To think my brother is being really unreasonable

[user1478433729]

Please help me to diffuse a difficult family situation.

My brother, SIL and 3 wk newborn baby live in the flat I own. To give some context; it's in central London, with a private garden, and was bought at a time (2000) when it was just barely affordable.
I've rented it to them since the end of last year when I moved out to get married.
The rent we agreed is what they were paying previously in their old flat, outside London. I proposed and agreed this as the amount covers both the mortgage and service charge - though it leaves no room for contingencies. It was my decision to rent at this level, and so far I've had no reason to regret my decision.
I'm not looking to make money from it, and my feeling has always been, as elder sister, to share my good luck with family in having a nice home in central London.
It's worth pointing out that the agreed rent is half the market value of other flats in the area - i.e., it's a good deal.

At the time they moved into my flat, their previous tenancy was coming to an end and they were struggling to find somewhere that was in their financial reach. Moving into my flat seemed like a reasonable solution all round.
When we agreed the rent, we set up a formal agreement so that everything was in black and white. I had the boiler serviced and made sure that all fire precautions in place. I also left the flat partially furnished (bed, sofa, interior furnishings, dining table) as they had none. I also bought a new sofa and also paid for contents insurance too.

Fast forward to last weekend. I'm currently out of the country and am also 8 months preg. I recd a no of texts from my bro to say that the boiler was not working and that there was no hot water.
I called out an emergency plumber that night (Sunday) to diagnose and his view was that a new boiler is needed. Mindful that this is going to be an expensive job of just under 3k (one that as landlord I fully realise I am responsible for and need to address, but equally an issue that needs to be addressed quickly, esp as newborn in house), I emailed 5 different plumbing co's on Sunday evening to ask them to quote on new installation and advise on speed of availability of 1/quote and 2/installation.
I cc'd my brother into these emails, mainly to reassure him that I was addressing the situation asap, and to keep him in the loop as to whom I had contacted.
On Monday am, at 7:30am uk time I recd the first reply to say they could have a plumber over to quote at 10am.
I forwarded the email on to my brother (assuming he would be ok with this) but chose not to call him as it was early and I didn't want to wake him up. He is currently on paternity leave with their 3 wk old.

Unfortunately, he did not read the email and was woken by the plumber knocking on the door at 10am.
He let the plumber in to quote, but afterwards sent a really rude and unpleasant email. I was taken aback by the viciousness....that I'm inconsiderate etc etc.
On reflection, I should have waited to ask if that time was ok, but I thought I was doing the right thing in terms of sorting out the problem asap.
I'm not back in the UK until the end of next week and don't want to just leave it until I get back.

If I was back in the UK, I would be on hand to liaise re timings but the fact is I'm not in the UK. I said that I needed his 'help' to liaise and coordinate timings for plumber inspection quotes.

I explained that it was really hard for me to do this and that I needed his 'help' to coordinate as I'm not in the UK, can barely get wifi/dial tone.

In short, he told me he wasn't prepared to help sort out the boiler issue as it is 'my flat/my boiler/my responsibility.'..,that they've lived in rental property enough to know that they shouldn't have to be responsible for helping with this.
I'm afraid I blew my top:
I said I wanted to address the elephant in the room which is that surely there is room for a bit of give and take here on the 'help' front.....,especially as I'm out of UK ....but also that I've tried to help them out with a flat where they are paying a subsidised rate at half market value.
This then escalated the situation: he's now saying they are really insulted, that they are not charity cases and that it's not like I need the money....and that I'm not working at present.....that I'm 'money grabbing' for even mentioning this subsidised issue.

I'm not working right now, have no income (am being supported financially by husband, which I don't like) and am not eligible for maternity benefits. I'm currently 8 months in to a problematic pregnancy.

Im not regretting my decision to rent at this subsidised rate, but I now feel deeply resentful. The 'help' I am asking them for is to ideally verbally agree a time with the plumber that works for them and to open the door so the plumber can inspect the boiler.
I need to get a range of quotes as it is going to be an expensive job (prob about 2.5-3k and I just can't afford to pay top whack).

I've never said or implied that they are charity cases but the fact is they are living in a very nice part of town in a flat that they would never be able to afford otherwise. It is a vastly subsidised rent.
I'm not expecting constant gratitude, but a thank you and a bit of give and take on the help front when I'm physically unable to resolve the situation, would have gone a long way.

In this one instance, where I'm physically unable to coordinate, I would have hoped that they could see I wanted to do a decent thing, both as landlord and sister, and just be on hand to open the door.
I'm just shocked and hurt at the amount of abuse that has come my way. I feel such a fool. Since the baby has been born, I've brought clothes, made lasagne....I feel such a fool.

He is now threatening to leave the flat and the situation is escalating.
I have not said a thing about them leaving the flat....but quite frankly, I'm feeling resentful of the attitude and the assumption that as I've a husband who can financially support me, that I'm money grabbing for pointing out that I've helped them financially and that I would really appreciate a bit of help in return in resolving the issue.

What to do?

Cheeky so and so glad you got it sorted. I was half expecting this to turn into the brother making up needing a new boiler and just after the cash but then I'm a cynical old cow.

Let him leave, he may be jealous that you own the flat and resents you for it. Or he may just be really frazzled from the baby. If I was in your position OP, I'd just let them go, don't feel bad about it. They say never a good deed goes unpunished. Years ago, I lent my sister 5K to pay off some debts. I never got the money back, she told me she thought it was a "gift", as I was "minted" and was unreasonable for asking for the money back. I was made to look like a villain to our whole family. My relationship with DS is only now cool to say the least. You've already been generous to a fault with your family. Let them stand on their own two feet now.

I wouldn't ask them to / let them leave that will only cause resentment further down the line, (she threw us out with a 3 week old) completely forgetting he was being a dick he will have just been angry to have been woken up. You did what you thought was right and I think he is definitely the one being unreasonable.
If I had a tenented flat and the boiler broke while I was abroad I would be expecting the sister to help me deal with plumbers etc because she is my sister and we help each other you need to speak to SIL and tell her you don't want them to leave you understand they are in an overwhelming situation but you need their help and your not happy with your brothers reactions.

I'd love you to be my landlady.

I hope this doesn't affect your pregnancy. The health of you and your little one especially in a difficult pregnancy are paramount. Try not to stress.

You have been a fantastic sister and I wish my landlord had sorted my boiler out so fast. I had to wait three weeks, no heating or hot water in winter.
Maybe he's embarrassed? Overwhelmed at being a dad?
None of those reasons however are acceptable to speak to you the way he is. Sounds like the green eyed monster............

I hope you manage to get this sorted. Good luck with the last bit of your pregnancy.
And come home to the UK ASAP.

Actually, I think you should give notice that the rent is being put up when the contract ends to allow you a money buffer should the property have anything else go wrong with it - roof, flooding etc. You're putting yourself in a finanically bad position by wanting to help your brother.

I think it's safe to say that your brother is jealous as fuck of your good fortune to be married to a wealthy husband, and is taking his resentment out on you in any way he can.

He obviously knows that you have done him a favour by letting him rent your flat at half market rate - he knows full well how much it would cost him to rent any OTHER flat in the area, of course he does! He's now trying to guilt-trip you.

Don't fall for it.
Say that you need to review the contract when this one ends, that the rent will be going up - and I would suggest that the rent goes up to cover getting an estate agent to manage the property for you, so that this sort of shit goes through them, not you.

I have a property in the UK that is fully managed - I pay 15% of the rent as management fee. This is expensive but standard, and I still get to say what the rent should be. This is because I live in Australia and can't be doing with trying to sort out anything that goes wrong from the other side of the world! The managing agents are brilliant, always do the job they're supposed to and save me so much hassle that it's worth the money to me.

So I would suggest that you put it in the hands of managing agents, but increase the rent to allow for the agents' fees, so that you're not out of pocket.

Then your brother really only has himself to blame for this, for his mardy resentful fuckwit behaviour when all you've done really is try to help him out.

You are 8 months pregnant, abroad and returning to UK next week - hope you are not flying!!!!

People saying to excuse the brother's behaviour because he is 3 weeks' post partum. It's not even him that's had the baby! I feel no sympathy for him at all. Who in their right mind is nasty to their sister (who is doing them a great favour) just because of feeling tired or becoming a dad . I do think you're being taken advantage of OP. I think evicting them now would save your relationship as it will only deteriorate further with his entitled attitude.

Sounds as if you are far kinder to him than he deserves.

You are in a position to do him a favour.

He doesn't have to accept that favour & he certainly doesn't have to be a complete arse to you.

If he feels so strongly about not being a charity case, let him pay full rent or move out.
If generosity is considered charity, you will never be able to change the perception. He either accepts it for what it is or finds the money himself to rent elsewhere.
If he can't help co ordinate a plumber to fit around his life, he will have to wait until you can.
If this was his own property, he would have to do it anyway.

He is so far out of line. He has a baby, he's not dying. Lazy sod.

They won't leave, just a mix of lack of sleep & jealousy by the sounds of it!

Hope your ok, look after yourself & bump

Why does he have the 'weight of the world on his shouders'?! He only has a baby to look after and why does he consider 10am to be early? He bonkers, rude and incredibly unhelpful

He sounds sooooo entitled. Your email was great.

I say he is massively out of order. Even in another private rented property he would have been expected to liaise with plumbers etc over repairs so I think he is well out of order.
You would be financially better off if he did leave the property, you could charge the market rent and you would be less financially reliant on your husband.

Any update OP?

Update: heard nothing from brother or sister in law since.
I don't expect to, and will be surprised if I hear anything in the next few weeks. I'm now 33 wks preg.
As per previous update, contract up for renewal end October and my intention is to renew it for 6 months.
Clearly it's not a long term scenario, given all that's happened, but I've no interest in being painted as the bad guy in asking them to leave as they have a newborn, but equally, I don't like the lingering resentment and contempt directed at me.
Families, eh??!

Why renew for 6 months? Since they're unreasonable, surely you'd want the safety net of a periodic tenancy?

Thanks Op.

That is really ignorant. Just an acknowledgement would have been okay but I'm surprised you have had nothing. Sounds like he has a big sense of entitlement.

stop being a doormat, a mug.
You don't owe your db anything - esp after this!

neither of them have any real respect for you.
He probably thinks he can use reverse psychology on you - "i'll make things really difficult and she will do anything for a quiet life"
He knows how to play you and you let him.

Give them 2 months notice to start looking for a new place
Or increase it to market rent - you are NOT responsible for your db's financial and life choices!

Don't be surprised if he gets even more difficult, or refuses to leave.
Would you take it to court to get him evicted if it came to that?
He probably knows that the only way they'll get bumped up the social housing list is if they claim to be 'homeless'.....which they can only do if you are forced to evict them.

His sense of entitlement is probably telling him that he 'deserves' the house because you've got a 'rich husband to provide for you'.

Let him leave, rent it out at full market value and get an agent to deal with it x

I'm not a doormat and I'm not a mug. Nor am I responsible for my brother's life choices.

To clarify; they are not so badly off that they would need, or even qualify for social housing. It's simply that they are living in a zone 1 home in a very nice part of Central London that they would never have been able to afford, were the rent not quite so subsidised.

I'm quite aware that neither of them have any respect for me - and be that as it may, I can live with that.

What's done is done, and I've learned my lesson.

Families and money don't mix - you've been more than fair

nor do I want or expect constant gratitude or grovelling, but I had expected a bit of tacit understanding that there would be a bit of give and take on the help front in difficult extraordinary situations like this

Given that it's family, YANBU. Any reasonable person could expect exactly this. A good tenant, on a market rent & unrelated to you would also try to be accommodating.

In renting out property a but, I've learnt that when you do people a favour in this way they can sometimes be accepting of the reduced rent, but very very unaccepting of the sort of give and take which might be expected. I don't do it any more - it's all strictly business.

Your brother has behaved appallingly. I wouldn't renew the lease, unless there were a clear discussion and an apology from him. And I'd be shifting the rent up to nearer a market rent. You do know that the changes in tax laws will have an impact - you may be liable for a lot more tax than previously.

OP. Just go for periodic tenancy not six months.

Are your brother's and SIL's jobs in this central part of a city?

Can you speak frankly to them when you come over?

The Elephant in the room is how come you afforded this flat in 2000 (older, then single, better job?) when he's been renting with his wife (two incomes, uni fees, worse jobs, increased transport fees?). His anger may be centred on you but also frustrated by the mire of being someone who has been shafted by time, policies and city life.