To feel completely conflicted about having a baby? Potential to lose my husband....

[MinorDelays]

Probably the wrong place to post - but am driving myself insane and thought this the best place to get some honest answers & a bit of traffic.
My husband and I have been discussing having children since we got married 2 years ago (and I've always known he is desperate for children) - I've always thought I wanted children too - but it always seemed a distant, far off prospect I guess. We're both early 30's. A year ago I found myself pregnant through utter stupid, carelessness and the thought that if it happened I would warm to the idea. I panicked - I was driven mad with fear (fear of change, fear of financial pressures, fear of not loving my child, of losing my identity, losing my life etc etc.) I was honestly a total mess & wanted to die - but couldn't tell anyone how I felt. The few people who did know I was pregnant kept saying 'You can never prepare yourself for what's about to happen', 'Sleep now while you can' 'Life's about to change beyond anything you can imagine' etc etc - I know all this is true, but it just added to my own sense of doom, and I've never felt more alone or totally desperate. I ended up losing the baby at 9 weeks - which actually was awful - but I felt a relief to know that baby wouldn't have me as a mother :(
My husband is desperate for a baby & I want a family and to give him that - but my entire mindset is completely negative - everything I read and that people tell me seems to affirm that having a baby will make life so much harder. I feel like having a baby really marks the end of my youth, however sad that sounds.
I could face this if I could imagine loving a baby - but to me, my own child is so abstract that I can't picture it. I can't imagine loving a stranger. I know that sounds mad! I have nephews and nieces whom I love dearly. We are relatively financially secure - I have been determined to save £20k before having a baby & we're well on our way to that, we have our own home (albeit with a considerable mortgage) and we love each other hugely. I know I can wait to have a baby - but I am terrified this feeling will never change. Has anyone else felt like this? I'm desperate for people's positive feelings towards motherhood, or if anyone ever felt like I do and went on to be a happy mother, as all I can imagine is the hardship it will bring. Thank you for your thoughts x

I am also wondering about depression, OP

Some of us have experienced depression before and after babies.

It's good to talk about this

I wasn't particularly fond of children till I had my own. But mine are brilliant! Can't imagine life without them. Sure, we've given things up and life is not exactly how we pictured it at this age but they've been worth it.

I don't know why, when you're pregnant, other people have to tell you all the doom and gloom stories. That's not bloody helpful!!

I breezed through my pregnancies. Labour was quick and, despite having no pain relief, not as bad as some people had lead me to believe. When we were in the midst of the colic days my sil actually told me "make the most of it, it's all downhill from here". We had words over that statement!

I honestly didn't think I'd be maternal because my mum couldn't really be bothered with us, so I worried that I wouldn't be able to be a decent mum to my kids. I've come to find out, it's easy to love your kids and want the best for them, even enjoy having them around. I think I may have done not a bad job actually.

... I also second talking through practicalities in making your decision

Ok unlike you i always wanted a baby but this last year..shocking...iwanted a baby but didnt expect what i go. the love that grows for this little person is unbelievable. You rethink everything. Can honestly say this year for both dh and i has been the best of our life. Weve had some amazing downs...but the high...wow. My sister is right...every baby comes with love. This stranger you cant image how you feel about him or her and i can say that about the 60 babies i know know!!!

The thing is, you need to forget all the crap others say or expect it to be like in the movies or you will only be upset if things aren't perfect.

I enjoyed my first pregnancy but had no rush of love for DD. She was a complete stranger! I just did what I needed to for her while I got to know her. It comes with time.

This is a toughie, it's such a huge life change and commitment and you can't know how you'll feel about it until you're doing it. Like a new job but way more committing :)

I noticed in your OP that one of the things that scared you was everyone's negative comments about how life changes when you're a parent. I'm pregnant with my first, so I can't speak to the reality of parenting, but I have noticed that in our society, many people are relentlessly negative about marriage and kids. It sort of like always replying "busy" to the question, how are you. I'm fairly sure that a lot of the people who say these things actually like being married and being parents, but for whatever reason being negative is more socially acceptable.

Anxiety and depression are fairly common in pregnancy, so if you do decide to get pregnant and find yourself slammed with anxiety again, it's a good idea to talk to someone about that. You can't know if it's anxiety because you've actually made the wrong decision or anxiety because it's a huge thing to undertake (and, all those hormones), but I will say anxiety is not uncommon. And those first weeks are just weird...the baby exists in a real biological sense, but it's really not a person (in my pro-choice opinion!) and you don't look pregnant or anything and it's really hard to get your head around. I tried to foster feelings of attachment in the first few weeks, but they came more naturally once the baby looked like a baby (well, like a fetus and not an embryo) and I felt movement, etc.

Best wishes to you as you figure this out.

Op I had an accident at 36 we never much wanted dc and certainly discussed termination.

Think I was in denial most of the pregnancy and can honestly say I'm completely not maternal never ever have, or I'm sure will feel broody. Not sure what that must be like but I have zero interest in babies.

Dd 7 now and she's fab. I guess having dd later the financial pressure was off and much in the same situation as yourselves. If we hadn't have had a contraception failure I doubt we'd have ever gotten around to it.

Like you I could just never imagine in and shared all the same fears plus a few more.

You are not on your own.

Re: doom and gloom

We got into the lift with 3-day old DS1 (taking him home) and a man joined us. He said "That's your life over then"

True, it was our life as we had known it, not over, but delayed, replaced with something richer

Minor, your post could have been mine, 2 years ago. DH always wanted a family, I could see it, but as a distant, misty time in the future. 2 years ago I fell accidentally pregnant. Was in a right state, didn't believe I could go through with it. Miscarried at 6 weeks. Honestly, at the time, I was relieved. Husband was devastated. When talking about it, he said that, even at that early stage, it had still been OUR child, part of both of us, and that by carrying it, for that short time, at least I had known them somehow. It really resonated.
I spoke to some friends with children, and of course, they talked about the challenges and changes children bring. Life becomes different, but they wouldn't have had it any other way. I could see the pride and love they had for their children.
Fast forward 6 month, and I fell pregnant again, after we agreed to see if it would happen. I still was worried about being a mother, but as our DD started to grow, especially once I could feel her, she felt like part of me. When she was born, it was like a sudden rush of recognition. Like looking through a crowded room to find your best friend and then spotting them. A real "Ahhh, there you are!" moment. I'd felt her kicking when I'd been singing, felt her hiccups when I'd eaten something spicy. She wasn't a stranger.
Sorry for how long this is. The last couple of years have been a real revelation, in terms of how much my feelings have changed. I look at my DH playing with our little girl, and I'm so glad our little family exists. It may not be that way for you, but I would suggest discussing your feelings with your DH, but also with someone outside the relationship. Good luck!

But equally it's ok not to want a baby. I don't, never have. Could you have counselling to try and unpick some of what's going on?

I found out I was pregnant at 29, first scan showed twins and they were born a month before I turned 30. It is hard work, really really hard work, but I honestly wouldn't change it for the world. They're 10 months old now and I love spending time with them, seeing their wee smiles when I go into their room in the morning or how happy they are when I come home is the best feeling ever. They were born at 35 weeks, decided they were coming and 11 hours after my waters broke they were here after a quick labour and forceps delivery. I was so caught up with how quick the day went and then the fact I was in recovery for 14hrs that I didn't really get the instant rush of love. It wasn't till I was transferred to the ward and I had my own room that it hit me that I had babies, I couldn't stop staring at them! It's strange how much love I have for these wee people who've only been here a short time.

When I was pregnant I worried about money, managed to save £700 which I held on to for as long as possible but that was spent long ago and it's been absolutely fine. If I had to do it all again I'd definitely save more but we just manage and to be honest we haven't really given up much if anything.

I don't think you're ever really prepared for kids, I came off the pill because I'd been on contraception for 13 years and just wanted a break from the rotten side effects and we chatted, realised that having a baby would actually be fine so that was that!

It might also be worth thinking about your own experience of having parents; your childhood. Fears around repeating bad experiiences are very common

.... and some women genuinely do not want children. I have a couple of friends who remained childless by choice (one split from her long term partner who wanted a family) and she is perfectly happy with her decision.

what is right for one isn't the right life choice for someone else. If you really do not want children, then I'd stick with it rather than getting pregnant and hoping that hormones and material love will kick in. Would it be a deal-breaker for your DH?

@MinorDelays

You are not alone. Before I had DD the concept of a stranger living with us freaked me the hell out. Even when DD was born, it was more shock and awe than love at first.

But then, eventually and inexplicably, I loved her. Fiercely!

My world is brighter for having her in it... and every once in a while I feel a sense of panic at the thought of what if I'd not had her. Unthinkable.

I think it's normal to worry about change. It's normal to panic about big change. You are not alone but I'm so glad I took the chance.

Oh man, that "rush of love" thing - causes absolute misery.

Not everyone gets it. I've had three and I can honestly say that I wasn't that bothered about them until they were about 6 months old and hugged me back. That was when I got the rush.

I mean, I cared for them, and they were well cared for, but, it was more because that's what they needed than because I was besotted.

Felt guilty about it with the first. But, then I figured I was doing my best, that babies are an awful lot of work for very little return and that it's ok to love them and care for them and not really rush about stuff!

Toddlers though? Ooooh, could eat them up.

Teens? Loving it.

Babies? Dull, dull, dull.

Bet I'll be clucky grandma, though.

I don't bond with baby bumps either. I'm on my second pregnancy - little girl is 18 months and all these people asking me what songs I sing to the bump
Er none! I'll sing to it when it comes out!
It's hard work buts it's such a wonderful bond you create over time. I wasn't gushy even when she was born but over time you just love them. Xx

I knew I wanted children one day but the time was never right, but I was conscious I was putting it off. In the end I bit the bulletin and thought "hey it may never happen" only it did, immediately.

I hated being pregnant, hated being tired and fat and never liked other people's babies much. Never wanted to pick up those brought into the office by colleagues.

And then mine were born, OMG never have I loved anything as much in my life. Never was a child born so beautiful or so clever or as funny as mine, all other babies were ugly and boring.

That feeling never went away. I still don't engage with small children or babies, in fact I never felt an infinity with other people's children until they were teens. I LOVE teens.

My now adult DC are the best thing that ever happened to me. Yours will be too.

I was you eight years ago- could only see the negatives of having a child, none of the positives. I did have a baby and DD has just turned 7.

I won't lie, the baby and toddler years were hard. And DH did more than half the work- I breastfed, but he changed nappies, walked the floor with her for hours when she had colic, got her to drink from a cup when I went back to work and she wouldn't take a bottle, dealt with all the weaning mess. All the grind of being a parent, not just the fun stuff.

Two things got me through that stage: the first was that I still had work (I love my job and it's central to my identity) and the second was that, fortunately for all of us, I loved DD from the moment she was born. I'd been very detached during the pregnancy and was convinced I wouldn't love her, but as soon as there was a real person there rather than an abstract idea, we were OK.

Now she's older it's a delight: we can do things we all enjoy, and she's developing real interests of her own (though the neighbours won't be very happy when she gets her permanent front teeth and can have the trombone lessons she's been begging for).

So it can work. But I've read lots of posts on here by women who've been talked into having a baby and then found themselves landed with all the drudgery. So have a look at your relationship: does your OH do his share of the housework? Does he think some things are your job? Does he have a plan for how he'll adjust his working hours to do his share of the childcare? Will he be supportive if you want to work FT or will he make it more difficult? Those are all things to sort out before you think of getting pregnant.

It's totally OK not to have a baby. I think only people who really want them should have them. I was you once, I took a chance and went for it but oh my god life has changed so much of what I loved has gone.

Like other posters, I love my dc to bits and can't imagine life without them. But that's not to say my gamble paid off. I often dream of my wonderful, childless life.

The few people who did know I was pregnant kept saying 'You can never prepare yourself for what's about to happen', 'Sleep now while you can' 'Life's about to change beyond anything you can imagine' etc etc

Who are these people? If they are parents already they are trying to be funny, yes most of that is true, but apart from the lack of sleep read the other sentences as positives. Yes life changes, but for me anyway it was for the better, yes we weren't fully prepared but its an incredible journey dh, ds and I are on together. Growing then raising a whole new human being is amazing.

If they are parents go back and tell them they are making you anxious about having a child and ask them to tell you the good bits that make it all worth while.

It's more than having a baby. It's having a child. Then they grow into an adult.

The baby bit doesn't last forever. Mine are 5&7 now and it's flown. I remember not being maternal or ready for kids but DH is older so we had them slightly earlier than I'd have liked.

Now I am happy because I'm relatively young compared to many working mothers, I've got the sleepless nights behind me and can enjoy things whilst I'm still young!

I found the baby months hard but I knew I told was but temporary. I took the long view in my decision to have kids.

I would wait a bit longer if I was you. I was so not ready in my early 30s but by 35 I knew I would regret not having one so that outweighed the fears. I still regretted getting pregnant at the time though as I had my daughter when I was in an incredibly stressful situation in the end (was trying to save my business which was going under) and I was worried about how I would cope. The bond didn't happen immediately either and the first year was a blur. I looked after her but she had to fit in with my business which felt like the priority at the time. To cut a long story short, my business folded and so I went back to full time employment and sold my flat to pay off all my debts. I got to know my daughter properly from then on and our bond has gone from strength to strength. I wouldn't say I like spending time with other children that much... I wouldn't base your decision on that. Like you, I loved my niece and nephew but having your own is a whole other level of fulfilment. My life is still quite full in terms of my job and my social life. I would never have another child for a whole variety of reasons but there are 100% no regrets and I get enormous pleasure from the time I spend with my daughter who is 8 now and wouldn't change that choice if I could turn back time. I think all your worries are completely normal but time is on your side and there will probably come a time where your desire to have a baby will override your reservations.

It is totally normal to feel the way you do. I was really broody from the age of about 28 but at the same time was terrified of getting pregnant as I didn't feel responsible enough to care for a baby. I eventually got pregnant at 33 and the broodiness disappeared overnight and I spent the following 8 months wondering what the hell I was doing. 16 years and 2kids later I have no regrets at all.

If I was you I'd leave it another couple of years.

It's okay not to want a baby. It really is. Whichever way you decide, you can have a rich and fulfilling life.

You sound like me up until a couple of years ago.

Excuse me if I'm reading a lot into this, but there seems a lot of fear in your posts. My reluctance was out and out terror / NO NO WAY and I think now, having unpicked that in myself I think it was because my family is complicated, and my childhood was a bit (!) shit and it took me bloody years to work out what was wrong / not normal, and how to feel about that. I understand it more now, and my fear has dissipated a bit.

Of course it may not be relevant to you, but worth an internal review - is there anything in your childhood that could have anything to do with that fear?