To feel completely conflicted about having a baby? Potential to lose my husband....

[MinorDelays]

Probably the wrong place to post - but am driving myself insane and thought this the best place to get some honest answers & a bit of traffic.
My husband and I have been discussing having children since we got married 2 years ago (and I've always known he is desperate for children) - I've always thought I wanted children too - but it always seemed a distant, far off prospect I guess. We're both early 30's. A year ago I found myself pregnant through utter stupid, carelessness and the thought that if it happened I would warm to the idea. I panicked - I was driven mad with fear (fear of change, fear of financial pressures, fear of not loving my child, of losing my identity, losing my life etc etc.) I was honestly a total mess & wanted to die - but couldn't tell anyone how I felt. The few people who did know I was pregnant kept saying 'You can never prepare yourself for what's about to happen', 'Sleep now while you can' 'Life's about to change beyond anything you can imagine' etc etc - I know all this is true, but it just added to my own sense of doom, and I've never felt more alone or totally desperate. I ended up losing the baby at 9 weeks - which actually was awful - but I felt a relief to know that baby wouldn't have me as a mother :(
My husband is desperate for a baby & I want a family and to give him that - but my entire mindset is completely negative - everything I read and that people tell me seems to affirm that having a baby will make life so much harder. I feel like having a baby really marks the end of my youth, however sad that sounds.
I could face this if I could imagine loving a baby - but to me, my own child is so abstract that I can't picture it. I can't imagine loving a stranger. I know that sounds mad! I have nephews and nieces whom I love dearly. We are relatively financially secure - I have been determined to save £20k before having a baby & we're well on our way to that, we have our own home (albeit with a considerable mortgage) and we love each other hugely. I know I can wait to have a baby - but I am terrified this feeling will never change. Has anyone else felt like this? I'm desperate for people's positive feelings towards motherhood, or if anyone ever felt like I do and went on to be a happy mother, as all I can imagine is the hardship it will bring. Thank you for your thoughts x

I could have written your post just over 21 years ago.
DH made it clear from our earlier dates that he wanted to settle down with kids. I did as well........somewhere in the future.
One day the future arrived and it was make or break or in my case break up with DH ( or (DP) as he was then.
I couldn't imagine being a mum, I liked my life too much , what if I didn't love 'it' and so on.
I bit the bullet and got pregnant on first hit, which was probably a good thing before I changed my mind.
I panicked. I remember waiting for DH to pick me up from work one night and he suggested that we go out for tea. I remember bursting into tears thinking I'll never do anything spontaneous again.
I put off going to the doctors. However when I went they it on the machine where you can her the heartbeat. I cried my bloody eyes out!!

Anyway DS1 was born and he wasn't an abstract random thing. He was my son!!
He is 21 in a couple of weeks and DS is nearly 18.
I love family life.
For me what has made it happy, looking back, was throwing myself into it. I love ( and still do) having their friends around, I love weekend trips away. Here is the most corniest phrase ever, 'building memories'. Without knowing it was going to become a fashionable term that's what we did.
I didn't want to be a mother really but I'm so lucky that I am one, really lucky and also thankful that I got the opportunity to have two smashing lads with lovely girlfriends and great mates around them.

We've had some rough times, it's not all been nice smelling roses but that's life.
In my case motherhood hasn't been particularly hard. I have had two NT children, I have had a partner who has pulled more than his fair share at times and respected me and taught the boys how to respect. We did have money worries about 16 years ago but got through it a year or two later.
If I could have my time again I would and next time not be as nervous and embrace pregnancy more.
That's my story. You will have your own to look back on but if you go for it enjoy your journey.

you sound like a mother who would be a great mother. you want it all perfectly rdy for the kiddo and trying to plan this. I only think (from experience) you cant plan it all.

Kewcumber - nicely put! The only caveat I would make is that there seems to be another load of misery for everyone in the teen years between 13 and 17. So it seems like the years from about 6 to 12 are great, but before and after is tricky .

I'm just kidding, of course all situations are different!

If he is so desperate for children, has he considered fostering?

Fostering is not in anyway a substitute for having children. And it would be difficult for a man with no experience who (presumably) works to be approved.

I agree Kewcumber

lanouvelle - not necessarily, i have enjoyed my teens more than at other stages in many ways. I think I've just liked it more and more, with ups and downs. DS1 was harder 6-12 than at any time since.

... sorry I see you [winked]

For me, earlly baby was wonderful in theory (and I wish I could go back and have it again, but not feeling the way i felt at the time), toddler was hilarious but very very trying, Primary was lovely but with friendship issues/bullying - hard. Teens is fun but worrying at times

I agree with Vestal. Why do women try to talk other women into having babies? Having a baby to make someone else happy has to be the worst reason ever.

"I'll look after you" is so much garbage and suggests that he doesn't see you as an adult, equal partner. If he did, he'd be looking at the practicalities of how the two of you could become parents and share the work in a way that means you can keep the aspects of your life and self that are really important to you.

Having said upthread that it can work out OK, I now think you shouldn't have a baby with this man: he thinks it's your job. You'll look after the baby and he'll look after you (never mind that you wouldn't need looking after if it weren't for his baby...). It's very paternalistic.

I disagree that the early years "fly by" for everyone. For me, sleep deprivation for each DC was around 3 years, so since there's a 3 year age gap 6 years in total. This negatively affected my health, especially mental health, and all aspects of my life!

And older DC remain a massive responsibility in every sense. They still require a lot of parents' resources of every kind!

I love being a parent, but also find life with a MH issue, job, relationship and DC very hard at times.

No one knows what others' experience will be.

Yes, HOW would your DH "look after" you and your DC? Do night parenting? Take shared parental leave? Adjust his work pattern to be home early while you're on maternity, and then to share parenting and manage childcare when you return to work? Not travel for work?

DH did all but the first of those (we had DC before shared parental leave came in).

If yes to those and other things, things are more hopeful

If he is so desperate for children, has he considered fostering?

I am surprised at this suggestion.
I work for children's services for a County Council and closely with the Fistering team. Before this I always thought it would be lovely to foster one day and share my home. Hell would freeze over before I out consider fostering knowing what I know.
I do accept many people have positive long term relationships and fair play to them.

Op, pre pregnancy jitters are common!
It sounds you are nearly there with convincing yourself you just need that final push.
We can't do it for you but good luck with what ever you decide.

I totally agree Loopytiles

Having a baby is such a daunting, scary, unknown experience that I'm not surprised you're feeling unsettled at the prospect of actually having a baby. But...lots of women and men feel that way whether they admit to it or not. It's one of those unsaid things that no one wants to admit to or speak aloud.

I tried for 4 years for my dd and after a failed round of IVF we naturally conceived my little miracle. Despite the heartache, frustrations and fear that we'd never have a child, I can still vividly remember waking night after night from about 25 weeks pregnant worrying myself silly about whether I would be a good mother, did I really want a child, how our lives would change etc etc. If I felt like that about a much desired child who we struggled for years to conceive then I think it's acceptable for you to be having similar thoughts about a child you are not sure you want yet. Having children, and the subsequent change of life, is daunting. You don't know what to expect, you don't know how life will change, you can't imagine immediately loving this stranger in your life. It's all normal. People always say that they're in love with their newborn baby straight away but this wasn't the case for me despite what we'd been through to have her. I cared for her straight away because she was a little person who relied on me to survive but that all consuming love that I now feel for her took time. I am now pregnant with my second and I can't imagine loving the new baby as much as I love dd...but of course I will.

Babies and children are hard work at times. It can be unrelentless at times. Some days you feel like a failure. Sometimes you're bored stupid. But above all that, you have this wonderful little person who makes your life amazing in every way. They enhance your life. Yes some things are harder with children and you do have to plan further ahead, and attempt to be more organised, but you gain so much from children. You really have nothing to fear.

Thank you - all these posts are really helpful and do give me some good perspective.

I feel like I have done my DH a disservice - he perhaps isn't the best communicator (as it is always me who pushes the conversation to the everyday logistics of childcare, finances, household chores etc) - but I do trust he would pull his weight, he would definitely take parental leave - we just lock horns because I focus so heavily on the negatives and on my fears and he thinks the best way to deal with this is to gloss over everything with a sweeping positive statement, which definitely contributes to my feelings of anxiety around the issue. But to be honest, if our roles were reversed, I would find my negativity towards something he feels so strongly about very wearing.

My best friend recently told me that my anxiety & desire to plan every element of having a child might mean I end up well prepared to de al with the difficult elements, I hope there is some truth in that!

Sorry OP but I doubt that, as an anxiety sufferer. IME anxiety, to a clinical level rather than a short term "must do this" kind of drive, doesn't aid planning/dealing with situations, quite the opposite!

so it's good that you're having help for your MH. I found this very useful.

I haven't rtft so don't know if anyone has said this already.... people are really quick to moan and are far less likely to tell you the positives; about anything in life, not just kids.
I think having my kids is the most amazing and wonderful thing I have ever done. They are so funny and watching them grow and learn is a joy. I genuinely feel my life before them was so dull. Working, holidays, socialising. Everyday now something fun happens. I won't lie, of course the negative you hear are true sometimes but nothing you do in life that is rewarding, worthwhile or enjoyable is easy.

It sounds like you'll be a great mum when you decide the time is right... although I firmly believe there is never a right time as such.

OP one of the things I initially felt terrified about was the thought that I would be coping alone. My husband is amazing, and I'm sure would be or will be an amazing father. But a year ago there was a lot heaped on me already in terms of 'wife work', the mental and emotional load that gets heaped on a woman, simply for being a woman. For example, he would always say to me 'when you go shopping can you please get XYZ?' or 'can you do the hoovering tomorrow please?'. Alright yes, I can but ultimately why wasn't he doing it? I snapped in the end and pointed out he fucking lives here too, why can't he do it? And suddenly it opened up another of my feelings about the pregnancy and anxiety, realising that I had felt very alone and as though it would all be on me to run the house and care for this whole new person whilst drowning in anxiety. We have had a lot of conversations about this over the last year and now i've just about managed to get through to him that yes I will do the shopping but instead of mentally heaping stuff on me why doesn't he just write it on the fecking shopping list instead. Gradually it has improved through me telling him what I would need from him in terms of help as a parent, proving to him that its not my job to run his life for him and I feel more confident now that I might be less alone in parenthood than I would have been a year ago. You want him to hear your feelings, so you need to find a way to make it relatable to him otherwise it can be like talking to a brick wall with you misunderstanding each other.

Snowphic, sometimes its not as easy as writing a list of your fears to help you get over them. I could have written down every one of my fears and tried to plan my way around them but a true anxiety attack makes you irrational and my irrationality did not lift until after my miscarriage. As well as that, when trying to explain all these fears to other people, including the mental health team and a raft of GP's, all I kept hearing was 'everyone feels this way, it will be worth it when baby arrives.' OKAAAY... what if it isn't? what if all of my fears are justified in 7 months when the baby does arrive? nobody thought to help me work through the fear or irrational thoughts, they just plastered it all over with bullshit platitudes.

we just lock horns because I focus so heavily on the negatives and on my fears and he thinks the best way to deal with this is to gloss over everything with a sweeping positive statement

This is concerning. You need explanations, detailed talks and commitments, not just sweeping statements and trusting he will do the right thing.

You say you "lock horns". I apologise if I'm speaking out of turn but do you mean that you argue about this?

I was never ecstatic about other people's babies, yes they were cute but I felt a bit awkward about them, not knowing how to hold them or what to do with them when anyone handed me one - same with toddlers and older kids really! I was never one to volunteer for babysitting and didn't know many nursery rhymes etc.
BUT having my own is so, so different. It's not at all how I expected it to be - and I'm not how I expected myself to be as a mum! Yes, I won't lie it's hard work and sometimes I long for the simplicity of life before kids (OMG having lie-ins?? Being able to leave the house without spending half an hour packing bags and getting kids ready????)... but (cliche I know) I can't imagine life without my boys and being a Mum has added just a different kind of purpose to my life. I love them to bits.
Not everyone needs to have kids, that's fine. For me it was a long term decision - I could not see myself growing old without having a family, kids, grandkids (fingers crossed) one day.
Your DH sounds like he will be very supportive and hands-on, so your situation sounds better than many mums'.

Not to presume too much but... Are you talking yourself out of having a baby for fear of miscarrying again? x

I categorically didn't want children -
I positively wanted to not have them - in my early 30s and talked DH out of having children. At 36 the weirdest thing happened and a switch literally flicked in my head. I can still remember the moment, it was bizarre. At that point I knew i wanted to have a child. I shut up about it for a bit, made sure i wasn't going to change my mind again and then talked DH round again! I had DD after my 38th birthday. I didn't feel that immediate overwhelming love but did feel immediate overwhelming responsibility. Now I love her to bits. Sadly I failed to talk DH into a second but I did try!

I suppose my point is that sometimes you change your mind. I would never have expected to do so having been very clear in my view before. But you also might not. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to parent a child that you didn't want and love, and I'd be wary of putting myself in that position.

But don't be put off by how other people are about pregnancy, everyone is different. I found all the bump petting rather bizarre and a little creepy and tended to look away in embarrassment. Didn't mean I don't love my child, just that's not my type of behaviour.

OP - I suggest you seek out some views of women who chose not to have children for balance.

I didn't want kids for years. The physical act of carrying and birthing a child terrified me, I was worried about my career, and I have a somewhat dysfunctional mother that I was scared I'd turn into. My husband also was happy remaining childless, until a few years ago.

I decided to take one for the team. It took a few years to conceive, but we've now got the most awesome little lad who I adore, and I'm actually not too bad at this motherhood lark (perpetual fear and guilt notwithstanding).

However, I have a friend who was in an identical situation, and she's finding motherhood very hard. She loves her baby, but feels that she's lost herself and admits she often wishes she could go back to her old life.

I also have numerous childless friends in their late 40s and 50s who genuinely seem very happy with their choice.

I wasn't ready to have my third child. We were trying to have another but it happened the first month. I must have done 40plus tests because I couldn't believe it.
I didn't prep during the pregnancy, didn't pack a hospital bag, just felt really disengaged from the pregnancy.

Then I had her & honestly I could never imagine my life without her, she's completed our family & I'm crazy about her.

What I'm trying to say is that you might not feel ready, but you will love your children once they arrive. What you're feeling is okay!

OP, I'm replying to your post from a very different perspective. I was 33, very comfortable financially and with a fantastic man in a fantastic relationship, so why shouldn't we try for children?

Started taking folic acid, worked out my fertile period, had sex once and hurrah! Pregnant.

Except, I wasn't happy - I had the 'usual' reaction of being terrified, however that never left me and it got worse and worse and worse. Not just worrying about if I'd be a good Mother, but literally being so miserable and low every-single-minute-of-every-single-day. There was no joy, no happiness and literally no excitement.

I tried desperately to 'be like others'. Talking to my pregnant friend, reading baby books 'What to expect when you're expecting', I even tried to 'go with the flow' and joined the antenatal club on Mumsnet - Except all of that just made me feel more like a 'freak' as I just wasn't happy and being around pregnancy and other pregnant women highlighted the differences in how they felt and how I felt.

My partner was incredibly supportive and said whatever I chose to do, he'd support me - Despite going to the GP and hysterically sobbing saying I wanted to take my own life and getting AD's (first time in my life), it didn't help enough and I made the incredibly painful decision to terminate at 12 weeks.

I'm 35 now and currently I am in the 'No kids' camp. I thought I'd feel differently when I was pregnant - I didn't. I didn't bond with my pregnancy and I didn't feel happy. That's not to say the pregnancy / termination didn't affect me - It will be 2 years on, on 31st October and it still upsets me and it's the biggest regret in my life that I tried to have a baby.

It's great that some women felt petrified and were able to come through the other side and don't have any regrets - I just don't think that's 100% of women and I don't think you could say 100% you'd love and not regret having children, it's a risk you take, I guess.

I'd suggest you need to work out what you really want - What YOU want, and not what your partner necessarily wants.