To be absolutely furious at finding TWO loan letters

[JessieDoops]

Here's a bit of a back story... DP and I have been together almost three years, do not yet live with each other. Found out last week that we are expecting DC1.

We sat down and had a conversation about finances and where we would love etc. We are both very happy with this news. We have 7 months until baby is due, so we decided that we would aim to get a place together within the next four months.

DP earns 3x the amount earn. So it was decided that he would set aside x amount of money per month and we would comfortably have a new home within the time frame.

UNTIL today.... He left a bag of clothes at my house, I was doing a washing so decided to take the clothes out the bag and wash those too. But two letters fell out, one for a loan of a considerable amount from his bank (taken out in December) and another from a pay day loan - doesn't say the amount. (Taken out last month) but paying back 57% interest.

So I guess my question is...
Am I wrong to go absolutely bat shit crazy on his ass for not telling me about them last week when we sat down and discussed our finances regarding baby/moving in?

Just put the letters on the table. You don't need to talk, OP.

You've got my utmost sympathy. I went through this with an ex. It was horrendous.

First thing first, ask him direct. Don't beat around the bush. Explain how you found the letters and how it's made you feel. Let him explain it.

You can then decide if it's something you want to work through or walk away from.

Good luck and congratulations on the pregnancy too!

Look, whatever the news it probably isn't going to be good so there is no point going in all guns blazing as it will make him defensive and probably end up nasty.

You need to be calm and collected, explain why you emptied his bag, explain what you saw and then ask him for an explanation.

If you have to go it alone, you can do this. There are financial support mechanisms in place that are preferable to living with someone who is massively in debt.

Good luck. Hope you will check in later and update and don't feel too devastated.

Good luck xx

Listen to what he has to say, take us easy have the conversation. This might be a turning point for his too. He may not have known how to tell you something's up and doesn't want to show himself up in front of you.

The payday loan is a bad sign, but could the bank loan have been him refinancing the car loan?

When my car was still on finance, I paid for about a year and then my bank sent a letter offering a lower apr on their loans - I took out a bank loan and paid off the finance and ended up with lower monthly payments.

The payday loan maybe be for a one off expense, maybe a car broken down a week before payday perhaps? I'd ask before I'd blow up at him tbh.

Payday loans are often used by people with high salaries when they need access to quick cash. High earners think they have a handle on it until they don't. Most of the people who I helped re pay day loans, when I volunteered for CAB, were doctors/surgeons without any additictions/bad debt histories etc who forgot about a debt until it became too hard to service with their salaries. By itself it doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I would be worried if the pay day loan started after the loan. In that case it would suggest high monthly payments - do you think he's paying child maintenance or servicing debt from a previous relationship?

My ex was like this.. .don't tryst a word. Sounds like gambling.

Whatever the reason , he hasn't been up front and has reeled Op in under false pretences.

I would advise you to slow down. Don't jump to conclusions or listen to everyone shouting at you to LTB and not move in with him etc. Just ask him and ask him why he didn't mention it before. For all you know he has taken out a loan for something for the both of you and wanted to surprise you.

Once he's explained and assuming he comes clean ask for access to every bank account. The only way to know if he's being honest about all debt is to review his bank statements. You need to see the one his salary is paid into and statements for any accounts where money is transferred out of the main one.
You also need a full calendar month, with no dates or pages missing.
You need to also see the loan agreements for all debts so you can confirm amounts and duration.
Also, if overdrawn check if it's authorised. An overdraft is just further borrowing too.
It's really important that you have the full picture now so you can understand the size of the issue you need to deal with.

This must be horrible having to go through this. Stay strong, calm and let him do most of the talking/explaining.

Blackforestdonuts - there's nothing a guy could buy "for us" with a payday loan that I would be happy about... Using them shows desperation or a complete lack of understanding about interest payments.

@WineAndTiramisu totally!

Wishing you strength and calmness..

Sure, it's a really poor decision to take out a payday loan, but I was trying to suggest a less sinister alternative to hidden families, drugs and gambling. The OP sounds really stressed and these threads get really hysterical really quickly.

Blackforest sadly, it's probably because some of us have been there

@blackforest I agree, I have seen it many a time people taking out payday loans as a bridge to the next wage is common. A woman I worked with had a wealthy partner but she was taking out payday loans. It wasn't my business why but it still shocked me.

Pay day loans have interest rates far higher than 57%, don't they? I imagine this was a short term, quick cash thing and not the kind of pay day loan that the likes of Wonga were dishing out a while back at APRs of 4 figures.

I'm not saying it's ideal, but if he needed cash quickly for a car repair or something, it might have been less expensive to take out a short term loan and pay it back within a matter of days than to get hit by bank charges.

I would reserve judgement.

I can't explain the payday loan, but could the bank loan have been used to pay off the car loan at a better rate of interest?

What lion said.

Hope all is ok there OP?

I could write a book OP but it would out me. Walk away from him and keep yourself separate as much as you can. Dont bail him out whatever you do, unless you want to be doing it forever

I would assume these two letter aren't the whole of it, either.