To feel completely conflicted about having a baby? Potential to lose my husband....

[MinorDelays]

Probably the wrong place to post - but am driving myself insane and thought this the best place to get some honest answers & a bit of traffic.
My husband and I have been discussing having children since we got married 2 years ago (and I've always known he is desperate for children) - I've always thought I wanted children too - but it always seemed a distant, far off prospect I guess. We're both early 30's. A year ago I found myself pregnant through utter stupid, carelessness and the thought that if it happened I would warm to the idea. I panicked - I was driven mad with fear (fear of change, fear of financial pressures, fear of not loving my child, of losing my identity, losing my life etc etc.) I was honestly a total mess & wanted to die - but couldn't tell anyone how I felt. The few people who did know I was pregnant kept saying 'You can never prepare yourself for what's about to happen', 'Sleep now while you can' 'Life's about to change beyond anything you can imagine' etc etc - I know all this is true, but it just added to my own sense of doom, and I've never felt more alone or totally desperate. I ended up losing the baby at 9 weeks - which actually was awful - but I felt a relief to know that baby wouldn't have me as a mother :(
My husband is desperate for a baby & I want a family and to give him that - but my entire mindset is completely negative - everything I read and that people tell me seems to affirm that having a baby will make life so much harder. I feel like having a baby really marks the end of my youth, however sad that sounds.
I could face this if I could imagine loving a baby - but to me, my own child is so abstract that I can't picture it. I can't imagine loving a stranger. I know that sounds mad! I have nephews and nieces whom I love dearly. We are relatively financially secure - I have been determined to save £20k before having a baby & we're well on our way to that, we have our own home (albeit with a considerable mortgage) and we love each other hugely. I know I can wait to have a baby - but I am terrified this feeling will never change. Has anyone else felt like this? I'm desperate for people's positive feelings towards motherhood, or if anyone ever felt like I do and went on to be a happy mother, as all I can imagine is the hardship it will bring. Thank you for your thoughts x

I can identify with some of your feelings. I wanted children but as soon as I was pregnant felt dread and horror. It was a difficult pregnancy and birth and I think that added to those feelings. I felt as though I couldn't really tell anyone how I felt and it was actually a horrible time even though it was what I had initially wanted.

When my son arrived there was no sudden rush of love, I was simply dazed, confused and overwhelmed. But now almost 2 years later, he is such a source of joy and my DH and I (who I suspect felt the same as I did during my pregnancy) love him more than anything.

Your life and youth will not be over. It will be different. In some ways harder but I feel I have more purpose and I value my time and the independence that I do still have, much more.

I think more people than those that will admit it feel the fear and doubt about having a baby. I don't know if that helps but you certainly aren't alone feeling this way.

I think you need to establish if the idea of having a baby is scary but something you want, or if you really don't want one. I too felt guilty for being my daughter's mum (still do) as I've got very low self esteem, but I felt deep down I did want a child, and since she turned one (now 4) it's been great. (The first year was beyond awful but the wonderful thing is that it only lasted a year!)

You asked for positive stories so you're getting positive stories, but I hope you don't mind if I come on and be a bit eyoreish, just for balance.

I don't regret my kids, because they are lovely people. But honestly? If I was 30 year old me, I don't think I'd do it if I'd have known how it would turn out. I didn't hope or expect for maternal feelings to come, and it's good I didn't, because they didn't. I love my kids (twins) but I love them more now they are a bit older. The toddler and baby years were a total grind.
Also, and obviously this doesn't happen to everyone, but it's worth thinking about... I had some fertility problems (recurrent miscarriage) and so I was trying for about 5 years, during which time my focus wasn't much on my career. At the same time my DH's career took off. He was earning over 3 times what I was by the time I went off on maternity leave, and then just as I was due to go back to work he was made redundant. He couldn't find a similar job nearby but he found an excellent job abroad, in a place where it would be great to bring up kids, so it made total sense to move there. But that leaves me stranded here with my career (at 40, with two small kids, and no qualifications that count in this country) a bit marooned as regards career. I'm now a SAHM trying to do a solo project that I've had on the back burner for a few years. It's good on paper, but everything I liked about my life - having a job I was good at, colleagues, time alone, travelling around - is gone, and it is a bit shit, and it won't change soon. I was ready to do motherhood if I could go back to work full time and me and DH could share the remaining childcare but I realise now that that was a best case scenario, and quite precarious, and that when unexpected bad things happen, it's the lower earner who's usually shafted, and that's usually the woman. And if any of that gives you the shivers, then I advise you to think very carefully about having children. There is nothing wrong with deciding that it's not for you. Better that than risk having a child and struggling.

Not having a child because of some negative comments about sleep/nappies is the equivalent of someone not wanting to have a relationship because their married friends complain about the toilet seat being left up.

These are little things you take in your stride. Try remembering when you were single, the idea of marriage (to someone who was then a stranger) would seem intimidatingly monumental. This is the same, you are capable of love and coping with life changes. If you want to have a child is a different issue, but your post is all about fear and failing.

Also, people aren't going to tell you all the great things about having children, it sounds smug and they might be sensitive to your child free status. It's great fun! There will be more people thinking it's the best thing they ever did, than say it's the hardest (which are not mutually exclusive categories anyway).

Yeah and I would second pandarific's suggestion to look into your own childhood. There was emotional abuse in my childhood and it makes it TONS harder, but because nobody talks about it, you go around thinking it won't have any effect in your parenting. It will.

I felt somewhat similar but much less intensely. I figured I'd never go to the bookstore again on my own, never take a bath alone, and had anxiety about the sleepless nights (had insomnia even before kids so I couldn't imagine what it would be like with a baby). I loved my baby before he came but I dreaded it as well since I had an easy pregnancy.

Well ds was a great traveler so we ended up going to lots af bookstores and libraries, he slept a lot at the beginning so I had lots of baths alone, and he slept thru at 12 weeks but would sleep for 4 hours at a time anyway so I was never completely sleep deprived. I dreaded so much that never happened!! We never know what's going to happen. But it might be much better than you think - just have reasonable expectations.

MinorDelays

I felt exactly like you did about babies, wasn't interested and wasn't bothered, no maliciousness about it, just wasn't my thing.

Then I accidentally fell pg, and in all honesty I didn't think I really wanted
the baby, the only reason I kept on with the pregnancy was because DH was so keen! I never bonded with the bump of anything like that, I was busy thinking about how quick I could get child care sorted and get back to work.

And then I met my little boy, and my life changed forever. It was that sudden, I fell in love all in a moment.
And when I had my second it was much the same- I didn't bond with her untill I met her.

Parenting is a different journey for everyone, I'm just sharing my experience as one example, but the short version is I didn't bond with my babies while I was pregnant, and it turned out ok.

Sorry to go against the grain, but I felt nothing but absolute love and adoration for my daughter the second she was born.

She was beautiful and precious and I wanted to eat her.

I am not gonna lie though, the the worst thing about having a baby was the sleep deprivation. NOTHING can prepare you for that.

That said, I know she couldn't help waking every hour and a half!!! I used to be the one getting up too, as DH couldn't breastfeed!

But I have to say, I didn't want kids til about 27/28. Wasn't a fan at all - especially as many people I know had kids who were little hellbats!!!. And even now I have little tolerance for kids who are 'naughty.' But I love my daughter to bits (she is in her 20's now.) She is a daughter, and friend, and a soulmate. We have so much in common and I love her to death.

Loved the post by @random79 (near the top of page 1.) Great to hear a man's perspective. My DH would say the same. He adores our daughter.

You do have to be sure you want a baby though. Don't have one because your partner wants one, or to 'save a marriage.' When I had one, I WANTED one. And so did DH. Weirdly, we never wanted kids when we got married, but 6 or 7 years later, we both started getting broody, within months of one another!!!

Good luck OP. I am sure it will all work out.

Loss of identity, and financial pressures are nt inevitable. Have you spoken to your husband ? He may be able to to re assure you.

You don't HAVE to have kids OP. You don't need to justify your decision not to.
I have no children and I know it's not for me. I just know.

I don't think it's true that nobody regrets having a baby. I know a couple of people who adore their children and yet who say that if they could go back and change the past they wouldn't have had them. You can love your child more than anything in the world and still regret / resent the life changes they bring with them.

Your husband is desperate for children but you are afraid of the changes they'll bring. The truth in our society is that children tend to change their mothers' lives a good deal more than their fathers'. Is your H prepared to be primary parent / SAHD / default household organiser etc if you would not be happy in these roles?

Currently 23 yo and I didn't want kids til I was 30 or so. Am now 23 weeks into my first pregnancy and baby is kicking as I type. It's an odd feeling and I still have mixed feelings as I'm worried I'll turn out like my mum or that I won't really bond with the baby. My nan told me to remember that not everyone bonds with their child straight away and that it's perfectly ok for it. Just go through the motions until it happens or until it becomes natural.
It also helps to keep your mind off of it sometimes I think. But I'm honestly surprised at how relaxed I am atm. And I don't like children at all (kinda terrified of them tbh but there we go.) Feelings change and I'm sure yours will too.

I think only you can decide whether you want this. Maybe think about when your nephews and nieces were born....did they seem like strangers? I know mine didn't.

I think you are right about your husband though, I expect if you decide against children that he will either leave, regretfully of course, or will stay but the resentment will poison things. It may be better to sort this out sooner rather than later so you can both move on if need be.

I agree with itshappening: only you can resolve this. Other people's experiences are theirs, and you can't know which way it would go for you (compare my earlier post with MorrisZapp's: we made basically the same decision, but it worked out differently).

I couldn't have what I wanted: I couldn't stay married to DH and have him be happy if we didn't have a family. He would have stayed - he wanted to be with me more than he wanted to look for the chance of having a baby with someone else - but he would have been a fundamentally disappointed person. If I hadn't been sure of that I wouldn't have taken the risk of having a baby.

I could have written your post.
I never seemed to hear a positive thing about parenthood and was really conflicted about it during my early 30s. I loved travelling, eating out and going to the theatre. In addition although my parents clearly loved me they didn't seem to have really enjoyed having children. I had my DC a few months ago. Your life does change but it is the most wonderful experience and a whole new adventure. I don't feel deprived at all - although it can be tiring. My partner is very helpful though. In some ways I wish I had started a little earlier. You do realise your life won't be the same again but I don't mind that. It's just different. If you like travelling though I really would do that big trip that might not be easy with a DC now.

I had my ds at 38. I wasn't a big fan of kids before I had him. Having him is the best thing ever! I wish I'd done it sooner (but I don't like saying that cos I wouldn't have had the same baby if I'd had one earlier, and he's the best)

I totally identify OP, am same age bracket as you, except as well as seeing only the negatives in having a child, losing my freedom and life to it, I am also really scared of giving birth.

I'm in a kind of opposite situation as my DP is increasingly sure he definitely doesn't want more children (he has one from a previous relationship). Which on the one hand is great as I can't imagine wanting any either, but OTOH I'm terrified of suddenly waking up with that overwhelming broodiness and it being too late for me or my DP being definitively against it.

Damn the biological clock basically. I hate the pressure of it all, and the fact that having a baby would be like walking off a cliff on blind trust that the invisible safety net (ie overwhelming love for the baby and not being able to imagine life without it) will catch you and stop you from shattering yourself and your perfectly lovely life into a million pieces that can never be put back together.

They don't stay babies for very long. I find children around 3 onwards utterly fascinating and adorable. Ask yourself this, do you see yourself with an older child in say ten years time?

I'm not kidding when I say they really do grow up so fast. Can you imagine having a grown up daughter or son to go out with?

Many people do regret having children, though it is taboo to say. And lots of people have your feelings and decide having children is not for them. They go on to live incredibly happy and fulfilled lives. No one else is living your life for you; you can't have children just to please your husband. Don't have them on a whim; you have to be really sure.

I've done a name change for this reply, as it is quite sensitive to me personally. Your post really resonates with me, as a year ago I went through almost exactly the same thing. The difference is, we deliberately tried for a baby and I was affected by mental health issues. I have a long history of chronic anxiety and panic disorder, triggered by a very traumatic childhood.

We started TTC in late 2014 and by the beginning of 2016 I had been diagnosed with PCOS and we were about to begin fertility treatment. We became really desperate to conceive as we didn't want to go through fertility treatment if we could avoid it. By some miracle I found out last July that I was pregnant. In the initial moment I saw the two pink lines my heart soared and I cried because it had taken so long but finally there were two lines on my test.

Within 10 minutes I was having a panic attack that lasted almost three weeks. I suddenly realised I was terrified, and over the days I was scared of being a bad mother, scared of the pain of birth, scared of morning sickness, scared I wouldn't love the baby, then scared I would love it so much I would never recover if the baby was hurt in some awful way. I was terrified that I wouldn't cope, scared of the financial implications, scared of the effect on my career. I was terrified of every form of change that comes with having a baby and I was very, very poorly. In the end I seriously considered a termination because I was no longer sure I could cope with or wanted a baby. My husband was extremely concerned for me and we had to have involvement from the mental health crisis team because they were scared I would hurt myself. Everyone was also confused because they could see we had been about to start fertility treatment and now I was saying I couldn't go through with the pregnancy.

It also didn't help that we were in the middle of a heat wave and due to the pregnancy my body temperature had risen and I felt like I was on fire, which made me feel trapped and cornered in and made my panic attacks worse.

Then I miscarried, painfully and messily, at 7 weeks and it was very traumatic. But in the moment before they told me there was no baby, my heart suddenly wanted to grasp onto my child. At the same time there was a real sense of relief that the nightmare of my pregnancy was over. I've been very conflicted, at one point believing the baby knew I didn't want it and so it died because of that, at another time I really convinced myself that the anti-depressants and sedatives I was given caused developmental problems with the foetus.

I guess, what I want to tell you is that you are not alone in what happened to you, and you are not alone in how you feel now either. We have stopped TTC in the year since my miscarriage because we were both very traumatised by the whole thing and have seriously discussed whether children are for us in the future. There isn't a right answer. Sometimes we say no, never and other times we say maybe in another couple of years.

Some things that have helped me have been seeing a counsellor regularly to help me unpick my childhood trauma and my pregnancy and miscarriage issues. I've also been feeling differently lately towards pregnancy and parenthood, realising that I feel more drawn towards the idea of a baby, rather than the abstract thought of one. That's hard to explain.

Either way, you are not alone and I hope this reply helps you as much as your thread has helped me. xx

I had friends who said they were in love when the baby was a just a little bump, and I felt nothing like that.
I think it's like with anyone else, you develop love as you get to know the person.
I love my son now very much! Although I had no maternal feelings at all before I had a baby. My husband always wanted one more, and he's an incredible father. But I've turned out to be a pretty good mother and am very happy we have another one on the way now.

I've always been horrified at the changes I would have to make to my life if I had children. That feeling shows no sign of going away at all.

People tend not to go as far as to say they regret having children. This thread is the closest I've seen.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/2731884-I-hate-having-kids

I didn't bond with my bump at all during pregnancy. I've never been maternal. I'm quite lazy and self focussed. I loved my job and worked a lot. I LOVE sleep, I quite like a class of wine. I really like nice holidays. I usually find kids quite boring.

I loved my son the second he was born, although it was a very primal "I'll keep this thing alive" type of love. In the first few weeks I was very uncertain as to whether we had done the right thing having a child. I missed sleep, and getting drunk, and sex!

And then slowly, DS turned into a little human. And I can not begin to tell you the strength of love I have for him. He is my absolute joy. And I've had a happy life with a Lot of love. I didn't think I could love more than I had but, by god, I adore him. He makes me heart leap. And he makes me laugh like no one else.

Not all babies are awful sleepers, I don't miss sleep as much as I thought I would. If I wanted wine, sex and nice holidays - they would all be manageable to.

But if you don't want it, don't do it. Babies do change things - for me I'm happier for it but if you think you won't be, then you don't have to

Thank you for your responses - I really appreciate the perspective. In response to those referring to childhood trauma - there was nothing significant, I had a happy family life, although my Dad died when I was a teenager and I almost lost my brother in a very serious accident. My mum has never been hugely maternal, but a great mum - if that makes sense. She has always pushed me to excel in my career & from a younger age always told me to wait to have children - I think I've always felt quite anxious she would disapprove when I did get pregnant, so that might have something to do with it.
I do suffer from anxiety, although I am generally a happy person. I have surprised myself with the intensity of fear, anxiety and hopelessness around this issue though - and particularly when I was pregnant. I work very long hours and find myself exhausted a lot of the time, so this probably doesn't help me picture adding a baby into the mix. My husband and I have also spent the best part of 5 years saving to buy a property (which we have just managed to do) - and it has made me far more conscious of our finances - now we are ploughing all savings into a 'baby fund', but I am fearful having a baby will mean we are no longer able to save and will compromise everything we've worked for. Having said all this, I can't envisage my future without a child and a family. I really need to discuss my fears - but my husband says 'I'll look after you' - which I don't doubt for a second, but I really need him to hear my fears.

Eggsclamation - your story sounds so similar to me, I really resonate with what you've been through x