To feel completely conflicted about having a baby? Potential to lose my husband....

[MinorDelays]

Probably the wrong place to post - but am driving myself insane and thought this the best place to get some honest answers & a bit of traffic.
My husband and I have been discussing having children since we got married 2 years ago (and I've always known he is desperate for children) - I've always thought I wanted children too - but it always seemed a distant, far off prospect I guess. We're both early 30's. A year ago I found myself pregnant through utter stupid, carelessness and the thought that if it happened I would warm to the idea. I panicked - I was driven mad with fear (fear of change, fear of financial pressures, fear of not loving my child, of losing my identity, losing my life etc etc.) I was honestly a total mess & wanted to die - but couldn't tell anyone how I felt. The few people who did know I was pregnant kept saying 'You can never prepare yourself for what's about to happen', 'Sleep now while you can' 'Life's about to change beyond anything you can imagine' etc etc - I know all this is true, but it just added to my own sense of doom, and I've never felt more alone or totally desperate. I ended up losing the baby at 9 weeks - which actually was awful - but I felt a relief to know that baby wouldn't have me as a mother :(
My husband is desperate for a baby & I want a family and to give him that - but my entire mindset is completely negative - everything I read and that people tell me seems to affirm that having a baby will make life so much harder. I feel like having a baby really marks the end of my youth, however sad that sounds.
I could face this if I could imagine loving a baby - but to me, my own child is so abstract that I can't picture it. I can't imagine loving a stranger. I know that sounds mad! I have nephews and nieces whom I love dearly. We are relatively financially secure - I have been determined to save £20k before having a baby & we're well on our way to that, we have our own home (albeit with a considerable mortgage) and we love each other hugely. I know I can wait to have a baby - but I am terrified this feeling will never change. Has anyone else felt like this? I'm desperate for people's positive feelings towards motherhood, or if anyone ever felt like I do and went on to be a happy mother, as all I can imagine is the hardship it will bring. Thank you for your thoughts x

[Lottapianos]

Fluffy, you absolutely are 'allowed' to grieve. It's still a huge loss, even though you made the decision to end the pregnancy. I can well imagine that both anniversary dates are still very raw for you x