To feel completely conflicted about having a baby? Potential to lose my husband....

[MinorDelays]

Probably the wrong place to post - but am driving myself insane and thought this the best place to get some honest answers & a bit of traffic.
My husband and I have been discussing having children since we got married 2 years ago (and I've always known he is desperate for children) - I've always thought I wanted children too - but it always seemed a distant, far off prospect I guess. We're both early 30's. A year ago I found myself pregnant through utter stupid, carelessness and the thought that if it happened I would warm to the idea. I panicked - I was driven mad with fear (fear of change, fear of financial pressures, fear of not loving my child, of losing my identity, losing my life etc etc.) I was honestly a total mess & wanted to die - but couldn't tell anyone how I felt. The few people who did know I was pregnant kept saying 'You can never prepare yourself for what's about to happen', 'Sleep now while you can' 'Life's about to change beyond anything you can imagine' etc etc - I know all this is true, but it just added to my own sense of doom, and I've never felt more alone or totally desperate. I ended up losing the baby at 9 weeks - which actually was awful - but I felt a relief to know that baby wouldn't have me as a mother :(
My husband is desperate for a baby & I want a family and to give him that - but my entire mindset is completely negative - everything I read and that people tell me seems to affirm that having a baby will make life so much harder. I feel like having a baby really marks the end of my youth, however sad that sounds.
I could face this if I could imagine loving a baby - but to me, my own child is so abstract that I can't picture it. I can't imagine loving a stranger. I know that sounds mad! I have nephews and nieces whom I love dearly. We are relatively financially secure - I have been determined to save £20k before having a baby & we're well on our way to that, we have our own home (albeit with a considerable mortgage) and we love each other hugely. I know I can wait to have a baby - but I am terrified this feeling will never change. Has anyone else felt like this? I'm desperate for people's positive feelings towards motherhood, or if anyone ever felt like I do and went on to be a happy mother, as all I can imagine is the hardship it will bring. Thank you for your thoughts x

I didn't feel much love for the baby during pregnancy at all, too abstract, even when she moved around but now my 4 year old completes my world and it's been like that since the day she was born.

It is a time of change but I feel you can make that fit with your life and honestly there's nothing more lovely than seeing your child do new things, learn and grow.

I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant with no 2 and I won't lie, I'm a lot more daunted than before but I think that's because I'm older, more grumpy and more tired!!

Yes its very difficult to work out what you want to do because there are influences from the world around you and other peoples' opinion so it is hard to know what YOU actually think. I can only speak from my experience but I tried to work out what I didn't want then thought so long as I aim away from what I know I don't want anything that comes my way will be welcome. Otherwise you are living your life in a very goal directed way which can be limiting. For example if you are hell bent against kids then get pregnant its a stress whereas if you do want one then find it difficult to conceive its a big stress. But there you go this is just another opinion!

Do not trust that your husband would pull his weight.

Talk to him, in Detail, about how he sees it working out.

E.g. Parental leave - how much will you each take ?

He is going part time ? If so, how will you make up his pension and loss of earnings from your own income.

How about the housework ? Will he do it all as he only works part time or will you help out around the house and with the baby ?

MN is full of women tearing their hair out because their partners idea of " pulling his weight " is that he does 2 hours a week and she does 166 hours.

I agree with others that you and your husband definitely need to figure out how to talk about this in depth, and then do so. Perhaps even go see someone together to help you figure out how to talk about it?

I agree with Kr1stina. You don't need a sweeping positive statement, you need a detailed, costed agreement about exactly who is going to be responsible for what, not forgetting that babycare is 24/7 in the early months and that extensive, career-interfering childcare commitments continue until they're in high school. Otherwise it's incredibly easy to just start living the stereotype because you're exhausted and it's the path of least resistance.

fluffypersian the same thing has happened three times to a friend of mine. She did the same as you and I, tried for a baby and then found she was utterly paralysed with anxiety about it. She thought it would get better if she tried again and then again. She miscarried once and terminated twice.

It is part of what makes me scared to try again.

O don't think having a baby because someone else does is the right thing to do.
It's not the same for a woman, look at the endless threads on here where women are exhausted at the amount of work they do compared to their oh.
Then look at the treads were women are convinced their oh is having sn affair and they don't know what to do because they have dcs to consider.
Unless your dh is prepared to sacrifice his career, and do the vast majority of the housework and childcare, it will be you who makes the sacrifices.
Not many men, however much they wanted a child, make anywhere near the same kind of sacrifice.

eggs and fluffypersian.

eggsclamation I'm actually quite surprised you and your friend felt the same way - I don't mean that in a rude way, however I've found so few other women who seemed to react in the same way and I'm really sorry to hear you both felt so low.

I hope you're both coping well. I found the first few months after my termination hard, however then I kept thinking that next time would be different - Maybe if I got more counselling, if I went onto Anti-depressants before I got pregnant, if I ate differently etc. I'm getting married next year, so kind of thought 'We can start trying for children in 2018....'

However, what I started feeling, was massive pressure to fit 'everything' into my life in the next 18 months as after that, I felt it would be over. It dominated every single day of my life as I was trying desperately to feel 'normal', like 'other women' who wanted children and a family. I've finally accepted that maybe I feel like this because I'm not meant to have children - I might regret that, but I think I'd rather regret not having them..... than having them and run the risk of continuing to feel this way.

I do still find certain things triggering - Like recently, my partners 21 year old cousin announced she was pregnant and excitedly sent him a scan photo and announced it on Facebook.... I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach and started crying at my partner, saying he should find a 'normal' woman and someone who wasn't a freak - Here was his 21 year old cousin reacting like a 'normal' woman... all excited and happy, and there was me, this 35 year old weirdo who couldn't get her head around being pregnant.

So yes... not all women can go through with it, but I'm trying not to beat myself up too much (still happens, but I'm trying not to!

Loopytiles

The worst day with a baby is still better than a shitty day at work!

My two are 8 and 6 and it has been hard work but they honestly truly bring so much joy and love to our lives.

I wouldn't worry about the end of your youth either, it will end anyway. I didn't feel remotely like a grown up until I turned 40 last year!

"The worst day with a baby is still better than a shitty day at work!"

Disagree with that! Much as I love my (mDC and dislike my job. And the worst was shitty mornings with tantruming or poorly DC, day at work, then a bad night!

Fluffy, its extremely brave of you to share your story. I have always known deep down that children were not for me but I still went through periods of feeling intense grief and depression at not having them. There is so much pressure on women to become mothers, or at least to want to become mothers. Feeling like motherhood is not for you, or even feeling ambivalent about it, is just not something that it is easy to talk about

OP, as others have said, think about what you actually want, not what your partner wants or what society is telling you that you want. Not everyone falls in love with their baby and goes on to decide that it was the best thing that ever happened to them. Having a baby is a huge gamble and a huge risk - only you can decide if you think its a worthwhile risk for you. Bear in mind also what others have said about the woman's role in most families - its likely that you will be doing most of the hard work if you did have a baby

My OH was the driving force behind us trying for a baby - I was willing to do it 'in the future' but never 'now', but much of that was fear of the unknown and lack of maternal instinct (which I still don't think I have much of).

I love my nearly-two-year-old but it has been a difficult couple of years and I still have to remind myself that what/how/when we do things has changed for the next couple of decades.

As negative as that may sound, it is amazing how much tiredness and sacrifice a little smile from a baby or a new word from a toddler makes up for and I am so looking forward to seeing daughter develop more .

I should add that I've gone back to work FT, OH is PT and does more childcare. That arrangement suits us better than the 'traditional', which I think is still far too expected and assumed. What active role does your DH expect to play?

I once felt very much as you do. How on earth could I love a baby? How could I love a child? Babies always cry when I touch them and I've never seen the attraction (even after having my own I don't have interest in picking up anyone else's). Small kids are a nuisance and what on Earth do you talk to them about?
Anyway I ended up having a baby 6.5 years ago and there was no flash of light and instant love. I looked after her because that is what you do but to be honest I thought I'd made a mistake. Fast forward a few months and she started smiling and to be honest she was pretty cute. Then the first words ("No" in her case) and her little personality blossomed and I have to admit I was smitten. She is now 6.5 and I would like to hold her and put my face in her hair and breathe her in 24/7. I can't describe the strength of the love I feel for her. She is great company and really funny and we have a wonderful time together and I would kill/die to protect her. I get tearful just thinking about bad thing happening to her.. What is more all the parents I know feel the same about their own kids... even though I can't see it myself! I have a niece and nephew who I love but that love is not the same - my daughter is the sun, the moon and the stars.. Doesn't mean I don't occasionally want to lock her in the shed for driving me nuts!!!!!!!!!!!

If you can love a husband and your wider family and nieces and nephews then you will certainly love your own child and with an intensity that can be scary. It's biologically pre-programed - even in grumpy old gits like me!

Fluffypersian I was amazed to find my friend had felt the same, and in a way feel better that both yourself and OP have been through this too. I have felt so utterly alone for the last year with this, and its almost a relief to find I am not.

I've found myself grieving terribly at times after my miscarriage. It completely wrecked our Christmas and New Year because I just couldn't get a handle on myself and in the last few weeks with it coming up to the year mark since my miscarriage I've been very up and down. At other times it doesn't bother me, but I echo what you've said about other women handling it so well compared to me. I feel so unworthy of my husband and sometimes think he should divorce me and go and find someone much more normal. In the last month 5 different couples have announced their imminent children and it has left me feeling devastated that it is not us, and that we might not have that because of me.

I don't know how much I would be able to cope with, how much anti-depressant or sedative medication I could take before it would upset me, whether it would all lead to PND etc.

It is hard to explain to people who have just felt a bit worried or unsure about having kids but its all turned out ok, just how visceral and debilitating the fear and anxiety is.

Do you want a child?

Serious question. If you don't want one, don't have one for your husband. You should only have a child if you both genuinely want a child in your life for the rest of your life.

I think if you feel like this then maybe you just are not cut out for children. Its a vary adult attitude to have and I can think of two friends who made this decision.

How woukd it be fair to bring a child into the workd just hoping it would all work out.

NC for this.

I felt very similar to you - vaguely liked the idea of kids but didn't really want any. When I found out I was pg I cried and cried. I thought it would get easier once I was used to the idea but it didn't - I never bonded with the bump in any way.

I used to try to hide my bump and wear clothes that wouldn't make it obvious. When my baby was born he was put on my belly - I literally stared at him in horror until someone took him away again! (I feel ashamed even typing that, but it's how I felt - I had no connection or maternal feelings towards my baby.) In all honesty, I'm amazed the MW didn't call SS right away! DH took our baby and cuddled him while I was being sewn up, then gave him to me - I breastfed him and did all the things I was 'supposed' to be doing... but still felt nothing for him.

I looked after him and fed him and kept him clean when he was tiny - but I still didn't love him, and it absolutely terrified me knowing that! I knew nobody must ever know that; I knew it wasn't 'normal'.

I went back to work when he was a few weeks old and DH became a SAHP, which suited me perfectly. I was able to hide behind my feelings at work, then only have to look after my baby in the evenings and weekends.

BUT - gradually, over the next few months, I started to bond with him. It was probably not until he was about 18 months old that I actually felt that I loved him.

The years have rolled by and I love him more each day. I think part of it is that I'm simply not maternal; but also, I think a lot of it is that it appears that I simply prefer older children to babies (teens rock - they're witty and smart and can hold great intellectual conversations!)

My life would be a lot less rich without my DC and I don't regret it for a second - but I completely get where you're coming from. It's not an easy decision to make.

Stratus, much of what you say completely resonates with me. Thanks for writing it.

ChocolateRicecake it's so hard when you feel that way as you know you shouldn't. Your dd is still little - ime it gets a lot easier as they get older. I now utterly adore my ds and would honestly be prepared to die for him... but I wouldn't have been able to say that when he was small. Like the OP mentioned, I felt he was just a 'stranger' to me that I had to look after.

eggsclamation Your post really resonates with me as I do believe that some people can't understand how visceral and debilitating the fear and anxiety is. which is exactly how it was for me.

I totally appreciate how 'anniversary dates' can make you feel upset. I was due on May 17th and I had my termination on 31st October so I have felt quite upset on both dates and imagine I will for a good while, if not, the rest of my life. I was surprised at how physically easy it was to 'get over' my termination, however I was completely unprepared for how mentally and emotionally traumatic it was - When I had my scan, I was desperately hoping there wasn't a heartbeat, so I didn't have to make that decision - and when one of my friends was looking into a termination and miscarried, the most overwhelming feeling was jealousy - Jealousy that she didn't have to make that decision and live with the guilt for the rest of her life.

I don't know if I'm allowed to 'grieve' as unlike your experience, mine was the result of a decision that I made - However I do grieve, I do feel guilt and I still feel upset. However despite all of this - I still believe I 100% made the right decision.

I honestly feel nothing but utter respect for women who can 'cope' with pregnancy - It still terrifies me and despite potentially 'planning' as much as possible (mental health support, C section confirmed before even getting pregnant etc) ... I still believe I'd react the same way again.

I'm dreading the 'So, when are you having children'? comments at our wedding as I feel so vulnerable at times and want to snap back 'I can't, if I get pregnant, I'll want to kill myself', however I won't, as it's not anyone else's fault I feel the way I do.

Whilst I'm really sorry to hear you've been through a very similar, painful experience, I'm also glad you posted as it does make me feel less alone and if you ever want to chat, feel free to PM

I think for me one of the most difficult things was the whole twee culture around pregnancy, and things like being called "mum" by medical staff rather than my name - sounds a silly thing but I felt like a complete alien in that environment and totally uninterested in fitting in. Didn't join any groups and hated talking about my pregnancy at work - people say such stupid things to you and sort of gloat, in a way. I loathed that whole scene. It was about someone else, not me and my perception of myself which i felt I was losing in a tide of "mumness". Anyway i got through it and I have two teenage boys who are the best thing that have ever happened to me....

I'm not sure how and why people are diagnosing you with mental health issues/depression from your first post at all. I didn't get that from reading it. I got "oh yeah, that's how I felt" from it.

Neither DH nor I wanted children, that was the difference in our situation. But I got pregnant and was terrified - we both were, and in fact the first couple of years were hideous. I loved DS with a ferocity I couldn't understand but DH went into a serious decline and developed major depression, insomnia, had a breakdown at work, all the fun things.

Out of that period of hideousness came DD - we said 2we've got one we may as well have two". The first two years with both of them were also hideous and at many many points I wondered what we'd done and regretted it immensely. However, we've now got used to being a family of 4 and our kids are fun, sparky, good company and generally lovely human beings a lot of the time. I still don't really like other people's children but I tolerate for the sake of mine and I love my children dearly.

I sometimes look at my lot in life and feel incredibly blessed and feel in some redeemed in a weird way by my family and the love that exists within our nuclear group. That said, we would also have been happy without children, of that I'm sure.

There is no compulsion to have children - you really shouldn't just have them for your DH. good luck whatever you decide.