To be absolutely furious at finding TWO loan letters

[JessieDoops]

Here's a bit of a back story... DP and I have been together almost three years, do not yet live with each other. Found out last week that we are expecting DC1.

We sat down and had a conversation about finances and where we would love etc. We are both very happy with this news. We have 7 months until baby is due, so we decided that we would aim to get a place together within the next four months.

DP earns 3x the amount earn. So it was decided that he would set aside x amount of money per month and we would comfortably have a new home within the time frame.

UNTIL today.... He left a bag of clothes at my house, I was doing a washing so decided to take the clothes out the bag and wash those too. But two letters fell out, one for a loan of a considerable amount from his bank (taken out in December) and another from a pay day loan - doesn't say the amount. (Taken out last month) but paying back 57% interest.

So I guess my question is...
Am I wrong to go absolutely bat shit crazy on his ass for not telling me about them last week when we sat down and discussed our finances regarding baby/moving in?

Also if you r saving once living together put an equal amount into savings accounts in each if your names then both of u are protected

I'm glad you takes to him about it.

My husband was similar - he earns a good salary but was ridiculously in debt. He just frittered money away & then was spending so much in payments for his credit cards & overdraft.

It came to a head 5 years ago, he was on his absolute last chance. His debt was in the region of £20k. He's now one payment off being debt free & has completely changed his ways. We've saved intensively over the past few years & are about to buy a house which he never thought would be possible :)

So he can change his ways & I hope this is the Koch he needs to do so :)

I hope everything works out well for you OP and the baby & the finances get sorted but unlike a lot of posters on this, you aren't married or living together, so you don't have to take the financial reins. I realise you were intending to live together (& baby of course) and thus felt a need to be open with finances but I would take a back seat for a while and see how he manages financially after the talk with you. Perhaps a leap of faith will be required on your part, but you don't need two babies to look after, so to speak.
I would be wary of taking on too much responsibility and thus letting him relinquish his responsibility as this is not sustainable and could be exhausting for you.

The thing that concerns me a little (and makes me inclined to agree with PP who say that there may be more debt that he is managing to hide): He applied for a payday loan of £4000 and was accepted for it. You can't get that much of a payday loan the first time round, on the whole. You need to have borrowed from the company and repaid it a time or two before they will go much over £500.
(Yes, I know a lot about payday loans. More than I would like to.)

So sorry op but this would be a dealbreaker for me ...outright lies.

Go it alone and good luck

Yes, please do a full credit check - to be honest something still smells whiffy to me.

Can you credit check someone without their permission?

I'd need total honesty and transparency from now on

No you can't. And even if you could it would be a really unpleasant and two-faced thing to do.

I didn't say the pay day loan was £4000, I said I didn't know the amount

I think you'll be fine op. My DP is shite with money too and we're still paying off a shit tonne of debt. It's annoying but we now have a joint bank account which the wages go into and the day the wages go in, the bills come out and then what's left we both spend (after putting some in a savings account) he's better now as he understands the bills need to be paid. He hasn't frivolously spent in a while, I think some people just need help with structure. It's not a burden on me to do this as some PPs have said either
Congratulations on the pregnancy!

I think you and your partner would be wise to get a financial advisor who is qualified to teach him about money. Personally, I can't imagine having a relationship with a man who is so financially irresponsible that I would then basically have to act like his mother and monitor his spending. I'm highly suspicious of the big show your partner put on when you confronted him. He turns on the water works and then makes a while bunch of lame excuses. Red flags everywhere.

As expected, he was first defensive when challenged, then he cried.
But it probably defused your anger, yes?

You have discovered a bank loan and a payday loan application. Are you sure he declined the payday offer? How has he spent a £4,000 overdraft? On what?

Now ask him to register with Experian, and see what comes up. (Because there is never just one payday loan. Or just one credit card.)

Then check if he has taken out goods on H.P, catalogues, credit cards, store cards, loans from employers, family or friends. Check for rent arrears, unpaid bills, betting debt.

And be aware that you might be doing this for a long, long time. Are you ready for this?

I'd be very careful. He has brazenly lied to your face about his for some time. This isn't being shit with money it's being dishonest.

It's not who I would want for the father of my child

ThumbWitches, I did say op should keep finances separate and yes of course your friend was sensible given the enormous sum involved.

Just popped back to see how it went. Glad he admitted the situation. It's doable OP if you trust he has now told you the truth. My DH can't manage his own money and appreciates me doing it for him (he jokes that he would live like a king for a week then end up homeless). It can work, but I'd still stay away from joint finances for now (his application for a pay day loan will have sunk his credit score and you joining your finances can lower yours too by association) and (and this is the tricky one) insist on knowing his bank details so you can keep tabs on the debt reducing. What we do (and I find it works), is I ask for x amount each month and leave him with the remainder as his "allowance" + amount he has to pay off his credit card. I hold the credit card and it is only given back to him when he asks for it. As crazy as it sounds it makes him consider if he really needs the purchase or if he can wait till he can buy it with cash. He has probably asked for it twice in the last year. The problem is, it feels very controlling and patronising, it's a fine line to walk and it can only work if he wants you to do that, rather than you giving him no choice and if you won't resent doing it. Good luck!