To be absolutely furious at finding TWO loan letters

[JessieDoops]

Here's a bit of a back story... DP and I have been together almost three years, do not yet live with each other. Found out last week that we are expecting DC1.

We sat down and had a conversation about finances and where we would love etc. We are both very happy with this news. We have 7 months until baby is due, so we decided that we would aim to get a place together within the next four months.

DP earns 3x the amount earn. So it was decided that he would set aside x amount of money per month and we would comfortably have a new home within the time frame.

UNTIL today.... He left a bag of clothes at my house, I was doing a washing so decided to take the clothes out the bag and wash those too. But two letters fell out, one for a loan of a considerable amount from his bank (taken out in December) and another from a pay day loan - doesn't say the amount. (Taken out last month) but paying back 57% interest.

So I guess my question is...
Am I wrong to go absolutely bat shit crazy on his ass for not telling me about them last week when we sat down and discussed our finances regarding baby/moving in?

Bitchywaitress

Thank you for your input, very constructive

@JessieDoops I'm glad he was so open, that's a really good sign. I think if he's prepared to give full financial control to you and always be that transparent there's definitely a good chance of making this work. Don't enter into any credit agreements with him until he's improved his credit rating (check it on Experian). And be vigilant.

Please just be wary. I found out my ex had a massive gambling habit which he hid from me for a year. He didn't have a pot to piss in and then stole from me. Lies comes as second nature to them.
Also be wary about ever getting a mortgage with him if his finances are a mess. Banks won't lie so you would find out soon enough.
You need answers and you need the truth now.

My ex was a high earner with huge debts. Massive, ridiculous, unnecessary debts. My divorce solicitor had only seen anything like it with men with gambling / drug addiction or a secret life somewhere else. My ex didn't have any of that. He was just shit with money. He couldn't get his head around compound interest .

You've been given an early warning that you need to be the one in charge of the finances. Please heed it. If he moans about it being his money, trust blah, blah, blah don't cave. He has a child to think about now. You deserve to know about where family money is going.

I'm glad the debt isn't as bad as they could have been.

What you must do is check his credit rating. You can do it for free at Experian and it willl show every single thing he owes or has owed, for the past few years. You have to do it for yourself, so he will have to be there, which is a good thing, as he will understand you can see everything. If he refuses to do it, that would be another massive red flag. and if I were you I'd do it without his permission, which I realise is probably illegal, but you MUST get his credit score to check he still isn't lying

Good morning, OP.

I second the suggestion of looking at Noddle or alike for his credit rating. (Then make up your mind if he's told you the whole truth or just a mere snippet)

If for nothing more than your peace of mind. I would also suggest keeping all of your finances separate.

My concern if I'm honest was his reaction - he turned it back on to you, he blamed you for snooping. This was a gut reaction - you have very little control over these types of reaction.

I really hope I'm wrong! Some people cry to manipulate a situation when their words have little effect.

Offer to go with him to the bank. Ask him to show an entire years worth of bank statements.

I'd just add that my Dh is absolutely dreadful with money and always has been, he's amazing at making money but not managing it. When we got married (28 years ago) I took over everything financial. But if he hadn't agreed for me to be in charge of finances, I wouldn't have married him.

Misery if the OP does a credit score, she won't need to go to the back, all his debts will be on the credit report.

Haven't read the full thread so sorry if this has been asked and responded to but....

Do you normally do his washing if he leaves it at yours?

It's just a strange coincidence that he leaves a bag at yours that just happens to contain both letters that easily "drop out"....

Could he have wanted you to find them as a way 'in' as he didn't know how to tell you about it himself?

Having now read the thread I would still be a bit suspicious....

If he hadn't taken out the PayDay loan and only has £1'000 on his overdraft (which considering his income can't be too much of an issue) then why did he "burst into tears"? It seems like an odd reaction to just owing a grand?

He doesn't just owe £1000, he owes £5000.

I think he cried because he felt relief that he didn't have to lie to me anymore. Basically he's just absolutely shit with money, it is agreed that I will take control of finances.

I'm not silly, I will not be moving in straight away or getting any joint finances any time soon. I will be doing a full credit check and keeping a very close eye.

Thank you all again for your kind words and support

Be careful OP.

I know some relationships work well where one person manages all the finances but it will be a huge strain on you.

What if you got ill? What if there were complications following the baby and you end up in hospital for a month with baby in NICU? And then you come out and find out he's racked up £10k or more of debt because he was sad and couldn't control himself?

My friend was with a man like this and point blank refused to move in, marry etc until he grew the fuck up. She'd seen the mess her parents got into when her dad (the financial manager of the relationship) lost his job and they ended up living on her mums income, but her mum kept spending money they couldn't afford for her to spend anymore, it got horribly messy...because her mum had just never thought through the consequences of her spending.

Also, apologies if this has already been discussed or is not appropriate, but how many weeks are you? Do you definitely want to continue with this pregnancy?

This is very True IfYouGo

Just a thought though, if he's borrowed/owes money to his mates for example, that isn't going to show on any credit rating?

If he's withdrawn cash from his bank - you'll not know what the cash has been spent on?

For those two examples, OP is reliant on him being honest.

I think this is a really common problem. I know at least 3 couples where the bloke just doesn't have an off-switch for spending on his own, and the woman has come in and stabilized things very successfully and effectively. Provided there is genuine good will and commitment on both sides to a stable financial future, it can work. The problem arises when you don't have a man in the relationship but a man-child who just can't stop spending. No woman should have to endure life with one of those.

OP,

I am glad things do not seem as bad as you first thought, however…… I share similar thoughts to WidoWanky in that I would air on the side of caution here.

In my experience there is alway more……secret loans, second bank accounts you know nothing about, other credit cards, things in your name…..

I would echo others suggestions if you have not done so already to get your credit rating checked and do not enter into any financial arrangements with him.

This may seem dramatic but my counsellor said something to to me when I was trying to process my experiences which really struck a chord "he cheated on you….. The actions of lying, deceiving and hiding things from you are the same, he just chose to do it with money and not a woman"

could the overdraft be a left over from student days and he has never actually cleared it off which is something I keeping nagging DS1 to do

I'm sorry but him being shit with money doesn't justify anyone forcing him to go through his credit history with them. I can understand that he needs to be up front about his finances but no one has the right to demand access to someone else private business like that.

If a woman posted here to say she had a £4000 overdraft and a £1000 debt relating to paying off a car loan, and was a high earner, yet her dp now wanted control of the finances and a full credit check - bearing in mind the debts relate to a period prior to them living together - then people would be telling her he was controlling and out of order; some of the advice here is ott imo.

It's odd that he kept it a secret, and cried on discovery, but if op is satisfied that it doesn't relate to anything dodgy and can be repaid, then separate finances is the best and only advice.

Don't agree with Rainy.. It's not OTT to advise the OP to take on the joint finances.

I have friends where the wife HAD to take over the finances because her DH ran up debts of over AU$100,000. Do you consider it "controlling" for her to have done so? Or just bloody sensible? Because I call it sensible - allowing him unfettered access to their joint money would have just put them further into debt. Now, with her in control of it, the debt has been halved - but there's still a long way to go.

The worst thing anyone can do in this situation is decide that he should be allowed to carry on in this fashion, especially if/when the OP is going to be linking her life to his.

OP - you sound sensible - make sure you safeguard your money at every turn. When you live together, if you get to that point, then have separate accounts AND a joint account. Pay a set amount into the joint account to pay all bills, and keep the rest of your income separate, so you always have a fall-back. I find profligacy with money extremely scary - various members of my family are like this and are constantly in debt and facing CCJs or bailiffs - couldn't live like this myself.

Rainy it's all context though. I had similar when I first met DH - if he'd suggested controlling my finances I'd have laughed in his face. But I never hid my financial situation, nor cried about it

Oops don't know what the random winky face is doing there!

IT doesn't always have to be worse than you think. I had a very similar situation with DH when we bought our first house together, and he had a history of burying his head in the sand rather than face financial problems.

That was ten years ago. I run the family finances (he's freelance so I also sort out his invoicing and tax and so on) but not in a controlling way - we both talk about joint purchases, both use the one bank account. It works fine for us and there's never been a recurrence. I look at it as playing to our skills: he's better at the job he does, I'm better at accounting.

So it can be sorted, it doesn't have to go on forever and it might not be the end of everything.

He doesnt seem entirely useless with money

He didnt take a payday loan- wise
He took a lower interest loan to pay off another with higher interest- very sensible.

Good job op didnt go with the nuclear button as suggested by many

Hi op. Iv been where u r and married him and still married. First thing is u demand utter transparency from now on. All bank staments go in a file etc. I manage all dh money. He gets paid transfers all his wages to me bar spending money - I sort all the bills. Make sure u keep separate accounts.

Get him to log onto experian and check his credit file.

Dh used to lie over silly money stuff as he felt stupid not being able to sort it. He gets I'm better at these things so we talk through what Im doing so he is in the loop.

I have spreadsheet with all outgoings. That dh can look at. If your dp trying to save we found standing order to savings account day after pay day the best option

Exactly Ara and he's managed to live independantly for a good while too, not like he's living with parents.

Maybe the focus here is on the wrong thing, could be stress over the pregnancy that's leading him to lie and not think straight.