To feel completely conflicted about having a baby? Potential to lose my husband....

[MinorDelays]

Probably the wrong place to post - but am driving myself insane and thought this the best place to get some honest answers & a bit of traffic.
My husband and I have been discussing having children since we got married 2 years ago (and I've always known he is desperate for children) - I've always thought I wanted children too - but it always seemed a distant, far off prospect I guess. We're both early 30's. A year ago I found myself pregnant through utter stupid, carelessness and the thought that if it happened I would warm to the idea. I panicked - I was driven mad with fear (fear of change, fear of financial pressures, fear of not loving my child, of losing my identity, losing my life etc etc.) I was honestly a total mess & wanted to die - but couldn't tell anyone how I felt. The few people who did know I was pregnant kept saying 'You can never prepare yourself for what's about to happen', 'Sleep now while you can' 'Life's about to change beyond anything you can imagine' etc etc - I know all this is true, but it just added to my own sense of doom, and I've never felt more alone or totally desperate. I ended up losing the baby at 9 weeks - which actually was awful - but I felt a relief to know that baby wouldn't have me as a mother :(
My husband is desperate for a baby & I want a family and to give him that - but my entire mindset is completely negative - everything I read and that people tell me seems to affirm that having a baby will make life so much harder. I feel like having a baby really marks the end of my youth, however sad that sounds.
I could face this if I could imagine loving a baby - but to me, my own child is so abstract that I can't picture it. I can't imagine loving a stranger. I know that sounds mad! I have nephews and nieces whom I love dearly. We are relatively financially secure - I have been determined to save £20k before having a baby & we're well on our way to that, we have our own home (albeit with a considerable mortgage) and we love each other hugely. I know I can wait to have a baby - but I am terrified this feeling will never change. Has anyone else felt like this? I'm desperate for people's positive feelings towards motherhood, or if anyone ever felt like I do and went on to be a happy mother, as all I can imagine is the hardship it will bring. Thank you for your thoughts x

This sounds like 'pregnancy anxiety' l had it when l was pregnant and it was just awful. It's actually caused by biochemical changes in the brain whilst pregnant. I miscarried at 12 weeks, and it went.

I saw a marternal Psychiatrist who told me about it. As I wanted another child l was placed on anti depressants prior to conceiving. The next pregnancy will was fine mostly. My mum died when l was 28 weeks pregnant which triggered it again. But it was much better due to the medication x

Everything about having a baby was completely different to how I believed it would be.

I thought I'd hate being pregnant and would hate the feeling of a baby moving around - loved it

I couldn't imagine this tiny human and used to stare at her bed which was all ready for her and just not be able to comprehend what it would be like (even on my due date) - and then when she was born I thought wow! I've always known you!

Thought I would hate maternity leave - we're having the best time.

You just don't know what it'll be like until you do it.

'I'll look after you' is not good enough, particularly for someone who clearly values her independence and career as much as you do.

I suggest you sit down with your H and talk about EVERYTHING - not just about a baby, but about small children, who will look after the kid when you go back to work, would he be prepared to go part time, would you, can you share the maternity/paternity leave etc. From your posts I'm guessing that the idea of suddenly becoming entirely a mother figure gives you the heebie jeebies, but it doesn't have to be like that. It is difficult because as women we are supposed to be the maternal ones and men are expected to have a few worries and doubts, so we feel like freaks if we have them!

That said, it might be that you don't want children. And that would be OK (but, yes, to be frank it probably would end your marriage).

Something I've really noticed is that there are stock phrases people trot out during pregnancy/when you have a young baby. The whole 'ooh say goodbye to your life!' shtick is really annoying and anxiety provoking but I think it's just this weird social ritual that people had done to them and now feel the need to mindlessly carry on. And as others have said, it's mainly bollocks - there's a mad few months at the start when you feel like you will never be the same again, then suddenly it all falls into place and you start to be you again. It's a new normal, but there's no need for you to lose yourself or the things you enjoy, especially if your partner is as supportive as he sounds :)

I have never been bothered about babies and kids.. Had my own and I adore them. It's not remotely relatable to anyone elses baby. It took becoming a mum to realise that I wanted to be one! I do think people who are really against it shouldn't risk it though.

MinorDelays,
I can relate.
I, too, never wanted children. I had seen how people changed when they had children and this change looked like a bad change (as an outsider looking in).

I was petrified of losing my freedom and my youth. My looks too, especially my flat tummy As these were the things I had seen my friends lose upon becoming parents.

As it was, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. I got on with it. I wrote down all my fears and found ways to mitigate them. Kinda made plans in advance before the baby came.

Eight years later after this pregnancy, I have three children and they are my world. Some things that I feared have happened and they are not as bad as I thought- like the lack of freedom. I didn't lose my identity, my youth and looks though (this was a biggie) and this is because I exercise as a hobby, so I'm quite youthful looking and trim and my abs are super defined (vain I know, but I used to shiver at the thought I may morph into someone dowdy and frumpy once I become a mum) but do I say .

If you have money, you are half way there. For me, money came in handy because I brought in a lot of help. From the night nanny to the personal trainer to the cleaner to the dinner dates with my husband.

You also need to write a list of your fears and come up with solutions to them.

I could have written your post those years back.

And yes they're a stranger to you.. until the second you see them and it's like you've always known them. (For me anyway!)

Agree with Wei totally - people said so many specific negative things and then rounded it off with, "but of course, it's worth it." Which I never really got. I do now...

People can be absolute assholes when you're pregnant and they fall over each other to tell you all the terrible things about the bad ways in which your life will change. So many people told me all of that when I was pregnant and i was terrified and dreading it. My dc are the absolute best thing that's ever happened to me. Now I just want to say to those people just because you found it hard doesn't mean that I will.

Before I had them I don't know what I used to do with my time, yes my life is harder in some ways but so much more rewarding. until you have a baby you can't imagine the upside, which is the overwhelming love that you feel for them and The fact that you have a baby. The actual looking after a baby is not that difficult and is easy to learn. some babies will sleep through from an early age and some won't but it's just something that you get on and deal with because you don't have any other choice.

it can be hard but make sure that you have support around you and if you think you need mental health support, seek it sooner rather than later. It sounds like you're in a great position to have a baby although there is never a good time. I had serious anxiety before I got pregnant and while I was pregnant and it turns out that it was all a big waste of energy because I absolutely love it and I am a natural mum if I do say so myself. That surprised me because I was not maternal in the least beforehand and I still don't like other people's children very much. It sounds like you do want them but your anxiety is taking over so maybe some counseling to help you sort out your own feelings may be in order. It's interesting that you say that when you lost your previous pregnancy that you were relieved because you didn't feel that you will be a good mother to the baby not that you didn't want it.

And by the way the rush of love is a big fat myth and I think a lot of women don't experience it but won't admit to it because they feel as it is a failing on their part because it's what you're "supposed" to feel When you have a baby. When mine were born I looked at them and just knew that I love them there was no rush of love and that is fine as well. Sometimes it can take awhile for you to develop feelings of love but again that is not a failing.

It's an incredibly personal journey, and reality is that everyone's experience is different, so even people who have anxiety during pregnancy and then fall in love at the moment of birth can only really speak for themselves.

Also, society doesn't really accept that for some people, having children really just isn't what they envisaged, because we pedal this notion of having a baby being the most natural thing in the world and how the rush of love is all consuming, so for those people it doesn't happen for they don't feel permitted to have a voice, iyswim.

But if you think about it, we even have animals who are non maternal. How many baby animals are abandoned every year for instance, or even killed by their parent because of illness/disability, but we accept that because it's an animal and yet having children is a fairly basic animal instinct iyswim. Not that we'd condone parents abandoning their babies obviously but perhaps if people felt more permitted to being able to talk about these things we would have less issues with children growing up with non maternal parents, and the pressures of how people ought to feel. And perhaps this might even make a difference to e.g. The levels of PND currently experienced. After all, how many people talk about not liking parenthood and we put it down to hormones/depression/metal illness when actually, maybe it's just that they don't like being parents.

For me other people's babies never did it, not before I had one of my own and still not. They're cute and all but that's about it. My own was my world, and at fourteen he still is. But although I wanted more and nature didn't intend that, I'm now at the point where no way in hell would I want another one.

And I know the two opposite ends of the spectrum - one friend who absolutely detested babies, never wanted any, had one to make her dh happy, hated being pregnant and then fell in love as soon as he was born and instantly wanted more, now has three of her own and three DSC from her second marriage. And interestingly people say that she just didn't know what it was like and this was all natural. The other person I know however struggled to conceive, spent eight years having fertility treatment, had it planned to be a sahm, eventually fell pregnant and hated being a mother so much that she went back to work early. And yet society doesn't accept that. She must have PND/must have some kind of imbalance/there must be some reason behind why she feels how she feels. But to her she just spent so long thinking about having this baby, that when the reality arrived she realised that actually, being a mother was about so much more than that, and she didn't like it.

You need to do what works for you. Don't have a baby for anyone else, as hard as it is having a miscarriage, that pregnancy has given you an insight into the being pregnant bit and the looking to the future. If you feel you can't go through that again, then don't. But do have an honest conversation with your DH so that he can make his own decisions accordingly.

But whatever you decide, there is no right or wrong answer. .

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and I still have these feelings!!

I think everyone bonds with their baby at a different time, I haven't been able to translate yet my bump to becoming a real live baby. I want to have a family one day, so this is the first step to that eventuality.

I do not honestly believe anyone should plan for a baby they do not want or have a baby to please someone else.
Is simple.

Not every mother loves her baby.
Thousands of children are unwanted and I think it's totally irresponsible to have a child you aren't 100% sure you will love.
I absolutely wanted nothing more than children when I was pregnant so I've never experienced what you are feeling.
Having a child is life changing.
It changes your body and you cannot predict if your body will be the same as it once was.
Children can bring so much love into your life too.
I would speak to your dh.
In the majority of cases it is the mother who makes huge sacrifices.
You need to discuss who will be caring for your child if you have one and what options you both have work wise.
You're right that lots of people tell you all the negatives about having a child. I suppose that's human nature though.

Your husband saying 'I'll look after you' is very nice, but not at all practical, as a PP has said. What is he like now - does he do his share of the housework, shop and cook dinner, notice when you're running low on something and add it to the shopping list? Does he expect you to do cards and presents for his side of the family? Google the 'mental load' cartoon and see if it rings true. The amount of household 'stuff' increases when you have a baby, and if he's not doing his share now, it probably won't get much better after you have a child.

How much paternity leave is he entitled to? Will he take shared parental leave? Will he go back part-time? Will he do the nursery/ childminder drop-offs? Will he take time off work when your child is ill? Or will he expect you to do it all? Those are things you need to know before you have a child with him.

The op doesn't have pregnancy anxiety, as she isn't pregnant, unless I have misread?

Being anxious during a wanted pregnancy but it all coming good is a world away from not bring pregnant yet but still having a choice to make.

These threads make me think of smoking - you have to get through the coughing, disgusting part to get to the aaah, lovely fag part. But given that it's a choice, why do it at all?

For every 'it's easier than I expected' mother there are five threads in relationships detailing the unbearable stress of family life. It's ten times harder than I ever imagined and personally id get behind any campaign to enlighten women about what exactly they're getting into when they still have a choice. Rush of love and adorable maternity leave are works of fiction in my world. I nearly died because of the stress and depression. Truly the darkest time of my entire life.

Another random Dad here;!

There are three entities I treasure most in the this world above all else.

I have three amazing Daughters:-)))

Next question?.

There are lots of platitudes here but ultimately it is your body and your life and your choice. Children do make a huge impact on one's life and it isn't always positive. I know many who have stopped at one because it wasn't what they expected or they did it to please a partner or because a partner's promises to be involved dissolved at the first night-cry. Being childfree can be a positive choice for some. Be honest with yourself and with what you want. Remember, you can't give it back ...

Also, to me the 'arseholes' are those that say oh it's so worth it, it's great fun, you feel so much love' leaving women like me wondering what part of us is broken because we feel none of that. Kids bring their rewards, absolutely no doubt. But the compromise is huge, and you don't find out how hard it is until it's a done deal. I love mine more than words but getting to this point has been a battle royale, and continues to be the sole source of stress in my life.

I don't have anything to add, but just wanted to hand hold and send you

I am childless myself, but from the outside looking in, I never know really what to think about the work involved in having kids. Partly, I think that once most people go down that path, they can't really be honest with themselves or other people any more, because a gaping emotional chasm would open up under them. So there is a lot of behaviour that just looks like rationalization from the outside. I'm not sure I could honestly say that all friends of mine with kids are that happy. Some are, undoubtedly - I have one friend who is absolutely the best mother, and who lives and breathes her kids and seems ecstatically happy. But others - not so much. I know for a fact that one of my friends regrets it, as she's told me that in private. Others just seem tired, worn out with the work and bored, but will trot out the usual 'It's hard, but the highs are amazing' line. But they're kind of stuck with it, so they make the best of it. I suspect more women are bored and unhappy than care to admit it publicly.

I can totally understand where you are coming from. I wasn't sure about having a child at first cos I'm from a big family, not much money, rowing parents etc. It just all sounded like a nightmare to me and I thought "what nut case wants a family?" But I changed my mind because my husband really wanted kids and I didnt want to blame my parents for putting me off. Don't listen to all these people who go on about "no sleep" and "you wont be able to reach your toes when you are pregnant". People come up with the most awful comments in my opinion. I really think some people delight in trying to make others feel bad. They probably dont realise they are doing it. Just try and not think too much about it. Try and see how you feel one day at a time. I had a hard time with PND but i'm over it now and I couldnt imagine life without my lovely little lad. Also, children bring other things into your life, other people and other experiences.

I think you should try to get help for your anxiety and see how you feel then. Anxiety can cloud things terribly.

I think you have been impacted by your loss as a child - and your mother not being very maternal probably also hasn't helped as it hasn't really given you a good model of what parenting can be.

Don't let your husband fob you off with "I'll look after you", you're not a child, you need to talk about specifics that concern you.

As for the bonding, I didn't have a baby bump to coo over and bond with nor any rush of hormones as I adopted. I had to make a concerted effort to bond with my baby - there are exercises and games you can play to help if you struggle with it. If you want to bonding is perfectly possible even in difficult circumstances. What you have to decide is whether you want to.

I suspect that as you can't imagine yourself without a family you do but you doubt your ability to do it. But there are many ways to be a parent - you don't have to do it like your mother did it. You can be you and still be a great parent. If you want to. If you want to most things are resolvable.

OP I can only repeat what others have said, talk to your husband and make a decision that works for you. People are very good at saying "of course I will help" but that doesn't always relate to real life. Having a baby changes your life in all sorts of ways, good and bad.

I was 35 and had been in a relationship with someone for 2 years when I fell pregnant. Up until then I had never wanted children, didn't get involved with any nieces or nephews as to be honest I just wasn't interested. My job was fulfilling and I was fiercely independent. My partner was over the moon with the pregnancy - his first marriage had broken up as she didn't want kids - I should say he was 10 years older than me so thought this was his last chance. I can honestly say from that point on I existed in a frozen bubble - I didn't feel able to speak up and say "I don't want this life" - and I am sorry to say that carried on for the next 6-7 years. I gave birth to my daughter, gave up work and behaved the way everyone around me expected me to - full time mum (and then wife) with no other identity. I can honestly say I got lost over those years - did I love my daughter? I'm not entirely sure. I cared for her, read her stories, soothed the night terrors etc but I look back now and I can't clearly remember any of it. My only reference is looking at old photos and seeing how sad and frumpy I look.

This sounds like a miserable existence but 2 things made me wake up. One my husband had an affair - that nearly destroyed me as I had no-one to confide in as I had no friends and am no longer close to my sisters.

The second thing - I went back to work and rediscovered me.

My daughter is now 16 and is a beautiful, happy, confident young woman who I am so proud of. I now understand just how much I do love her and always have - I just lost myself along the way and didn't actually realise it.

She tells me how much she loves me and is proud of me for showing her that we are not one-dimensional - we evolve and change as circumstances dictate. She encourages me to be independent and pursue my own interests and ambitions.

My DH and I are still together - we now run our own business.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say to you but don't feel pressured into making a decision if you don't feel ready. I regret not standing up for myself, but I don't regret having my daughter.

Apologies for that huge post and I hope you don't feel I have hijacked your situation. xxxxxxxxxxx

I am quite horrified at how many people here want to talk a woman who does not want children into having children just because her husband wants her to.

The reality is that she will most likely be burdened not only with the physical impact giving birth has on her health, but also with most of the childcare.

Unless her husband is a 100% enlightened new man who will become a stay at home dad and do all the work involved in raising the children he wanted ... I cannot see how all those reassurances that it "doesn't have to end your career" are anything but blatantly dishonest.

OP, if you don't want children, don't have children. If you change your mind later on, good for you.

But wanting to keep your husband is NOT a good reason to have a child. Not at all.

If he is so desperate for children, has he considered fostering? Recently saw a leaflet urging people to apply as foster parents. There's demand. And he could see how well having responsibility for a child truly suits him.

I have never been particularly baby crazy I'm now pregnant with my first at 37 (it only took us 2 months to conceive so i was really lucky). What tipped it over for me was holding friends' newborns and thinking "I am really good at this, and i want to keep doing it". Not everyone feels a hugely strong urge to be pregnant. And yes it is change, and yes it is scary, but you can't go through life avoiding everything. If I had done that at 18 I wouldn't have gone to uni, wouldn't have got a great graduate job in the City, wouldn't have done anything.

lanouvelleheloise - you're certainly right that it isn't socially acceptable for mothers to say they regret having children so it's hard to judge how many people do. But I'd also caution against judging parenthood by the early years. Some people will of course find them harder than others due to their circumstances, their own personality and their child personality.

But the not getting enough sleep and having no life stage flies by and then what you have is a person in your life who you love (probably more than any other person but not necessarily). They are your family, just people, not some kind of life sucking parasite.

I know it isn't true of everyone but certainly the majority of people in my experience have a close and loving relationship with their children even if they struggled at some point. It's like any relationship - sometimes you have to put more in than you take out and sometimes you have to work at it.