To be absolutely furious at finding TWO loan letters

[JessieDoops]

Here's a bit of a back story... DP and I have been together almost three years, do not yet live with each other. Found out last week that we are expecting DC1.

We sat down and had a conversation about finances and where we would love etc. We are both very happy with this news. We have 7 months until baby is due, so we decided that we would aim to get a place together within the next four months.

DP earns 3x the amount earn. So it was decided that he would set aside x amount of money per month and we would comfortably have a new home within the time frame.

UNTIL today.... He left a bag of clothes at my house, I was doing a washing so decided to take the clothes out the bag and wash those too. But two letters fell out, one for a loan of a considerable amount from his bank (taken out in December) and another from a pay day loan - doesn't say the amount. (Taken out last month) but paying back 57% interest.

So I guess my question is...
Am I wrong to go absolutely bat shit crazy on his ass for not telling me about them last week when we sat down and discussed our finances regarding baby/moving in?

I'm really sorry to hear about this OP. You really don't need the stress at this time especially.
Just a thought, could he have lost his job, was worried about telling you, got a few loans to tide him over till he can get a new job, which is taking longer than he expected?
Just offering an alternative to gambling.

Lying about finances would be a dealbreaker to me. It's akin to infidelity in my eyes - as well as the dishonesty it's also putting you at immediate risk. Horrible.

All you can do is talk to him and find out what on earth is going on, but I certainly wouldn't be moving in with someone in that much debt, and so capable of lying about it. If it were me and I chose to have the baby I would be seeking maintenance through CMS and having no more to do with him - but I understand why that's a very hard decision.

Best of luck to you OP.

My parents are very supportive (thank god, about the only positive thing in this situation)

They are on holiday for the next two weeks, or I'd be round there now

"Maybe a nice meal, with the letters used as napkins wrapping the cutlery..."

Why the hell would you do this? It feels really deceitful, like you're trapping someone into a situation. And all that effort for a meal that is pretty much 100% guaranteed to be shite. Honestly, it's just too dramatic.

Just sit him down and have a proper, calm, adult conversation about this. My bet is on there being a debt issue that you are not aware of. It's sortable, but only if he's willing to be 100% honest and 100% committed to finding a solution.

If you have to go it alone you should get some help in tax credits etc. which will be enough to live on. Try not to panic

YANBU

Personal experience. He has to be completely upfront (showing you all records), complete and verifiable explanation. Or send him packing. The other path leads to heartache.

Unless he's in deep financial trouble then there's no real reason for him to have taken out a payday loan.

@lanouvelleheloise i completely agree with you.

Just be calm and adult about it as much as you can, i know you want to go batshit crazy, cry..leave etc but he may need help.

I've come across all walks of life that end up in debt and its not always down to drugs, debts (even OW as suggested) it can come from wanting to impress you, buy you things, go out for meals etc and he has made out that he is on a lot more etc. Payday loan couldof been down to council tax, rent arears where they are priority debts that dont go lightly on you if you fall behind.

Take a deep breath and stay calm for baby xx

its not always down to drugs, debts I mean Gambling! (even OW as suggested)

Thank you everyone for your kind replies

It seems bizarre that someone earning well would take out this type of loan. I associate them with people really at rock bottom financially, who can't borrow from anywhere else. It suggests he is in deep shit financially.

So sorry, you must be so worried. I hope he's honest with you

He's lied. I'd want to know why he did that and explain that his actions have damaged your trust in him. I'd want to know what he frittered his cash away on. See how he's going to log his outgoings and take control. See how he's going to pay off all debts before the baby. See a clean credit check before living together

I think he wanted you to find them and is going to want you to help sort out the loans. Or could be that he is simply worried about them and didn't know how to tell you he has a lot less money than you think.

How very convenient that he just happens to have a letter about a loan taken out eight months ago in a backpack that he leaves in your house. Don't suppose this was the first time you have kindly taken out his washing from his bag to do it for him, is it? Or if it is, maybe the plan was for him to unpack the bags in front of you and the letters would just flutter to your feet.

Why has he taken out a loan at such a bad rate too? Why is he making such bad financial choices

Does he live with parents? What are his living arrangements?

He shares rented accommodation with 2 housemates

You need to talk to him calmly and find out how the debt occurred. DO NOT pay any of his debts off for him. He needs to talk to someone like Stepchange who could help him to sort it all out.

You also need to talk about why he lied to you and hid it from you. He may have been ashamed of it, but it's not going to go away. It's a massive betrayal.

Having been married to someone who lives off debt, it's not a good road to go down, and your DP will either sort it out and stick to it, or he will do it again. Only time will tell which one.

Keep your finances totally separate from his and make sure you get any WTC or CB when the time comes.

Oh god OP, you must be feeling terrible.

I agree with the others, those loans are bad news, especially the payday loan. It shows he can't manage his money, or has a problem such as gambling.

Insist he shows you his bank statements, they should give you an idea where he's spending the money.

Good luck.

Try not to lose your shit immediately he's more likely to become defensive and lie. Just tell him what you've found and see how he responds then take it from there.

I hope it's not as bad as it currently looks!

What's his income and rent?

He's already had the opportunity to speak about his financial situation - he didn't, by doing so he's lulled OP into a false sense of security.

Yes, my suggestion may well be dramatic, however, it gets the point across without the use of words.

I wouldn't imagine that his financial hardship has happened overnight? So, what happened? Large amounts of money are going somewhere? If he's in a house share situation - it's not going on living expense's.

I feel sick to my stomach

40 minutes and he'll be here. I'm
Determined not to cry.

And I've not made the bastard any tea

I know I'll probably get flamed for this - could there be a child maintenance payment involved? (I know it's the last thing you want to her, OP)

I'm sorry you are in this situation, please put yourself and your own future first. You've had wonderful news - followed by shite :(

You can cry. You can be angry. Your emotions are appropriate.

Could you just say what you saw and then let him speak give himself enough rope to hang.

I'm just going to hand him the letters when he walks in the door and take it from there. I will let him speak first