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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU

312 replies

MissingWinter · 22/07/2017 22:07

I went to visit my friend round at hers on Thursday, we were sat together at her laptop, she went onto a particular site and started looking at some shoes and other clothing, once she had finished I took over and went to the men's section. Me DP and DS are due to go on holiday and I have been wanting to buy DP a few nice pairs of swim shorts. I see a nice pair which I liked and I was pretty sure that he would like (they were delivered today and he likes them)

As I clicked on them I said "Oh these are nice aren't they?" she just rolled her eyes, then she had a sudden outburst and said "You really make me sick why would you spend so fking much on a pair of swim shorts for him and no they're not nice I feel as if you are taking the p out of me, you want to spend that amount on s** but I don't see you giving money to people that need it"

I stayed silent because at that point I had to back track to make sure that is what she really said, and that I wasn't hearing things, before I could answer back she that she needs to go out and that I need to leave, but we were suppose to be spending the whole day together, and I had to travel pretty far to her house.

She always makes snide comments and I just ignore her, as I don't like confrontation, I haven't heard from her since and I have been wanting to call her today to apologise as she said that it felt as if I was taking the p* out of her.

Now I am thinking why should I call her and apologise? and why shouldn't I be able to spend what I like on him? Do you think I'm the one being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 23/07/2017 16:48

Why on earth are you comparing clothes shopping with tampon shopping? Hmm

Several of my boyfriends have bought tampons for me.

None have bought my clothes - nor I for them, with the exception of birthday presents.

If I saw a garish pair of £450 tiger swim trunks (and I'm one of the few posters that actually like them! Grin) I'd send a link to my boyfriend.

If he wanted them, he'd by them. I find clothes really personal and would neither buy them for other nor be happy to have them bought for me.

And whilst in your case it might be something you do for each other, I'd bet my Gucci swim togs that in most cases where one person buys for the other, it's the woman, and its wife work.

ireallydontlikefootball · 23/07/2017 16:54

Wow just wow 😳
So many horrible & jealous comments regarding the op!
Get over yourselves will you and stop being completely ridiculous.

My dc go to a lovely village school and I have to say I think we are the poorest family there. The yummy mummy's pulling up to the school in their Chelsea tractors and jumping out in their Gucci outfits, wafting Chanel about the place would make you lot cry by the looks of it. They may have money and boy does everyone know it but they are a lovely bunch of people.
Of course it stings a bit at parties when my dc turn up in Tesco threads whilst their dc are decked out in designer party dresses and I'm worrying about how to pay for petrol for the next week to get mine to school but that's my problem and I would never begrudge them that. I would never be mean and make someone feel bad about where they come from.

Sorry you had a horrible experience with your "friend" OP & on here. You are probably best away from her anyway if she's always a bit nasty. Hope you had a nice day out and feel better about it all. 😊

Handsoffmysweets · 23/07/2017 18:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

ShmooBooMoo · 23/07/2017 18:15

No jealousy here. Money doesn't rock my world. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my stomach etc. If I had insane wealth I'd love to give a considerable proportion to charities that are close to my heart I'm trying to sound virtuous at all. Even if I were rich, I would honestly find it abhorrent to spend £450 on some shorts when that amount of money could do so much good, and I could find really, nice shorts for a tenth of that.
OP, I think it says more about your attitude towards money that you assume any one here who says something negative about your thinking nothing of spending £450 on shorts must be envious or jealous. I'm really not. Maybe your friend isn't either.
I do think it's a bit insensitive and tactless of you to come on here and have a whinge about your friend falling out with you over your purchase of some £450 shorts, when there are people on here who are having to rely on foodbanks and are worried about how they are going to meet crucial bills this month.

ShmooBooMoo · 23/07/2017 18:17

ha ha... I'm not trying to sound virtous at all (not a slip, I can assure you! :) )

milliemolliemou · 23/07/2017 18:40

Football. Some people were a bit bitchy, I'll grant you. But however much I've earned I've never flashed the cash in front of someone who has much less than me especially in a one to one situation. The OP admits she doesn't see that £450 on a pair of swimming trunks is a lot, which doesn't say much for her social awareness.

That doesn't mean to say if I were one of the Yummy Mummies at your school I wouldn't turn up in a a big car if that was my mode of transport, or forego to wear Chanel (though that seems OTT for a school run if they're not going on to work). I'm sure they're very good people and I would never judge a book by its cover .... er hang on, I possibly would. I'm not all that keen on conspicuous consumption or unneccessary consumption so would see designer handbags etc as a bit flash, but that's probably a generational/rural thing, where the older and shabbier stuff is the better loved it is (and more comfortable).

Fruitcorner123 · 23/07/2017 19:43

It is a ridiculous waste of money, but its your money. So can do what you like. However, if I had a friend that struggles for money I wouldn't do it in front of her. There's obviously more to the story and the shorts made her finally snap.

This exactly.

I would struggle not to be secretly annoyed with a friend who spent that on a pair of shorts when she could have spent £50( which is still loads more that most shorts you find in the high street) and stocked up the local food bank with £400 worth of food or given blankets to 40 homeless people or whatever.

I wouldn't react like your friend though. She was rude and if you have told us the whole story i think it is probably not worth your effort to maintain the friendship.

Accusing other people of envy and jealousy doesn't really help you seem like you 'get it' OP most of us just see the value of money and wouldn't waste it in such a way.

FlandersRocks · 23/07/2017 20:44

I do feel a tad sorry for the op though - especially all the comments along the lines of 'why not spend 20 quid and give the rest to charity'.

It's all relative really. I've recently booked a caravan short break for £200. Then I changed my mind and paid an extra £80 to upgrade to a nicer van.

I didn't need to at all, the cheaper van was still perfectly nice. I could have donated the £80 but I didn't...pretty sure plenty of people spend on stuff that's unnecessary.

Giraffey1 · 23/07/2017 20:52

Sorry, OP I had read from your post that you had made a purchase at the time rather then later. But perhaps still, it might have been better not to search for expensive items in your friend's presence.

Fruitcorner123 · 23/07/2017 21:12

I've recently booked a caravan short break for £200. Then I changed my mind and paid an extra £80 to upgrade to a nicer van.

So your holiday costs almost £200 less than her husband's swim shorts. Surely out can see the amount is just so extravagant that it's silly. People saying she should give most of the money to charity aren't implying it's never ok to splash out just that...
A) this is such extreme splashing out most of us have never experienced someone spending this much on such an item. A holiday is very different!
B) it was in front of a friend who the OP has suggested isn't as wealthy so it was a bit insensitive.

BIWI · 23/07/2017 21:12

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TeaChest100 · 23/07/2017 21:19

Sounds very tactless OP.

You decided, why exactly, to order £450 shorts on her computer, with her in attendance, when you admit that she is hard up?

Framboise18 · 23/07/2017 21:23

Op you haven't done anything wrong and even if the price might seem unreasonable to her that's not your problem it is hers.. She disrespected you and she had no right to do that.

BIWI · 23/07/2017 21:35

Disrespected?! Did you do a fist bump along with that?!

Marygoround17 · 23/07/2017 22:02

£450 on a pair of shorts!! Are you for real! Are these shorts made of gold?😉

user1499333856 · 23/07/2017 22:16

It's up to you how you spend your money.

Your 'friend' sounds quite nuts - definitely over stepped the mark of how and what she can speak to you.

Just leave the situation for now. But you don't need to apologize.

amermaideindesguise · 23/07/2017 22:24

.

Gazelda · 23/07/2017 22:38

This couldn't possibly be Melania could it?

OP, in all seriousness, if you're still reading then I hope you've accepted some of the comments at face value and realised that you might have been inadvertently flouting your wealth. You possibly don't mean to, but it seems to have hit a nerve with your friend. I think you need to put this friendship behind you and learn to be a bit more thoughtful about other people's situations.

BeingMePls · 23/07/2017 22:42

I can't believe some of the vile messages your getting on this post. Who cares what YOU spend YOUR money on - it's pure jealousy.

If I had £450 to spend on shorts why should it bother my friends. If anything couldn't they be pleased for me???

I've been crazily poor with very rich friends and I've never (I hope) displayed such disgusting jealous behaviour.

For those people who say that's the cost of their mortgage, for others that might be double theirs. Life is all relative.

And I love those shorts btw. Shame my husband isn't cool enough to wear them!!

AtHomeDadGlos · 23/07/2017 22:42

£450 is a lot of money, but to be fair that s about the same as a recent poster paid for a haircut. And they'll last longer too.

junebirthdaygirl · 23/07/2017 23:54

I dont think she wanted you to give her the money or was talking about herself at all. She felt anger at such a waste of money with so much need around in general. Ye have different values and that makes it difficult to have a proper friendship. I prefer hers and l would hate to have a friend who spent 450 on stupid shorts. And lm not jealous or poor.

Majora · 24/07/2017 00:05

Not gonna lie, if my friend could afford to spenf £450 on a pair of shorts, it's completely unfair of me but I would want a bit of money myself :') I dunno, that's definitely unreasonable of me I know, but if she earns a lot less than you (you haven't mentioned) and you were flaunting how little £450 is worth to you, I would be kind of pissed.

Like, I don't have £1k to make up for rent next year in a place I've already paid the deposit on, so I would be a little pissed if my best friend came a long way to see me just to humble brag she could throw out £500 on a pair of shorts from Gucci like it was £20.

Whichwayyisup · 24/07/2017 00:21

I have spent £2k on a set of bedsheets just because I liked them and could afford to. Not a stealth boast. Just illustrating the point that I have done exactly what the OP has done here ie spent a ridiculous amount of money on something utterly frivolous.

However, the idea of flaunting that in the face of a friend who was likely browsing luxury items as fantasy window shopping, and is unable to afford such items is beyond tactless and I suspect the OP secretly knows that too despite the protests of innocence.

There's definitely more to this scenario than meets the eye.

Andylion · 24/07/2017 00:25

You can swear on MN you know

Good, because The shorts where £450

Holy fuck!

OP, not her business how you spend your money, though.

pynk · 24/07/2017 00:54

OP, if you like the shorts and your DP likes the shorts and you can afford it then I don't see why anyone can criticise you. Posters are being obnoxious telling you they are ugly etc. To be fair they are to my taste but I leterally don't care what style shorts someone on the internet had bought especially when they haven't asked for my opinion.

Gucci isn't my style but it's a ,assive brand so obviously lots of other people like it.

I think your friend was rude to you but I think you could maybe be a little more subtle in future. Although if you are very well of it's impossible to hide. DH and I are much more well off than nearly all our friends and family and whilst we are not in the least bit flashy it's impossible to hide your house and car etc from view. I do try to be considerate of everyone else though.