then I would seriously consider the long term situation.

You sound lovely OP. Not wanting to derail the thread but I am longterm ill, unable to work and in private rented in London. The rents are extortionate and soon I will no longer be able to afford to live here (been here a decade). If I were to lose this flat I would probably be homeless as there is no social housing and private landlords mostly don't accept 'DSS' even if you are good with money and have a perfect credit score.

In short, your brother doesn't know he's born. The entitlement is breathtaking. If it wasn't for the fact they had a small baby I would say serve him notice on the flat. I hope you get it sorted

Cut them some slack, they are coming to terms with lifewith a new baby and no hot water.

Landlady here, sure Im not the only one.

Legally you have to be seen to be fixing the boiler. Otherwise if/when he tries to pay you less rent, you won't have a leg to stand on. Ensure everything that you have done is in writing. Drop him an email and say x company, address, phone no has tried on x days to contact him. Ask him to call them and ask the company to continue to try. This doesn't have to be every day, but ever few days. If possible, liaise by email with the company so you have a complete written trail.

I think it was really unwise of you to rent at below market rent and without a deposit as you've left yourself open to abuse. The tax rules have started to change and it is a staggered change, which comes into full effect in 2019. So what seemed like a break even state of affairs may soon cost you money. You therefore need more than just the monthly mortgage payments to cover tax. Moreover, if labour gets into government, they did talk about rent capping by a certain annual percentage. If this happens, it may well be that you are stuck renting out your flat at below market rent for a very long time because I think I read/heard that they were proposing to do it between tenancies as well.

Personally, I'd want him to leave sooner rather than later. He has disrespected you and you are also vulnerable being heavily pregnant. Have a think about it. The tenancy doesn't renew until October so you still have time. Any rent increases can only happen on a 12 monthly basis so you'd need to think about that soon as you have to give one months notice of any changes. You also need to give them 2 months notice as I'm sure you're aware. They otoh could walk out of the house on the last day of the fixed term AST and return the keys to you without giving you notice.

I have just gone NC with my brother. He treats me rather like yours is treating you. Except far worse and I cannot be in his presence anymore as his ignorance and stupidity is liable to oneday land me in hospital. I have some business dealings with him at the moment. My husband is now dealing with him via email. I also have access to my husband's email if I want to write an email to him. Brother is far less likely to hurl disablist insults and abuse at my husband. So perhaps that would be an option for you as well. It would also take the emotion out of things especially as your brother probably sees himself as inferior to your dh being less wealthy an all stupid how that may sound.

Give him number of engineer, tell him to organise visit time. You aren't even in the country, ffs! Text him this and tell him he needs your direct approval for any repairs (be strict!) which he can pay for and you will reimburse.

I know it will harm your relationship, but I would seriously get rid of him, send him the Section 21. You don't need the hassle and having the market value will give you an income so you don't have to feel bad relying on your DH.

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Do you have a good relationship with sil? I'd speak to her directly if you can. As a woman with a three week old baby I'm guessing she wants the boiler repaired pdq.

What exactly does he want you to do?!

The boiler isn't working and he isn't prepared to open the door to a tradie even though because he is off work right now he doesn't even need to take time off.

Fuck him. If he's going to be such a cunt about it then he can live with no hot water and start paying market rent. He's feels that fucking strongly about it - ask him how his partner feels about him kicking off for no apparent reason?

And yes, I would say it just like that to my own brother.

It does seem odd that a boiler that was fine in November now needs replacing, while you happen to be out of the country.

I think he's lying and was hoping you'd cough up some dosh and ask him to arrange the repairs.

I think he's lying and was hoping you'd cough up some dosh and ask him to arrange the repairs.
Actually, that might explain his anger at you sending the plumber round.

let him leave. he resents that your help. ignore the emails beyond asking him when he's available to let the plumber in. he's being a total arse, but we all lose our sanity when there's a newborn around (except you of course, yours will be perfect )

Sara and QuiteUnfit yes, that's what I've been wondering, that he's perhaps using this as a sort of 'equity release scheme'. If he's as envious as he sounds he might see this as fair enough because 'OP can afford it'. I'm hoping (for the OP's sake) he's just irrational and stressed out from a young baby (and a lot us have been there, though I don't think this is really a good enough excuse) and he'll recover but he seems to have been resentful for a while. His unwillingness to respond to a visit from an engineer is odd.

YANBU and he is being a twat. That said, are u prepared for a big falling out if you put his family out at this time? I would be tempted to let it go for now, sort the boiler then up the rent to cover repairs e.g. an extra 10% a month or whatever. As side issue - an accountant friend of mine told me that renting to friends/family under the market rate could be perceived as a tax dodge / fraud and that it's not allowed assuming you are paying tax on income it generates. If you are not doing it official, would he dob you in if you put him out? You could be opening a can of worms which is why i am very particular about this type of good deed. Hope it works out as you've just tried to be kind

I think he's lying and was hoping you'd cough up some dosh and ask him to arrange the repairs.

That crossed my mind too, but then I wondered if I was being cynical and suspicious! I feel better for knowing I'm not alone in this.

It would explain why he got so arsey about getting a plumber in.

I would tell home that maybe it's better he does leave as he doesn't appreciate what you have done for them and would quite frankly appreciate getting market rate rent for a while and thus will allow you to pay for an agency to manage and to deal with maintenance issues. When he comes back crawling, I would state that you are only prepared to continue under the current agreement if they are prepared to take care of all maintenance issues going forward. You could state that for large expenses (say over £500) you would pay half but below that it's up to them. For the record, I live outside London and rent out a London flat and having an agency manager it is so convenient.