To think my brother is being really unreasonable

[user1478433729]

Please help me to diffuse a difficult family situation.

My brother, SIL and 3 wk newborn baby live in the flat I own. To give some context; it's in central London, with a private garden, and was bought at a time (2000) when it was just barely affordable.
I've rented it to them since the end of last year when I moved out to get married.
The rent we agreed is what they were paying previously in their old flat, outside London. I proposed and agreed this as the amount covers both the mortgage and service charge - though it leaves no room for contingencies. It was my decision to rent at this level, and so far I've had no reason to regret my decision.
I'm not looking to make money from it, and my feeling has always been, as elder sister, to share my good luck with family in having a nice home in central London.
It's worth pointing out that the agreed rent is half the market value of other flats in the area - i.e., it's a good deal.

At the time they moved into my flat, their previous tenancy was coming to an end and they were struggling to find somewhere that was in their financial reach. Moving into my flat seemed like a reasonable solution all round.
When we agreed the rent, we set up a formal agreement so that everything was in black and white. I had the boiler serviced and made sure that all fire precautions in place. I also left the flat partially furnished (bed, sofa, interior furnishings, dining table) as they had none. I also bought a new sofa and also paid for contents insurance too.

Fast forward to last weekend. I'm currently out of the country and am also 8 months preg. I recd a no of texts from my bro to say that the boiler was not working and that there was no hot water.
I called out an emergency plumber that night (Sunday) to diagnose and his view was that a new boiler is needed. Mindful that this is going to be an expensive job of just under 3k (one that as landlord I fully realise I am responsible for and need to address, but equally an issue that needs to be addressed quickly, esp as newborn in house), I emailed 5 different plumbing co's on Sunday evening to ask them to quote on new installation and advise on speed of availability of 1/quote and 2/installation.
I cc'd my brother into these emails, mainly to reassure him that I was addressing the situation asap, and to keep him in the loop as to whom I had contacted.
On Monday am, at 7:30am uk time I recd the first reply to say they could have a plumber over to quote at 10am.
I forwarded the email on to my brother (assuming he would be ok with this) but chose not to call him as it was early and I didn't want to wake him up. He is currently on paternity leave with their 3 wk old.

Unfortunately, he did not read the email and was woken by the plumber knocking on the door at 10am.
He let the plumber in to quote, but afterwards sent a really rude and unpleasant email. I was taken aback by the viciousness....that I'm inconsiderate etc etc.
On reflection, I should have waited to ask if that time was ok, but I thought I was doing the right thing in terms of sorting out the problem asap.
I'm not back in the UK until the end of next week and don't want to just leave it until I get back.

If I was back in the UK, I would be on hand to liaise re timings but the fact is I'm not in the UK. I said that I needed his 'help' to liaise and coordinate timings for plumber inspection quotes.

I explained that it was really hard for me to do this and that I needed his 'help' to coordinate as I'm not in the UK, can barely get wifi/dial tone.

In short, he told me he wasn't prepared to help sort out the boiler issue as it is 'my flat/my boiler/my responsibility.'..,that they've lived in rental property enough to know that they shouldn't have to be responsible for helping with this.
I'm afraid I blew my top:
I said I wanted to address the elephant in the room which is that surely there is room for a bit of give and take here on the 'help' front.....,especially as I'm out of UK ....but also that I've tried to help them out with a flat where they are paying a subsidised rate at half market value.
This then escalated the situation: he's now saying they are really insulted, that they are not charity cases and that it's not like I need the money....and that I'm not working at present.....that I'm 'money grabbing' for even mentioning this subsidised issue.

I'm not working right now, have no income (am being supported financially by husband, which I don't like) and am not eligible for maternity benefits. I'm currently 8 months in to a problematic pregnancy.

Im not regretting my decision to rent at this subsidised rate, but I now feel deeply resentful. The 'help' I am asking them for is to ideally verbally agree a time with the plumber that works for them and to open the door so the plumber can inspect the boiler.
I need to get a range of quotes as it is going to be an expensive job (prob about 2.5-3k and I just can't afford to pay top whack).

I've never said or implied that they are charity cases but the fact is they are living in a very nice part of town in a flat that they would never be able to afford otherwise. It is a vastly subsidised rent.
I'm not expecting constant gratitude, but a thank you and a bit of give and take on the help front when I'm physically unable to resolve the situation, would have gone a long way.

In this one instance, where I'm physically unable to coordinate, I would have hoped that they could see I wanted to do a decent thing, both as landlord and sister, and just be on hand to open the door.
I'm just shocked and hurt at the amount of abuse that has come my way. I feel such a fool. Since the baby has been born, I've brought clothes, made lasagne....I feel such a fool.

He is now threatening to leave the flat and the situation is escalating.
I have not said a thing about them leaving the flat....but quite frankly, I'm feeling resentful of the attitude and the assumption that as I've a husband who can financially support me, that I'm money grabbing for pointing out that I've helped them financially and that I would really appreciate a bit of help in return in resolving the issue.

What to do?

What happens if the boiler remains broken, then?

Because by the sounds of things, your brother is being really unhelpful not even answering the phone.

Can you just arrange for people to show up? Or can you message your brother to say "please ensure you either answer the phone or get back in touch with me once you are willing to sort this out".

What a silly man. I do wonder if there's something else going on

Never mind cutting his nose off in relation to moving out, surely it is his interest to help get the boiler sorted asap? I know he won't be using the heating at the moment but having no hot water for any length of time is horrible. He needs to stop being so stroppy and answer calls.

I think you have done all you can here.

I would give him his notice and accept his offer.

Wow! He sounds really resentful of your financial situation.

I think you are doing all the right things, all you can do is message your brother and say the plumbers are trying to contact him to arrange a suitable time and if they can't contact him then they will either turn up or the boiler will go unfixed.

I don't know if I am being rather cynical but is there any chance that actually the boiler is fine (seeing that it was serviced last year) and your brother is trying to dwindle £3k out of you? Or have I been watching too many soaps?

You can't sort the boiler if he won't pick up his phone. Simple really.
It would be the sane for a regular tenant if you were out of the country.
Leave him to come round to the fact that he's being an idiot

I'd just send an emails

The boiler needs replacement
You need to be there to ensure they gain access
The longer you leave things the longer you are without hot water

I'd then rent it out to someone else and make some money -

I think you need to separate the two issues

1. He is a tenant behaving rudely and without consideration
2. He is your brother and there is love

I think you need to separate the two issues

1. He is a tenant behaving rudely and without consideration
2. He is your brother and there is love

Well it looks - from everything you have said and your updates - that you really really need to end this arrangement pronto.

Your brother is resentful of you. That's the bottom line. And, being family, none of it makes sense - on paper you're doing a fab thing for him and if he felt like a 'charity case' then he wouldn't have agreed to move in in the first place- but family relationships don't work like that. Especially with immature people, which your brother clearly is. Like a sulky child, he sees no conflict in taking with one hand (and it really is fucking taking, isn't it!! - HOW much out of pocket are you a month by supporting his family?!!) and hating and resenting you for everything you have which he doesn't with the other.

His childhsiness is so breathtaking that I really think the best thing all round will be to give them notice. Your relationship clearly isn't what you think it is anyway. He's not even picking up the phone? Why, to show you just how much he hates the idea of you helping him out any further? He really has some serious issues, and to be honest, you funding his accommodation is clearly making it worse.

Call off the plumbers. Send an email saying that he clearly is extremely unhappy with the arrangement as it stands regarding the subsidised accommodation, so yes you agree that it will be better that they move elsewhere and you hope that that will improve your relationship. You're giving them notice now. As for the boiler, you have done everything you can to facilitate a speeedy repair and it is clear that this is also somehow something he resents, so again you will now desist and leave the repair until he wishes to make contact about it. Put all this in an email, as I have a nasty feeling he will possibly try and use the fact that 'you haven't had the boiler fixed' to get at you.

He really sounds pretty unpleasant and - dare I say it - quite used to walking all over you, which is possibly one of the reasons you've ended up subbing him like this. At a guess, I'd say the sibling dynamic is him with his thumb firmly on your head, and the reason that this has blown up like it has is that he DEEPLY resents the fact that you're now, as grown ups, the one in pole position. You have the flat, he's the one being done a favour. He'd rather be the boss of you, and he isn't. Let them leave. This is never going to improve, and if it does at all it will be when there are no financial ties between you.

OP, did you actually speak to the first plumber yourself after he looked at it or have the quote/opinion emailed directly.

What is SIL like? Is she the type to not want to deal with trades or anyone if he isn't in the house?

If you have a new baby and a broken boiler so no hot water or heating, you would want it fixed asap.

Your DB's actions and reactions are really odd. Did he think you would just hand over 3k and let him deal with it?

Really odd behaviour.
If he doesn't answer phone he'll be without a boiler for some time.

I have 'changed' now I have a well off husband who is financially supporting me and that I view my brother as a 'charity case'.

I'd be inclined so say "Oh my God, I had no idea you viewed me like that. If you'd like to pay £- for the rent instead would you feel better?"

But of course that would make things worse

But seriously, accepting renting a flat off you KNOWING BLOODY WELL you could have got twice as much renting to someone else, then accusing you of treating them like a charity case? Gobsmacked.

Lj8893 has a valid point.
If your boiler breaks down, it's a real pain in the butt, especially with a baby around.
It would definitely be a major priority to get it fixed.
Is there not a guarantee for the recently installed one ?
Sounds to me, like he may be on the cadge, hope Im wrong.🤔

Agree that it's better if he moves out. Rent the flat out at market value. Make some money. If they don't care about the boiler being repaired can you be comfortable about how they are keeping the place up at all?

PS. My phone went weird an I could not finish my post.
People who say 'do not fix the boiler' are WRNG because you will then have a court case on your hands. As a landlord you have responsibilities.
Also as a tenant he is also duty bound to allow tradesmen in to quote and to fix the flat.

As a brother... sounds like total whingeing and moaning has occurred and somehow these two think they should be gifted even more than they are receiving.

As a landlady you are entitled to charge whatever rental vaue you attach to the property. I would give them notice to increase the rent with an explanation that you can no longer afford to rent to them at the low figure. Thereby also increase the rent each year. For pity's sakes you are pregnant and need the income if only to make your life and baby's better.
Secondly talk to your brother about his attitude to you and tell him clearly he has hurt you by being rude and abusive.Also ask him what is behind this change of behaviour

So are you money grabbing OR do you view your brother as a charity case? Surely you can't be both!

I agree that he needs to leave. Keep it polite, and civil. But if he doesn't leave you're going to be facing variations of this same scenario again and again.

I would let him either confirm when he's leaving or give him notice.
In my experience never rent to family or friends it's a recipe for disaster, they expect way too many consessions.

Your brother is being a dick.

I have lived in a below market rent flat. My landlady was a wise old lady who wanted her property looked after and no hassle.

I was responsible for sorting repairs and she paid me back. It worked well. For major stuff I would have had to get quotes.

I knew and acknowledged that she was helping me I couldn't have afforded to live there without her help. She knew that she was saving on agent's fees and that I would look after her property and not piss her neighbours off.

Actually the way its done her DH is subsidising her family

your brother is being an ungrateful arsehole, and no doubt that is in part caused by his sleeeplessness and newborn baby (very stressful) and in part caused by the humiliation and emasculation of cadging off his sister instead of paying his own way.

You seem to have a politely embarrassed and distant relationship with your brother. can't you just say "stop being an arsehole I was rushing to get it fixed so your baby had hot water numbnuts" or something similarly informal and sibling like?

Always a bad idea to sacrifice huge amounts of financial comfort by getting into messy financial relationships with family members by the way - it always, always goes wrong.

Ijustwannadance
I haven't heard from SIL during this - only bro - and don't really expect to. She is bf at present and Is tired.

BalloonSlayer
The 'charity case' ref is really hurtful. I've never done anything to suggest I think that (I don't), but the reality is what they have now is both a far better location and standard of living than they would otherwise be able to afford. I thought they liked living there and appreciated the favour. I'm not and haven't rubbed their noses in it, nor do I want or expect constant gratitude or grovelling, but I had expected a bit of tacit understanding that there would be a bit of give and take on the help front in difficult extraordinary situations like this. Clearly not, and I'm going to have to address this contractually going forward.

Regarding the boiler:
As it stands, I have no idea whether an engineer will be able to access the flat or not, despite my arranging and having paid for an appt today and asking the engineer to call my bro ahead and arrange a time for their preference. The last I knew, earlier this am, was that they had tried to telephone but no one picked up.

Having read the replies; I think I will wait to see what happens with the boiler. I've done all I can for the moment.

Let them go, they wont find anywhere to be honest if they want to stay in London, get the boiler sorted and get it on the market at going rate.

As a minimum revise the rent, it can still be below market but cover costs associated with the flat.

At the end of the day he wanted it sorted as soon as - you did your best its not your fault he didn't keep on top of emails etc

Oh gosh, I feel for you OP - I'm a LL and would be tearing my hair out.

The immediate issue of the boiler - get a second quote / Valliant engineer out with several hours notice (ie. enough time for brother to see it hopefully). Let brother and SIL know - if they want it fixed/replaced, they need to allow access.

The broader issue - I've no idea how rationally anyone thinks at 3 weeks post-partum (I'm also 8 months along with my first). If in general he is an OK tenant and the setup broadly works, I'd let the dust settle for a few weeks after the boiler is repaired/replaced and then have a chat with him: "DB, you're my tenant but also my brother, and as you know you're paying about half what any other tenant would pay to live here. When something like the boiler happens, I expect a certain amount of cooperation from you - one, because I'm doing everything I can to sort a problem for you, as quickly as possible, and in those circs any tenant has that obligation, and two because I'm your sister and having a pop at me when I'm trying to help you, isn't on."

If this is part of a broader general whinginess/resentfulness, then I agree with others that it may be time to serve notice. Not right now - sort out the boiler, don't add fuel to the fire and make him more unhelpful - but in a week or so.

Call his bluff and let him go. He's is being massively unreasonable.