To be absolutely furious at finding TWO loan letters

[JessieDoops]

Here's a bit of a back story... DP and I have been together almost three years, do not yet live with each other. Found out last week that we are expecting DC1.

We sat down and had a conversation about finances and where we would love etc. We are both very happy with this news. We have 7 months until baby is due, so we decided that we would aim to get a place together within the next four months.

DP earns 3x the amount earn. So it was decided that he would set aside x amount of money per month and we would comfortably have a new home within the time frame.

UNTIL today.... He left a bag of clothes at my house, I was doing a washing so decided to take the clothes out the bag and wash those too. But two letters fell out, one for a loan of a considerable amount from his bank (taken out in December) and another from a pay day loan - doesn't say the amount. (Taken out last month) but paying back 57% interest.

So I guess my question is...
Am I wrong to go absolutely bat shit crazy on his ass for not telling me about them last week when we sat down and discussed our finances regarding baby/moving in?

I'm really sorry, it sounds very tough.

Sit him down when he comes over. Explain that the only acceptable response from him at this point is full disclosure - you need to see his payslips, his bank statements, the lot. Straight away.

Any "those are private, what were you doing snooping?" type responses, and you need to show him the door.

I agree with others that this kind of things is usually drugs/gambling - very few feasible innocent explanations.

Oh dear :-(. Perhaps have a conversation and find out what's led him to get in this mess? But hard to trust given the chat you had last week, I agree

We were planning on renting.

The loan from his bank is separate from his car, or I assume it is as he has had his car way before December, when the loan was taken out.

Basically he's spun me a while web of lies hasn't he?

Damn you autocorrect. Were!

This is bad OP, I'm so sorry this is happening. You have to be desperate to take out a payday loan so something is badly wrong. Don't move in with him! And I personally couldn't get over my partner lying about something so fundamental, especially with a baby on the way

If he's using payday loans it's because he's in such deep shit financially that a) regular banks won't touch him and b) he's run out of his family & friends' money and patience.

If I were you I'd be making plans to go it alone if all cards aren't laid on the table tonight. And definitely don't give him a few hours to think up his sweet talk. Sit on it until you can hit him between the eyes with what you've found out.

your discovery poses so many questions.

1)Why was he hiding two loan letters in his pockets - to hide it from you?
2) What were the loans for? They were both fairly recent. Has he had any expensive situations recently? Eg. Car breaking down
3) why didn't he admit to them during your money conversation.

You,definantly need to,get to the bottom of this. How you bring it up.in conversation is another matter.

If he took out a large loan in Dec & a payday loan last month, then he is concealing a big problem. I would suspect either gambling or addiction of some kind. A bank loan, then a payday loan is an indication of out of control spending.
What is clear is that neither you or the baby are his priority. This is not a man with a longterm plan. This is a man who is keeping secrets & being evasive.
Put the letters back. Say nothing about them. Ask to discuss finances and future plans & give him chance to come clean. If the lies continue, re-assess your future with him. Don't be that woman who tries to run a home & feed a baby on fresh air, because she chose the wrong man to have children with.
Keep your finances separate, don't move in together, protect yourself, your child and your future.

Congratulations on the baby news! I know it's hard but try not to get too stressed over this, for you and baby. If you feel like the situation is too much when addressing it, take a breather.

The problem is, even if he earns x 3 what you do, to take out a payday loan likely means he has nothing left at the end of the month so what's he spending all of his earnings on? I'd be very careful because although it may not be gambling or drugs, people who are desperate for money can go to extreme measures. My DGM's husband sold her engagement and wedding rings (then claimed she'd probably mislaid them) when desperate to keep afloat and impress - he's already lied to you about this although he's probably lying about his lifestyle too and living a pretence. Hopefully he'll be open about what's going on, it's about whether you can forgive this. Just tread carefully.

It would nearly kill me to do it, and I'd have to sit on my hands, chew my lip and frantically clean the bathroom to within an inch of its life, but I wouldn't let him know I knew until he got home.

And when I told him, I'd watch his face and body language very carefully, as well as listening to what he had to say.

And keep icily calm rather than ranting or crying. It will put the fear of God into him far more.

I agree with the pp, the minute he starts coming up with excuses , you walk out .

I can see no reason why he would need a pay day loan , if he says it's because his car broke down or his boiler broke then surely he would have told you about that in every day conversation .

If he comes out with the age old 'I'm still in debt because an ex took me for all I've got' again , walk out.

Is it possible he put them both somewhere that he knew you would find them? Maybe doesn't know how to tell you? Does seem a bit strange that they would both happen to be together in a bag of clothes he brought for you to wash.

Unexplained expenses often point to an OW I'm afraid. He is obviously a liar and you can't believe any explanation that he gives you. Payday loans wreck your credit rating so it'll be hard for you to get a new place now as you'd be depending on his credit record. It's a good thing you found out now! You need to find out the truth, can you access anything else of his like his email or try to find other documents when you next visit his place?

Payday loans are for the desperate - his financial situation must be dire!

Does he know of your history with the ex gambler? If he does, he's probably petrified of telling you if gambling is his problem.

I would show him the letters tonight. But, if he's lied to you already the chances are he'll lie again. Probably say they are not his debt, he's taken the loans out for a mate - which will be a load of drivel!

PS, when renting they'll likely ask for the last 3 month's bank statements. Perhaps you could ask to see his if he lies about this to your face. This will also affect whether you can rent together as he's unlikely be approved to rent if he's got no money and using payday loans. Can you afford to rent the property type you'd have looked for on your own, OP?

The clothes weren't intended for me to wash. He brings a rucksack when he stays over at my place.

He left it here this morning and put his dirty clothes back into it from last night, so when I was putting a wash on today, I thought I would just pop it in with mine, two letters were in amongst the clothes

He doesn't know of my ExP's gambling addiction, as there was also domestic violence involved there too. I told him about the DV but never went into the gambling

This is exactly what my ex husband would do, rack up stupid high interest debt and then leave the letters lying around where I could find them because he was too gutless to tell me about it.
20 years on and we're divorced thank God as he never changed and wasted thousands over the years. I'm much better off on my own.
If he can't discuss finances with you in an adult way then he is too immature to live with you and will not change.
I'd concentrate on you and the baby if I were you.

Come on, he knew you'd go through his rucksack.

I couldn't afford to rent another place on my own. I'm currently renting a room. I obviously can't bring a baby into that.

What the hell am I going to do?

I also don't think this is a recent/new problem for him either . it takes a while to get to the desperation of pay day loans.

First - congratulations on your pregnancy!
Secondly - if he is in debt to the extent that he has to have payday loans, renting will be difficult. They do credit checks and this may come up. He may have to have a guarantor.
Thirdly - for someone who earns 3x what you do to need payday loans could mean he is in serious financial trouble. Or he may not earn as much as you think.
Please tread cautiously, and don't let him know you've found this out until you are face to face. You need to gauge his reaction before you think about your next steps. There's no rush to move in together.

It's probably not ideal but do you have parents you could stay with. I feel so sorry for you, but you need to start making plans for just you and the baby. Maybe think about how you will manage while on mat leave, childcare when you return to work etc.

Personally, I'd confront him face to face. Maybe a nice meal, with the letters used as napkins wrapping the cutlery...

You don't even have to ask the question! (His expression will say it all)