To be absolutely furious at finding TWO loan letters

[JessieDoops]

Here's a bit of a back story... DP and I have been together almost three years, do not yet live with each other. Found out last week that we are expecting DC1.

We sat down and had a conversation about finances and where we would love etc. We are both very happy with this news. We have 7 months until baby is due, so we decided that we would aim to get a place together within the next four months.

DP earns 3x the amount earn. So it was decided that he would set aside x amount of money per month and we would comfortably have a new home within the time frame.

UNTIL today.... He left a bag of clothes at my house, I was doing a washing so decided to take the clothes out the bag and wash those too. But two letters fell out, one for a loan of a considerable amount from his bank (taken out in December) and another from a pay day loan - doesn't say the amount. (Taken out last month) but paying back 57% interest.

So I guess my question is...
Am I wrong to go absolutely bat shit crazy on his ass for not telling me about them last week when we sat down and discussed our finances regarding baby/moving in?

I also agree with this ^ there are probably more...hope it goes well though...

I hope you are Ok? @JessieDoops

Just read this OP and it made me feel sick for you. You poor poor thing. You know first hand that gamblers are liars so please bear that in mind when you are considering what he has said to you tonight. I hope he has a really good reason but as you know payday loans with a good income just make no sense.

Whatever the reason for these debts is sharing a home with him (and therefore rent and outgoings) a sensible decision for you?

You don't have to instantly split up but it sounds like he has lied about this so what else could he have lied about?

I sincerely hope there is some kind of reasonable explanation.

You mentioned that you've only just found out that you're pregnant. Everyone seems to be assuming that you'll go ahead and have the baby whatever happens, but please don't forget you have options in that regard.

I was once in a similar position OP without the pregnancy. I then found out that he hadn't paid the rent for 3 months. I left sharpish and when I went back to clean out or flat I found about 20
empty vodka bottles. Good luck x

Best of luck I hope he has come clean

Oh dear! The bank loan wouldn't worry me at all - lots of people have them, but the payday loan would.

People are generally desperate when they take a loan with those kind of interest rates. Usually they are only taken after all other sources of credit have been exceeded/declined. Not great for someone you intend to share bills & a child with.

Thinking of you OP, what a horrible situation for you to be in. I hope he's explained himself fully by now

How are you? What gas he said?

Hope your ok, OP.

You've got plenty of time to sort living arrangements for you and the baby so don't panic about that.
He, however, can stay exactly where he is with his housemates.

What sort of lifestyle has he been leading while you've been going out with him?
Even if you were on minimum wage, he's on a pretty big salary for a 'single' guy.

If he can't afford to live in shared acc without resorting to extreme measures, then he isn't in a position to take over 50% of costs....let alone 100% if you chose to be a sahm.

Thinking of you OP - I have been in very similar situation with my now very much ex husband. Our son was 9 months old when I found out (my flat was about to be repossessed amongst other things and I had no idea - he had hidden it all from me). I took our son and left - the trust was gone. My advice would be don't move in together unless you are 100% sure of his finances. Ask/Demand total clarity, see his bank statements etc. Make sure you are 100% financially independent of him - no joint bank accounts, no joint bills etc. Trust your gut - if you think he is still lying to you or something just feels a bit "off" it most likely is.

Hope you're ok op

Hope you've managed to have a full and frank discussion tonight OP, been thinking of you.

Hope your ok OP

I would hear him out. I hope it's gone ok.

Any update OP?

When I was your age I'd have believed him & just wanted everything to be ok.

Life taught me a few lessons, the hard way...& now I'd walk away. He's lied to you about something really big. You'll never properly trust him & it's easier to 'go it alone' that it is to try to make it work with a liar. Especially one who is crap with money and elbow deep in debt.

Walk away while you can. With benefits etc you'll be fine.

Thank you all so much for your kind words, and apologies it's taken so long for an update.

But all is well, as well as can be for now.

I handed him the letters when he walked in the door, he looked confused, read them and then got defensive because I went through his stuff, blah blah blah

Long story short, he burst out crying and said he was so tired of lying, sent to get a piece of paper and a pen to write down all his debt because he wanted to come clean.

My heart was in my mouth, I couldn't breath, I was expecting him to write down something like £30,000. Nope, £5,000. Which in my opinion is totally fixable.

I demanded that we went to his place to get all bank statements, loan agreements, payslips etc. Turns out the loan in December was to pay off his car finance at a cheaper rate. It was a £3,000 loan but only owes £1000 now. (Checked all paperwork to make sure this was legit).

The pay day loan was a stupid impulse thing, he has a £4,000 OD and couldn't see a way of paying it off, so was going to get a pay day loan!?!?! He got accepted (the letter j read) but thank glad he declined as he came to his senses. (Checked bank statements etc etc)

So basically he is just absolutely shit with money, he makes a good wage but doesn't know how to take care of it. So after a lengthy discussion it is agreed that I will help him control his finances. We've made up a plan and he will be out his over draft by the end of next month, and only have £1000 loan to pay.

Sorry for the length of this post, it's been a long night

I'm glad that's worked out better than expected - this would have had me raging as well. I can't bear lying, and I can't bear people who hide debt or who can't deal with it properly (Ishoos).

However, he may have made a mistake with being accepted for a loan and then not taking it - unless things have changed, this will go on his credit rating as "loan refused" which will be a black mark against him. You can check this with online credit rating checks, not sure which is/are the best, hopefully someone else will know.

Hope this really is it and he stays honest with you going forward.

glad that turned out better than I was expecting.

I would recommend using the credit check facility on moneysavingexpert. He can get to see his full credit history. Including outstanding loans and ODs.

Hate to burst your bubble. But here goes.

Never accept the first answer.. you have been told what you want to hear. It is well known that anyone in financial difficulties never tells or admits the whole truth, they always hold something back. That is why it is so incredibly difficult to help straighten them out, that secret debt is enough to push them over their "affordable limit" edge once more.

If they with hold the truth - aka lie - once, they will do it again. Have you asked why, when he earns so well, he has a 4k overdraft? Credit cards? It's the spending habits you need to look at, not just your ability to tell him how to manage his income. I would hold fire for at least 3 months. See if he has allowed you to manage him. Then look for the secret credit card that is being used behind your back.

Obviously I am projecting my experience onto you. I suggest you stay well away from joint names.

Sorry.

YABU, these debts were incurred when he had separate finances to you.

He is probably scared to tell you, particularly if the payday loan was due to poor money management or a gambling addiction or similar.

Maybe you should have thought about this before you got pregnant with a man you aren't married to but also don't live with.

What does he spend his money on? Good wage and big overdraft, loan and pay day loan??? You can also have multiple bank accounts with different banks...