To think my brother is being really unreasonable

[user1478433729]

Please help me to diffuse a difficult family situation.

My brother, SIL and 3 wk newborn baby live in the flat I own. To give some context; it's in central London, with a private garden, and was bought at a time (2000) when it was just barely affordable.
I've rented it to them since the end of last year when I moved out to get married.
The rent we agreed is what they were paying previously in their old flat, outside London. I proposed and agreed this as the amount covers both the mortgage and service charge - though it leaves no room for contingencies. It was my decision to rent at this level, and so far I've had no reason to regret my decision.
I'm not looking to make money from it, and my feeling has always been, as elder sister, to share my good luck with family in having a nice home in central London.
It's worth pointing out that the agreed rent is half the market value of other flats in the area - i.e., it's a good deal.

At the time they moved into my flat, their previous tenancy was coming to an end and they were struggling to find somewhere that was in their financial reach. Moving into my flat seemed like a reasonable solution all round.
When we agreed the rent, we set up a formal agreement so that everything was in black and white. I had the boiler serviced and made sure that all fire precautions in place. I also left the flat partially furnished (bed, sofa, interior furnishings, dining table) as they had none. I also bought a new sofa and also paid for contents insurance too.

Fast forward to last weekend. I'm currently out of the country and am also 8 months preg. I recd a no of texts from my bro to say that the boiler was not working and that there was no hot water.
I called out an emergency plumber that night (Sunday) to diagnose and his view was that a new boiler is needed. Mindful that this is going to be an expensive job of just under 3k (one that as landlord I fully realise I am responsible for and need to address, but equally an issue that needs to be addressed quickly, esp as newborn in house), I emailed 5 different plumbing co's on Sunday evening to ask them to quote on new installation and advise on speed of availability of 1/quote and 2/installation.
I cc'd my brother into these emails, mainly to reassure him that I was addressing the situation asap, and to keep him in the loop as to whom I had contacted.
On Monday am, at 7:30am uk time I recd the first reply to say they could have a plumber over to quote at 10am.
I forwarded the email on to my brother (assuming he would be ok with this) but chose not to call him as it was early and I didn't want to wake him up. He is currently on paternity leave with their 3 wk old.

Unfortunately, he did not read the email and was woken by the plumber knocking on the door at 10am.
He let the plumber in to quote, but afterwards sent a really rude and unpleasant email. I was taken aback by the viciousness....that I'm inconsiderate etc etc.
On reflection, I should have waited to ask if that time was ok, but I thought I was doing the right thing in terms of sorting out the problem asap.
I'm not back in the UK until the end of next week and don't want to just leave it until I get back.

If I was back in the UK, I would be on hand to liaise re timings but the fact is I'm not in the UK. I said that I needed his 'help' to liaise and coordinate timings for plumber inspection quotes.

I explained that it was really hard for me to do this and that I needed his 'help' to coordinate as I'm not in the UK, can barely get wifi/dial tone.

In short, he told me he wasn't prepared to help sort out the boiler issue as it is 'my flat/my boiler/my responsibility.'..,that they've lived in rental property enough to know that they shouldn't have to be responsible for helping with this.
I'm afraid I blew my top:
I said I wanted to address the elephant in the room which is that surely there is room for a bit of give and take here on the 'help' front.....,especially as I'm out of UK ....but also that I've tried to help them out with a flat where they are paying a subsidised rate at half market value.
This then escalated the situation: he's now saying they are really insulted, that they are not charity cases and that it's not like I need the money....and that I'm not working at present.....that I'm 'money grabbing' for even mentioning this subsidised issue.

I'm not working right now, have no income (am being supported financially by husband, which I don't like) and am not eligible for maternity benefits. I'm currently 8 months in to a problematic pregnancy.

Im not regretting my decision to rent at this subsidised rate, but I now feel deeply resentful. The 'help' I am asking them for is to ideally verbally agree a time with the plumber that works for them and to open the door so the plumber can inspect the boiler.
I need to get a range of quotes as it is going to be an expensive job (prob about 2.5-3k and I just can't afford to pay top whack).

I've never said or implied that they are charity cases but the fact is they are living in a very nice part of town in a flat that they would never be able to afford otherwise. It is a vastly subsidised rent.
I'm not expecting constant gratitude, but a thank you and a bit of give and take on the help front when I'm physically unable to resolve the situation, would have gone a long way.

In this one instance, where I'm physically unable to coordinate, I would have hoped that they could see I wanted to do a decent thing, both as landlord and sister, and just be on hand to open the door.
I'm just shocked and hurt at the amount of abuse that has come my way. I feel such a fool. Since the baby has been born, I've brought clothes, made lasagne....I feel such a fool.

He is now threatening to leave the flat and the situation is escalating.
I have not said a thing about them leaving the flat....but quite frankly, I'm feeling resentful of the attitude and the assumption that as I've a husband who can financially support me, that I'm money grabbing for pointing out that I've helped them financially and that I would really appreciate a bit of help in return in resolving the issue.

What to do?

@MillieMollieMou : I worked in the City post Uni and then set up a business in my late 20s. Self made, no handouts/deposit from parents, remortgaged the flat to fund the business.
I'm 2 years older than my brother.

By insisting on charging them reduced rent - you ARE assuming some responsibility towards him.

By continuing their tenancy AND on reduced rent after the way they have and continue to behave - IS acting like a mug.

By accepting their disrespect towards you - and refusing to challenge it - IS being a doormat.

I'm an accidental landlord. Standard tenants, agency, market rent.

Last year our boiler started to go. First and second lot of emergency plumbers called out. We wanted to sort out plumber for quotes to replace and basically asked the tenants to work with us on that - either they be in for quotes scheduled at their convenience or allow the agents to access the property with plumbers. They didn't want either option. A third emergency plumber visit was required when the boiler went again. At which point we had to explain if they wouldn't help us fit a new boiler (by accommodating a non emergency but scheduled plumber visit) we would no longer pay for emergency plumbers.

The property has a new boiler and new tenants

Thanks for the feedback. Appreciate there's a differing range of opinions, but for the moment this is how it is.

I've had a thought, is it really a good idea for them to see your flat as a longterm solution? They have had a new baby and will be putting down roots and making links and friends in the locality. If and when the time comes for them to move, it sounds like it's unlikely they will be able to afford move anywhere close by?
Thus happened to us. My mum let us rent her house at a reduced rent (v grateful, ta mum!) but when she decided to sell it (about a year after we moved in) we still couldn't afford anything in the area and had to move out of the area. Didn't mind, it's the way of it, but had to start the whole settling in, making friends thing again. Luckily dc was still a toddler and not at school.

This isn't really your problem op, I'm just nosily wondering what their long term plans are.

Ah op. You sound like a nice person and congrats on your pregnancy.

He is clearly envious of your financial situation and has a major chip on his shoulder about the fact he is only living in that area/home because of your generosity. And he can't see past it and will allow it to damage your relationship. He's happy to continue to take from you whilst treating you badly.

Honestly if it was me, I'd renew for six months with the message that it's plenty of time to find new accommodation then go get an agency to manage the property and rent it out properly. Give them notice to leave formally at the appointed time.

The situation can't continue, they need to stand on their own two feet and it will continue to be bad whilst they are living there. He resents it too much for it to ever work.

Thanks @Bluntness - you are absolutely right in him resenting me, but at the same time accepting the generosity - although, of course, it's not perceived as such!

As everyone says; this is not a long term solution. And it won't be.
But there's a world of difference in forcibly asking someone to leave when they have a newborn, compared to a few months down the line. I'm not that person - but I have certainly learned my lesson here!

I don't think I've treated my brother as a 'charity case', but the truth is, I do feel ?sorry? For his precarious financial situation. My intention at the outset was to provide a reasonable safety net that would help him to help himself save cash and use that to build a more solid future.
But I can't fix him/them. It's their life, their set of choices - not mine.

The Elephant in the room is how come you afforded this flat in 2000 (older, then single, better job?) when he's been renting with his wife (two incomes, uni fees, worse jobs, increased transport fees?). His anger may be centred on you but also frustrated by the mire of being someone who has been shafted by time, policies and city life.

MillieMollieMou it's hardly fair or reasonable to blame the OP for a) the brother's anger at his situation; or b) interrogate her about how she afforded a flat. Your post sounds like the brother - envious & unfair.

I don't think I've treated my brother as a 'charity case', but the truth is, I do feel ?sorry? For his precarious financial situation. My intention at the outset was to provide a reasonable safety net that would help him to help himself save cash and use that to build a more solid future

You're very tough on yourself, OP - you haven't done anything wrong. Of course families help each other if they can. And those helped graciously acknowledge that help, and aim to repay it when they can -
maybe not to the original giver of help, but to someone else who needs it (paying it forward).

I hope you find a solution. But the advice about a 6 month lease with notice that, at that point, you will be handing over management to an agent, as you will have a new baby yourself!

6 months is a good lead time to find another flat, or prepare to pay a market rent to you. And I'm sure that - if they find something else a bit before the end of the lease - you'll be happy to let them out of the last month or so ...

Good luck

I think your being fair extending for another 6 months. He's ob huge chip that u have done better them him financially but not your problem.

I think I would warn them 3 months before the next tenancy extension is up that u r raising the rent say by £100 a month to cover maintenence etc.

Also have a look at a British gas service contract for your boiler. Dad is self employed gas fitter and has actually lost loads of work to British gas as he says their maintenence contracts for boilers are a good deal.

Maybe when you renew for 6 months tell him (in writing) that at the end of the 6 months you plan to sell or will need to get a market rent of xyz so he knows he knows he needs to look for a new rental or pay up.

@Hollybuckets - not at all and am in the same position as the OP. The problem is that in a very short time in large (esp urban) parts of the UK, getting on the housing ladder/finding adequate rentals within an hour's commute to work has become increasingly hard as we all know. I was interested in the disparity in ages since it's not unusual to find a 30 year old with x job in a far better position than a sibling 5 years younger even if also with x job (which is clearly not the case here) simply because of house price rises in that time.

On a different tack I think spot on was the PP who suggested OP's brother staying on much longer would mean his family making close friends/sorting schools which would take time to replace when they move.

Please tell me the 6 month extension will be a market rate rent?

I got evicted from our last home when my baby was 3 weeks old op (wasn't through fault of our own our landlord just decided one day we had to leave as apparently it wasn't in our contract to have a baby 😐)
He needs to learn how to act and treat people. He's extremely fortunate to be in the situation he's in. Actions have consequences and he needs to realise that. I'd be kicking him out and hopefully that would teach him the lessons he needs in life to survive as a usual human adult.
Also, I'm a great tenant and you can rent to me 😜

But he is a charity case. The rent you have been charging isn't enough to pay for the mortgage and the repairs so that money is coming directly from your pocket.

If it isn't a long term solution then you may as well do it sooner rather than later as, as a pp says, it will be more emotionally fraught when they have to move out having made roots at baby groups etc. But I would leave the dust to settle for a few days first.

How long do they think this is lasting?

I'd then send one last email saying that you don't want to fall out but that this has really upset you. That you don't want them to think they are a charity case but that equally you need to be treated with respect. You tried to do them a favour as a friend and sister because you didn't want them to be without water with your gorgeous nephew but they've thrown that in your face. Obviously your intention was to be helpful, you didn't intend for him to be woken up and you feel really hurt that he's said what he's said. And you feel hurt that he hasn't wanted to be a helpful friend and brother by helping you to sort it, given that you were out of the country.

Then reiterate that it may be best to keep family and business separate. Obviously you won't push them out immediately but if they can start thinking about timescales otherwise it's probably best to get a management company in and also put in a margin in to the rent to cover repairs and upkeep so that you are not financially out of pocket and you take the family/charity element out of it all. Ask them their thoughts on this and what they would prefer.

If he takes offense at that, tough shit. I know thou want to preserve relations but you can't let them treat you any way they fancy. Respect is a two way street.

@MillieMollieMou and @HollyBuckets

Agree with you both re relative affordability of property, then and now, and how this pans out between siblings of different ages.

I'm the eldest sibling and graduated university in 96, the penultimate year before tuition fees kicked in. Like most of my friends from modest backgrounds, I had a Saturday job from age 16, and worked holidays during university. But importantly I graduated without debt.

In the late 90s/early 2000, it was just about affordable to get a mortgage based on 3-4 multiples of a single salary. That property has now tripled in value.

I used that asset to finance growing a business (which ultimately created 17 tax paying jobs).

My younger siblings graduated with tuition fee debt and even though they are higher rate tax payers, its that lethal combo of debt overhang and unaffordability that stops them progressing as perhaps you might normally expect. It's a lot harder for them - I do see this.

When you renew the contract will you increase the rent slightly so that if repairs need doing you have a little bit to do it with?

I was going to ask the same... a bit won't hurt, esp as if it is still a lot cheaper than they will pay when they do have to move

it just needs to be cost neutral to you in terms of money and effort. Which it's not being at the moment.

I think you are being a really good big sis. I'd ignore all the 'throw him outs' and 'charge him market rate now'. You are giving him and his family 6 months to work all this through. You understand the differences in the very different economic circumstances between you and those just a little younger. Very decent behaviour.

Don't mix family and money, ALWAYS ends in tears. If not this time then the next.

I was in similar situation to this and it becomes an untenable situation. Your relatives are essentially financially dependent on you and you are enabling that dependence. It not good for either of you.

The solution that worked for me (as pp said), was to get the property fully managed by agents. We then had no direct contact about maintenance, market rent, leases etc

I put all the profits aside and after 6 months gave my relative a cash gift to 'help', with a polite message that this was a one off. This made them realise how much they had depended on me (and were grateful). They made an effort to become financially independent. I did give them another cash gift when they chose to move out a year later and we are now friends again.

I'd let him.leave tbh. Too many problems renting to someone you know. He sounds like a rude git tbh

Looks like we have a CFB on our hands here..

He wants to have his cake - "Mates Rates"..

..and eat it.."Professionally Managed Property"

Let him move out - and try and find the same deal elsewhere in central London..

You sound bloody lovely and he has a nerve. The changing climate for graduates isn't your doing. Your doing is allowing him to rent your flat at half market value, so he and his family have a nicer life. And he can't even be arsed to be polite, or to let in the plumber to sort the boiler he relies upon, and you are paying for?

Can you be my sister, in a time machine, please?