To be absolutely furious at finding TWO loan letters

[JessieDoops]

Here's a bit of a back story... DP and I have been together almost three years, do not yet live with each other. Found out last week that we are expecting DC1.

We sat down and had a conversation about finances and where we would love etc. We are both very happy with this news. We have 7 months until baby is due, so we decided that we would aim to get a place together within the next four months.

DP earns 3x the amount earn. So it was decided that he would set aside x amount of money per month and we would comfortably have a new home within the time frame.

UNTIL today.... He left a bag of clothes at my house, I was doing a washing so decided to take the clothes out the bag and wash those too. But two letters fell out, one for a loan of a considerable amount from his bank (taken out in December) and another from a pay day loan - doesn't say the amount. (Taken out last month) but paying back 57% interest.

So I guess my question is...
Am I wrong to go absolutely bat shit crazy on his ass for not telling me about them last week when we sat down and discussed our finances regarding baby/moving in?

YANBU at all. I would be beyond furious.

I'd think he's not being completely upfront about his finances. I'd ask him about it again, and say, if there's a problem we need to talk because we're about to have a baby.

I think you would be, yes.

There are a couple of issues. One is the lying. That would be a serious issue for me.

The other is the payday loan. You either have to be deep in the shit (gambling, drugs, can't feed the kids) to use one or really foolish and unable to understand basic finances. Which is it in his case?

I'd question his ability to manage him money if he has had to take out 2 loans (1 a pay day loan) in less than 8 months!

But to be fair, did you ask him about his commitments or just "can you afford to contribute x per month?" Very different questions and not all people view debt in the same way. I think you need to bring it up with him to confirm he can contribute the amount agreed without causing further debt. I think going crazy at him is not fair though, give him a chance, before now your finances were completely separate.

Thank you for your replies.

I am beyond furious. The lying is a big big one for me, if he can lie about this what else is he lying about? Right?

He's at work just now, he's coming round tonight for tea about 7. How would you approach it? Txt him and let him know his ass is grass?

When we discussed our finances last week we talked about ALL outgoings etc.

He lead me to believe that the only debt he had was for his car (£250 a month) and a credit card with £1000 limit on it.

I would put the brakes on.... He must be up shit Street financially to use a pay day loan. He needs to be totally honest with you from now on. I wouldn't get angry with him as he may have a genuine reason.... Like he got into trouble many years ago and it spiralled. Or he may have a gambling problem. If the latter I'm afraid you should stay away from sharing a home and finances.

Oh well... then he's in deep shit then. Personally I prefer not to share my cards in advance. I would wait for him to show up and hand him the letters (and even clean washing before he can accuse you of snooping).

Make sure you aren't guilted into helping out with paying off HIS debts..
Delay any living together plans until he has this mess in hand. .

There are no signs of a gambling problem, but there were also no signs of him lying either.

If it is gambling, I would leave the relationship. I have a bad experience with ExP and gambling addiction.

Yabu its his business he obv felt he couldn't talk to you about it therefore feeling like he needed to hide it.

YANBU The pay day loan is particularly worrying.

I wouldn't give him advance warning that you've found out, it just gives him time to try and think of excuses.

Don't give him advance warning it'll only give him time to make up more lies.
It must be a terrible shock to find out you've been lied to.
I agree with others that he is in big trouble if he is having to take out payday loans.

Oh god!

Thanks for the replies folks!

My stomach is churning. It went from being the happiest week of my life to the most worrying in seconds

Thank your lucky stars you've found out now and not when you too are up to your eyes in debt or living a lie that you think everything is hunky dory when it's not.

I would definitely have it out with him, I don't see how you can't really , because to carry on with the charade of saving for somewhere to live is just daft.

I guess either gambling (online so you wouldn't know) or drugs.

This is just terrible. I'm so sorry! I would be fuming, too! What in the hell is this man up to?! It's got to be really serious for him to be taking out loans like that. And the one with the 57% interest?! What the actual fuck?! For FUCK'S SAKE do not get your finance intermingled with his, and don't let him bullshit you that he doesn't have serious problems. While you don't know what the problem is exactly yet, you KNOW there's big trouble in his life. This is NOT normal.

wow 57%!

well trust is broken. he lied. is this what you want?

DON'T move in with him.

In fact, prepare yourself for this to go tits up completely.

He's a liar. He is also financially untrustworthy and there is likely a reason for that (gambling, lying about actual income, shitloads of debt, addiction... the list goes on).

Thank god you have found out now. I am so sorry, but if I were you I would just completely put the brakes on this relationship and be fully prepared for it to end.

For as awful as this is, THANK GOD you found those letters when you did. Knowing the truth is always better than living a lie.

He's not lied about his salary, I have seen payslips etc. He makes a good income, 3x what I earn.

Obviously there is more of an issue, I could 100% rule out drugs. The only thing it can logically be is gambling

Is the loan he took out in December the loan for his car or is that totally separate?

is he paying the debt on time though though?

if it was from collectors i think it would be a lot more serious TBF.

go easy on him but confront him, this debts may be a massive weight on him and eating away at him. i've worked i debt management and the amount of people I have come across in debt that their partners dont know about is crazy! but most of the time they are too scared to admit etc.

We're you hoping to get a mortgage or were you going a rent? I think that payday loan may have screwed your chances of him being part of any bank loan in any event.

Congratulations Jessie 💐
Thank God he left the bags, what a shock you must have got 😮
Don't fore warn him, he'll be able to hoodwink you some more.
Please don't let your emotions, or a sob story, run away with you.
What else has he lied about, I wonder !
Don't move in with him, he can still be a great Father, from his own house.
Gambling, or drugs maybe...